Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has ADHD and I'm struggling

150 replies

TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:07

So I'm just looking for some advice from anyone who has a partner with ADHD.

My husband has always been 'scatty' but after a few things last year he finally got assessed and diagnosed with ADHD. He tried the meds but didn't get on with them.

He's done really well at work despite his ADHD challenges, but he has a big job which he loves (for a charity) and sometimes I really feel like it takes the best of him, and particularly when he's stressed out, leaves me with a shell of a man who is only half present.

The mental load has always been bad for me as I tend to take everything on, but he's literally forgetting things a minute after I've mentioned something, it's driving me mad. I will always remind him of family stuff, eg if DS needs his PE kit for school, but I have to remind him the night before, the morning of, and even when he's on his way out the door he still won't have the effing PE kit. Trying to remember to remind him about everything is killing me! I have a full time job too and I'm tired and losing my patience, which isn't fair as I know it's not his fault. He's a really kind and wonderful person and I am getting shoutier than I want to be.

I'm not sure what I want to get from posting this, maybe some solidarity from other ADHD spouses and any tips or coping mechanisms that others have found?

OP posts:
PsychoHotSauce · 29/03/2023 21:15

What do you mean he didn't get on with the meds? What else, if anything, is he willing to try?

I have ADHD, uneducated, but I've worked really really hard to put strategies in place that I'm not "scatty" and no one takes my mental load.

is he open to suggestions? Can he have a list I.e. pe kit on his phone? You can set alarms multiple times a day to "check The List", even that might start getting him into a routine. It takes me a long time to make a new habit, but I do get there and it makes things easier.

Right now he's leaving everything to you and that's not fair. He has to want to lighten the load by at least trying out different strategies long enough to make them stick.

PsychoHotSauce · 29/03/2023 21:16

Fgs. Unmedicated not uneducated Grin

Stinkypink · 29/03/2023 21:19

You need leave things with him (remind him once only), let things fall apart and leave him to remedy the fall out without you saving the day.

Stinkypink · 29/03/2023 21:20

Tough love

Soontobe60 · 29/03/2023 21:21

How old is your DS?

Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:24

PsychoHotSauce · 29/03/2023 21:15

What do you mean he didn't get on with the meds? What else, if anything, is he willing to try?

I have ADHD, uneducated, but I've worked really really hard to put strategies in place that I'm not "scatty" and no one takes my mental load.

is he open to suggestions? Can he have a list I.e. pe kit on his phone? You can set alarms multiple times a day to "check The List", even that might start getting him into a routine. It takes me a long time to make a new habit, but I do get there and it makes things easier.

Right now he's leaving everything to you and that's not fair. He has to want to lighten the load by at least trying out different strategies long enough to make them stick.

You're right in that we haven't tried anything long enough to make it stick...

I put things in his work diary which seems to help but not eg on a Monday morning when the PE kit is needed, and he hasn't yet checked his work diary. He has previously said that visual reminders work better for him so maybe we need to write things on a board or the fridge. But I would usually be the one having to instigate this, he doesn't take a lot of responsibility for doing this sort of thing. I will suggest it and maybe if he creates the system he might be more likely to stick to it.

OP posts:
Adhdwife · 29/03/2023 21:25

He needs to acknowledge the impact this has on you and help minimise it.

Can he go back to the psychiatrist and try different medication?

And/or devise strategies - e.g. using reminder apps.

Do you both have a way of taking exercise and relaxing? This is one of the strategies (unmedicated) DH and I have, especially yoga and exercise outdoors like walking and cycling.

Ultimately, how committed is he to making the marriage work? Unless he really takes that seriously and is willing to work with you on how you can accommodate each other, then my advice would be to think about separating before you drown from all the drudgery and domestic responsibilities.

Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:25

Stinkypink · 29/03/2023 21:19

You need leave things with him (remind him once only), let things fall apart and leave him to remedy the fall out without you saving the day.

Hahah I've thought about this. Just how long would it take him to remember to do a load of washing? Guess he'll do it when he runs out of pants.

I worry so much about letting things slip for the kids though, I think that's my own issue though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:26

Soontobe60 · 29/03/2023 21:21

How old is your DS?

DS 5, DD 2.

OP posts:
HowardKirksConscience · 29/03/2023 21:27

I realise I’m going to get flak for this but how do men with ADHD manage to have a ‘big job’ (OP’s words) but fall apart on domestic matters? How do they do well enough to get promoted to the big job in the first place?

Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:28

Adhdwife · 29/03/2023 21:25

He needs to acknowledge the impact this has on you and help minimise it.

Can he go back to the psychiatrist and try different medication?

And/or devise strategies - e.g. using reminder apps.

Do you both have a way of taking exercise and relaxing? This is one of the strategies (unmedicated) DH and I have, especially yoga and exercise outdoors like walking and cycling.

Ultimately, how committed is he to making the marriage work? Unless he really takes that seriously and is willing to work with you on how you can accommodate each other, then my advice would be to think about separating before you drown from all the drudgery and domestic responsibilities.

