If you’re staying in marriage for the sake of children

[Nametakenagain11]

How is it going?
how many years do you have left?
is it bearable?
really struggling with marriage at moment. We’ve just drifted apart. Nothing abusive or bad. I won’t break up the marriage till child is 18.

I wish my parents had split instead of making half of us miserable as children (the older ones), and half of us (the younger) miserable as adults when we realised the unfair burden put upon us.

What does you think will change once your youngest is 18? They don’t turn into fully fledged independent adults overnight. Chances are, he won’t even be close to moving out.

Based on your other thread about your interest in another man, it’s clear you’ve checked out already so no point continuing to fool yourself.

@StickyFloor
I really appreciate you writing this. I'm not in a position to leave at the moment. Partly because I grew up in borderline poverty and my own kids said 'living in a flat would be horrible'. And I won't be able to even afford a flat on my own in our area.

I understand living in a 'lie' is crap.
Whatever we do as parents, will cause some kind of damage.

Someone said to me '70 percent of the couples' she knows are in a shit marriage. How very sad is that.

Child of divorced parents here. Divorced when I was about 8 or 9. Moved schools and moved house. Had to give up a couple of hobbies due to them being too expensive. Alternate Christmases etc.

I’m an adult now, happily married and have a great relationship with both my mum and dad (and step-parents/siblings). I can honestly barely remember my parents together, my younger brother and sister can’t at all. Although there are a couple of rubbish parts of the divorce that I can remember (i.e. having to share a room with my sister) they were fleeting and I have no trauma or feel any resentment towards my mum and dad due to their divorce.

My DH on the other hand has younger siblings, the youngest of which has just turned 18 and his parents are now splitting. The fallout has been awful. The 18 year old is suicidal and taking drugs to “cope” and his slightly older sisters are struggling and are in therapy. His parents have been unhappy for years and this has had an impact on the children’s self esteem, their relationships etc. I can’t say “staying together for the kids” has benefitted them in the slightest.

I would leave in your situation. Model to your kids that it’s okay to leave a relationship that is no longer making anyone happy.

One of my friends parents stayed together until he was 18 and he said it was very damaging as he knew growing up that his parents didn't love each other. He said he wished they had split when he was a lot younger as it would have saved a lot of heartache was the whole family.

Can’t agree with this more. Can tell you that your child won’t thank you for it. I’m the product of it, and I am still resentful in my mid 40’s that they put us through that instead of breaking up. It’s never better for the child long term.

I have said this before on here but I think a lot of posters come to threads like this with a very middle class outlook on life!
They mention having to sell the family home and downsize (no biggie, great!) Not so great if the family home is already a rented flat so separation means a long stay in a refuge or b&b while you wait for social housing which may or may not be somewhere you would choose to live.
There is usually talk of decent maintenance payments from the children's fathers big job which tot up nicely and afford the children their hobbies.....not so great if it is 7 quid a week taken from the fathers benefits.
Yes, some women choose to stay for themselves (how dare they!) as well as their children, it is massively underestimated on here how much quality of life children would lose if they have lower earning parents.

I thought like this. I knew my marriage was dead for a few years. We had 3 very young DCs. I thought the upheaval of separation would totally destroy my DCs world. Then, the resentment abojt the whole situation began to set in and my feelings became harder and harder to hide. I realised it was better to separate, and the DCs have two parents that don’t hate each other, than stay together for the sake of it and the environment grow increasingly more toxic. And I was right.
Actually leaving was hard. It was a big adjustment for everyone. But now a few years in, ExH and I actually get along brilliantly as friends, and Co-parent without any kinks so far. We spend Christmas and other holidays/celebrations all together without a problem. ExH and I will still call each other for help if we find ourselves in a pickle etc. I think we’ve got to the point where we’ve realised that we got married way too young, and yes, we did love each other - that was just our idea of what love was at the time. I still value ExH as one of my closest friends, but there’s no romantic attraction there whatsoever on either side. Turns out separating was actually what was best for our DCs.

I had every intention of staying in my marriage until the kids were older. My plan was to stay until I was 50, so they'd be in their 20's. Id still be there now.
I didn't stay. One day it just became very clear to me that I mattered and I couldn't live that existence any my.
It was the hardest time of my life. I left with nothing, took nothing because, after his initial devastation, my ex husband busied himself trying to destroy me emotionally and financially.

