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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:17

As much as he absolutely is acting like a big baby...I hate to be the oversold that says this but:

If the roles were recorded, you'd be getting called a psyco right now.

He went home to get some space and before even 24 hours have passed, you've phone his dad and his best friend making them worry something bad has happened. Now, not content with finding out this is not the case, youve spoke again with his friend about him maybe 'having a word with him!' Wow. Imagine if he did that with your friend every time you two had a tiff?

And I agree, it does sound like you were nagging him. Sorry.

I mean tbf, you shouldn't have to nag him. Qnd he's behaved like a dick. And it might be deliberately in order to cause you to break it off as he's too much of a wimp to do so. But, just pointing out, if rolls were reversed youd get roasted on here.

OhMerde · 30/03/2023 17:18

Echoing everyone and saying that you're well rid.

ps, if my partner instructed me to clean the dishwasher, I'd tell him to take a hike. I know that's not relevant but I'm just saying.

Namechangingagain111 · 30/03/2023 17:19

I think you need to be more decisive.
End it now - tell him to move out and change the locks so he can only get in when you let him in.

Nailsandthesea · 30/03/2023 17:19

cartagenagina · 30/03/2023 16:37

Can you change the holiday to a friends name? Don’t miss out just because he’s a cunt!

Please don’t marry him and bin him off. my god don’t live with him and ignore his lies - this is not adult behaviour

jemimapuddlepluck · 30/03/2023 17:21

Also, forget about the holiday if you can't change the name on it and take a friend. Don't end up with him for the sake of a holiday. I do not think he wanted to end things, I think he wanted to teach you a lesson and will be bricking it now he knows he's gone too far. He will come crawling back with promises and may use the holiday as an excuse.

Nailsandthesea · 30/03/2023 17:22

jemimapuddlepluck · 30/03/2023 17:17

I suspected this would be the case OP. You are a kinder hearted woman than me. I said earlier on in the thread, hes training you to not ask anything of him. He made the mistake of too much too soon though. He has certainly shown you who he is though, I really hope for your sake you don't go back. I suspect he will up the manipulation now.

This - it will be because he loved you too much and was scared you might leave him

ffs please ignore him

ladygindiva · 30/03/2023 17:23

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:17

As much as he absolutely is acting like a big baby...I hate to be the oversold that says this but:

If the roles were recorded, you'd be getting called a psyco right now.

He went home to get some space and before even 24 hours have passed, you've phone his dad and his best friend making them worry something bad has happened. Now, not content with finding out this is not the case, youve spoke again with his friend about him maybe 'having a word with him!' Wow. Imagine if he did that with your friend every time you two had a tiff?

And I agree, it does sound like you were nagging him. Sorry.

I mean tbf, you shouldn't have to nag him. Qnd he's behaved like a dick. And it might be deliberately in order to cause you to break it off as he's too much of a wimp to do so. But, just pointing out, if rolls were reversed youd get roasted on here.

So you believe op was nagging by seeking fairness in household chores.... how thoroughly fucking depressing.

Leopardpj · 30/03/2023 17:23

I'm terrible at tagging but to say you were 'nagging' is insane. You sound great OP. You have done nothing wrong IMO and deserve a lot better than this pathetic baby. I cannot stress enough how difficult your relationship is going to get with children in the mix if a simple argument over two adults sharing washing up means he needs to leave the home for 12+ hours of calming "me time". Get. Rid.

burgledinParis · 30/03/2023 17:23

Be strong OP. And think of all the strangers of mumsnet you have rooting for you. He's shown you who he is - trust him and don't look back. You take care of you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/03/2023 17:26

Women 'nag' because their requests are repeatedly ignored. Or the man in question does as he's asked for a few days and then thinks that that's enough to keep her quiet and he can go back to his previous behaviour.

Men - here's how not to be nagged - do as she asks you. Or, if you think she's being demanding and/or unreasonable, talk to her about it.

HRTeatime · 30/03/2023 17:27

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:17

As much as he absolutely is acting like a big baby...I hate to be the oversold that says this but:

If the roles were recorded, you'd be getting called a psyco right now.

He went home to get some space and before even 24 hours have passed, you've phone his dad and his best friend making them worry something bad has happened. Now, not content with finding out this is not the case, youve spoke again with his friend about him maybe 'having a word with him!' Wow. Imagine if he did that with your friend every time you two had a tiff?

And I agree, it does sound like you were nagging him. Sorry.

I mean tbf, you shouldn't have to nag him. Qnd he's behaved like a dick. And it might be deliberately in order to cause you to break it off as he's too much of a wimp to do so. But, just pointing out, if rolls were reversed youd get roasted on here.

That’s not what the op said at all. She let the friend (who was concerned enough to suggest contacting the police as this was so out of character) know he was ok, and he himself suggest he would talk to him. No where does she say she asked him to “have a word”. And how the fuck is it “nagging him” to expect the person who’s had the day off work to do some dishes and make dinner? That’s what happens automatically in this house. Because no one here is a lazy twuntish cunt.

You must be so upset op, but at least you know now, rather than after he sold his flat and you were stuck with him. I hope you can still get to enjoy your holiday.

