Husband has ADHD and I'm struggling

[TheRamblingRose]

So I'm just looking for some advice from anyone who has a partner with ADHD.

My husband has always been 'scatty' but after a few things last year he finally got assessed and diagnosed with ADHD. He tried the meds but didn't get on with them.

He's done really well at work despite his ADHD challenges, but he has a big job which he loves (for a charity) and sometimes I really feel like it takes the best of him, and particularly when he's stressed out, leaves me with a shell of a man who is only half present.

The mental load has always been bad for me as I tend to take everything on, but he's literally forgetting things a minute after I've mentioned something, it's driving me mad. I will always remind him of family stuff, eg if DS needs his PE kit for school, but I have to remind him the night before, the morning of, and even when he's on his way out the door he still won't have the effing PE kit. Trying to remember to remind him about everything is killing me! I have a full time job too and I'm tired and losing my patience, which isn't fair as I know it's not his fault. He's a really kind and wonderful person and I am getting shoutier than I want to be.

I'm not sure what I want to get from posting this, maybe some solidarity from other ADHD spouses and any tips or coping mechanisms that others have found?

This thread has made me cry. I posted a couple of days ago on AIBU wondering if my husband has ADHD and up popped this as a suggested thread. My goodness the relief. I've literally been scrolling through hitting "save" "save" "save". It's all so clear. What made me cry though was the lady who said (paraphrasing) "does this mean I have to do the drudge work for the rest of my life while he only does the things that are interesting and stimulating to HIM?" Because that's all that's been in my head today. I thought I could "make our life better" if only he'd understand and change and help me with the endless mental load. Realising that he can't change has made me feel very hopeless.

I love a whiteboard OP. There is something about the visual nature of it, how tactile it is, the fact you actually have to write things down that is helpful for memory in a way that digital devices aren't, although apps are great for reminder alarms.

@stanfordpuma He can't change in a fundamental way, but he can help himself in recognising his weaknesses and doing something about them. Much sympathy to you.

So glad medication has worked for you @CummaCummaChameleon .

Yes don't do that. It unintentionally infantilises him, you'd probably be resentful having to do this, and it's not getting him to practice what needs to be done.

He might want to try a list before he leaves the house. Again allocation of tasks and routine is key, as well as accepting there will be the occasional mishap even if he does improve. Could you post a list of what you typcially have with you if you need to go out with the children?

I am sorry to hijack this thread - apologies, I'm in the middle of a huge dawning realisation that it's ADHD I've been dealing with for 10 years of marriage. Not a "quirky annoying husband who I love but who drives me insane".

We have 5 different bags that live in the hall beside the front door. The swimming bag. The karate bag etc. Each bag has the exact kit for the kids for each activity. Our KIDS know to pick up the correct bag for each activity as they walk out the door with my husband. After each activity we wash/fold/rinse as required (kids remind husband) then everything goes back in the bag and it goes back in the hall. There is no other way. We've had to become this way because of him. I just didn't know it was called ADHD.

I remember everything and monitor everything (as well as working full time). My kids are 8 year old twins. I communicate with them on iPad Messenger. If I'm at work/away on business I do all the reminding on our little messenger group and by phoning the home landline to tell them to check the messenger group. (Husband is also on the group but reminding HIM is pointless.) "X you have X tomorrow so bring X to school" etc. "X do your music practice and send me a video of it please." That's just my life. It was much much harder when they were little.

I mentioned on my other thread- husband has a really good heart and loves us very much. He's "good at the big stuff". But he is utterly incapable of doing any one of the thousands of things that make a family life operate. Unless he is given extremely specific, immediate instructions and forced to do it on the spot. "I would like you to change that light bulb right now please." "No I will not wait- I need you to do this now because otherwise I will have to ask you again and again and again and then you will accuse me of nagging and I will be exhausted."

It is utterly exhausting.

Just came across this thread. DH has ADHD, diagnosed last year after I screamed at him that he needed help. We have been married for 20 years, have 4 dc and I am utterly sick of having to always remind him, to constantly manage him.

Your dh could have ADHD, stanfordpuma, but tbh I don't know any women who don't have to micromanage family life from afar when they travel.

I have adhd I'm a woman and I'm medicated.
I am quite organised now in my forties but it took years and it's very draining.
I have to be on pretty much all the time and conversely I get called controlling by my family. Which feels a bit shit.
I have a very demanding job and I'm a single parent and sometimes thinking about how much of my time is taken up with planning and prepping and organising just to keep ion top of daily life that also feels a bit shit.

Being organised had to become the hyper focus.

I cannot manage without the Quicky Sticky app, which is used as a widget on my main phone screen. It’s like an electronic post it note and anything that I think of that needs doing, I write it on there and am reminded of it every time that I look at my phone. I then wipe it once I’ve done it

As far as time blindness goes, I do a lot of measuring of how long things take and writing them down. I know this sounds crazy but it works because when you have it written down, you can evaluate it slowly, outside of the stressful moment, and strategise. I also do quite a bit of systematic trial and error with my kids. Try this. Did it work? Why or why not? Now modify it slightly. Better? Worse? Why? This is all stuff your dh should be doing to learn to work with his own brain. But the other thing you might have to do is decrease the amount of stuff you plan for the family. If he can do two things well or five things badly, maybe just plan two things. Generally people with ADHD are less efficient because executive function is lower, so it's going to take them longer to do activities that involve planning, detail-orientedness, etc.

