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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has ADHD and I'm struggling

150 replies

TheRamblingRose · 29/03/2023 21:07

So I'm just looking for some advice from anyone who has a partner with ADHD.

My husband has always been 'scatty' but after a few things last year he finally got assessed and diagnosed with ADHD. He tried the meds but didn't get on with them.

He's done really well at work despite his ADHD challenges, but he has a big job which he loves (for a charity) and sometimes I really feel like it takes the best of him, and particularly when he's stressed out, leaves me with a shell of a man who is only half present.

The mental load has always been bad for me as I tend to take everything on, but he's literally forgetting things a minute after I've mentioned something, it's driving me mad. I will always remind him of family stuff, eg if DS needs his PE kit for school, but I have to remind him the night before, the morning of, and even when he's on his way out the door he still won't have the effing PE kit. Trying to remember to remind him about everything is killing me! I have a full time job too and I'm tired and losing my patience, which isn't fair as I know it's not his fault. He's a really kind and wonderful person and I am getting shoutier than I want to be.

I'm not sure what I want to get from posting this, maybe some solidarity from other ADHD spouses and any tips or coping mechanisms that others have found?

OP posts:
anythinginapinch · 30/03/2023 19:37

bussteward · 30/03/2023 18:52

ADHD brains are switched on by interest, novelty, or deadline. So tasks that play into these are more likely to get done.
Neurotypical brains are too: I’d wager most people would like interest and novelty and aren’t switched on by boring, everyday household shit but it still has to be done and it shouldn’t all land on OP.

Please do your research. The whole point of ADHD is it is beyond, way way beyond, typicality. Yes a person with one leg has a leg, like a biped has a leg - both have the experience of "legs". But what the one legged person can do is TOTALLY different.
Yes you experience boredom. But not like I do - I want to die, destroy things, lie on the floor and rip my hair out, at the prospect of say marking exam papers. I can mark them, I'm an outstanding marker. But give me ten to do and I'm in melt down. It's a DISABILITY not an exaggeration of normality.

TorviShieldMaiden · 30/03/2023 20:18

anythinginapinch · 30/03/2023 19:37

Please do your research. The whole point of ADHD is it is beyond, way way beyond, typicality. Yes a person with one leg has a leg, like a biped has a leg - both have the experience of "legs". But what the one legged person can do is TOTALLY different.
Yes you experience boredom. But not like I do - I want to die, destroy things, lie on the floor and rip my hair out, at the prospect of say marking exam papers. I can mark them, I'm an outstanding marker. But give me ten to do and I'm in melt down. It's a DISABILITY not an exaggeration of normality.

Exactly. I physically harm myself if I don’t have a fiddle toy example. I can’t stop myself even if it hurts.

CummaCummaChameleon · 30/03/2023 20:45

*I can mean to do something and then forget to do it again within 30 seconds if something else grabs my attention. A NT person is deciding not to do something because it's boring - the task just doesn't exist anymore to the person with ADHD. It has ceased to exist in their working memory. There is no permanence.

As a PP has said, OP trying to hammer this home over and over again is not going to change how her husband's brain functions. Neither is digging her heels in and not completing the tasks. He cannot help being this way and punishment won't change it - it will only make him ashamed.*

I completely agree with this. As someone who suffered with undiagnosed ADHD for 40 years, I was made to feel stupid and worthless by my husband. He constantly gets frustrated and puts me down for things I literally have no control over. Essentially I'm punished for being me 😔

I'll write things down on a list, but then forget completely that the list exists. I once went into the corner shop 3 (THREE!) times within 30 minutes because I forgot what I actually went in there for. (I was making a recipe that called for an ingredient I didn't have, so needed to pop to the shop a few doors down. Only to realise when I got back home I forgot what I'd actually gone in there for in the first place because I kept getting distracted and buying other bits each time I went in!!!)