He's extremely committed to me and the kids. I think he does understand that something needs to change, but isn't actually making the leap to change it at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:29

Adhdwife · 29/03/2023 21:25

He needs to acknowledge the impact this has on you and help minimise it.

Can he go back to the psychiatrist and try different medication?

And/or devise strategies - e.g. using reminder apps.

Do you both have a way of taking exercise and relaxing? This is one of the strategies (unmedicated) DH and I have, especially yoga and exercise outdoors like walking and cycling.

Ultimately, how committed is he to making the marriage work? Unless he really takes that seriously and is willing to work with you on how you can accommodate each other, then my advice would be to think about separating before you drown from all the drudgery and domestic responsibilities.

Oh and yes, definitely the exercise thing. He's someone who needs to move and I even pointed this out to him tonight, he sits at his desk all day (we both work from home) and whereas I go out to the shop, to meet a friend or contact for coffee, he's literally inside all day. He does play football once a week and is obviously active with the kids at the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:31

HowardKirksConscience · 29/03/2023 21:27

I realise I’m going to get flak for this but how do men with ADHD manage to have a ‘big job’ (OP’s words) but fall apart on domestic matters? How do they do well enough to get promoted to the big job in the first place?

Honestly I wonder this every single day. How is he so competent at work he's been promoted several times then at home he can't remember a PE kit? That's what I mean about work taking the best of him. I think he's just totally at capacity with work and there's not much left.

OP posts:
HidingUnderMyDuvet · 29/03/2023 21:33

My DH has ADHD, and is only recently medicated. It has helped somewhat, but not as amazing as you would hope.

He too uses a lot of his "energy" to hold work together, and at home is a little more coming apart at the seams. @HowardKirksConscience i think it is similar to when a child saves all their melt downs for home, but manages to hold it together at school.

One thing I have found helps us is having very discrete tasks. So for example he is in charge of recycling, I am in charge of general bin. I point blank refuse to do the recycling bin. I will pile things on top of, and around it. It can get annoying if it doesn't get done, but sometimes just the smallest prompt is all that's required. There are a few things around the house he is solely in charge of. That has taken ages to become routine, but we are there now.

Also, Alexa is your friend. DS is also suspected ADHD and the only way he can get all of the right things to school on the right days is with reminders on Alexa. They go off throughout the whole house just before we leave for school. They also wake DH up, because I was sick of having to do it!!

kwaziseyepatch · 29/03/2023 21:35

I'll give you solidarity OP.

We are in the early days of DHs diagnosis and so far medication isn't helping. He's had lots of counselling and coaching which has helped more. We haven't found our groove yet but I definitely get the stress of constantly having to 'remind' my husband of everything especially when it comes to the kids.

Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:37

HidingUnderMyDuvet · 29/03/2023 21:33

My DH has ADHD, and is only recently medicated. It has helped somewhat, but not as amazing as you would hope.

He too uses a lot of his "energy" to hold work together, and at home is a little more coming apart at the seams. @HowardKirksConscience i think it is similar to when a child saves all their melt downs for home, but manages to hold it together at school.

One thing I have found helps us is having very discrete tasks. So for example he is in charge of recycling, I am in charge of general bin. I point blank refuse to do the recycling bin. I will pile things on top of, and around it. It can get annoying if it doesn't get done, but sometimes just the smallest prompt is all that's required. There are a few things around the house he is solely in charge of. That has taken ages to become routine, but we are there now.

Also, Alexa is your friend. DS is also suspected ADHD and the only way he can get all of the right things to school on the right days is with reminders on Alexa. They go off throughout the whole house just before we leave for school. They also wake DH up, because I was sick of having to do it!!

Oh my god that sounds amazing! I wouldn't have thought of that, we don't have an Alexa but will look into it.

Also love the idea of having distinct tasks, that would definitely help him. Now I think about it, he considers it 'his' job to take the bins out each week, and remarkably always remembers that one thing. I think it's because he knows it's his.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:38

kwaziseyepatch · 29/03/2023 21:35

I'll give you solidarity OP.

We are in the early days of DHs diagnosis and so far medication isn't helping. He's had lots of counselling and coaching which has helped more. We haven't found our groove yet but I definitely get the stress of constantly having to 'remind' my husband of everything especially when it comes to the kids.

Nice to know I'm not alone but I hope that your situation improves soon too.

(Also love your Mumsnet name!)

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 29/03/2023 21:41

I'm a woman, I have ADHD, a big job and have a memory like your DH.

I swear to God this isn't just strategic incompetence.

Some of us have severe working memory issues. It doesn't impact me much at work because I have specific coping mechanisms that don't transfer to home.

For example - I manage a lot via my Outlook calendar which is basically always open and in front of me all day.

I can't walk around at home with a laptop in front of my face 24/7 and that's what it would take.

I can't rely on alarms or things on my phone - as soon as the alarm has gone off and I've read the reminder and glanced away. I've forgotten again.

I can't use to do lists because I write a list and then forget the list exists.

I really don't think he can do anything about this - I should know, I have tried everything many, many times.

It's also not something that can be helped with ADHD meds (I'm on meds).