Good you’ve got a system to be implemented (whiteboard), at the same time you’ll need to step back and allow him to find his feet, make mistakes and cement his own routines.

I have autism and suspected ADHD. I have a visual calendar, a phone calendar. Every week I write down everything I need to achieve each day. I tend to routine everything to make it easier to remember. I put alerts on phone calendar for important things and alarms for vital things. I also only work part time as I couldn't manage full time plus family.

My DH is like this too. Instead of even trying to take meds he just calls it his super power. This only serves to wind me up further because I have to constantly remind him of shit and he's always losing stuff. It's taken 20 years to actually admit he's got it.

He's a kind gentle soul though. But that part of him. It's crap!

This thread has given me so much insight! I'm also over from @stanfordpuma thread on AIBU. We have already naturally implemented some of the strategies mentioned. DH was never diagnosed but DS was and the more I read up the more I realise the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

What frustrates me the most is not the things DH cant help but those that he can. For example, when in conversation with me his phone pings, he picks up his phone, types a reply, leaves me sitting like a moron then changes the topic to talk about what he wants to talk about. The excuse when challanged is he just forgot, its the way his brain is wired, I need to understand more. But to me this is just being an a**hole. If he knows he has trouble focusing then dont have the phone in front of you when someone is talking to you, don't enable notifications. Don't prioritise some dumb joke on a Monday night 5 a side football whatsApp group over your wife who was trying to tell you something important!!

Apparently the big issue in my house is me and the fact that I am stressed all the time. I have little trust in DH when it comes to 1 off situations, I should say our weekly house is fairly in order and he is good to do the jobs that are assigned to him. If a family event is coming up I am wound up like a spring, stressing every finer detail for days, not sleeping etc and even if everything goes to plan I have little enjoyment cos I have ruined it for myself. Why? Because DH has messed up so many times, either by making us late, changing some planned thing at the last minute cos he has an impulsive notion, forgetting something etc. Similarly with holidays, inevitably something goes wrong and its always due to DH. He gets really angry at me saying I have changed so much, which is true but its only cos a person can only take so much. If you experience the same stressful thing going wrong over and over of course you are going to want to avoid a repeat. I don't like really going anywhere anymore cos I can't handle the constant drama of it all. DH does nothing to change his ways but I apparently am to blame. I am not talking about silly little things, but real things like losing a child in an airport or swimming pool. I understand the points above I really do, but I think none of us can truly understand each other, and there is a lot of "a NT brain works like this.." but we all have unique features and there are things I find extremely difficult but no one gives a crap about those, I just have to get on with it and with a smile on my face too apparently.

Sorry that all sounds a bit ranty! just letting off steam. I should say I have 2 DC with autism, 1 with ADHD too and the other with a lot of sensory stuff and dyspraxia so I have a lot going on, too much to care about where DH left his keys. Its a bad combination. Also DH isnt accepting his issues. @wednesdaynamesep I hear everything you said!!

@LaMaG I would sometimes like to take DP’s phone and drop kick it into the fucking sea. His idea of working on his phone addiction is to pick up his kindle, iPad or headphones for a podcast instead. Just focus for once on the thing happening in real life that relies on your active listening and participation, ahhhhhh!

TBH I have ADHD and I get fed up with all the "NT brains work perfectly all the time and life is easy for them" because that doesn't help, and it fuels the whole "everyone has ADHD" thing.

If I can help with the phone thing, what I've realised since learning I have ADHD is that I don't really notice patterns like that. So he might be aware that you get annoyed at him for changing the subject, but then when he tries to analyse what went wrong/why he changed the subject, he's only gone one step back - ah - I changed the subject because I forgot what we were talking about before, well that's not my fault. And that's probably true - he can't change how he reacts to distractions.

He hasn't gone back multiple steps and thought why did I forget - ah I was distracted/answering that message - why did I answer that message immediately? Because the notification came up, wiped my "current focus" blackboard and replaced it with the very dopamine-heavy social chat.

And he hasn't gone ah, this is a pattern that happens often - the whatsapp notification pulls me out of my current surroundings. Hmm, maybe some of the apps on my phone pull my focus in a way which is unhelpful.

In my experience, that's what I was doing all the time. I'd see the end result and the immediate precedent and that's all I'd consider and I wouldn't be able to pull multiple incidents together and see the pattern of behaviour.

It might seem obvious to you to mute group conversations or put the phone away when you're with someone but it's quite possibly not obvious to him. That doesn't (necessarily) mean that he's not prioritising you, it might just mean that he hasn't noticed that the phone is (one) thing that's hijacking his attention constantly.

You could try just saying something like "When you have your phone with you/notifications on during our conversations, it makes me feel like I'm not a priority."

But it does sound like he's not taking responsibility in general which sounds wearing.

