Husband has ADHD and I'm struggling

[TheRamblingRose]

So I'm just looking for some advice from anyone who has a partner with ADHD.

My husband has always been 'scatty' but after a few things last year he finally got assessed and diagnosed with ADHD. He tried the meds but didn't get on with them.

He's done really well at work despite his ADHD challenges, but he has a big job which he loves (for a charity) and sometimes I really feel like it takes the best of him, and particularly when he's stressed out, leaves me with a shell of a man who is only half present.

The mental load has always been bad for me as I tend to take everything on, but he's literally forgetting things a minute after I've mentioned something, it's driving me mad. I will always remind him of family stuff, eg if DS needs his PE kit for school, but I have to remind him the night before, the morning of, and even when he's on his way out the door he still won't have the effing PE kit. Trying to remember to remind him about everything is killing me! I have a full time job too and I'm tired and losing my patience, which isn't fair as I know it's not his fault. He's a really kind and wonderful person and I am getting shoutier than I want to be.

I'm not sure what I want to get from posting this, maybe some solidarity from other ADHD spouses and any tips or coping mechanisms that others have found?

My dp has adhd and was diagnosed a few years ago. Gets on well with medication but as others have said the medication wasn’t the magical answer that you may hope for - it helps but doesn’t ‘fix’ everything.

For me acceptance that adhd can’t be ‘fixed’ has been the biggest help. Whilst I would love my partner to take on as much organising as me in reality this is really difficult for him and I have accepted there are some things he just isn’t best placed to do. Instead I focus on all the amazing things he does do and try and relax about the other stuff.

If I’m honest if a forgotten pe kit is the most he struggles with I think you are doing pretty well. My dp is very chaotic in the household, finances, emotions etc (.also manages a big job). I have to accept quite a lot of different approaches to life but his amazing qualities make it worthwhile (most of the time).

I also second delegating tasks. My dp has some distinct household/life tasks and I then leave those totally to him. They may not always get done in the way I would but that’s down to him to manage and I stay out of them.

Before I started looking into adhd we argued so much and I think my focus had always been how to try and manage him to be more neurotypical. But now I accept that our relationship may work different to others. We don’t split things 50/50, but instead play to our strengths. For example I have accepted that I will do all of the household admin and finances, which can feel like a lot. However this is balanced by my partner doing other tasks such as getting up every morning to do the kids breakfasts and I get a lay in! I will take admin any day for extra sleep - it’s swings and roundabouts.

Personally if he is struggling to remember things like PE kits I would take those on rather than spending loads of time trying to get him to take responsibility for remembering these type of things. But I would ensure that this is balanced out by him doing things in other areas that make my life easier.

I would guess if I am not around there would be a lot of forgotten PE kits! Annoying - yes, end of the world - no.

Life would probably be more chaotic and definitely wouldn’t be done how I would do it. But life would still go on in an adhd type fashion.

This. DP has ADHD and instantly forgets anything he’s told; visibly tunes out of conversations if there’s the slightest distraction - which can be anything from the bin lorry going by to the sun moving behind a cloud. He narrates everything he’s doing out loud (instead of just doing it) so I have zero daydream space, eg “right, so tonight I’m cooking X, so I’ll go to the shop and buy Y, so that tonight I can cook X, and when I’ve cooked X, I’ll do that other thing that I keep not doing but talking about.” Pause while he puts his shoes on. “Right, I’m going to the shop. Do we need anything for dinner?”

We have a meal plan on the fridge, a list of meals we could choose from should things go awry (forgetting to defrost something), the person’s name written next to the meal they’re cooking, a shared google calendar, phone reminders and yes, he’s medicated, but nothing actually makes a difference except my going on strike and refusing to be the office manager, social secretary, and remembering person.

Eg I used to be in charge of buying DD’s clothes because I claimed child benefit, but we don’t qualify for it anymore and since we’re both on parental leave but with unequal amounts of dare time (EBF baby), he said he’d do it. He ordered clothes to our old address, then a bunch of useless stuff, then the wrong sizes; he’s had to return things, call customer service, go to the shops anyway, has missed a dozen basic things (knickers, tights), the wrong sizes, etc. I AM NOT GETTING INVOLVED.

He manages at work because he creates systems that work for his brain; he manages certain household tasks because he does the same thing, whether it’s a regular phone reminder or changing the way the task is done (eg he never does the dishwasher at the end of the day for unloading the next morning, even though that makes the most sense to me and makes for a tidier life, imo - he does it at what looks to me like random, the kitchen is often messy, but he does do it). To a certain extent you have to make your peace with ADHD being the “price of admission” to having a relationship with him: the bad that you take with the good. Because medication helps but it doesn’t cure.

