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Original poster

If you’re staying in marriage for the sake of children

138 replies

Nametakenagain11 · 29/03/2023 12:43

How is it going?
how many years do you have left?
is it bearable?
really struggling with marriage at moment. We’ve just drifted apart. Nothing abusive or bad. I won’t break up the marriage till child is 18.

OP posts:
InBedBy10 · 31/03/2023 14:17

YouTarzan · 29/03/2023 14:41

I think a lot of people kid themselves that they're staying for the children, when actually they're just scared to leave.

This was me.

I was fully convinced I was doing the right thing for the children but if I'm being really honest with myshelf I was scared of being on my own.

The turning point for me OP is when I was watching TV with my 9 Yr old dd and a couple were hugging and kissing and being all lovey dovey with each other. My 9 Yr old turned to me and asked, " were you and dad ever like that?". It broke my heart hearing her say that. My ex and I were amicable and and I really thought we did a good job at hiding our problems. But there was no affection and the children obviously noticed it.

I didn't want my daughter growing up and thinking a relationship without affection was normal. Think hard about the example your setting.

ladykale · 31/03/2023 14:19

OriGanOver · 31/03/2023 11:45

@smizing pity for the dc!

I'm the least MN martyr but on this I do believe it's so much better for dc to live with both their parents and not have to be 'coparented' or shipped off to dads eow when there isn't abuse. Their childhoods are such a small amount of time.

It's not a judgement, more hindsite - I'm divorced and get on well enough with dcs dad. They would have had a much better life being in a two income household (and I don't earn poorly by myself) and not having various half and step siblings over the years.

Agree with this!

SpeccyHotdog · 31/03/2023 14:30

To be honest I don't plan on telling my kids I only stayed with their father because of them. That would horrendous to put on my kids

Once they are 18, I'll tell them we just grew apart and that this can happen.

In terms of modelling behaviour, I made a commitment to bringing my children up in a supportive and positive environment, and I'll see it out to the end and I would hope that if they chose to have children, they would do the same.

This does not mean that I expect them to stay in horrible relationship just for the kids. You weigh up the pros and the cons just like any other decision.

Plus, when I leave I'll not be seeking out another relationship, in my experience people are crap and I'd rather be on my own.

TheChoiceIsYours · 31/03/2023 14:39

People say that everyone who was a child of this says it was the wrong thing. Therefore it’s always the wrong thing.

But what about all the people who have no idea that their parents did this for them and would say the opposite if they knew the situation? People who might be hugely grateful if they realised that the secure and comfortable upbringing they had was a result of the parents deciding to put the children before a tolerable but over romantically marriage situation?

Im not saying it’s the right thing to stay in every case, I’m just pointing out that it’s a massively biased sample to only take into account the opinions of people who KNOW their parents did this for them. Arguably the ones who did it successfully will have the children who never realised. And no one can ask their opinions.

NerrSnerr · 31/03/2023 14:51

@SpeccyHotdog the problem is that you're assuming your children are stupid and won't see what's glaringly obvious. If you don't have a loving relationship with your partner the children will see that and realise you shouldn't have been together.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 31/03/2023 15:29

SpeccyHotdog · 31/03/2023 14:30

To be honest I don't plan on telling my kids I only stayed with their father because of them. That would horrendous to put on my kids

Once they are 18, I'll tell them we just grew apart and that this can happen.

In terms of modelling behaviour, I made a commitment to bringing my children up in a supportive and positive environment, and I'll see it out to the end and I would hope that if they chose to have children, they would do the same.

This does not mean that I expect them to stay in horrible relationship just for the kids. You weigh up the pros and the cons just like any other decision.

Plus, when I leave I'll not be seeking out another relationship, in my experience people are crap and I'd rather be on my own.