I have to admit I found this thread somewhat hard to read because people (like my husband along with many on here) don't believe adhd exists or don't understand it and the they we can just 'try harder'. Imagine how depressing it is when you go through your entire life trying your hardest to achieve what everyone around you achieves with what seems like minimal effort. But there you are, trying your hardest, taking 3-4 times as long as someone else to get the job done all while being told just try harder. Except no matter how hard you try, it's never good enough. It's soul destroying. I will never ever be good enough in my husbands eyes. And because of this I stick with him in a verbally and emotionally negative relationship believing I'm worthless and that if I did ever leave him no one else would put up with my faults like he has. Imagine feeling lucky to be living with someone who knows you're useless and feeling relieved you don't have to put another person through the pain of living with you.

Someone once likened having ADHD similar to someone with terrible eyesight. You wouldn't put down someone who's almost blind because they can't see and do many normal tasks that everyone else can do. Give that almost blind person their glasses and suddenly they can do things!! Take their glasses away and they can't do those things anymore. That is what taking ADHD medication is like for me. It's like putting on a pair of glasses so I can 'see the tasks'. But once the meds wear off the glasses are gone again.

CummaCummaChameleon · 30/03/2023 20:46

CummaCummaChameleon · 30/03/2023 20:45

*I can mean to do something and then forget to do it again within 30 seconds if something else grabs my attention. A NT person is deciding not to do something because it's boring - the task just doesn't exist anymore to the person with ADHD. It has ceased to exist in their working memory. There is no permanence.

As a PP has said, OP trying to hammer this home over and over again is not going to change how her husband's brain functions. Neither is digging her heels in and not completing the tasks. He cannot help being this way and punishment won't change it - it will only make him ashamed.*

I completely agree with this. As someone who suffered with undiagnosed ADHD for 40 years, I was made to feel stupid and worthless by my husband. He constantly gets frustrated and puts me down for things I literally have no control over. Essentially I'm punished for being me 😔

I'll write things down on a list, but then forget completely that the list exists. I once went into the corner shop 3 (THREE!) times within 30 minutes because I forgot what I actually went in there for. (I was making a recipe that called for an ingredient I didn't have, so needed to pop to the shop a few doors down. Only to realise when I got back home I forgot what I'd actually gone in there for in the first place because I kept getting distracted and buying other bits each time I went in!!!)

I have to admit I found this thread somewhat hard to read because people (like my husband along with many on here) don't believe adhd exists or don't understand it and the they we can just 'try harder'. Imagine how depressing it is when you go through your entire life trying your hardest to achieve what everyone around you achieves with what seems like minimal effort. But there you are, trying your hardest, taking 3-4 times as long as someone else to get the job done all while being told just try harder. Except no matter how hard you try, it's never good enough. It's soul destroying. I will never ever be good enough in my husbands eyes. And because of this I stick with him in a verbally and emotionally negative relationship believing I'm worthless and that if I did ever leave him no one else would put up with my faults like he has. Imagine feeling lucky to be living with someone who knows you're useless and feeling relieved you don't have to put another person through the pain of living with you.

Someone once likened having ADHD similar to someone with terrible eyesight. You wouldn't put down someone who's almost blind because they can't see and do many normal tasks that everyone else can do. Give that almost blind person their glasses and suddenly they can do things!! Take their glasses away and they can't do those things anymore. That is what taking ADHD medication is like for me. It's like putting on a pair of glasses so I can 'see the tasks'. But once the meds wear off the glasses are gone again.

**first 2 paragraphs were meant to be bold as they were a partial quote, but the bold didn't work Confused

InattentiveADHD · 30/03/2023 20:56

aloris · 30/03/2023 18:45

"It's very hard as routine and mindless = no dopamine."

Right, but the goal is to bring the task from something he's not capable of doing, to something that is (even if difficult) within his capability. Unloading the dishwasher is not a rush task that must be done on the way out the door. It's something you can do any time you have 5 free minutes. It changes the stakes from [judging someone for having a different brain] to [laziness and selfishness.] Just because something is boring does not mean that you don't have to do it. By contrast, remembering PE Kit is something that a person might literally be unable to do because it requires remembering to do one task while performing another task.

