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Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
drhf · 30/03/2023 20:37

He is bullying and manipulating you because you dared to try to have some boundaries and to have some needs of your own. If he's like this now, he will be a hundred times worse in the future, especially if you have children.

Reading between the lines of your posts, this man is in a high-stress profession with a reputation for rampant misogyny and for taking the man's side if there are complaints from a woman.

Get out while you can.

Shz · 30/03/2023 20:45

Check on him

The guilt if he is not OK will last forever

TimeForMeToF1y · 30/03/2023 20:49

Shz · 30/03/2023 20:45

Check on him

The guilt if he is not OK will last forever

Tell me that you dont know how to read the OPs posts without telling me .......

Shz · 30/03/2023 20:52

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 16:27

Well, he's fine and I’m livid. I took an Uber to get to his quickly. He wasn't in and it was hard to tell if he'd been in and was out or hadn't been home at all. It's pretty empty and didn’t look lived in but then again he didn’t carry anything with him. Phone still unavailable.

His friend had asked me to let him know what I found at the flat. He is an ex copper and suggested we start ringing around hospitals to ask if he'd been admitted. All the main ones were negative but one had a man admitted with his surname but different DOB. I went to check anyway in case it was a mistake. It wasn’t luckily but by this point even friend was worried.

He said we should contact police as there's no 24 hr deadline apparently. I wanted to wait till 5 as it would get back to his work and didn't want to cause embarrassment in case it was a broken phone.

Then finally see WA blue tick! He had read it and not bothered replying to me or his mate asking where he was. Called him and he answered.

I expected him to at least sound apologetic. NO, he sounded belligerent in a way I’ve beard heard before. Admitted he’d turned off his phone - to get ‘peace’ from my ‘nagging’. I explained how worried I had been and his friend too, and how he hadn’t called his dad at the normal time. No remorse, said I shouldn’t have bothered. When I asked if under similar circumstances he’d have done the same for me, he didn’t reply.

The ‘nagging’ was me expecting him to have made dinner like he said he would as he was on a rest day and I was working. I came home, no dinner, he hadn’t even done the grocery shopping and it was clear he expected me to do it. Also told me he’d manually done the washing up from dinner I cooked day before because dishwasher needed a deep clean. Which he obv expected me to clean. When I asked him why he hadn’t made dinner, he said it was because he was doing the washing up. When I told him he was always going to have to do washing up to cook (as it’s the same pans and he didn’t do it last night) he said he hadn’t realised how long it would take. (No way, he didn't! as he's never owned a dishwasher)

He still didn’t offer to make dinner, or clean the dishwasher. I have ‘nagged’ him to share cooking/cleaning before and he does it for a few days then back to normal service. I actually work longer hours than him too but because I wfh he thinks I have more time. Which is why I said we needed to talk as I shouldn’t have to negotiate with him to do his share. That’s when he got cross and said he didn’t want to talk. And that he was going to his flat as tired. Didn’t pack anything which is why I thought he’d be back for bedtime or next morning. And previously he’d message to tell me how long he was going for. You all know the rest.

Now, he hung up on me in the middle of the conversation when I wasn’t apologising. And SWITCHED OFF HIS PHONE AGAIN. Obv I won’t be contacting him now. He is being so manipulative. We booked a sabbatical from work, spent non refundable £££ on this holiday, were discussing a September town hall wedding, renovating his flat to sell. It feels like he made this fight on purpose to get out of doing it all. And was too cowardly to tell me.

Friend has been very apologetic and offered to talk to him about what’s going on. Previously when he left for his flat or a walk, he explained he needed to calmly think through arguments and not respond in anger. It was only ever a few hours, he’d tell me what time he’d be back and his phone was never switched off. I sometimes need to sit in a quiet room away from the argument so understand everyone has different coping mechanisms. He always came back more willing to compromise too. And he hasn’t done it in a year esp not since moving in. So I know this isn’t about the chores - it really isn’t that big an adjustment for him to cook more. He wanted to push me to end things. And I’m angry and devastated at how he’s done it. It’s so selfish and immature.

Thank you all for support during a crap day. Going to stay with my friend this weekend to think of next steps but I’m aware the relationship is terminal now. He will keep doing this till I end it so best to put us both out of our misery.

This isn’t an acceptable way to treat anybody at all. Regardless of his reasons you deserve better. The lack of care empathy or apology is somehow even more appalling than his intentional AWOL act.

I think you need to take some time for yourself to think about your needs and whether this man is somebody you want in your life.

billy1966 · 30/03/2023 20:58

OP, he has really shown himself to be a petulant mummy's boy, who's go to is to tantrum when you dared to challenge him.

Had you married him, you would likely be looking at a second divorce within a few years.

Bag his stuff up, change the locks, take the hit on the holidays and revoke your leave if necessary.

But do not regret finding out what an utter loser he is.

Shz · 30/03/2023 20:59

TimeForMeToF1y · 30/03/2023 20:49

Tell me that you dont know how to read the OPs posts without telling me .......

Show quote history

tell me you have little to be at without telling me…:

Actually don’t bother 🤣

Sugarplumfairy65 · 30/03/2023 21:01

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:47

If he is indeed just fuming, not sure I could accept it. Not just the anxiety now but also the realisation that he is capable of storming off at being asked to do more chores!!! I too can't imagine anything bad has happened but we are in east London so not completely unheard of.