You won’t have to “tell” them. They’ll know. You’re naive if you think they won’t already sense the issues and be picking up on the fact that things aren’t right. I don’t know a single person who has been in the situation. You described and hasn’t come out horribly damaged by it. You’re setting them up for some really distorted ideas of what a healthy and loving relationship should look like. They won’t thank you for it.

OriGanOver · 31/03/2023 15:34

@gangannett well as a child of divorce I absolutely hated my parents splitting up and would have wanted them to stay together until I was an older teen. It was completely traumatising for me to only see my dad eow and the step parents and siblings. It was utter shit. I was passed pillar to post and didn't beling anywhere. Belonging is a basic need and it wasn't met in childhood/adolescence because of my parents divorcing. There wasn't any abusive in their marriage either. It was a selfish decision that deeply impacted on me and my siblings.

No one who says I wish my parents split - minus abuse - has any idea what it's like on the other side.

Bansheed · 31/03/2023 15:39

My parents divorced when I was 15. No abuse just not happy together. My brother and I were definitely happier, when they then became happier. Different strokes for different folks. I was no5 passed around, we became decision makers too.

OnaBegonia · 31/03/2023 15:50

Why would 18 be easier? that's a time of much change in teenagers lives, better 2 happy apart parents than miserable together.

Q12 · 31/03/2023 16:16

LuckyDonna · 31/03/2023 13:40

@Q12 I'm sure it was easier for me. I live in Scotland, it sounds as though you live in the south, Worlds apart in terms of property prices. A much smaller deposit and shared equity was what I was lucky to secure. It does sound like you'd have to move, but I know that's not on the table for you right now.

Yes, sadly so. It is impossible for me here.

Q12 · 31/03/2023 16:18

MyriadOfTravels · 31/03/2023 13:50

But what about the children!
You mean it would be better for them to move school , leave their friends, family, network all that for a house?
What about the father? Is ut ok now to take a child away from their dad?

(all might not apply to you@Q12)

Im annoyed at people assuming you can just start over. Move to the other side of the country, just work hard etc… wo ever taking into account PRACTICALITIES. Like the cost of childcare (and no it wasn’t the same 15 years ago), education (working hard isn’t enough to earn a good wave), having no family support etc…l And annoyed that what is usually considered selfish to do (like moving) is suddenly considered ok.

Show quote history

Yes. I can't move them again. That feels like more upheaval on top of what they've already been through. We do count our blessings, that we have a roof over our heads, and aren't literally starving, and we are healthy.

Everything else is awful for us, and I really can't see a way out right now.

Aishah231 · 31/03/2023 17:43

TheChoiceIsYours · 31/03/2023 14:39

People say that everyone who was a child of this says it was the wrong thing. Therefore it’s always the wrong thing.

But what about all the people who have no idea that their parents did this for them and would say the opposite if they knew the situation? People who might be hugely grateful if they realised that the secure and comfortable upbringing they had was a result of the parents deciding to put the children before a tolerable but over romantically marriage situation?

Im not saying it’s the right thing to stay in every case, I’m just pointing out that it’s a massively biased sample to only take into account the opinions of people who KNOW their parents did this for them. Arguably the ones who did it successfully will have the children who never realised. And no one can ask their opinions.

I agree with this - plus - as an earlier poster said - these adults are imagining a childhood similar to what they had but without the arguments. Throw in a bad divorce, neglectful father, step parents, step siblings, feeling pushed out, lower standard of living, i.e. all the things common after divorce and maybe those children might think differently. Basically it's complicated and sometimes staying might be the best option if there's no abuse.

Plut · 31/03/2023 18:04

NO. I genuinely cannot! And who says every woman that leaves will be living in poverty?

Ok, so I am one of the very few lone parent but high earning women. Fortunately as my children's father is not in their lives and I will not have another relationship they will not be at risk of enduring the horrors that I did at the hands of step parents, or having "blended families" that have been demonstrated to be psychologically harmful to children, etc. They won't be shunted around between homes.