My kid who has severe ADHD is able to unload the dishwasher on the same rota as the other kids.

Now if you have a husband who won't remember the PE Kit AND ALSO won't do any of the routine tasks then that's a different problem.

I dint think you can minimise the impact of low dopamine. I came across a really interesting study that I've shared on here before. It's not a very nice study that involves animal testing so don't read in if that will upset you!

Basically the study involved removing the dopamine from the brains of rats. They then starved the rats for a while and then placed some food on the other side of their cage. And the starved rats couldn't be bothered to get up and get the food even though they were starving. Although it's grim I think it's a really good analogy of why people with ADHD find it so difficult to get started on things even if they want to do them. Now think about how hard it would be if the task is something you don't want to do or isn't engaging. It becomes almost impossible. It feels like you are being asked to climb Mount Everest. And we are constantly fighting against this lack of dopamine which is exhausting so it's not just one thing we need to make an effort with, it's the millions of little tasks you have to do to get through your day from getting up, to getting washed and dressed, to leaving the house etc etc etc. so trying to do a boring task (which as another poster has said I get an extremely strong visceral reaction to - it's not just a bit dull, I feel like I want to self-harm or scream, it feels unbearable).

The condition does vary so some days are easier than others and I have more motivation. But on most days I feel like I am wading through mud and have to fight feeling "stuck" almost constantly. When my brain fires up because of interest, novelty or urgency, it's like a light comes on and suddenly I am just going, and my brain is working and I am doing without thinking or fighting.

Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert said something along the lines of "a person with ADHD knows what needs to be done, they just can't do it". They struggle to transform intention into action. I think this is one of the most difficult aspects of ADHD for an NT to understand. And I get why! It sounds ridiculous and looks like laziness or selfishness - just get up and do it! Hopefully the rat experiment gives a little bit of insight into what's actually going on.

There's no easy answer to ADHD. Not having a very good "brain manager" literally affects everything you do. But you can't just discount some of the impact because it doesn't suit your strategy. (Well you can as you can do what you like 😀 but hopefully you get my drift!).

TheRamblingRose · 30/03/2023 20:58

Thank you everyone for all your replies. Sat down with DH today for a positive talk about what we can do to move forwards. Contrary to what some have said he is actually trying and gets very anxious about all of this, and he also totally agreed we don't have much in place to help us and that needs to change. We're trialing a more distinct split of household responsibilities, so he doesn't have to remember what needs doing at any time, he knows what his jobs are. And he loved the weekly whiteboard idea too so we can do that together. We also got the kids bags for tomorrow ready tonight so hopefully that will help if we can make a habit of it.

Your replies have really helped me understand the ADHD brain a bit more and I'm moving forwards with a bit more compassion and positivity.

OP posts:
InattentiveADHD · 30/03/2023 21:01

@CummaCummaChameleon

" But there you are, trying your hardest, taking 3-4 times as long as someone else to get the job done all while being told just try harder. Except no matter how hard you try, it's never good enough. "

I get you. Completely. I was up until 3am this morning finishing a presentation. Having worked since most of the afternoon before on it on my day off. I think I spent at least 3-4 times the time on it that an NT would spend on the same task (partly because I have word and fact recall issues so can't just "talk around" a slide I have to write it all out) and obviously the distraction and motivation issues so just everything takes me longer. Partly as well because it took me a whole day just to update my to do list this week because anything to do with organisation takes me forever. But apparently I'm lazy and should just try harder. 🤷‍♀️

Triantha · 30/03/2023 21:04

I am exactly the same with my DH - he does the cooking and washing up and puts out the recyclingm, I do the bathroom/shower cleaning and any "big sort outs" because he is fine if he knows where something goes but really struggles with finding places for things to go or deciding to throw them out. I also do all of the DIY/Painting/buying and upcycling furniture, mend all the clothes and buy or make most of the gifts for family birthdays.