However I would talk to him about what he can do that rebalances things out. You need to accept that his brain can't do this type of task....so what other tasks can he pick up instead that he will be able to do and that balances the load out?

CombatBarbie · 29/03/2023 21:41

Without sounding horrible how long have you been together and married. This isn't new but understand over time he's gone from scatty to "a nightmare"

I agree with another poster that it's convenient he's ace at work but shit at home. I also understand masking as I do the same but I take responsibility for my forgetfulness, But my phone pings several times a day for taking meds, reminder tomorrow is pe day and then it reminds me 30 mins before kids leave that day etc. I don't clear the notification until I've physically done what's required. All on a shared Google calendar.

wheresmymojo · 29/03/2023 21:45

I also give a lot to work - it's another ADHD trait for some of us (like autism we have different clusters of symptoms).

It's a case of hyper-attention on work and a problem with transitions (from working to not working).

Honestly those chiming in who don't have ADHD - would you tell cancer patients how they should or shouldn't feel or what symptoms they should or shouldn't have if you didn't have experience of cancer?

Would you think someone that did was a bit of a dick?

Think about it....

absolutelyknackeredcow · 29/03/2023 21:49

Sympathisé OP. I actually have ADHD and so does my husband. I have a really big job. My ADHD acts as a super power at work and I generally can get through loads and loads at home and at work. I think at home I am conditioned to do more because of my gender - and so a lot of the mental load fell on me not DH.
He is appalling at remembering anything and I actually hit a wall a year or so ago as simply the load was not equal in terms of mental load (childcare much more equal).
Things that worked
Allocating entire responsibilities for one child for him. I do not get involved in sorting things for the youngest. Eldest is mine
A large white board in the kitchen with each family member and days of week on it. Every Sunday we go through the board and write down all additional things - eg dress up day or birthday party alongside our own work arrangements and meals

I do not answer questions or texts for things on the board. Questions have reduced by about 90%

Hth - best of luck

Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:49

wheresmymojo · 29/03/2023 21:41

I'm a woman, I have ADHD, a big job and have a memory like your DH.

I swear to God this isn't just strategic incompetence.

Some of us have severe working memory issues. It doesn't impact me much at work because I have specific coping mechanisms that don't transfer to home.

For example - I manage a lot via my Outlook calendar which is basically always open and in front of me all day.

I can't walk around at home with a laptop in front of my face 24/7 and that's what it would take.

I can't rely on alarms or things on my phone - as soon as the alarm has gone off and I've read the reminder and glanced away. I've forgotten again.

I can't use to do lists because I write a list and then forget the list exists.

I really don't think he can do anything about this - I should know, I have tried everything many, many times.

It's also not something that can be helped with ADHD meds (I'm on meds).

However I would talk to him about what he can do that rebalances things out. You need to accept that his brain can't do this type of task....so what other tasks can he pick up instead that he will be able to do and that balances the load out?

Thank you for your insight. I know he's not doing it maliciously, I know he has a disability. That's why I feel awful even bringing it up, and upset with myself for getting annoyed.

He sounds very similar in that he forgets soon after an alert, and half the time he's left his phone somewhere else anyway!

I like the idea of divvying up the tasks in a different way, so he can contribute in another way. That's a great way of approaching the issue. I feel like I have to be a bit careful that I don't just end up giving up and doing everything.

When he looks after the kids he is totally present and so much more of a natural parent than me. He has a lot of qualities I don't have, it's really not all bad!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:52

wheresmymojo · 29/03/2023 21:45

I also give a lot to work - it's another ADHD trait for some of us (like autism we have different clusters of symptoms).

It's a case of hyper-attention on work and a problem with transitions (from working to not working).

Honestly those chiming in who don't have ADHD - would you tell cancer patients how they should or shouldn't feel or what symptoms they should or shouldn't have if you didn't have experience of cancer?

Would you think someone that did was a bit of a dick?

Think about it....

Thanks yes he really struggles with the transitions, especially as he often jumps back online to answer emails after the kids have gone down.

And yes, I agree, especially the people telling me to leave him - he has a disability, I am frustrated and we need to find a new way of managing things but I'm not going to leave him over it!

OP posts:
otherwayup · 29/03/2023 21:52

Another one with a dh who can just about deal with holding down a demanding job but not much else!

We cope by me working part time, it means that there's far less resentment and our weekends are fairly free & easy.
I appreciate its not for everyone but suits me as I do a very tricky job that's emotionally very training so I'm happy to be at home half the week!

Original poster
TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:54

otherwayup · 29/03/2023 21:52

Another one with a dh who can just about deal with holding down a demanding job but not much else!

We cope by me working part time, it means that there's far less resentment and our weekends are fairly free & easy.
I appreciate its not for everyone but suits me as I do a very tricky job that's emotionally very training so I'm happy to be at home half the week!

I was 4 days until recently and it's def had an impact, going full time. But I have just started a business and I really love it, I want to give myself the time to do it and I do think I'll resent it if I don't. But I totally agree, it was easier when I was part time.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread