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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
Yamaya · 30/03/2023 14:50

I would definitely be concerned too OP. You know him better than anyone else on this forum so if you say it's out of character it is. Some people on mumsnet are just pathetic little saddos who love nothing better than ripping into someone when they are having a crisis. I hope everything works out.

thethinendofthewedge · 30/03/2023 14:53

punishing me for nagging him

See, that's the wrong way to put it. 'Nag' is a word men use against women to make them feel bad for the necessary repetition of unpalatable truths e.g "pull your weight around the home, we both live here and you need to share the load". It's not great that he's peeved about that. Men who can look after their own space but as soon as a woman is around default to 'she'll do it all' are to be avoided.

Seaweed42 · 30/03/2023 14:54

What happened at lunchtime?

workinmums · 30/03/2023 14:58

Seaweed42 · 30/03/2023 14:54

What happened at lunchtime?

She found him well and alive and won't probably won't be coming back to the thread to update.

mincedtart · 30/03/2023 14:59

workinmums · 30/03/2023 14:58

She found him well and alive and won't probably won't be coming back to the thread to update.

Where did she say this?

MrNook · 30/03/2023 15:00

Please ignore the horrible comments OP and do come back and update us

Best case scenario he's totally fine, his phones broken and you need to have a chat about the storming off all the time

mincedtart · 30/03/2023 15:01

I can’t believe how horrible and dismissive people are being because the person involved is a man.

Yes it could be a strop, and hopefully is. But to suggest OP shouldn’t even bother looking for him is disgusting. And shame on anyone with that attitude dressing it up as feminism.

Joystir59 · 30/03/2023 15:02

I hope by no you have answers and all is well

Peachy2005 · 30/03/2023 15:04

I hope OP will come back to update us and ignore the inevitable judgmental posts.

Hopefully all is fine and she can move on in the best way FOR HER!!

She has certainly had enough advice to cover every possible eventuality…

BowiesJumper · 30/03/2023 15:06

I hope he’s ok OP! I would be worried in those circumstances too.

TotallyLosttonight · 30/03/2023 15:06

Hope you found him safe and sound OP.

Sistanotcista · 30/03/2023 15:06

I hope he's been found safe and sound.

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 15:13

Yamaya · 30/03/2023 14:50

I would definitely be concerned too OP. You know him better than anyone else on this forum so if you say it's out of character it is. Some people on mumsnet are just pathetic little saddos who love nothing better than ripping into someone when they are having a crisis. I hope everything works out.

But infinitely more people on these types of threads are “pathetic little saddos” who enjoy whipping anxious people up into a frenzy.

You’d definitely be concerned. It’s out of character (although it’s NOT). Referring to OP’s situation as a “crisis”. You hope everything works out. Blah blah blah

Yamaya · 30/03/2023 15:18

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 15:13

But infinitely more people on these types of threads are “pathetic little saddos” who enjoy whipping anxious people up into a frenzy.

You’d definitely be concerned. It’s out of character (although it’s NOT). Referring to OP’s situation as a “crisis”. You hope everything works out. Blah blah blah

Found one.

Justalittlebitduckling · 30/03/2023 15:18

You set your boundaries, and he is punishing you by making you worry.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/03/2023 15:18

I'd be concerned too.

There's a difference between "cooling down" for a few hours after an argument, and being totally uncontactable to everyone (not just OP) for 18+ hours.

PollyAmour · 30/03/2023 15:19

I hope he is safe and well and your concerns were unfounded.

SpinCityBlues · 30/03/2023 15:20

I think he will be at the flat. OP may or may not have been able to get in to the flat, depending on keys/locks/inside bolt situation.

I think the OP's DP will have been crying.

I think things will be said like, 'I want this to work', 'I don't know what's wrong with me', 'can't we make this work?', 'I feel like I need some space'.

Nchangeagain · 30/03/2023 15:34

@JurassicParkaha how did it go? Is everything OK? Hopefully, you get some answers, and it's nothing bad.

MadeForThis · 30/03/2023 15:37

Trust your instincts.

pinkoveralls · 30/03/2023 15:40

SpinCityBlues · 30/03/2023 15:20

I think he will be at the flat. OP may or may not have been able to get in to the flat, depending on keys/locks/inside bolt situation.

I think the OP's DP will have been crying.

I think things will be said like, 'I want this to work', 'I don't know what's wrong with me', 'can't we make this work?', 'I feel like I need some space'.

And what happened next, what did OP say? What about the dad?
Don't leave us hanging!

MyStarBoy · 30/03/2023 15:41

For god sake please don't be stupid enough to run after him as you will be setting yourself up for failure forever more on 'issues.'

Leave the baby alone.

He'll learn (the 'right' way).

TheMatriarchy · 30/03/2023 15:42

Silent treatment and stonewalling are very bad signs in a relationship. And if this is over being asked to do his fair share, thats even worse. This type of behaviour is dealt out to train the other person not to ask, to walk on eggshells, its gets worse over time too. Unless there is another significant explanation for his behaviour, it would be wise to be quite wary of continuing with him long term.

WheresMyAlex · 30/03/2023 15:49

Hope everything’s okay OP and he was just sulking at home.
please ignore the horrible posters.

CarPoor · 30/03/2023 15:51

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 13:33

But this isn't really unusual behaviour, the op has already said he takes himself off and ignores her after an argument. He said he was leaving and going to his flat. Chances are this is exactly what he's done.

If you go on a 24hr sulk, ignoring your partner and they contact your family and friends because they are worried to be quite frank thats your own stupid fault isn't it?

It's consequences of your actions. If you don't want your partner to contact your family don't disappear. If you behave like a toddler people will treat you like one

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