He's training you for how its going to be after you've got married.
It's a form of punishment to bring you back in line.

MeridianB · 30/03/2023 21:11

It’s official- he’s deeply unpleasant.

Totally agree he’s got plenty more where this came from. I’d pack his stuff and leave it outside.

Also, is it possible he went to another woman’s last night?

Justforlaffs · 30/03/2023 21:17

Good for you OP. You sound like a strong woman with her head screwed on.

He's a massive, cowardly bellend.

Thesharkradar · 30/03/2023 21:24

Thank goodness you saw his true colours before you were trapped!

Bigbadmama · 30/03/2023 21:25

He is manipulating you. DO NOT marry him.

Smineusername · 30/03/2023 21:29

What an arsehole. He clearly doesn't want real commitment or equality.

Don't forgive this shit

Miscellaneousme · 30/03/2023 21:33

He’s done you a massive favour. Throw him back.

AdoraBell · 30/03/2023 21:53

Only read the OP’s posts not the whole thread.

OP glad you’ve spoken to him and found he’s safe, but his comment about you “nagging” I think you should get rid of him. Tell him to stay in his flat and enjoy his peace.

venusandmars · 30/03/2023 22:06

@JurassicParkaha what a terrible shock! But well done you for seeing it for what it is. Please stick with your conviction.

CarPoor · 30/03/2023 22:14

The reason his friend thinks it's out of character is he's not a woman who your partner can manipulate

At least he's shown his true colours before marriage. It will only get worse when he doesn't get his own way in the future. I'm sorry OP

Thesharkradar · 30/03/2023 22:21

The reason his friend thinks it's out of character is he's not a woman who your partner can manipulate
good point, he doesnt mess his mates about because he knows they wont stand for it, OP...well he expects her to be 'yes sir no sir 3 bags full sir'
OP he's been working you, but ran out of patience & decided to go for a big finale, probably hoped it would traumatize you into obedience!

CarPoor · 30/03/2023 22:22

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:17

As much as he absolutely is acting like a big baby...I hate to be the oversold that says this but:

If the roles were recorded, you'd be getting called a psyco right now.

He went home to get some space and before even 24 hours have passed, you've phone his dad and his best friend making them worry something bad has happened. Now, not content with finding out this is not the case, youve spoke again with his friend about him maybe 'having a word with him!' Wow. Imagine if he did that with your friend every time you two had a tiff?

And I agree, it does sound like you were nagging him. Sorry.

I mean tbf, you shouldn't have to nag him. Qnd he's behaved like a dick. And it might be deliberately in order to cause you to break it off as he's too much of a wimp to do so. But, just pointing out, if rolls were reversed youd get roasted on here.

He didn't go home for space he went home to sulk and punish OP for asking him to do basic household tasks. It has nothing to do with space and everything to do with control

If someone posted my husband messaged my friend because I ignored his texts for 24hrs then no one would call him a psycho. Ffs if I ignore my partners texts for 24hrs I want him to call the police because I'm probably dead.

OP wouldn't have to 'nag' if he'd done basic household chores.

SRS29 · 30/03/2023 22:42

Wow OP sounds like you missed a right cocklodger there...well done, you will realise that longer term x

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 22:46

Well I got a lot of shit for saying it, but I told you he’s manipulative and lazy.

I’m not surprised at all to read your updates, but I am disappointed for you. At least you’re not tied into a marriage with this arsehole.

But so many things you said made it clear that he was an arsehole who wasn’t invested in your relationship. He’s caused you massive worry, when he doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s a shit lesson, but make sure your next partner is more deserving of your time.

WestwardHo1 · 30/03/2023 22:55

What a total dick.

Be glad you're not going to marry him. He's shown you in time what he's like.

Don't give the pop psychology another thought

Thesharkradar · 30/03/2023 23:36

CarPoor · 30/03/2023 22:22

He didn't go home for space he went home to sulk and punish OP for asking him to do basic household tasks. It has nothing to do with space and everything to do with control

If someone posted my husband messaged my friend because I ignored his texts for 24hrs then no one would call him a psycho. Ffs if I ignore my partners texts for 24hrs I want him to call the police because I'm probably dead.

OP wouldn't have to 'nag' if he'd done basic household chores.

Show quote history

indeed, that was very transparent attempt at gaslighting from Pinkbonbon !

Anskl · 31/03/2023 00:30

You come across as highly articulate and intelligent with your shit together. You deserve someone who appreciates you and treats you with respect.
At least you've found out now before your lives are more intertwined that he isn't that person.

Ofcourseshecan · 31/03/2023 01:00

OP, take a friend on the September holiday and celebrate your freedom from a demanding, selfish would-be domestic tyrant.

Fraaahnces · 31/03/2023 01:45

On one hand I’m sorry this happened to you @JurassicParkaha because you sound like a decent, caring human. On the other hand, I’m pleased that you cottoned on to this side of him before you formalized anything with him. What a horrible way to treat someone you supposedly love and respect! I am so pleased that you have enough respect for yourself to refuse to tolerate that shit from anyone @JurassicParkaha!