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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
Fmlgirl · 30/03/2023 13:33

I think this guy is fine.
I would dump him though. This is not a way to handle adult relationships and a simple disagreement. I used to have an ex like this who blew up for being challenged about the smallest of things . I am now in a relationship where we discuss things and don’t storm off/blow up and it’s so much better and healthier.
He’s not husband or father material. He cannot even do basic chores and share the load now. It’s only going to get worse.
It’s not fair to put OP through this level of anxiety. He’s a manipulator.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 13:33

MyriadOfTravels · 30/03/2023 13:02

I'd be really annoyed if my other half had half of my friends and family out looking for me after a row.

@CleaningOutMyCloset you mean you’d be upset if you behaved in a really unusual way, for all I tend and purposes disappeared for nearly 24 hours and a someone close to you, your partner, decided that it was worrying and would check if you are ok???
Thats a bizarre reaction tbh. Usually you EXPECT people to check up on you when someone has gone AWOL. But hey Ho. I suppose it’s best take the risk that you’ve been hurt and need help fir a while instead 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But this isn't really unusual behaviour, the op has already said he takes himself off and ignores her after an argument. He said he was leaving and going to his flat. Chances are this is exactly what he's done.

smizing · 30/03/2023 13:34

viques · 30/03/2023 13:31

He had a flat to go to. So not having to sleep on a park bench or ride a night bus all night.

As others have said, storming off is very immature behaviour, and since you seem to be so anxious about an adult behaving like a two year old in a petty huff I expect half the reason he storms off when things don’t go his own way is because you make such a fuss . Ignore bad behaviour, works with dogs and children.

Does he slam doors, make cross faces and say “ I hate you you are a smelly mummy “ as well?

So immature. I can bet my bottom dollar there's absolutely nothing wrong with him but let OP go off and "check up".

Scottishgirl85 · 30/03/2023 13:34

You talk about previous arguments, and you've not really been together all that long. Are you compatible? My husband and I have never argued in 18 years of knowing him. We just discuss any disagreements, which are very rare. I couldn't be dealing with storming off in a huff and not pulling weight with house stuff...

TedMullins · 30/03/2023 13:35

I don’t think you’re overreacting. I’d also be worried and would check on him - but I do think the most likely outcome is he’s being a dick

cowsaysmoo · 30/03/2023 13:37

Hope he's ok OP and don't mind all the negative comments here. trying to contact dp after an argument and then being worried in this situation is absolutely normal behaviour.

I wonder if all those posters who say dump him straight away are in any kind of relationship with such attitude or just are mean.

Glitteratitar · 30/03/2023 13:38

berksandbeyond · 30/03/2023 13:21

Ignore the ‘cool wives’ - you are absolutely right to be concerned and anyone I know would be in the same situation. I hope he’s ok!

🙄

ThreeblackCats · 30/03/2023 13:46

Leave the manchild to stew in his juices! I don’t think I could be with someone so spoilt, childish and petty.

SirVixofVixHall · 30/03/2023 13:46

As he also has been unavailable to his Dad and friend it does seem odd, I hope you hear from him soon OP. Maybe a lost ‘phone ?

embarrassed23 · 30/03/2023 13:47

These comments wow. I hope he's back in touch soon OP so you can stop worrying

Midge75 · 30/03/2023 13:47

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 13:26

To those who wouldn't be worried, is that because in your own relationships it's normal to be out of contact for his long?

No. It's not normal for me. But if my OH walked out during an argument and decided he wasn't going to speak to me and cut all contact, he could fuck right off. I don't want to play stupid games. I'm not going to run after him.

I get that, and I reckon the OP probably feels the same, if that's what her partner's done. But he's never cut contact altogether before, plus he hasn't been in touch with his dad, which is also unusual. I don't think it's at all unreasonable to chase after him after so many hours, to see if he's ok - I don't think the OP is in the habit of following him when he normally goes for a cool off. This is different, which is why she's worried. And if it turns out that he's just escalated his reaction this time, then she can decide it's not worth dealing with a silly man-child who uses the silent treatment after an argument.