For a while he did.
I rented a flat with the kids being there 50/50. I was working on a low paid job. The rent and bills left me with nothing. He took the child benefit, so no small buffer there. But not worth the fight.
At times I had nothing in the fridge for myself on the days the kids were with him.
My parents offered no support. They actually went out of their way to make everything worse, they wanted me to give in and go back.
I met my partner during that time. That was around 15 years ago. Every penny I had was going on bills and when things got more serious and I realised we'd be together, my partner moved in and we saved every penny of our joint incomes and we eventually had enough for a low deposit shared ownership house. Our first home together.
Had I stayed until my 50th, I'd still be there until later this year.
Instead I have a happy home. A wonderful relationship, my kids are grown and happy, living their lives. I'm successful in my career, which I know I wouldn't have been so much without the drive to earn as much as I could and basically fill my fridge.
If id know the reality of how hard it would have been going it alone I don't know if id have had the courage to leave. But I'm so glad i did.

@LuckyDonna I really think your reply sums it up! Where is the OP's happiness factored into any of this? My partner and I split up two years ago now. I have been working full time with a two year old and it's been bloody hard (I work full time and work another job to ensure my child has a lovely life. Her dad is in severe debt)! However, for all the struggles I am much happier my daughter has a less stressed mother and she has quality time, where she is given so much love and attention by both sides of the family. We don't have bundles, but we have enough for treats and trips to soft play and cafes etc! It's not all rosey but we only have one life and spending it in an depressing relationship should not be the way to live.

OP the question is can you really live like this anymore? Don't you want to be happy?

Also, @LuckyDonna you should be so bloody proud of yourself. Don't want to sound patronising but you sound an amazing lady... with super strength. I have to say being a single mum gives you an inner strength you never knew you had xxx

This.

As a child from this situation, it teaches you some really weird things about relationships and affection. I never saw my parents hug, hold hands, sit on the same sofa, or even enjoy going out together. As a result no one in our family ever said 'I love you' to each other. I couldn't even say it to my parents now it feels so weird.

Exactly the same for me, @MyPurpleHeart. I knew before I was 10 that my parents didn't love each other, they had zero affection between them, and precious little was shown to us. My father did attempt to leave when I was 12, his plan was discovered by my mother at the last moment and for some reason she still stayed with him (I'm also pretty sure there was another woman involved, he cheated on my mother for the whole of their marriage). My father finally left - for another woman, naturally - 6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

I've never hugged my parents or my two brothers, never said 'I love you' to any of them, either...I just couldn't now, it would feel so false, because frankly I don't. I view my whole childhood as one big lie and have been having treatment for C-PTSD for the last 5 years. My mother still expects gratitude for staying - I think she was a fucking fool and an idiot.

I remember going to a friends house and seeing her parents interact - they actually seemed to like each other!
It made me realise how bad my parents relationship was, not much yelling just a total lack of love and warmth

I'll also add that neither myself or my two brothers have gone on to have children of our own. We are all in our 50s now so highly unlikely it will happen now. Our childhood was no good advertisement for the 'joys' of parenthood.

I waited (a long time) until the beginning of the summer holidays just after my son had taken his GCSEs. My daughter is three years younger so, to me, it was less time critical for her.

Best thing I ever did, and I sometimes think back and congratulate myself (a tad smug, I know) on how well I planned and did it. Nearly six years later I am still very happy and have had a lovely new partner for two years. And have a great relationship with my children.

Different for everyone, of course.

All the best to you, OP. Hope you find what works best for you

'I remember going to a friends house and seeing her parents interact - they actually seemed to like each other!'

I remember finding this weird too. I also remember when I was a young teen hearing adults talk about a woman whose husband had died and how devastated she was - I really struggled to make sense of it because all the women I knew seemed to loathe their husbands, my mother very much included! Honestly, you learn some seriously messed up stuff from growing up in an unhappy home

You exist beyond your children, and your marriage. Don't stay because you think the children will be better off. Stay because you want to and if you don't want to then leave. Staying 'for the kids' puts a huge pressure onto your relationship with them.

I'm in a loveless marriage and have been for 20 years; my youngest is 20 now.
It would have been impossible to split years ago when DC were young...and tbh I didn't want to...we actually work well as M&D...we just aren't husband & wife.
DC are all adults now. I'll be retiring in 8 years and plan to move back to Wales with or without him - his choice.
We don't argue or have rows...I just detest him and he irritates the shit out of me just being in my space (he knows all this) BUT we have a beautiful house and both do stuff independently of each other and we seem to just rub along as we have done last 20 years...we will go out together with friends but we'd never go out just 2 of us.
We've just accepted this is how we live. It works for us.