My bf has adhd had since a child. He stopped taking meds as a teen then ended up homeless prison etc etc. Very impulsive and isn't good with frustration at min he's either hyper and my youngest loves that but not the teen. It's bloody hard and I've been to gp.with him.wait8ng for appointment with adhd ppl for meds

Are you sure you don’t have adhd too. Remembering stuff can be hard and stressful so could be why you find covering for DH hard.

^ that was meant for LaMag not Pompom

My husband has ADHD diagnosed as a child. I can relate so much to so many of these posts. He has the added complication of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria so talking about any of the things he does/doesn't do that i find challenging = a big row. I am so worn down by him that i have completely withdrawn from the marriage and I'm not sure he's even noticed.

as a woman with ADHD all I have to say is that most of you made a rod for your own back

why do you baby these men so much? Do you think that women, and especially wives, with ADHD get the same leeway?

You know what happens when a woman with the disorder forgets to iron own work clothes? She goes to work in crinkly clothes. If she forgets PE kit for her child? Her child does not have a PE kit. Forgets the appointment? Well...you get it.

And you know what people with ADHD do when forced to put big pants on? We cope with our disorder!

I know my memory is shit so I don't rely on it! I make notes, reminders, I will tell other people the same thing multiple times so it sticks in my own mind. Like sure, it would be great if I had a husband who would think for me and remind me to tie my own shoe laces, but I'm a woman so I was always expected to act my age, take care of myself AND of my children.

Let them fail, repeatedly, time after time until the inconvenience of their own incompetence will force them to develop some coping skills

I have ADHD and didn't get diagnosed until I was fifty. The medication was life-changing for me and enabled me to get my life into a certain degree of order and change career to my lifelong dream of becoming a writer.

My lack of executive function was always a stress to me, but my hyper organised husband was very understanding about it and worked around it because he recognised and valued my strengths as well as my weaknesses.

My daughter summed it up very well when she was about six and told someone Mummy brings the magic and Daddy makes it happen. My husband and I both valued what the other one brought to our joint lives.

I would encourage your husband to rethink medication and try a few more before giving up so easily. It can really be a game changer.
Otherwise, the lifesaver for me has been building habits. Once I understood I had no executive function, my psychiatrist helped me to build it artificially.

And the only way to do that is with small, consistent habits. You choose one - however tiny - and stick with it until you've done it for at least a month and it has become internalised. Then you add another. You are in effect creating an artificial long term memory for yourself and bypassing your lack of short-term memory.
Your husband definitely needs to make an effort and to recognise the stress he is causing you and do something about it, even if the results are not perfect.

But don't underestimate the internal shame and guilt and feelings of inadequacy this condition brings, even if the sufferer doesn't verbalise it. Living with a constant subconscious awareness that you never get things quite right and you struggle with things everyone around you apparently finds easy is hugely psychologically demoralising over a lifetime.

What my daughter said about us really helped. Whenever things are difficult, I remember that someone in my life thinks I bring the magic, and I hold on to that. Make sure you husband has something to hold onto too.

I have ADHD and I'm autistic. DH isn't officially, but has a lot of traits that clash with mine and we had counselling with someone who specifically works with ADHD couples to help us put strategies in place and the thing we have found helps the most has helped is to have set weekly meetings.

So now each week we have 2 meetings - one for general relationship stuff where you can discuss 'gripes and foibles' and also good things that have happened over the previous week. Another for life admin and discussing practical stuff that needs doing that week. Try and make an agenda to start and a list at the end and set a reminder, we go 2 hours before and half an hour before. This has really helped our relationship overall. Whenever I've mentioned this to friends they laugh (kindly!) and think it sounds a bit mad, but it works for us. One very annoying thing DH does is to take things more seriously when someone else suggests it, which meant that he took the counsellor's suggestions seriously so we've managed to more or less stick to this schedule for the last year.

Reminders for various tasks on phones that feed to our watches. As much as possible try to set them for a time that you can actually do the task and set another one 10/20 minutes after the first. No point having a reminder to clean the bathroom when you're at work, so every 2 weeks on a Saturday morning one of us is buzzed.

Google home/Alexa for reminders when cooking etc - 'OK Google, tell me in 20 minutes' and she does.

I find post-it notes good for visual reminders so I can move it once the thing is done. I put them on my mirror so I see them each morning, if I must not forget it I put it on the kitchen door above the lock so I can't not see it before I leave the house, and if I'm really stressed about forgetting I put one on the car steering wheel. DH likes an actual calendar, but I always forget to look at that.

One problem I have is that something works but only for a while so I try to switch my strategies up, so I'll use post-its for a bit, then I'll remember I have a pretty notebook I like and I'll use that for a bit. I think this is the mix of ADHD and autism where one likes routine and structure and the other is fly by the seat of your pants - I have a lot of contradictory traits - but that might be something to consider.

One other thing - I recently listened to 'You're Wrong About ADHD' podcast on Global Player and it's the only podcast about ADHD I've actually found relatable. DH has also listened and we've had some really good conversations sparked off the back of that.

(Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating other advice!).