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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you’re staying in marriage for the sake of children

138 replies

Nametakenagain11 · 29/03/2023 12:43

How is it going?
how many years do you have left?
is it bearable?
really struggling with marriage at moment. We’ve just drifted apart. Nothing abusive or bad. I won’t break up the marriage till child is 18.

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 31/03/2023 22:35

How old are the kids? Mine were 8, 10 and 12 when we separated. It was rough for a few weeks but honestly they are totally fine. I’d say less anxious than before. Yes, we have a much smaller house and it’s hard being apart but I am genuinely so excited for life and they seem happy. Of course I am lucky to be able to support myself, not everyone is in the same situation.

Plut · 31/03/2023 23:15

Minimummonday · 31/03/2023 22:32

@plut I am a high earning single parent who has an excellent relationship with my child’s dad and 50/50 care. So I don’t fit any of your ‘everyone loses’ narrative. There are many of us….not very few

I didn't say everyone loses.

I said that what will have the best outcome will depend entirely on the individual circumstances and that all decisions have benefits and drawbacks; the balance of those will vary depending on the dynamics and situation. That the many posts on the thread stating that it is always best to leave if not entirely satisfied with a relationship based on their own parents being unhappy are naive, because they have no idea what might have happened if they had separated. And that people often ignore the elephant in the room which is that the greatest damage to children (aside from ending up in a situation where their standard of living is very poor for financial reasons) is often done by step parents and "blended families", additional siblings, etc, yet many people advocate separations without the caveat that if parents were really basing their decisions on what is best for their children, then if they did decide to separate they wouldn't be cohabiting with any new partners while the children are growing up.

Nat6999 · 31/03/2023 23:17

My friend's mum stayed in an unhappy marriage until my friend was 19 & her sister was 10. It totally screwed her up because she realised that the men who she thought of as family friends where actually her mum's lovers. It would have been better if she had left earlier, she did settle down with one of her men friends & has been with him over 30 years now.

Number24Bus · 01/04/2023 07:10

My family experience of this is a generation ago, ie my grandparents stayed together 'for the sake of the kids' and separated when they left home. Both then ended up in new relationships that were happier and better suited. The 'kids' (my mum and my uncles) knew the situation and felt they'd made the right decision and were grateful to them for sticking it out.

This was a long time ago, and maybe it was different when divorce was more of a taboo. But growing up as products of a loveless marriage has not stopped my mum and her brothers forming healthy long-term relationships themselves. My parents have been very happily married for over 50 years!

Mumof3confused · 01/04/2023 08:43

Plut · 31/03/2023 23:15

I didn't say everyone loses.

I said that what will have the best outcome will depend entirely on the individual circumstances and that all decisions have benefits and drawbacks; the balance of those will vary depending on the dynamics and situation. That the many posts on the thread stating that it is always best to leave if not entirely satisfied with a relationship based on their own parents being unhappy are naive, because they have no idea what might have happened if they had separated. And that people often ignore the elephant in the room which is that the greatest damage to children (aside from ending up in a situation where their standard of living is very poor for financial reasons) is often done by step parents and "blended families", additional siblings, etc, yet many people advocate separations without the caveat that if parents were really basing their decisions on what is best for their children, then if they did decide to separate they wouldn't be cohabiting with any new partners while the children are growing up.

Show quote history

Our couples counsellor told us that it’s important for our children to see healthy relationship dynamics and therefore, we shouldn’t shy away from having a new partner when the time is right. Of course this needs to be carefully managed but I don’t believe it needs to be avoided forever.

Plut · 01/04/2023 08:51

@Mumof3confused you can have a new relationship without forcing your children to live with them. With respect to your therapist there's plenty of data available on the impact that has.

KateFeather · 01/04/2023 08:59

@Mumof3confused I agree with you. When carefully managed it's very possible to successfully introduce a new partner. My , now grown up, children have a wonderful relationship with my partner.

paulaparticles · 01/04/2023 22:55

Reading for advice on my own situation.

IfonlyIdoneitsooner · 02/04/2023 09:44

Plut · 31/03/2023 18:04

NO. I genuinely cannot! And who says every woman that leaves will be living in poverty?

Ok, so I am one of the very few lone parent but high earning women. Fortunately as my children's father is not in their lives and I will not have another relationship they will not be at risk of enduring the horrors that I did at the hands of step parents, or having "blended families" that have been demonstrated to be psychologically harmful to children, etc. They won't be shunted around between homes.