I let small things go - I will never have a tidy house with all the cupboard doors shut - but the not listening, and the wanting me to be the brains of the outfit that he can consult like I’m bloody Google, enrages me. I’m a writer and my job depends to a large extent on being able to daydream; it’s compromised by doing his share of the mental load. I don’t know what the answer is here. Probably not “stew on it constantly than explode in perimenopausal rage every so often.”

You’re not alone. It’s really hard. I’ve often thought of starting a similar thread.

@Opaljewel I got dumped because of my adhd symptoms. He was also borderline ocd but he just could not see what I was actually doing for him and only what I was struggling with. I used to do all the cooking, meal planning, shopping, I put a lot of effort into making sure his kids were happy so I'd get things in to do with them and because I cared so much about them I focused a lot of attention on making sure they were ok when they were over at the detriment to myself (for those concerned about kids they generally always get put top of the list), I'd also do all the big blitz cleans of the house.

He just couldn't get past the fact that I would for example forget to take the laundry out of the machine, left things in odd places, or that he'd ask me to call x place to arrange something and I'd forget etc. Because the stuff I did was less 'obvious' to him on a day to day basis it got totally dismissed.

Living alone now is so much easier and less soul destroying than living under those expectations.

Because they hyperfocus on the work, or the pace and pressure stimulates dopamine release. It’s usually mundane, repetitive tasks that people with ADHD struggle with due to lack of dopamine.

I’m the one with ADHD and I am very aware that others do take some of the mental load of organisation even though I am medicated. However, please don’t assume that we don’t stress about these things. We stress a lot internally but are paralysed to act, and suffer a lot of stress and shame over the things we forget.

Pre planning is the key you don’t have to do it alone a small amount of time doing prep work together will pay dividends.
Once the PE kit is sorted put the bag right beside the front door so he has to almost step over it. Or anything else that might get forgotten, we have space for a big plastic tub at the door and everything needed is put in there the night before and he just needs to collect everything from the box in the morning
A low tech solution for the rest such as a packed lunch in the fridge is a whiteboard beside the front door.
HAVE YOU GOT
Then a list underneath

Don’t leave sorting stuff til the morning the stress of rushing makes the ADHD worse.
Phone alerts at other times to remind him of stuff that needs doing.

I find that putting things into the car the night before helps me. Visual aids too such as message boards are also a great help.
As for being able to focus at work and not at home , that comes down to hyperfocus and the fact that there are deadlines at work. I can often hyperfocus on tasks at home but will then forget to eat or drink. The other issue with this is that I often get home and I am worn out so unless there is something easy to make for dinner I just don't eat. . Both of my adult sons have ADHD too so I have often had to be the one to put into place things that help us all , such as when they were younger we had a chest of draws by the front door that contained hats, scarfs and gloves in the top draw then each son had a draw for their shoes. This would mean that they would take shoes off at the door and put them into the drawers before going for snacks.
BTW snacks have always been something that we all seek out after a day at work or school - its for the dopamine fix after a day of having to act neurotypical , dopamine is often depleted by then.
I find that getting outside whenever I can helps me , fresh air and sunshine help me focus so I sit outside during my lunch break whenever I can.
Take a look at the website https://www.additudemag.com/tag/late-diagnosis/
there is a lot of useful info on there for both you and DH

I do not think it is that surprising that men with ADHD can hold it together at work but fall apart at home. If they fail to do their work, they get fired, the family has no money, you lose the house, etc. If they forget to take Little Bobby's PE kit to school the teacher emails to say, "Little Bobby didn't bring his PE kit. Please remember that PE is every Tuesday. Thanks."

By the same token, at work, things are structured. You have document A which is due by noon. You drop everything and work on A. At home, you have to remember to take the PE kit when you drop Bobby to school. Then there's a little break where you can do other stuff. Then you have to remember when you pick up Bobby, did he bring his PE kit home? Then there's a little break where you're driving. Then when you get home you have to remember to bring it in from the car. Then you have to remember to put it in the laundry. Home chores are what I call "bitty." There are lots of very tiny chores, and many chores can only be done in small bits, but if you forget to finish the last bit, the chore isn't done and is useless, you have to start all over. For a person with ADHD, that is a LOT of remembering.