I also grew up in an unhappy home, parents didn't believe in divorce and are still together. My memories of my mum are as always angry, like a tornado, us kids constantly walked on egg shells and tried to be as small and quiet as possible. No one ever hugged or said "I love you" (we still don't, it feels weird).

Now we're older, my Dad is a shell of himself and my mum still resents him (he was/is a lovely man, and I don't believe he ever did anything "wrong", mum just had/has her own issues). All of us children have been in abusive relationships (and stayed in them for a long time - some are still in them) due to not knowing what a loving relationship is, having low self worth, not understanding boundaries etc.

Everyone's situation is different, but I don't think "staying together for the children" is necessarily the best thing either. In my house the unhappiness and resentment poisoned everything. Children know - and they worry about parents too. It still upsets me to see how unhappy my parents are.

Are you serious?! You are knowingly and deliberately keeping your DC in a situation where you suspect they are being abused? That charity sound shit, but surely to God you sought advice elsewhere rather than just accept that, leave it and not even investigated any further. I cannot believe multiple agencies advised you stay in a situation when you have said you suspect your DC are being physically as well as mentally abused?

Please please don't leave your children in this situation, apart from your own mental/physical safety how will they feel when they realise you suspected they were being abused but didn't do anything?

I can't link as I'm on the app but Refuge or Women's Aid provide advice and your local citizens advice should have details of local support organisations. Or speak to safeguarding lead at school? Have you even reported this to the police or social services? I can't reply any more as it's too personally upsetting, your post has made me feel sick. but please contact the above agencies and they can assist you to ensure your children's safety, or start a dedicated thread in relationships where you will get support and advice.

What @YouTarzan said.

I wish mine had stayed together to be honest. Their split was awful and I was moved from pillar to post with my awful mum who instigated it so she could be “happy” and then proceeded to end up with dead head after dead head. Moving to a flat when you lived in a nice house and listening to your mum shagging some Wanker isn’t much fun as a Teen I’ll tell you, so all these giving lots of advice to go, probably haven’t experienced this. It’s no picnic as a kid. I ended up moving out to my dads and she ended up married to some Tosser who treats her like shit. Well worth breaking up the family for!

I think a lot of people kid themselves that they're staying for the children, when actually they're just scared to leave
100%.

The children, who have never had a normal, loving relationship modelled, end up with a fucked up idea of what a relationship should look like.

The 'trauma' of a break up is caused by parents who cannot be grown ups and put their children first. They are guided by us and we influence how they manage and see things.

I was unhappy but wanted to stay "for the kids". He though made the choice to ended things. I now don't get to see my kids EOW, which I absolutely hate. I am also in a horrible financial situation, so am actually unhappier than I was in the miserable marriage. I am struggling with the standard of life my kids now have. Basic poverty. Not starving, but no money for anything extra. Life is a horrendous, neverending struggle.

Those saying leave, maybe you have supportive family. I don't.
Maybe you can give the kids quality days out. I can't.
They are least had their own rooms before.

I am so stressed with the extra work I have to take on to keep a roof over our heads. I do all the life admin, all the housework, all the school runs, all the driving to after school activities.
I am beyond unhappy. My kids hate living in this tiny flat. I have to share a room with my daughter. I see no way out. Not in this area. I will never afford a house.

Previous poster said she lifted herself out of her mess by moving a man in. I don't want to subject my kids to that, nor do I even have the room in the flat for a man, as it's crowded with just my kids and me, plus I don't even have a bedroom of my own.

So great. All of you leaving, it's really not always better the other side. I'm two years on, btw, and no matter how many hours I work, or even retrain to earn more, I simply am stuck renting, unless I relocate miles away, and I can't bear to uproot the kids away from their friends/school/area.

I think my kids would be better off in the family home, with both parents co-parenting. He now has a new gf in a home they share, my kids hate going there eow as ex really rushed things with her and they feel she is a stranger they have to see EOW, always around, never just their father and them, and they don't feel relaxed there. Nor do they even have a bedroom there, either.

Life is absolutely shit for my kids.

@Q12 im sorry you are struggling so much.

And I want to thank you for being honest.
im not sure people realise how privileged they are to say that they just fell back into their feet. Maybe we’re a bit poorer but that’s it.
That only works when you don’t end up on the bread line worrying about putting food on the table.
And the reality is that, just now, living on one wage, is only easily manageable if you have a good income. If you can only MW stuff… you’re stuck - let alone if you still need childcare etc….