So while I'm less able to concentrate on the grinding repetitive daily tasks, I'm good at the "sometimes" tasks. These come along infrequently enough (once a week or less) that they have at least a little novelty. I like to think that being neurodivergent gives you a different profile of skills to neurotypical folks, rather than that we are "less functional".

InattentiveADHD · 30/03/2023 21:04

TheRamblingRose · 30/03/2023 20:58

Thank you everyone for all your replies. Sat down with DH today for a positive talk about what we can do to move forwards. Contrary to what some have said he is actually trying and gets very anxious about all of this, and he also totally agreed we don't have much in place to help us and that needs to change. We're trialing a more distinct split of household responsibilities, so he doesn't have to remember what needs doing at any time, he knows what his jobs are. And he loved the weekly whiteboard idea too so we can do that together. We also got the kids bags for tomorrow ready tonight so hopefully that will help if we can make a habit of it.

Your replies have really helped me understand the ADHD brain a bit more and I'm moving forwards with a bit more compassion and positivity.

What a lovely positive post. Feeling your DH's anxiety! Tell him he's not alone!! Hope you can both find a way forward that works better for you both. Good luck!🤞🤞🤞

InattentiveADHD · 30/03/2023 21:26

bussteward · 30/03/2023 18:52

ADHD brains are switched on by interest, novelty, or deadline. So tasks that play into these are more likely to get done.
Neurotypical brains are too: I’d wager most people would like interest and novelty and aren’t switched on by boring, everyday household shit but it still has to be done and it shouldn’t all land on OP.

I think you've completely misunderstood what I mean by "switched on". When they aren't switched on it's like they are not functioning properly. You struggle to think and take any action. Boredom can also feel overwhelming, not a minor irritation. By "switched on" I don't mean fired up and excited, I mean the opposite of "off".

I have had lots of discussions about this point with my NT husband and our experiences of this are completely different. If he has a list of jobs to do he just does them. The vast majority of the time (he gets the odd off-day like most people) he gets on with a job in order of importance regardless of the nature of that job. He doesn't really procrastinate and he can start and complete a boring job if he needs to without too much effort. He obviously would prefer to do something fun or interesting but he can choose to do boring if he needs to. My experience is completely different to that. I flit from job to job not finishing them. I get distracted from jobs on my list by other jobs or projects or just by things that grab my interest. Importance doesn't drive me at all (unless it's urgent). I also will get "stuck" multiple times a day where I can't do or start anything at all. Whether it's something I want to do or not. Boring, repetitive tasks even harder to start and maintain as the motivation to do these is obviously lower than things I want to do; they also make me I feel like I want to gouge my eyes out! Short tasks are more doable than long ones and sometimes doing something while I do them helps (such as listening to music or a podcast) but not always partly because I get bored of listening to music or podcasts too!

I do get that this is really hard for NTs to understand. I see why. As I said before it does sound ridiculous! But it's not laziness or selfishness. It's a neuro-developmental disorder that means our brain managers don't work very well meaning everyday things become really challenging.

Have a read of my rat experiment in my other post. That might help it make more sense!

BertieBotts · 30/03/2023 23:36

The whole brain switched on by Novelty, Interest, Challenge, Urgency thing is an oversimplified explanation for what dopamine does. It came originally from Dr. William Dodson, this is the article where he first talked about it and it then went viral from there, because a lot of people on ADHD social media related heavily to it:
https://www.additudemag.com/secrets-of-the-adhd-brain/

In this article he argues that neurotypical people are motivated by something being important (to the person), secondly by something being important (to someone who is important to the person) and finally by rewards and consequences, whereas people with ADHD are not motivated in this order at all, they are motivated by "ICNU" (which is the four things I mentioned above, I just find NICU easier to remember).