There is a lot of ADHD in my family and there is only so much the person can do to improve performance. My take on this is that there are things you have to let go. Other things are critical and those are the things you focus on. Did Bobby get dropped to school on time? No? Ok you bring down the Voice of Mum on dh. Did Bobby take his PE kit with him? No? Well, we can work on that.

Lots of ADHD coping is about techniques and strategies. Here is how I deal with the PE kit situation: (1) put PE Kit by the front door the night before PE. Preferably, in front of the front door, so you can't open the door without moving the PE kit. Or, put it in a plastic bag and tie the bag to the child's backpack. (2) put a big sign on the front door saying, "Take PE kit to school for Bobby TUESDAY. Here's the key: the sign must cover the crack between the door and the frame. If you just post it on the middle of the door they won't see it. It must flap when they open the door, to draw their attention. As often as possible, prep like this when things are "quiet" so that when things are busy, the tasks are simplified and automatic.

To free up time and attention to do this, and to take off some of your own load, give your dh things to do that are routine and mindless. Loading and unloading dishwasher, or hand-washing dishes if you don't have a dishwasher. Making beds. Folding laundry. Vacuuming. This frees you up to do oversight and organization. Yes, it's super annoying. But it protects the kids. Bear in mind also ADHD is highly heritable, so doing this is part of teaching your children strategies for themselves too. My dh is reasonably good at acknowledging he has a terrible memory and helping strategize to ensure if he is responsible for a task with the kids that he does it properly. There are a few areas he appears totally unable to cope and those are a source of conflict for us. I always try to keep the conflict in terms of: is this a truly necessary task or can we do without it; what can you control that you chose not to control; and how can we modify the plan so that you do the necessary thing in a way that is compatible with your own brain. Criticizing someone for something they can't control is problematic, and again, remember your kids are listening. But sometimes the person is literally not measuring up to minimum standards of care and that's when I use my Mum Privilege to say, This Must Be Done.

I do not think it is that surprising that men with ADHD can hold it together at work but fall apart at home. If they fail to do their work, they get fired, the family has no money, you lose the house, etc. If they forget to take Little Bobby's PE kit to school the teacher emails to say, "Little Bobby didn't bring his PE kit. Please remember that PE is every Tuesday. Thanks."

Are you suggesting only men with ADHD work? How strange. I'm in a network of women with ADHD and most of us work and some are single parents. Forgetting a PE kit is not the end of the world by any means but if its constant its embarrassing for the child let's be honest. But sure man earns money, woman does stuff of little consequence at home. The reality is most women have to find methods of coping, ways to make it work, ways to manage it.

To free up time and attention to do this, and to take off some of your own load, give your dh things to do that are routine and mindless. Loading and unloading dishwasher, or hand-washing dishes if you don't have a dishwasher. Making beds. Folding laundry. Vacuuming. This frees you up to do oversight and organization

If only this worked... DH will unload a dishwasher full of dirty dishes and not notice they aren't clean
It's very hard as routine and mindless = no dopamine.
High stakes, deadlines = procrastinate to nth degree, and either a mad rush or pay a penalty.
Occasional jobs like cutting the hedge = can't make himself start. Either I force him and he resents me (until its done, then he concedes that it was necessary), or I just do it and he feels ashamed.

I'm the same. Been married for 23 years. It's exhausting. I even lined him ups different job because I couldn't cope with him being stressed out.

I can't offer help just comfort that you are not alone.

Yep. DP will start emptying the clean dishwasher while also making dinner and watching something on his iPad and putting dirty stuff in the dishwasher. So then you get a mixed load in the dishwasher, clean and dirty. A counter covered in dinner prep and clean stuff getting spattered in cooking stuff. Then he’ll get distracted halfway through and to the bin but not put a new bag in. The only thing that gets done is watching his programme

I don’t think that’s being suggested at all. I think the pp is responding to the person who asked why men seem to cope at wirk and not with household tasks. I’m a woman with adhd and I don’t manage to remember PE kits, reading folders etc. It’s not that it isn’t important, it’s that the consequences of forgetting aren’t severe or life changing - an important deadline and pressure creates biochemical changes that enable people with adhd to focus.

Lists and reminders where they can be seen.

So if the issue is remembering packed lunch and PE kit on a Monday morning put a list on the back of the front door. Some people do better with pictures than words so if that's the case use pictures. If not words will do. Make it clear and simple and uncluttered. You could also have another list on the fridge or by the kettle or the bathroom mirror. Anywhere that works for to provide that constant reminder so you don't feel like you have to constantly do it.

The key with adhd strategies is taking the executive functioning out of the head. You can't hold anything in your head so put it outside. Use lists, alarms, reminders etc etc. and it had to be very visible. If it can't be seen it doesn't exist if you have ADHD!

Alexa is also a good call. Loud verbal reminders. As many as possible. For instance I put three reminders for every important appointment I have as you can forget a reminder 2 minutes after you've heard it!

Jobs do take it out of you. I am also unmedicated as I have physical health conditions that mean I can't take ADHD meds at the moment. I work but can only manage 3 days. I do shed loads of overtime due to not being able to concentrate, getting distracted with other tasks etc etc etc. I also mask at work. It's all really exhausting and stressful so I understand where your DH is coming from in that regard. It does leave not a lot of energy for anything else.

A really really good book for ADHD strategies is this one:

Organizing Solutions for People With ADHD: Tips and Tools to Help You Take Charge of Your Life and Get Organized amzn.eu/d/3VGgleJ

Loads of great ideas and tips you can apply the principles of to different things. It was eye opening for me. Tips such as Don't completely fill a shelf or drawer or you won't have anywhere to put things away! Revelation to me but possibly not to NTs!! My DH was bemused when I said wow listen to this nugget! 😂

Other tips that have been life-changing are to have things where you will use them. So for instance don't keep detergent in a cupboard in the hall, put it by the washing machine. If you something in two places (eg cleaning products) get two of them. So I know have cleaning products and cloths in both the bathroom and the kitchen and he garage as that's where they are used (we have a fridge and washing machine in the garage). People with ADHD will struggle to motivate themselves to do things and stay on task of their are any barriers or extra tasks involved. For example, if I need to wipe out the fridge in the garage, if I need to get cleaning products from the kitchen that feels like a barrier so makes it harder for me to get started. It also runs a risk of me getting distracted on the way to the kitchen, in the kitchen or on the way back.

Right I'll stop now! Hope some of that's helpful and reduces the stress of having an ADHD partner! If it helps I annoy myself with the constant inability to do straightforward things and it's super stressful so I am sure your DH feels some of your stress too! Good luck! 😀

I love all of this except the "give your dh things to do that are routine and mindless." I completely understand why you've said this (ie removing the organisational aspects from his tasks) but that phrase alone makes me want to claw my eyes out! People with ADHD do not do well with routine or mindless activities.

As such I do the jobs in our house that don't require them to be done routinely/consistently. For example. I do the washing because if I can't motivate it can be left a few days and no one will die. My DH does the cooking as that is routine (and I don't enjoy cooking) and needs to be done daily. It does however mean that there are baskets of laundry everywhere most of the time. So swings and roundabouts with that one. My DH also does the boring repetitive tasks as he seems to have an unbelievable ability (in my eyes) to do these for hours and hours. I can't manage 5 minutes! Weeding the patio is a great example of this.

ADHD brains are switched on by interest, novelty, or deadline. So tasks that play into these are more likely to get done.

I am quite (very) interested in spreadsheets, for example, so I do all the finances (not sensible for everyone with ADHD as some of us can't manage finances at all but it works for me) as I quite enjoy it. Again it also doesn't need to be done everyday so I can pick it up as and when my interest piques!

So that's how we try to divide things up at home. I have to say though I do use a LOT of strategies myself to keep me on task. They are very very far from perfect but I rarely drop a big ball. And don't drop too many small ones. So I can do things like manage the finances and pay for our insurance on time etc etc because I have so many strategies and reminders etc etc especially for the big things. Certain tasks like that may not be suitable for an ADHDer who has developed fewer strategies or who has more severe ADHD.

"It's very hard as routine and mindless = no dopamine."

Right, but the goal is to bring the task from something he's not capable of doing, to something that is (even if difficult) within his capability. Unloading the dishwasher is not a rush task that must be done on the way out the door. It's something you can do any time you have 5 free minutes. It changes the stakes from [judging someone for having a different brain] to [laziness and selfishness.] Just because something is boring does not mean that you don't have to do it. By contrast, remembering PE Kit is something that a person might literally be unable to do because it requires remembering to do one task while performing another task.

My kid who has severe ADHD is able to unload the dishwasher on the same rota as the other kids.

Now if you have a husband who won't remember the PE Kit AND ALSO won't do any of the routine tasks then that's a different problem.

I Wonder if an Apple Watch would help? Reminders in the phone - with a message - have been my lifesaver. They would ping up on the Apple Watch too
The Alex’s is a great idea.
As are reoccurring events on the phone - I have a class every week at the same time reoccurring. I just know not to go in the kids holiday time.
Also doind things the night before eg Pe kit and then leaving them in a way that they can’t be ignored - eg in front of door, on drivers car seat.
Im also a fan of notes on kettles or on the kitchen table to remember things - then I see it first thing

This in spades. My ex partner used to make me feel terrible about forgetting to do the 'bitty' tasks, forgetting things he'd said or where I'd left my keys etc. It was so hurtful to me because I literally cannot help some of the things I do - my brain just does not work like a NT brain. For example he put up a hook for me to hang my keys, so I wouldn't lose them. All that happened was that when I came in, I forgot to put them on the hook. I'd mean to, but get distracted by a stone in my shoe. Put them down on the microwave to get it out, and by the time I stood up I'd forgotten I'd put them down. This infuriated him and made me feel so stupid and ashamed.

Some things you have to let go of and accept. As long as he is doing everything he can possibly do to manage it, you may just have to pick your battles

ADHD brains are switched on by interest, novelty, or deadline. So tasks that play into these are more likely to get done.
Neurotypical brains are too: I’d wager most people would like interest and novelty and aren’t switched on by boring, everyday household shit but it still has to be done and it shouldn’t all land on OP.

Would you do the same tough love for other disabilities? Someone in a wheelchair have to work out how to do something without a ramp?

Wow, the ableism on the thread is enormous!

Adhd is a neurological condition. The brain works in an entirely different way. You cannot just keep reminding people and think it will work.

Executive function is something the people with adhd struggle with, even for things they love doing.

There are adhd coaches that can help, from a worlk perspective you can get funding from access to work.

I love all of this except the "give your dh things to do that are routine and mindless." I completely understand why you've said this (ie removing the organisational aspects from his tasks) but that phrase alone makes me want to claw my eyes out! People with ADHD do not do well with routine or mindless activities.

No, I understand and totally agree. But if they also don't do well with urgent and more complex tasks then they will have to do the routine ones because you will not allow them to palm off ALL the boring stuff onto someone else.

I can mean to do something and then forget to do it again within 30 seconds if something else grabs my attention. A NT person is deciding not to do something because it's boring - the task just doesn't exist anymore to the person with ADHD. It has ceased to exist in their working memory. There is no permanence.

As a PP has said, OP trying to hammer this home over and over again is not going to change how her husband's brain functions. Neither is digging her heels in and not completing the tasks. He cannot help being this way and punishment won't change it - it will only make him ashamed. OP ultimately has to either decide if she can live with him doing whatever he can (and I mean literally everything in his power), do more to help him remember (eg. Leaving PE kit by the door), or leave. It is really difficult to understand/cope with and I sympathize with her

I would say something in between those two things. I don't think either solution quite works. If you just accommodate for him with no participation on his part, then that is not fair to you. If you leave him, then he will still continue to forget the PE Kit whenever he has the kids. Leaving him is your decision regardless but I suppose I favor a third way which is just troubleshooting the problem iteratively. He should participate in this (i.e. take the lead) because he is an adult. If he were your child it would be different, you would have to teach him how to troubleshoot these things. But, he's a grown man, it's his responsibility to deal with his own stuff.

I suppose what I would change is instead of just being frustrated by it, think positively about it. For me and my dh, we are both pretty sure we have ADHD, but we both have good strategies and we are forgiving of each other because we both understand what it's like. So when we make an error, we sit down together and talk it through NONJUDGEMENTALLY, essentially doing a root cause analysis. Then we develop a strategy to prevent a repeat of the error. Test it out, evaluate how that strategy worked, repeat as needed. Blaming and frustration, even if justified, will just inhibit that process. But don't let him get away with leaving all the drudgery to you, just approach it as positively as you can manage.

Remember also that childrearing is about 20 years per child. It won't always be like this. My dh was, well, frankly useless, when my kids were little. Now he does all the early risings for school, has total responsibility for pickups for certain activities, and cooks dinner a lot. I don't even know what my children's morning routine is any more - when he had to go out of town for a conference he had to write it down on a sheet of paper for me. It's like a total reversal of roles AND IT'S GREAT!!!!! (I'm not gonna say I didn't feel a little smug when he realized he's been doing all the getting-them-ready in the mornings; although, they're teenagers, it basically means banging on their doors to wake them up, and making sure they fill their water bottles and don't miss their rides, but it's before 6 am, so I'm glad I'm not doing it!).