PippaF2 · 30/03/2023 13:52

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 13:33

But this isn't really unusual behaviour, the op has already said he takes himself off and ignores her after an argument. He said he was leaving and going to his flat. Chances are this is exactly what he's done.

Show quote history

But that's not what she said is it? She said he does take himself off during an argument but he makes contact after a few hours.

He has never switched his phone off for an entire night - if only because he has an ailing father who needs to be able to reach him.

She describes this as uncharacteristic.

I'm sure you are right in that he's fine but the OP is not over reacting right now. She's worried and it's perfectly legitimate.

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 13:52

I don't think the OP is in the habit of following him when he normally goes for a cool off. This is different, which is why she's worried.

It's only different because this time he's turned his phone off because he wanted peace and she starting calling and WhatsApping him.

Midge75 · 30/03/2023 13:56

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 13:52

I don't think the OP is in the habit of following him when he normally goes for a cool off. This is different, which is why she's worried.

It's only different because this time he's turned his phone off because he wanted peace and she starting calling and WhatsApping him.

That's complete speculation though. Perfectly reasonable to hold that as a possible scenario but to be so certain as to completely dismiss the possibility that something has happened seems really uncaring. If your scenario is correct, then absolutely, the OP should tell him he's ridiculous and their future is in question, but right now, I think it's perfectly reasonable to make sure he's ok.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/03/2023 14:04

Storming off is one thing, but not replying to a vulnerable parent when he normally does is concerning and I hope nothing has happened to him, but if he's fine, you need a heart to heart discussion about your future

Seaweed42 · 30/03/2023 14:08

It's only been one night! Maybe he fell asleep, it's his day off work after all!

Jonei · 30/03/2023 14:14

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 13:52

I don't think the OP is in the habit of following him when he normally goes for a cool off. This is different, which is why she's worried.

It's only different because this time he's turned his phone off because he wanted peace and she starting calling and WhatsApping him.

How do you know this with such certainty, unless you are him?

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 14:15

berksandbeyond · 30/03/2023 13:21

Ignore the ‘cool wives’ - you are absolutely right to be concerned and anyone I know would be in the same situation. I hope he’s ok!

How the fuck is it being a “cool wife” because you wouldn’t go running after someone who storms off from arguments and ignores you????

This is normal behaviour for him, it’s just slightly longer than last time.

AllTheDifference · 30/03/2023 14:18

I won’t repeat anything said already OP other than to say I despise behaviour like storming off for ages or putting the phone down etc, during arguments. It’s very unhelpful.

I wanted to say that I have seen many many posts like these over the years. And it’s usually the man being drunk, sleeping etc. He is very likely to be safe. And then it’s up to you where you take the relationship.

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 14:20

How do you know this with such certainty, unless you are him?

Because he left and she messaged him within a couple of hours then called when he didn't answer and she said they normally resolve it in a couple of hours and always picks her calls up, ie she phoned him.

Mom2K · 30/03/2023 14:23

All I know is that if it turns out he was fine and had switched off his phone to ignore me, I would be ending the relationship. I didn't take the action of ending the relationship when my ex behaved this way with me and endured a lot of heartache and misery until I finally got rid of him. Don't be me.

Hopefully you will know what has actually happened soon enough.

Ironfist · 30/03/2023 14:27

Gosh, I hope you find out what's happened soon OP!

WifeofEvelynHugo · 30/03/2023 14:29

I hope he is just being an arse, and there is nothing more to worry about other than whether or not this relationship can work.

I think you are entirely entitled to be worried x

noimaginationforausername · 30/03/2023 14:33

Hope you manage to track him down op, totally understand why you’re worried as I would be by now as well.

Mumofnarnia · 30/03/2023 14:44

Oh no! Hope you find him safe and well op. Completely understand why you are worried if this is out of character for him