Husband has ADHD and I'm struggling

[TheRamblingRose]

So I'm just looking for some advice from anyone who has a partner with ADHD.

My husband has always been 'scatty' but after a few things last year he finally got assessed and diagnosed with ADHD. He tried the meds but didn't get on with them.

He's done really well at work despite his ADHD challenges, but he has a big job which he loves (for a charity) and sometimes I really feel like it takes the best of him, and particularly when he's stressed out, leaves me with a shell of a man who is only half present.

The mental load has always been bad for me as I tend to take everything on, but he's literally forgetting things a minute after I've mentioned something, it's driving me mad. I will always remind him of family stuff, eg if DS needs his PE kit for school, but I have to remind him the night before, the morning of, and even when he's on his way out the door he still won't have the effing PE kit. Trying to remember to remind him about everything is killing me! I have a full time job too and I'm tired and losing my patience, which isn't fair as I know it's not his fault. He's a really kind and wonderful person and I am getting shoutier than I want to be.

I'm not sure what I want to get from posting this, maybe some solidarity from other ADHD spouses and any tips or coping mechanisms that others have found?

I'm also a woman, I probably have ADHD and hold down a big job, but also have a memory like your DH. In my opinion there is a difference in expectations depending on being mum v dad so I probably give more of my energy to getting the kids to school than a man in my situation, as I feel I'll be the one judged if I get it wrong. Doesn't make it easy though.

In my experience, work is lots of things one after another whereas getting kids to school is all the things, all at once. This, I'm not good at.

Alexa telling us when to eg. brush teeth, remember it's PE day, lists by front door, upskilling the kids in what they need on which day, always keeping same routine in a morning, aiming to leave 10 minutes before we actually do, these things all help.

It's because the hyperfocus is on work and not stuff that doesn't engage their attention.

Which is okay if they live alone, but when it means an unfair burden has to be carried by their partner, then it's a problem.

All marriages have problem areas but the solutions in this situation are going to be different.

One technique that works for us is 'mirroring' where we tackle housework together with a specific list of tasks from the organised mum method.

DH has trouble getting started and being motivated to do things he isn't hyperfocused on, but recognises it's not fair to me if I was expected to carry all of that myself.

Reaching this situation took a lot of arguments though (before he was diagnosed) and then a lot of discussion and reading up on ADHD after his diagnosis.

We’re not morons - that’s how! We’re actually a pretty bright, committed and intelligent bunch.

Depending on how our ADHD is expressed externally we can actually thrive under pressure and mask our condition so hard we appear Neurotypical and successful. Plus if we care about something we really care and devote a lot of energy and attention to making it a success. Plus we mask our condition like crazy because of the fear of social exclusion and failure.

Unfortunately this does mean we can suffer burnout in other parts of our lives…

Op - my one top tips are get some proper ADHD coaching, suggest try alternative/non-stimulating meds like guafancine (assuming your husband was prescribed lisdexamfetamine) and a pomodoro type timer (I love the pricey ticktime pomodoro timer) and an Alexa or similar. Todoist can really work for some people too and you can have shared lists with multiple reminders and repeat schedule things.

The coaching will give him space to talk about his feelings of being diagnosed (I was happy and high as a kite after mine until I saw it in black and white and then I grieved for so much in my past.) Also it will allow him to start to build coping mechanisms.

The Anti Planner by Dani Donovan can be helpful (if you can remember you have it!) if you get stuck in ADHD paralysis.

Try dividing household stuff using the FairPlay cards - but build slowly. You would be Simone Biles doing crazy backflips if you hadn’t first mastered a forward roll - your husband is still mastering that in some ways while everyone else is doing a cartwheel into a handstand.

Most of all he sympathetic if he’s really trying, he’s going to slip up and will tear himself apart inside so it won’t need adding to.

Solidarity OP, my DH is exactly like this, it’s draining and has caused a lot of resentment over the years. He’s still not formally diagnosed, but it’s clear it’s ADHD.

Is this why my husband keeps trying to get us to each be 'on' one kid at a time, I never got it before! He does like to know which kid is his responsibility at any given time whereas my neurotypical brain doesn't work like that!

LOVE the weekly whiteboard idea, I am totally going to nick that. Something visual, he can be involved in creating it, we can make a habit out of checking it.

The only way I remember to take things with me out of the house is to write it on a post it note on the front door.

