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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 30/03/2023 16:47

Well thank god you found out what lies beneath before you married him. That would have been a disaster in the making.

Remember that when he finally stops sulking (if indeed he does) and consider yourself to have had a VERY lucky escape.

AutisticLegoLover · 30/03/2023 16:50

Flowers I'm glad you've found out now what he's capable of before you got married. Another useless sulking man child who flips out and runs off if he's asked to do grown up jobs. Twat. Onwards and upwards OPFlowers

Ambertonix · 30/03/2023 16:51

Im so sorry OP, that is really sad. Just be thankful that you found out you were in a relationship with a man-child before you got married or had a baby with him. Someone wise once said "When someone shows you who they are....believe them." I think today he has shown you who he is.

PollyAmour · 30/03/2023 16:51

Well, so much for my concern that something bad had happened to him!!

Get a mate to go on the holiday with you, and carry on your life without this bellend in tow.

Happygolucky49 · 30/03/2023 16:52

Thank god you found all this out before you married TB

Paq · 30/03/2023 16:53

Better that you found out now he's a massive bellend and not after your lives are enmeshed even more.

What a pathetic man. Objecting to cooking AND washing up! Cock.

HurryShadow · 30/03/2023 16:53

cartagenagina · 30/03/2023 16:37

Can you change the holiday to a friends name? Don’t miss out just because he’s a cunt!

I was going to say the same thing.

Even if you can't change the name, can you take his off without penalty to yourself? I'd still go if possible!

Think of it as a "Fuck You!" holiday

tribpot · 30/03/2023 16:54

Well, I'm glad he's okay and I hope his friend is going to give him a proper bollocking. But that's not your problem.

He's completely blown it - normally these pricks don't show their true colours til you're actually married and it's harder to get away.

MaryPoppinsHat · 30/03/2023 16:55

So sorry OP 💐 sending hugs.

I would have been worried same as you too, and from the sounds of it as his friend was too. The fact he would be so belligerent, and not even stay online for his dad/ friends i.e. be a grown up with committments and just say he needed space, shows you his true colours.

Absolute man child!

Definitely look at changing the name on the holiday and take a friend, worst case, go solo!! Travel broadens the mind and is good for the soul; something for you to look forward to! 💐

Theunamedcat · 30/03/2023 16:55

Grant him his wish and end it you can do better

FMSucks · 30/03/2023 16:55

I am so sorry OP. I ended up marrying the twat who would leg it at every slight chance of confrontation. Believe me it does not end well for your sanity, I remember the feeling of being sick to my stomach worrying if he was okay when there was nothing bloody wrong except the fact that he was an immature fuckwit. I swear he affected my mental health so badly so when I say you've had a lucky escape I mean that most sincerely. Big hug OP. You will be okay and will walk away with your sanity intact. xx

CrunchyCarrot · 30/03/2023 16:56

So sorry to hear such an awful outcome OP! As others have said, it's just as well you found out before you got married.

Todaynotalways · 30/03/2023 16:57

I hate it when Mumsnetters say 'cherchez la femme' - but I really think this could be the case.

My ex did a similar disappearing act - 24 hours, similar type of argument, similar response. I too called around the hospitals, and his parents and best friend.

I took him back.

Several months later, he did it again - for longer (two nights).

The first time he'd met another woman. They second he was leaving me for her. In between time he future-faked, and carried on as if I was the bad-guy.

It took me YEARS to unravel and accept just how sneaky, underhand, and manipulative he'd been.

Proceed with caution!!

whatausername · 30/03/2023 16:59

He's a grade A tosser! Now, tell us about this holiday you'll be taking (without him obv), it sounds very exciting!

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 17:03

Shag the friend, OP.

Freshair87 · 30/03/2023 17:03

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 17:03

Shag the friend, OP.

😂😂 I agree

peachgreen · 30/03/2023 17:05

What a prick. I’m sorry OP.

NumberTheory · 30/03/2023 17:05

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 17:03

Shag the friend, OP.

Didn’t OP say his friends were all married with kids?

ladygindiva · 30/03/2023 17:09

StopGo · 30/03/2023 07:25

He is punishing you for having had the audacity to pick up on his laziness. I'd be thinking long and hard about continuing the relationship 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

this with bells on

Beantag · 30/03/2023 17:11

Sorry to hear this OP but good for you for realising the best thing is to end it. He's gone about this really pathetically but also shown his true, lazy colours. Sucks about the holiday but can the names be switched if someone else could go?

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 30/03/2023 17:13

You must be gutted...what with all the future talk about selling the flat, getting married, holiday etc and this I how you find out that you've been living with a man-child who has no respect for you whatsoever. I'm so sorry for you.

Personally, I'd be spending the weekend, packing up ANY items that are his from your property and texting him to say he can pick up his crap as it will be left outside the front door.

Go on holiday with a friend, don't lose ££ because of one selfish wanker.

He sounds absolutely pathetic and you've had a lucky escape OP. Hope all goes well for you

pixie5121 · 30/03/2023 17:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Stravaig · 30/03/2023 17:15

This is clearly a minority view, but going back to his own place to get some space during/after a fight seems normal to me. He left at 7pm and told you where he was going; you started the thread at 6am; that's only 11 hours, most of which will have been spent sleeping. Also, if he works in frontline emergency services, he could have been called in to work. No point in informing you of that in the middle of the night whilst taking space from you. So I'd have left him to it, and not been worried in the first place.

However it didn't seem like normal behaviour to you, so I'm glad you've tracked him down. It sounds like your communication styles and expectations are not at all compatible, and you certainly shouldn't stay with someone who triggers the stress of today for you.

discobrain · 30/03/2023 17:16

Fucking hell, do not marry this man.

jemimapuddlepluck · 30/03/2023 17:17

I suspected this would be the case OP. You are a kinder hearted woman than me. I said earlier on in the thread, hes training you to not ask anything of him. He made the mistake of too much too soon though. He has certainly shown you who he is though, I really hope for your sake you don't go back. I suspect he will up the manipulation now.