Honestly I think this is kind of an annoying explanation, because it's not really complete on either side. Neurotypical people aren't going about life purely being motivated by importance like some kind of perfectly efficient computer-robot people, even if they tend to take ADHD people's lack of motivation as a lack of thinking something is important. Neurotypical people are also excited by things which are novel, urgent, challenging etc, it's not like some really unusual motivation factor that only ADHD people have. ADHD is also motivated by reward and punishment, in fact possibly more so than most people, just the distance of the reward/punishment is more exaggerated - think of the marshmallow test. It reads more like pop psychology to me than a proper explanation for what is going on, and I dislike ADHD analogies that basically suggest "normal people find life totally easy and never have any problems". Because it's just not true, it leads people to go "Oh maybe I have ADHD because I also find it hard to be the person I want to be!" and it leads ADHD people to be resentful and assume that it's impossible to ever have any kind of level of functioning.

Dopamine deficiency has been discussed, dopamine is essentially "the motivation hormone", and we secrete it in response to things like completed tasks. In neurotypical people that builds a reward network where they know that completing tasks = sense of satisfaction and that enables motivation towards tasks even though those tasks may be boring or unstimulating in themselves. But people with ADHD do not get this response, partially we think because the dopamine is not produced in the correct amounts (like how some forms of depression are caused by insufficient production of serotonin, and SSRI antidepressants prevent the reuptake of serotonin, allowing it to stick around and do its job longer) and partially because performing tasks with ADHD uses up so much energy and brainpower (due to other neurotransmitter deficiencies) that often even when someone with ADHD achieves something massive, we don't feel a sense of elation and satisfaction, we just feel relieved. And then also people with ADHD often struggle to actually complete tasks fully, which is another reason that we don't get that kind of brain-training loop of complete boring task > get reward squirt of dopamine.

I'm losing track here. I need to go to bed. But essentially, what's happening is that interesting/novel things are causing you to secrete dopamine, which is why they are motivating (to everyone) - with the difference being that NT people expect to get dopamine from doing "important" things, plus have the ability to hold that important task in working memory for long enough to formulate a plan as to how to execute it, sometimes almost unconsciously. ADHD people struggle with executive function and therefore cannot hold as many items in working memory, and are less likely to be able to formulate a plan to do them without actively sitting down to do that e.g. with pen and paper.

Urgent things cause us to secrete adrenaline, which fits into noradrenaline (norepephrine) receptors and that's the other neurotransmitter that ADHD brains are short on and it helps with executive functions. You can use adrenaline as a noradrenaline substitute but not for very long because it's short acting and because it will give you an anxiety disorder if you keep relying on it all the time.

I have no clue where he's coming from with the challenging one because I don't experience that. If something is too challenging I tend to give up very quickly, I have very poor stamina or tolerance for frustration, and this is also common with ADHD.

Anyway if you want proper explanations for how ADHD brains are processing something in comparison to a neurotypical brain, listen to Russell Barkley.

Drawing of the brain of someone with ADHD and anxiety

Secrets of Your ADHD Brain

Most people are neurologically equipped to determine what's important and get motivated to do it, even when it doesn't interest them. Then there are the rest of us, who have attention deficit — ADHD or ADD — and the brain that goes along with it.

https://www.additudemag.com/secrets-of-the-adhd-brain

ADHDat43 · 31/03/2023 11:34

OP did you talk to him about booking another session with his psychiatrist to discuss trialling different medications?

wednesdaynamesep · 31/03/2023 12:23

This thread has me in tears. My DH is like this but no diagnosis. I am exhausted, depressed and suffocated by it. I have to remember everything. When I remind him, I have to remind him a minimum of four times. Sometimes when I speak to him he ignores me completely- I have to repeatedly say 'Are you listening to me?' It feels so rude.

I suspect ADHD and asked him to get checked out. He refused. Just says he is stressed at work.

It came to a head a few weeks ago when we had guests coming. I was tidying one end of the house, he was walking to the kitchen, and I asked him to switch the oven on so I could be sure the baking I needed to do would be ready in time. Of course he forgot - literally 1 min after saying he would. Which meant I'd spent time tidying and trying to also coordinate him and the kids, guests were coming, and my pudding would not be ready.

All I said to him very calmly was 'We need to talk tonight, I can't live like this'. I can't rely on him for anything. Not a thing. His response was to accuse me of being a bully. Of constantly nagging him. Something broke in me and I don't think it can be fixed. My DH is a good father, a nice guy, and my friend ... but I don't think I want to live with him anymore.

He does not have a diagnosis so I don't know if he has a disability or if he's just doesn't respect me or doesn't see me as a priority.

To those angered by the "ableism" - where do you draw the line? I am so beaten down. I'm so overwhelmed by having to cope with EVERYTHING that I can't progress my own life. My children are old enough for me to start my own business - which requires him stepping up - but I can't because I'm full time the mental load bearer and cleaner. I also have NO support from my DH in planning a business or working things through. So I feel resentful and lonely .

Even suspecting adhd, and recognising it is possibly not his fault, doesn't help. The prospect of being 60 and looking back on decades of nothing to show for my life except relentless housework childcare and chivvying him makes me want to weep.

This line just finished me off ADHD brains are switched on by interest, novelty, or deadline. I suspected this. He does nothing unless he wants to do it or it's a priority to HIM. This makes him look like a self-centred dick. Does this mean I have to accept my fate is to live in either chaos or constant mindless drudgery? And if I object I'm 'ableist'? God I feel trapped.

Addiction is a disease, not the addicts fault either, but I don't think I could live with an addict. There's a clear social understanding there that addiction destroys lives - not just the addicts life. If this is adhd, then it's destroying MY life and MY mental health. It's also setting seriously bad examples for my children who think it's the woman's job to clean, tidy etc. I can't yet see myself leaving my DH, but there's definitely a part of me that thinks I wish I could have seen this before marrying him.

Triantha · 31/03/2023 13:22

@wednesdaynamesep It sounds like you're in a very stressful situation, and of course nobody would expect you to just put up with it.

The difference here is that OP's husband is truly trying, and they haven't yet worked out the right way to deal with his ADHD - she mentioned that he is upset at the thought that he's stressing her out. They are able to sit down and have a conversation about things calmly and discuss what needs to be done. OP's DH knows there is a problem but hasn't yet figured out how to solve it.

In your situation it seems like your DH will not accept there is a problem in the first place. This is the bigger problem than the potential ADHD - he accused you of "nagging" when you were asking for his help and telling him you're at breaking point.

As someone with executive function problems I've been on the recieving end of that conversation and it's so tempting to get defensive. Calmly describing what's happening and how it makes you feel is the strategy that worked for us. For example, my DH saying "the mess from your sewing project makes me feel really stressed, I know you're working on it slowly but I need to you to put it away in between sessions." We figured out a system where the sewing would sit out for two days max so I knew when it was acceptable for it to be there or not (I'm possibly on the spectrum so I need to know the rules unfortunately lol).

This wasn't ableist in the slightest. He recognises my need to do a creative thing and make a mess sometimes and I recognise his need to know when it will be tidied away. This mutual respect is the important thing. Give him a chance to explain how he feels as well when he is given a task - whether certain things are hard or easy or if he just doesn't like doing them. I don't like cleaning the toilet but I'll do it! Whereas doing the washing up every day would make me feel extremely depressed. For some reason the every day tasks are way worse. Having a rota to take it in turns may help with those jobs.

Explain that you've been wanting to start a business. That it's something you've always wanted to do, and you need his help. If he respects you he will want that for you! Then get into the nitty gritty of what will help you free up particular slots of time for you to work on the business.

Good luck, I hope he's receptive to listening to you.

justasking111 · 31/03/2023 13:35

@wednesdaynamesep does he have any strengths to balance the scales?

justasking111 · 31/03/2023 13:42

I've just spent an hour in the office with my Duracell bunny OH only because he has a stinking cold.

I've been trying to access his online share company for him getting absolutely nowhere for a couple of months. His dividend money is there he just couldn't access it because he'd forgotten sign in details. I said you have to bloody sit here with me and give me permission to handle this for you.

So we sat there together talking it through with the company, he gave them permission to send codes etc to my phone. I'm now third party permission. I've written down every code for future reference.