I’m lucky my partner likes being in control and is a super tidy and organised person. He even cooks every evening so has that planned and organised and is happy for me just to do the dishes (if I unload and load the dishwasher while he’s cooking I find it much easier vs planning to do it then forgetting dishes and dishwashers exist as soon as it’s out of sight). I’m interested to hear tips that have worked for people though since I imagine he gets annoyed with me a lot even if he doesn’t say anything.

Exercise I found much easier when I joined a group outside the house (couch to 5k in my case) as the set weekly time and shame of not going meant for the first time in my life I managed to get into the habit of something. Understand it must be much harder to set that time aside with small kids.

I work for someone with similar issues who has spent much of their life developing strategies for work and has done extremely well as a result of this, but he sees his home life as being of equal importance so he applies a lot of the same strategies there.

What I wonder is whether some men subconsciously think that work is the important thing and that domestic stuff doesn’t bring in the money, so they can let go in the home environment. Let’s face it, we’ve pretty much all been conditioned to feel that way.

There are specialist adhd coaches. Does his work know and are they supporting him with reasonable adjustments so he isn't using 100% of his energy up at work and being able exhausted and mentally absent at home?
How is he on holidays?
I'm diagnosed, big job, female so did 90% of mental family load and I got increasingly bad temper d and broken. But DH did all food-related stuff thank god and we had a live out nanny. So I think getting a 100% functioning parents but one parent doing 85% and the other 15%, is not sustainable. Buy in help so that you and DH only have to split say 75% if the family load between you.

Also don't underestimate (and I don't think you do) the dynamic, fun, creative or whatever it is he brings, input. My adult DC remember equally how chaotic things were around me, but also how funny I was and how all our family adventures, celebrations etc were created by me.

Hyperfocus is actually another interesting point.

DH is crap at remembering day to day stuff, but... leave him to his own devices for a couple of days- he will do something insane like replace a ceiling by himself. I know he uses it at work, but he does amazing things when he is hyperfocussed at home too. I've learnt now to get out of the way, and let him crack on. I used to feel bad that I wasn't helping, or that he wasn't paying attention to DC, but now I know what's happening and I see it as a sort of pay off for the whole situation.

You both need to learn how to harness the hyperfocus, because that is the ADHD superpower. It has taken me a loooong time to reframe my thinking about ADHD. As frustrating as it can be, there are so many good sides too.

Work are getting on board, he now has an adhd coach and they are just working through the process of getting him some PA support to help too. On holiday he is brilliant, much more relaxed and has so much bandwidth.

I definitely appreciate what he brings, he's a fantastic dad, a very generous man and very kind. I'm just tired and fed up. Been given so much good advice here, hopefully we can improve things

@wheresmymojo thank you - this has actually helped me a lot, as DH is recently diagnosed and has said similar (forgetting the list exists, forgetting reminders the moment he's looked at them) & I did wonder whether this was a common experience or maybe a bit of hyperbole. It's reassuring to see that other people can struggle with this while also performing well at work!
DH has found a niche role that works for his brain and then worked bloody hard at exams etc. He's actively avoided paths that would involve more project management type tasks, for example, as we know it wouldn't go well. I understand how it must look to others though, but my soft skills are worth nowhere near as much as his technical ones.

Any suggestions on discrete tasks that he could be assigned at home? We fell out a bit over the bins recently (I'd tried the "ignore it til he does it" approach but it got too disgusting. I was upset, he got defensive, & I'm being assessed for autism so not the best at communicating!).
I don't have particularly high standards but with a crawling baby and a muddy dog there's quite a lot to do to keep things clean-ish, & I'm floundering a bit.

@TheRamblingRose i think we all présent differently eg. I can cope with darting in and out of things all the time but my DH finds he likes to know what he is fully responsible for. It's been game changing for us - i took the eldest as she was going to secondary and I barely engage with primary child's activity / school admin anymore (obviously with the child ❤️).
Board time is a key part of our week now. The kids are year 5 and 7 and seem to get a lot out of it too as they like to know plans for each day

I don’t think I have ADHD but I am similar to your DH. I have a reminder on Alexa to tell me to do the school run in the afternoon. I tried to implement a whiteboard system but kept forgetting to update it, but having it visually there was definitely helpful (until it wasn’t). We also do division of labour for kid stuff - I have no clue about school, but am mostly on top of what happens at nursery - and split other household tasks eg he is king of laundry, I rule the recycling roost. I am not like this intentionally or because I don’t care, I’m just domestically dysfunctional. My DH knows I try my best even if I come up short. I know he does too and I think that’s an important part of it even if he gets frustrated that somehow I put the middlest’s trainers in the eldest’s pe kit…

He needs to take some responsibility though, if he doesn't get on with his meds he should see about having the dose altered or at least try speaking with his doctor; I didn't get on with mine at first and whilst they don't work miracles they generally help keep things more manageable. He also needs to find ways to stay organised, sure he finds it hard but that doesn't mean he can effectively opt out.

