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Original poster

If you’re staying in marriage for the sake of children

138 replies

Nametakenagain11 · 29/03/2023 12:43

How is it going?
how many years do you have left?
is it bearable?
really struggling with marriage at moment. We’ve just drifted apart. Nothing abusive or bad. I won’t break up the marriage till child is 18.

OP posts:
scottnaryl · 29/03/2023 14:33

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2023 14:37

Bugger off with your Spam
OP, please don’t do it. My Mum stayed with my Dad “for the children “. It was awful, damaged my relationship with my Father beyond repair and meant I always felt guilty that she put up with his shit longer than necessary because of me.
I would have been quite happy with just me and My Mum and my Dad could have just been the Disney Dad as it was all he was capable of.
I wouldn’t have been close to him but I wouldn’t have ended up hating him either

WimpoleHat · 29/03/2023 14:40

I won’t break up the marriage till child is 18.

I was the child in that sort of marriage - and I’m honestly not sure it was for the best. Kids know that their parents don’t get on (even if there’s no open hostility) and it’s hard to know what a healthy relationship looks like when you’ve never seen one modelled. And as a child, you walk on eggshells because you’re aware of the underlying tension. And the issues that you need to deal with with divorced parents are for life; 18 isn’t some magical
age which means it’s all okay. In some ways, kids who’ve grown up with two homes know how to manage it better as adults as they’ve had the time and space to be able to adapt and get used to it. Obviously you need to consider your kids and their welfare in whatever you do, but I don’t think a blanket “stay together for the kids” approach is necessarily the right one…..

YouTarzan · 29/03/2023 14:41

I think a lot of people kid themselves that they're staying for the children, when actually they're just scared to leave.

Maria1982 · 29/03/2023 14:45

Nametakenagain11 · 29/03/2023 12:43

How is it going?
how many years do you have left?
is it bearable?
really struggling with marriage at moment. We’ve just drifted apart. Nothing abusive or bad. I won’t break up the marriage till child is 18.

Please don’t do it. My parents did something along these lines. Was very damaging when it all came out at 18. And we weren’t blind, we realised they didn’t really have much in common beforehand.
plus, it gives children a terrible example of what a relationship looks like !

I know it’s hard (to leave), but that’s my 2 cents.

OhVicIveFallen · 29/03/2023 14:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Lottapianos · 29/03/2023 14:52

I agree with every word of Wimpole's post. My parents stayed 'for the children' - in quotes because they also stayed for themselves, even though they were pretty miserable. They're still together, even though us 'kids' are in our 30s and 40s now.

I know it's not a black and white issue, but please be honest about the impact of your decision. Your kids WILL know what's really going on, if you decide to play 'happy families' they will learn to mistrust their own feelings, and you will be modelling a very unhappy and unhealthy lessons about what relationships look like

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2023 14:54

"I just think it's less upheaval for the kids if we leave splitting up until they're older/have left school".

Really?. It could be argued otherwise.

Waiting for the children to go off to college/university (which often has its own challenges particularly if the young person is living away from home) and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood.

Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

For these above reasons I would urge you to think again. Better to be from a so called broken home also than to remain in one. Divorce is not failure op, living in unhappiness is.

Eatentoomanyroses · 29/03/2023 14:58

My mum didn’t leave my dad until I was 13 and I actually think she did the right thing. Everyone’s situation is different

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2023 14:59

the issues that you need to deal with with divorced parents are for life; 18 isn’t some magical
age which means it’s all okay. In some ways, kids who’ve grown up with two homes know how to manage it better as adults as they’ve had the time and space to be able to adapt and get used to it.

100% this. My DH’s dad waited until he was ‘an adult now’ to leave - but it blindsided his mother and basically torpedoed everyone’s relationships. The happy childhood & his parents stable marriage was apparently a big fat lie.

I think for the most part people are being dishonest when they say it’s ‘for the kids’ when they’re just marking time. Commit to fix it, or decide to move forward. Not this halfway house.

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 29/03/2023 15:01

YouTarzan · 29/03/2023 14:41

I think a lot of people kid themselves that they're staying for the children, when actually they're just scared to leave.

Totally agree with this. And have seen the damage it does to children, to project a loveless marriage as the norm.
Feel very sad for those financially trapped, but there are ways out.

Hellzbellz25 · 29/03/2023 15:01

'I won't break up the marriage till child is 18'

What a great way to push a load of guilt into your future adult child!!!

ThePoetsWife · 29/03/2023 15:02

It's a head fuck for the DC as they will look back on what they thought were happy family memories and realise it was all a sham.

You're also ensuring they will follow the same patterns when they are old enough to form relationships with potential life partners.

MoonBase · 29/03/2023 15:05

My older male relative stayed in the relationship with his wife because "there was never a good time to leave" kids too young. Kids moving to uni. Lots travelling. Engagements, new baby and then he knew it was never going to be a good time and blindsided everyone one new year's eve

His wife had no clue and he said he had been staying for the kids

PP have said they don't love their partners but they don't know- this was that situation

Massively damaged the family relationships people didn't speak for years blindsided the wife in the situation who then had to rebuild everything in her late 50s 60s

Also seen this from when the parents split when kids are 18+ their safety net is ripped away when they going through a period of massive change, there is never a good time

SamTG · 29/03/2023 15:05

When I was in Uni, a few of my friends’ parents split up; they’d waited until their kids were 18 too.
No surprise that my friends were very upset, felt their “happy” family childhood had been a lie and wished their parents had done it earlier.