It's frigging exhausting sometimes

TheRamblingRose · 31/03/2023 18:19

ADHDat43 · 31/03/2023 11:34

OP did you talk to him about booking another session with his psychiatrist to discuss trialling different medications?

I have talked to him about the meds. One issue is that although he has his private diagnosis he's still on the NHS waiting list so each titration or new prescription would cost £200. But also he's done plenty of his own research and prefers to manage without meds at the moment, which I respect as long as he is making the effort in other ways!

OP posts:
wednesdaynamesep · 01/04/2023 10:13

Triantha · 31/03/2023 13:22

@wednesdaynamesep It sounds like you're in a very stressful situation, and of course nobody would expect you to just put up with it.

The difference here is that OP's husband is truly trying, and they haven't yet worked out the right way to deal with his ADHD - she mentioned that he is upset at the thought that he's stressing her out. They are able to sit down and have a conversation about things calmly and discuss what needs to be done. OP's DH knows there is a problem but hasn't yet figured out how to solve it.

In your situation it seems like your DH will not accept there is a problem in the first place. This is the bigger problem than the potential ADHD - he accused you of "nagging" when you were asking for his help and telling him you're at breaking point.

As someone with executive function problems I've been on the recieving end of that conversation and it's so tempting to get defensive. Calmly describing what's happening and how it makes you feel is the strategy that worked for us. For example, my DH saying "the mess from your sewing project makes me feel really stressed, I know you're working on it slowly but I need to you to put it away in between sessions." We figured out a system where the sewing would sit out for two days max so I knew when it was acceptable for it to be there or not (I'm possibly on the spectrum so I need to know the rules unfortunately lol).

This wasn't ableist in the slightest. He recognises my need to do a creative thing and make a mess sometimes and I recognise his need to know when it will be tidied away. This mutual respect is the important thing. Give him a chance to explain how he feels as well when he is given a task - whether certain things are hard or easy or if he just doesn't like doing them. I don't like cleaning the toilet but I'll do it! Whereas doing the washing up every day would make me feel extremely depressed. For some reason the every day tasks are way worse. Having a rota to take it in turns may help with those jobs.

Explain that you've been wanting to start a business. That it's something you've always wanted to do, and you need his help. If he respects you he will want that for you! Then get into the nitty gritty of what will help you free up particular slots of time for you to work on the business.

Good luck, I hope he's receptive to listening to you.

I've been with him for over 25 years and I've done all of that repeatedly. I laughed: in my case it isn't sewing lying around - it is ambitious DIY jobs that never ever get completed. But this isn't my thread ...

Wednesdaysotherchild · 01/04/2023 10:22

HowardKirksConscience · 29/03/2023 21:27

I realise I’m going to get flak for this but how do men with ADHD manage to have a ‘big job’ (OP’s words) but fall apart on domestic matters? How do they do well enough to get promoted to the big job in the first place?

As a woman with ADHD and a big job, I’m the same!

points:

  1. it takes me extra effort to maintain a decent level at work than for other people. This is important because it stops me getting fired and keeps the money coming in - anxiety/addrenalin is a powerful motivator.
  2. This extra efforts leaves very little energy or executive function for the rest of my life during the working week. No housework gets done! I tend not to have the wherewithal to socialise or do hobbies during the week either. Spare time is recovery time.
  3. If work is interesting, then it gets me into hyperfocus, during which that is the only thing that exists (and I forget even that I need to eat).
Triantha · 01/04/2023 11:06

@wednesdaynamesep Oh yes we have those as well. Not big ones usually as I will try to finish those. But multiple things half-painted or half stripped.

The sewing was a major issue at the time because I was making a lot of my own clothes and had nowhere but the living room to do it. So there were pattern pieces, fabric, offcuts, scraps, cutting mats, sewing paraphernalia and my machine on it's wheeled trolley taking up most of the space. For up to a week at a time each time I started something. DH literally had one clear spot to sit in on the sofa and had to edge past the machine trolley every time he wanted to sit down. So not knowing when it would be cleared up would majorly stress him out.

