Well, he's fine and I’m livid. I took an Uber to get to his quickly. He wasn't in and it was hard to tell if he'd been in and was out or hadn't been home at all. It's pretty empty and didn’t look lived in but then again he didn’t carry anything with him. Phone still unavailable.
His friend had asked me to let him know what I found at the flat. He is an ex copper and suggested we start ringing around hospitals to ask if he'd been admitted. All the main ones were negative but one had a man admitted with his surname but different DOB. I went to check anyway in case it was a mistake. It wasn’t luckily but by this point even friend was worried.
He said we should contact police as there's no 24 hr deadline apparently. I wanted to wait till 5 as it would get back to his work and didn't want to cause embarrassment in case it was a broken phone.
Then finally see WA blue tick! He had read it and not bothered replying to me or his mate asking where he was. Called him and he answered.
I expected him to at least sound apologetic. NO, he sounded belligerent in a way I’ve beard heard before. Admitted he’d turned off his phone - to get ‘peace’ from my ‘nagging’. I explained how worried I had been and his friend too, and how he hadn’t called his dad at the normal time. No remorse, said I shouldn’t have bothered. When I asked if under similar circumstances he’d have done the same for me, he didn’t reply.
The ‘nagging’ was me expecting him to have made dinner like he said he would as he was on a rest day and I was working. I came home, no dinner, he hadn’t even done the grocery shopping and it was clear he expected me to do it. Also told me he’d manually done the washing up from dinner I cooked day before because dishwasher needed a deep clean. Which he obv expected me to clean. When I asked him why he hadn’t made dinner, he said it was because he was doing the washing up. When I told him he was always going to have to do washing up to cook (as it’s the same pans and he didn’t do it last night) he said he hadn’t realised how long it would take. (No way, he didn't! as he's never owned a dishwasher)
He still didn’t offer to make dinner, or clean the dishwasher. I have ‘nagged’ him to share cooking/cleaning before and he does it for a few days then back to normal service. I actually work longer hours than him too but because I wfh he thinks I have more time. Which is why I said we needed to talk as I shouldn’t have to negotiate with him to do his share. That’s when he got cross and said he didn’t want to talk. And that he was going to his flat as tired. Didn’t pack anything which is why I thought he’d be back for bedtime or next morning. And previously he’d message to tell me how long he was going for. You all know the rest.
Now, he hung up on me in the middle of the conversation when I wasn’t apologising. And SWITCHED OFF HIS PHONE AGAIN. Obv I won’t be contacting him now. He is being so manipulative. We booked a sabbatical from work, spent non refundable £££ on this holiday, were discussing a September town hall wedding, renovating his flat to sell. It feels like he made this fight on purpose to get out of doing it all. And was too cowardly to tell me.
Friend has been very apologetic and offered to talk to him about what’s going on. Previously when he left for his flat or a walk, he explained he needed to calmly think through arguments and not respond in anger. It was only ever a few hours, he’d tell me what time he’d be back and his phone was never switched off. I sometimes need to sit in a quiet room away from the argument so understand everyone has different coping mechanisms. He always came back more willing to compromise too. And he hasn’t done it in a year esp not since moving in. So I know this isn’t about the chores - it really isn’t that big an adjustment for him to cook more. He wanted to push me to end things. And I’m angry and devastated at how he’s done it. It’s so selfish and immature.
Thank you all for support during a crap day. Going to stay with my friend this weekend to think of next steps but I’m aware the relationship is terminal now. He will keep doing this till I end it so best to put us both out of our misery.