MyPurpleHeart · 29/03/2023 15:06

As a child from this situation, it teaches you some really weird things about relationships and affection. I never saw my parents hug, hold hands, sit on the same sofa, or even enjoy going out together. As a result no one in our family ever said 'I love you' to each other. I couldn't even say it to my parents now it feels so weird.

We knew they were only together for us, its a huge burden to carry. We were told many times that in a fit of anger that they didn't enjoy their lives. When I was very young I even remember my mums man 'friend'.

You may think you've got them fooled but your kids know. Kids pick up on feelings and attitudes, you cant fake it no matter how much you think you can. It leaves scars that are really complex and not as easy to understand as 'my parents divorced'.

MyriadOfTravels · 29/03/2023 15:20

many people seem t9 think that staying is not a good idea because it’s awful fir the dcs blablabla.
These people imagine they would have had the same standard of living, maybe still live in the same house, go to the same school but Wo the arguments.

In real life, single women is the group where people are the most likely to live in poverty. It would t be surprising if they had to move and change school. Divorce is never plain sailing and could lead to even bigger arguments.

You just have to look at how awful some people have found their parents divorce.

Now does it mean you should always stay fur the dcs? Nope.
But some people seem to have some nice rose tinted glasses on.

Note: I’m OBVIOUSLY not talking about abusive situation etc….

Lengokengo · 29/03/2023 15:26

My ex used to go on about how happy his parents were, how he would want a relationship and family life like them, blah blah.

His mum left when the youngest was 18 and had just left home, and in retrospect she had clearly been planning it for yeeeeears, given some decisions she made that didn’t make much sense until much later and after she left.

He was totally blindsided. Me less so, as a lot of stiff food into place. I think she waited till the time was exactly right for her, not for her kids, which is fine, but not sure if that’s how she spun it.

RemoteControlDoobry · 29/03/2023 15:30

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

That seems a bit mean if he loves you.

Urghfedup · 29/03/2023 16:53

Name changed for this. I’m staying as we previously spilt up (he left and was horrible to my kids with possible physical abuse but the older one wouldn’t tell me and the little one couldn’t ). I’ve been for help with a domestic abuse charity but they basically made me out to be a time waster and said he is entitled to 50/50 care. I’m sticking out until they are older so they can verbally tell me what he does to them which is unbelievably depressing. My son is language delayed so I think I have ten more years stuck in his prison. I’m struggling to enjoy anything anymore and frequently wish he was dead. I used to be a nice person but years of torture have made me a blank eyed spiteful bitch.

Original poster
Nametakenagain11 · 29/03/2023 18:30

Thanks for all the replies. Lots to think about.

OP posts:
Dery · 30/03/2023 00:04

“I think a lot of people kid themselves that they're staying for the children, when actually they're just scared to leave.”

Agree with this. The exception is in the circumstances described by @Urghfedup which sound hellish but OP has said there’s no abuse. It doesn’t really help children to be brought up in a relationship which has ended. That’s the relationship model they’re learning. Plus you leaving when they turn 18 (which, as a PP said, is not a magic number) tells them that everything that’s gone before was a lie. One of the most screwed up people I know, who was never able to maintain a relationship, grew up in a family where the parents didn’t like each other but stayed together for the children. Stay if you want - there may be good reasons for doing so - but be clear that you’re doing it because that’s what works best for you.

Dery · 30/03/2023 00:07

PS - and some of the most functional people I know grew up in families where the parents were separated but co-parented reasonably and sensibly.

StickyFloor · 30/03/2023 00:30

OP I'm with you, I always pop up on this threads and see almost every other poster saying that this is a bad idea but I stand firm!

My girls have had a great childhood and we have all had stress free lives with all we need around us because I've stayed with DH. I stayed for their benefit and for mine to ensure they had the best of everything. They both have SEN and the idea of uprooting them to a new smaller house with no money and no second pair of hands to help was just unfathomable.

A word of caution though - they are past 18 now and for various reasons I am still here. Every month that goes by I think I'm trapped, it could be years before either of them are set up independently and this scares me.

Some days it's ok and I remind myself I'm doing this for a good reason. Other days it's so hard that it's like a physical pain in my chest.

Shhht · 30/03/2023 01:30

MyriadOfTravels · 29/03/2023 15:20

many people seem t9 think that staying is not a good idea because it’s awful fir the dcs blablabla.
These people imagine they would have had the same standard of living, maybe still live in the same house, go to the same school but Wo the arguments.

In real life, single women is the group where people are the most likely to live in poverty. It would t be surprising if they had to move and change school. Divorce is never plain sailing and could lead to even bigger arguments.

You just have to look at how awful some people have found their parents divorce.

Now does it mean you should always stay fur the dcs? Nope.
But some people seem to have some nice rose tinted glasses on.

Note: I’m OBVIOUSLY not talking about abusive situation etc….

Yes. It really depends on the situation. If parents separate there is a risk of children being subjected to abusive step parents, which could be far, far worse than just not having a particularly happy relationship modelled. And having your life split between two houses can be really disruptive even if the parents remain single.