Anyway I guess the difference is I do care that I upset him and agreed to make a change. Nothing you can do if he doesn't care. Except maybe suggest counseling so someone else can tell him he's being massively inconsiderate and ruining your life. Other than that it's leave him I suppose!

BertieBotts · 01/04/2023 11:46

It's not ableist to want support in your relationship.

OldChinaJug · 01/04/2023 18:12

HowardKirksConscience · 29/03/2023 21:27

I realise I’m going to get flak for this but how do men with ADHD manage to have a ‘big job’ (OP’s words) but fall apart on domestic matters? How do they do well enough to get promoted to the big job in the first place?

I'm a teacher and I have adhd.

It's hard. I have huge to do lists that I refer to constantly but I struggle to function out of work. My house is a tip.

I have to keep it together at work or I'd lose my job and I'm a single parent but I can't give the same at home.

During busy weeks - eg end of term when we're off timetable, have a load of conflicting deadlines and there's such to do and where, I become completely.overhwlemed and cease to function out side of work. I can't sleep, the house is a tip, bills don't get paid (so I do DD for everything), I can't organise myself well enough to speak in sentences, things are forgotten and no amount of lists or alarms help during that time. My brain is a scramble.

I've made peace with it now and just take the pressure off myself but I can imagine a partner wouldn't like it!

OldChinaJug · 01/04/2023 18:13

Wednesdaysotherchild · 01/04/2023 10:22

As a woman with ADHD and a big job, I’m the same!

points:

  1. it takes me extra effort to maintain a decent level at work than for other people. This is important because it stops me getting fired and keeps the money coming in - anxiety/addrenalin is a powerful motivator.
  2. This extra efforts leaves very little energy or executive function for the rest of my life during the working week. No housework gets done! I tend not to have the wherewithal to socialise or do hobbies during the week either. Spare time is recovery time.
  3. If work is interesting, then it gets me into hyperfocus, during which that is the only thing that exists (and I forget even that I need to eat).

This completely!!

ThreePoodlesinaTrenchCoat · 01/04/2023 22:09

This!

Also, we chose our work to fit our brains. Emergency Departments seem to be mostly staffed with people with a lot of ADHD traits. Fast paced work that triggers hyperfocus, and everything is "right now". Housework is harder to tailor.

Also, women with ADHD still struggle with the house work, but are socialised to experience more stress about it.

I would really think very hard about the medication. As expensive as it is, it's cheaper than loosing a job or a marriage. It can also be utterly life changing.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 01/04/2023 23:00

Haven't read the full thread but just to say I sympathise so much. DH 100% has ADHD (undiagnosed but I know he has it). Information literally 'falls out of his head' - it's quite something. I am the complete opposite; super organised, a planner, I remember everything. He has many strengths though that I don't have - much more spontaneous, will take DC out for hours, can get things done super quickly...

Our strategy is we each play to our strength. If it's his turn to cook I'm still the one to defrost whatever we're having - I used to get annoyed about it but I mentally think about what's happening that day anyway, so taking 10 seconds to take the chicken out the freezer doesn't really matter to me. He'll do stuff that I'd find much harder - if I say to him we've run out of something, even if it's 10pm he's more than happy to drive to the shops to get it; I'd never do that. If kind of works (but I do feel like his mum sometimes).

For stuff like PE kit: I put stuff like that on the floor in the hallway in front of the door so he literally falls over it when leaving the house. There's no other way he remembers. Pre DC he used to make himself the most amazing lunches for work and would always forget them in the fridge. Lists and phone reminders etc never worked, so we then started hanging a specific (empty) bag on the door handle which was his visual reminder to grab his lunch from the fridge.

When I write a shopping list, I list the items in the order of the shop.

When I text him with two questions, I ask one question first then wait for his response, then I message the second question. (If I asked both at once he'd only answer the second question).

It does take effort but I'm good at organising and he's not doing any of this on purpose. Hope some of this is helpful