I can provide a good home for them. But there is still a cost: their immense sadness at not having a father when their friends do. Them not understanding why and feeling abandonment. And having one parent only to do all the working and caring in 24 hours per day, so less family time, fewer opportunities for 1:1 time, a completely exhausted parent, and also undoubtedly a lower quality of life still than they'd have with two parents earning my income each.

However it pans out there is always a cost. As there will be for people who stay. The balance of what is the least damaging choice depends entirely on the circumstances. Some of the post here stating that it's always best to leave are naive. Sometimes, of course it will be. But not always. And the undeniable and often unacknowledged truth is that in the vast majority of cases, if parents do separate, it is far, far better for the children NOT to inflict step parents/ siblings on them. But that part is often conveniently ignored because so many parents are selfish.

I agree with all of this. It's impossible to say what would have been better as an adult looking back. It's a risk benefit analysis and you've no way really of knowing. If there's abuse it's clear but when it's something like "unhappiness" well it can be pretty vague at times, and then it's hard. Unhappiness doesn't tend to be in every aspect of living. Although in my own case it eventually did permeate every part of our relationship.

If you have shitty parents or a shitty parent when they stay together then it's likely they will be exactly the same when split so either way you would be brought up with shitty parenting. That's the negative effect and it doesn't magically disappear when you split. Maybe if it's largely one shitty parent, by staying together the good parents protects the children somewhat?

I've recently split with my dh and I'm watching the impact and fall out. For me, it's the best thing ever, I'm good financially and the arguing has just left the building literally and that peace is lovely for everyone. But my children love both of us very much and rely on us both equally and turn to each of us for different things. We've removed one of those very steady reliable loving anchors for at least half the week. They are finding that hard. Actually heartbreaking to watch my youngest struggle with it and I'm not sure this has been the best decision for her.

And I've kept the family home and he's just moved 10 minutes up the road and they know they can pop in at any time to either house because they are both their homes.

I think it's probably better that we are separate because we are good parents just really awful partners...bring out the worst parts of each other. And I certainly won't be introducing any step parents... Who knows what his future will be.

Who knows what damage we've done to them and whether the damage occurred during the together years or the divorced ones.

Life is hard and you can never be sure your decisions are the right ones.

Sorry for the huge post, but writing that down has been helpful for me.

Livelifelaughter · 02/04/2023 10:00

My bf is separated and going through a divorce. They waited until the children left home for further education. He spent 20 plus years in a dysfunctional non communicative marriage. He finds it very difficult to work in the boundaries of a normal relationship now. He can't deal with conflict because in his marriage their lives were so separate there wasn't any.
Next you have the issue of splitting finances nearer to retirement age there's less time to recover.
And also, stating the obvious, you are older and it takes time to recover from a divorce and be emotionally available to meet someone else which also takes more time...

Tockomtele · 06/04/2023 18:12

I loved reading this thread with everyone's experience. Whatever we do, we 'damage' our children. Or is it because it's easier for us to blame our parents?
My parents divorced when I was 5 and my sister 2.5.
My sister has been having therapy for about 5 years now, she's over 40 and so lonely and blames our childhood (this is the result of therapies. I'm in a crappy relationship that I'll stick to for a while as I know what being poor is like and I don't want this for my kids. Whatever money I'd get from a divorce wouldn't buy me a flat and I couldn't get a mortgage. I also don't fancy spending their 'inheritance' on renting until it runs out and then apply for a council flat. Because they'd probably really struggle to buy something.

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 20:51

@Tockomtele

So much of our experience is because of our childhood experiences though. That doesn’t absolve people from personal responsibility to sort their shit our mind.

I do know of only a few people who truly came from solid, two parent, happy families. As in both mum and dad were always a team, a solid unit. Their adult kids have a sense of solidness about them too, can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s definitely something about them. They’re in the minority though.

Lizzybizz123 · 06/04/2023 21:47

My advice would be to get yourself together be strong and leave it’s not healthy for children to live in that happy family lie …. I was a child in that life and grew up not really knowing what happy looked like…. Then I was married for 25 years unhappy like yourself so yes made that plan in my head that when they were 18 I’d leave, sadly I ended up having an affair and left for him my daughter was 16 and son was 10 I just regret not focusing on being strong and leaving alone …… but if I’m honest I was scared of being on my own…. I have been now for 3 years and I’m much happier both children are very happy the only thing they didn’t like was how I left which is completely understandable and I regret that bit!
go grab a life for yourself please….. life is too short and tomorrow is not promised…. Good luck you can do it!! Xx

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