I have ADHD, it was diagnosed when I was a teen and I've had to come up with ways to ensure I stay on top of things. I have printed calendars as well as alarms and apps on my phone, I make notes, I pack bags etc the day before and have a printed checklist for DS' bag for different days of the week and what needs to go in it, I write foods on the list on the fridge when they're running low so I remember what to buy- and everything else. DH works away quite a bit and juggling house and child stuff with work is bloody hard, but I've had to find way to make it work. He does too. He can't just expect you to do everything although of course consideration to the fact he has ADHD is important.

My DH has ADHD also and our main coping strategies have already been mentioned by various posters but here they are anyway:

• Using many, many, many Google reminders.

• Having a shared app for calendar/lists etc.

• Making lists for everything - for example he has a list of things which need to be taken on days out with the kids (we have 2 babies so it tends to be a lot) and he will literally sit and tick off each item on his phone in the car before setting off.

• Having very specific jobs around the house which only he is responsible for and which I don't get involved with.

• DH taking almost full responsibility for looking after one baby and me taking the other.

Solidarity OP, my DH is medicated and even with the above (and probably more that I've forgotten about) tactics in place, the bulk of the mental loads still falls to me and it's bloody exhausting. I know exactly what you mean about living with someone who's only half present - I have to try REALLY hard not to take it personally sometimes when the things I say don't even register with him or he forgets 30 seconds later... Argh!!!

No flak -- you don't understand how ADHD works. The richest man on earth (?) Elon Musk has ADHD.

I'm the one with the executive function issues in our relationship, no idea if it's ADHD or not because it's never been diagnosed.

We have a shared WhatsApp thread that we update with reminders (always with the date at the top of the reminder) and a shared Google calendar we can both add things to. Having something tangible/a written record of what needs doing is such a help.

I'd advise against letting DH fail on purpose to teach him something, because it won't work. ADHD comes with various "blindness" issues including mess blindness, time blindness etc. Basically if it's not in line of sight he won't remember it. I know I don't remember to do my washing half the time even though I see the full basket regularly.

Your DH will also resent you if he finds out you've been doing a "test" of some kind to see how long it'll take him to notice something. My DH once left a bag of Christmas presents in a doorway hoping I would unpack it and I didn't realise why it was there and stepped over it for a week. I got quite upset when I realized I'd apparently failed a test I didn't know was happening.

You might want to try a big whiteboard on the fridge he can check. Doing the mental load of updating it is a pain for you, but it'll be less effort than constantly reminding him. That way he just has one task each morning, "check whiteboard".

Laminate a checklist and leave in key spots..fridge, front door etc

I am a professional female with ADHD. I would present as neurotypical at work. (I have worked out systems to mask my naturally disorganised ways and put in extra hours as well.) Get him to put the PE kit in front of the door he will leave by. Put it so that it's impossible to open the door without picking it up. He needs to work out some ways of being more organised at home.

My Dh has executive disfunction and what has worked for us I'd giving him specific jobs that he won't forget. So he does all the cooking because he loves food and he won't skip meals (won't work for everyone with adhd) and then he does the washing up, because he can't dish up food without plates etc.

Now admittedly I hate that all the washing up never seems to be done, he never cleans and tidies the kitchen and he leaves all the cupboards and doors open, but him doing all the cooking and the washing up is a good chunk of chores that I then don't even have to think about.

He also does the shopping because I don't drive which he finds harder, but I tend to double check the shopping list and send a photo of it to him when he has inevitably forgotten it.

The other thing I have found helpful is:

Getting him to acknowledge (mostly to himself) that it is helpful to him if I provide the organisational structure. So instead of getting annoyed when I have a list of jobs at the weekend he acknowledges its useful because otherwise he would be tidying the shed the exact week the potatoes need planting, or pruning at the wrong time of year and totally ignoring the sky high weeds etc. Getting him to welcome a structured task list has been amazing because it's gone from him feeling like I am nagging him to him feeling like I am helping him which has made us both feel more appreciated.