5128gap · 30/03/2023 17:29

I agree it's time to end it. He's gone rogue and is doubling down on his right to do so. He doesnt care if you're angry or worried, which means you've lost all control of the relationship as you can't even rely on his consideration and decency towards you to make him moderate his behaviour. By ending it, one of two things will happen. Either it will shock him into realising he needs to change, or you'll save yourself a long protracted ending.

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:31

@ladygindiva
No i believe she was nagging (as much as I dislike the word) in rushing him to do the dishes so he could make dinner. Yes, she should not have had to rush him (sounds like he was procrastinating) but if I was farting about in the kitchen, I'd still get pissed off at anyone pointing it out and making it into an argument. Man or woman,I'm doing what I'm doing I'm doing my own time, don't nag at me.

I'm not saying she didn't have good reason to get on at him btw. But I do see his perspective too.

And he can't even go away to decompress without her phoning everyone he knows and his dog thinking (supposedly) that something must be wrong. That would exhaust me too.

pixie5121 · 30/03/2023 17:33

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Blossomtoes · 30/03/2023 17:33

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/03/2023 17:26

Women 'nag' because their requests are repeatedly ignored. Or the man in question does as he's asked for a few days and then thinks that that's enough to keep her quiet and he can go back to his previous behaviour.

Men - here's how not to be nagged - do as she asks you. Or, if you think she's being demanding and/or unreasonable, talk to her about it.

Not in this house. My bloke’s a terrible nag, however much I tell him it’s completely counterproductive.

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:35

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/03/2023 17:26

Women 'nag' because their requests are repeatedly ignored. Or the man in question does as he's asked for a few days and then thinks that that's enough to keep her quiet and he can go back to his previous behaviour.

Men - here's how not to be nagged - do as she asks you. Or, if you think she's being demanding and/or unreasonable, talk to her about it.

Women, here's how not to nag - break up with men that make you feel you need to.

Don't date men who cant be trusted to act like grown ups without without having to tell them to over and over again.

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 17:44

I'd be bagging up his stuff by now and taking it round to his place later on.
What a knob he is.

Stravaig · 30/03/2023 17:45

Tangential musing. Smartphones, and the ability nay expectation to be in constant contact, are the Deil's work. This thread would not have existed 20 or 30 years ago, because it was normal to be out of contact for longer periods of time. Cooling off and reflecting after a fight was built-in by the available technologies, and although OP's response is understandable, acting on it would have been seen as unusually entangled.

Blossomtoes · 30/03/2023 17:46

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 17:44

I'd be bagging up his stuff by now and taking it round to his place later on.
What a knob he is.

I wouldn’t. Too much effort. I’d put it outside the front door and if I was feeling really magnanimous text him to say it was there before blocking his number.

RosesInWater · 30/03/2023 17:48

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 17:44

I'd be bagging up his stuff by now and taking it round to his place later on.
What a knob he is.

Let him bag it up himself and personally call around to collect it while OP is there would be my view. Otherwise he can slink off into the sunset. OP should change her locks now.

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 17:48

Didn’t OP say his friends were all married with kids?

Good point. Does he have a brother?

AllTheDifference · 30/03/2023 17:48

Well done for asserting yourself over the washing up and for realising he is manipulative and that it needs to end. Wishing you strength x

Stravaig · 30/03/2023 17:52

Agree with pp, the choice for any of us is to see exactly who the person in front of us is and choose whether to be with them or not. Not to stay with them and repeatedly tell them to say/do/be something they've clearly demonstrated they're not.

5128gap · 30/03/2023 17:55

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:17

As much as he absolutely is acting like a big baby...I hate to be the oversold that says this but:

If the roles were recorded, you'd be getting called a psyco right now.

He went home to get some space and before even 24 hours have passed, you've phone his dad and his best friend making them worry something bad has happened. Now, not content with finding out this is not the case, youve spoke again with his friend about him maybe 'having a word with him!' Wow. Imagine if he did that with your friend every time you two had a tiff?

And I agree, it does sound like you were nagging him. Sorry.

I mean tbf, you shouldn't have to nag him. Qnd he's behaved like a dick. And it might be deliberately in order to cause you to break it off as he's too much of a wimp to do so. But, just pointing out, if rolls were reversed youd get roasted on here.

Checking on someone's welfare doesn't make you a 'psyco'. Now the OP knows he's safe she's leaving him alone. If he'd had let her know he was safe from the off set she'd have left him alone altogether. If you really want no one bothering you, it's the height of stupidity to go off grid entirely like a dramatic teen, as you can pretty much guarantee it will get people worried and looking for you. Which is often the exact reason people do it, to attention seek and/or punish the other person.

Sassyfox · 30/03/2023 18:07

This relationship has not been working for a long time (why are you arguing so much and why does he still have an empty flat after moving in with you).

This is a crap situation as it’s had you worrying but it’s at least made you realise that he is not the man you want to be with.
Its probably made home realise that he doesn’t want to be with you either.

If you got together in 2020 then covid would have been a big part of it.
Either you would have seen each other much less often or it made you both cling to each other because the world was an odd place.

Send him a text because he probably won’t answer a phone call and say how it’s time to call it a day and that he needs to collect his stuff this weekend.

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