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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 30/03/2023 18:08

@JurassicParkaha when he finally comes grovelling back with some kind of half-arsed apology (and he will) promise us you will come back and read this thread. This will happen - again and again. And get worse. Imagine having a child with this man when there are REAL demands on his time …
nah eff that. You seem a kind and caring woman. Sack him off. His loss.

Led921900 · 30/03/2023 18:09

He’s a coward and you can do better!

HaggisBurger · 30/03/2023 18:10

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/03/2023 17:26

Women 'nag' because their requests are repeatedly ignored. Or the man in question does as he's asked for a few days and then thinks that that's enough to keep her quiet and he can go back to his previous behaviour.

Men - here's how not to be nagged - do as she asks you. Or, if you think she's being demanding and/or unreasonable, talk to her about it.

Or even better don’t wait to be managed. Look around you like a bloody adult and see what needs to be done.

Enko · 30/03/2023 18:13

I'm sorry op.

pinkoveralls · 30/03/2023 18:14

HaggisBurger · 30/03/2023 18:08

@JurassicParkaha when he finally comes grovelling back with some kind of half-arsed apology (and he will) promise us you will come back and read this thread. This will happen - again and again. And get worse. Imagine having a child with this man when there are REAL demands on his time …
nah eff that. You seem a kind and caring woman. Sack him off. His loss.

This!

Whoever ends up with you sounds like a lucky guy. But your current bf is not it

MysteryBelle · 30/03/2023 18:17

Thank you for the update and I’m sorry he’s behaved so badly. I wonder too if he’s met someone. Were the holiday and wedding your ideas and he went along with them seemingly enthused? I ask because unless totally on his own he brought up holiday and wedding plans, then I’m not surprised at what’s happening now.

Re the chores. I guess in our house we are much more relaxed and only argue about (what I’d consider) big things. If my dh comes home and I haven’t made dinner, he is ok with that. If he tells me he’s going to do something around the house and doesn’t, I don’t get upset (unless it is imperative to our well being). We don’t call each other out on chores. One of us will take up the slack for the other and to be honest, it’s my dh who often does that. We are very forgiving of that kind of stuff. Otherwise we’d be fighting every day.

That said, he on purpose caused you to worry about him all night. He is very angry at you. Oftentimes relationships break down because we treat each other as enemies instead of as affectionate and romantic partners who have each other’s backs. His behavior is unacceptable and immature. Something is very wrong and I’m not sure it can be fixed.

Clymene · 30/03/2023 18:19

What an absolute arsehole. I'm so sorry

Beaverbridge · 30/03/2023 18:19

Better rid of him. No loss.

RicchT · 30/03/2023 18:21

I have not read all 380 comments so far op, only yours .

All I can say is : what a wanker.

You sound absolutely lovely and a great person and someone will be very lucky to have you.

Just not him. He does not deserve you.

And when he comes crawling back, send him on his merry way.

Sending hugs and wine your way 💕

Clymene · 30/03/2023 18:26

You should definitely change his name to a mate's and go on the once on the lifetime holiday with her.

I'm not sure if there's another woman but I do know this is his attempt to sabotage the relationship. He's getting very cold feet and so is throwing a bomb in because he's too weak and cowardly to be honest with you.

He is absolutely not worthy of you or your respect. Take all his stuff, leave it outside and double lock the door. What a fucking shit and pathetic human being.

SpinCityBlues · 30/03/2023 18:29

pinkoveralls · 30/03/2023 15:40

And what happened next, what did OP say? What about the dad?
Don't leave us hanging!

I predicted the manipulative tearful scene too early. But it'll happen. Maybe in a day or so, maybe in three weeks.

Sorry, OP Flowers What a bummer.

Silvers11 · 30/03/2023 18:29

Well I am glad that he is ok, of course - but what a horrible thing to do to you and his friend. It does sound like he's been looking for an excuse not to get married etc. etc. I do think you should go on the holiday with a mate and forget him. it may be the first time you've seen this side of him, but it sure won't be the last if you stay with him. What a B......

SushiMoshiMoshi · 30/03/2023 18:30

Oh gosh - what an awful 24hrs the OP has had. Definitely makes a lot of sense to spend some time apart to get some perspective on things to help her make the right decision for herself.

MysteryBelle · 30/03/2023 18:37

Go on the holiday with your dd.

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 30/03/2023 18:38

Thanks for updating given all you're dealing with. He doesn't deserve you. x

MysteryBelle · 30/03/2023 18:40

Something is up if he didn’t even call his dad or answer the phone to his best friend.

NotAHouse · 30/03/2023 18:41

Stravaig · 30/03/2023 17:45

Tangential musing. Smartphones, and the ability nay expectation to be in constant contact, are the Deil's work. This thread would not have existed 20 or 30 years ago, because it was normal to be out of contact for longer periods of time. Cooling off and reflecting after a fight was built-in by the available technologies, and although OP's response is understandable, acting on it would have been seen as unusually entangled.

Found the ChatGPT bot.

allmyliesaretrue · 30/03/2023 18:42

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:17

As much as he absolutely is acting like a big baby...I hate to be the oversold that says this but:

If the roles were recorded, you'd be getting called a psyco right now.

He went home to get some space and before even 24 hours have passed, you've phone his dad and his best friend making them worry something bad has happened. Now, not content with finding out this is not the case, youve spoke again with his friend about him maybe 'having a word with him!' Wow. Imagine if he did that with your friend every time you two had a tiff?

And I agree, it does sound like you were nagging him. Sorry.

I mean tbf, you shouldn't have to nag him. Qnd he's behaved like a dick. And it might be deliberately in order to cause you to break it off as he's too much of a wimp to do so. But, just pointing out, if rolls were reversed youd get roasted on here.

Rubbish!!

Coyoacan · 30/03/2023 18:43

Just for the record, I would have been just as worried as you were OP. So I'm glad nothing happened to him but I'm sorry he is being such a jer,k

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 18:43

What a cunt. He can get fucked.

MysteryBelle · 30/03/2023 18:58

He’s acting like you’re stalking him.

AramintaLee · 30/03/2023 18:58

I'm sorry OP.

It seems like maybe he had simmering thoughts of ending the relationship and perhaps what happened last night pushed him over the edge and this self destruction is his way of getting out of having a grown up conversation about how he feels.

Basically too chicken shit to man up and end the relationship like a mature adult.

It's better to walk away with your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of and I'm sure when he looks back, he will be embarrassed by his childish reaction (probably not though, it sounds like he's a stubborn prick so will undoubtedly insist he was right to ghost you and play dead for 24 hours)

appleblanket · 30/03/2023 19:00

So sorry to read your last update OP. That type of behaviour is something you'd expect a teenager to do, not a man in his mid 30's. He didn't deserve you and despite the relationship ending, he still owes you and his friend a massive apology for having you both so worried.
Take your friend on holiday instead and thank your lucky stars you're not marrying him. What a bag of dicks he is!

YukoandHiro · 30/03/2023 19:03

So sorry OP, but very glad to hear you're being clear headed about it.
If I were you I'd end it now. Don't let him talk you round when he's simmered down. As you said, he'll just keep repeating this trick whenever he doesn't get his own way.

raincamepouringdown · 30/03/2023 19:04

Pack his things up in bin bags and message him to collect them.

He's a dick.