I have ADHD my main difficulties are working memory, overwhelm, procrastination and clumsiness. I too have my outlook calendar open at work all day.

I'm stupidly early to everything so I'm not late. This is annoying for other people. To cope with overwhelm I break things down into smaller tasks and do the small things straight away. If I let things build up I get ADHD paralysis and nothing gets done. I'm known for my energy, spontaneity, creativity and flexible thinking at work... I'm also very good in emergency situations. That's ADHD.

The difficulty I have is tackling anything long or boring, as boredom literally kills me. As I can spend all day in paralysis not getting anything done waiting for an appointment at say 3pm I try to book appts and exercise classes in the morning otherwise inertia will hit. The pomodoro technique does have some success for me, 25 minutes focus then allow myself a 5 minute dopamine treat, e.g a look on Instagram etc.

Can't do lists as they overwhelm me and I lose the notebooks with said lists in or get Jumbled up with what's in what notebook then feel ashamed that I'm being "scatty" again. The best thing I've done for myself recently is self acceptance, my brain is different not broken and yes I will forget stuff most days but my house is full of my home made creations.

Oh tile is great as well. Has been a lifesaver with the daily occurrence of misplacing keys.

I would get him to educate himself on adhd. There are many sites. Additude is a great online support for both spouse and adhd person. I would also read up on it as much as you can so you can understand his condition.

If he's on Instagram I highly recommend Matt Raekelboom and the life actuator.

Matt has personally helped me in so many ways with his short but easy to take in videos. He owns journey2adhd whichnis really helpful. He gives all sorts of tips.

I highly recommend your husband uses his phone calendar as a reminder tool with lots of alarms and notes put in about what he needs to remember.

Also have a chore chart or reminder chart that is magnetic and can go onto the fridge. This is can be a list for him to check for what he needs to do that day. Get him to write the list himself and set reminders on his phone to look at it.

With the the time blindness, he needs to give himself an hour longer than it should take for whatever needs to be done or wherever he needs to be.

Anything that needs to be remembered to take out with him, put it near his shoes so he won't forget things.

Get him to remember to check in with hinself all day. Had he remembered to eat, drink plenty of water, exercise, has he had enough sleep?

Dopamine is what we need to concentrate, motivate us and help us focus. To feed the Dopamine, tell him to use music or anything else he finds interesting like a podcast. It helps me to stay focused on task when something.else is feeding my brain.

Just a side note, he's probably masking all day at work and when we do that, all our energy goes into it so we are literally exhausted by the time we get home.

Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed after work, I have to lay byself in bed for 20 mins just to come around when I get home.

I hope you don't mind an adhd person advising you but neurotypical people don't always get why we do what we do. It is managable and it can be done. It takes education, time, patience and practice. I am also unmedicated.

I aren't terrific with chores but I am trying to get better with a lot of the things I've listed. I've only realised I had it in the last 2 years and I'm female. I know we are maddening but once he works out how to manage his condition, it does get easier.

Good luck to you both.

Adhd spouse here. Son has dx, DH almost certainly has it.

I found one thing that helps a lot is forgiving myself and telling DH and DS that at the end of the day, I can't be expected to remember everything for everyone.

Sometimes I will get it wrong, I'm not going to feel guilty about it because I am being the organising brain for two other people and no one can get that right all the time.

Synchronised Google calendar helps somewhat as well.

Did you not notice these things before marriage and kids?

I have just ended a 2 year relationship because it became obvious he had ADHD and I wasn't willing to deal with it.

If he isn't getting on with meds then he needs to step up somehow! It's not fair on you and you shouldn't have to live like this.

Boxes at the door for everyone. For the DC the school bag, sports kit etc all live there. Lunch box in the fridge (In the same spot even if empty). Above the box is the planner/timetable for the week. Before walking out the door check the planner and grab everything at the same time. DO NOT PUT ANYTHING DOWN BEFORE WALKING OUT THE DOOR!!!

Take photos of all permission slips and add them to appointment times in the calendar. If the board has a pinup board next to it for them to live on that would also be helpful. (Having it on the phone means you can fill it in at work and email to the school early/last minute.)

For all the finicky instructions that school excursions have (yours are a bit young but it will start soon!), also all the last minute casual school days/pyjama days that the school doles out to be added to the board in a different colour so that they stand out.

Teach your DC to read the board as well, as soon as they are able to. ADHD can be a genetic thing and teaching them these organisation skills early will help them immeasurably if they are, and still helpful if they're not.