I can provide a good home for them. But there is still a cost: their immense sadness at not having a father when their friends do. Them not understanding why and feeling abandonment. And having one parent only to do all the working and caring in 24 hours per day, so less family time, fewer opportunities for 1:1 time, a completely exhausted parent, and also undoubtedly a lower quality of life still than they'd have with two parents earning my income each.

However it pans out there is always a cost. As there will be for people who stay. The balance of what is the least damaging choice depends entirely on the circumstances. Some of the post here stating that it's always best to leave are naive. Sometimes, of course it will be. But not always. And the undeniable and often unacknowledged truth is that in the vast majority of cases, if parents do separate, it is far, far better for the children NOT to inflict step parents/ siblings on them. But that part is often conveniently ignored because so many parents are selfish.

Plut · 31/03/2023 18:06

Dating of course, or relationships if people want them is fine but there is absolutely no need for people to inflict an unrelated adult moving into a child's home when they've already been through the trauma of separation. It's utter selfishness. But so many of the posts about people leaving marriages seem to actively encourage this. All about the parents' needs, never the children.

Plut · 31/03/2023 18:15

You may think you’re doing the right thing by staying in the marriage, but from the perspective of a child who grew up in a house like this, you’re absolutely not.

It's comments like this that bother me. My parents really did NOT get on. And perhaps if they'd stayed together I'd be saying things like this. But the fact is that you don't know what the alternative would have been. For example, that you may instead have ended up with a step father who sexually abused you and raped you, and then being thrown out to live on your own as a 16 year old. Then you might look back and think actually, would growing up with my parents together, who argued with each other but in a home where I was safe, and not moving away from all of my friends, have perhaps been much better? From the perspective of the child.

Plut · 31/03/2023 18:23

Q12 · 31/03/2023 13:15

And to repeat my previous post in case anyone tells me I should move just further out, I'd need to move two hours out minimum, to possibly get a home big enough for us, impossible for access to the father eow, disruptive to the schooling, disruptive to their sense of roots in this area, their friends etc. So not something I think is better than our current dire situation. I tell myself the kids will really appreciate it when they can move out and start homes of their own. That's assuming this poverty hasn't impacted them so badly that their lives don't improve after all.

It's made me feel so sad to read about your situation. I am so sorry. You should be very proud, you are clearly doing everything possible for your children and putting them at the centre of all decisions to you can possibly made. I hope somehow things improve for you.

Choconut · 31/03/2023 18:29

If you get on fine then personally I think it's much better to stay. My mum and dad had a bit of a strange relationship, quite awkward and really not romantic at all but I would always have preferred them to stay together, I'd have been devastated if they'd split up. I also didn't think I needed to model my relationships on theirs! I'm very romantic, very affectionate, very loving. It's much more important that you feel loved by your parents and that they are there for you than you seeing them snog each other or tell each other that they love each other or whatever IMO.

All DS's peers that have divorced parents are definitely not happier than those whose parents are together, the boys particularly seem to really struggle wit their dad being gone.

Easterfunbun · 31/03/2023 18:31

@Choconut

Yes. Boys struggle immensely without their fathers. They need them.

KateFeather · 31/03/2023 18:36

The hardest thing I've ever done was telling my kids their dad and I were splitting up. It was a shock to them, as there was no shouting/arguments. However if I hadn't left him they wouldn't have had a mum because his sexual treatment of me was repulsive and it couldn't continue.
I've told nobody of the reasons and I've been judged by pretty much everyone .

stars345 · 31/03/2023 20:54

My parents divorced when I was 4. My dad left for a younger woman and left my stay at home mum destitute. My siblings and I were thrown into a step family and my mum married the first guy she met at a bar who could contribute to the household.
He was horrifically abusive, to just me.
My step family was constantly at war with my mum and her husband over the treatment of me.
It was fucking awful to grow up in all because of the selfish decisions my parents made.

We grew up in poverty as a result, as mums new husband refused to contribute for the children, he would only contribute to the house.

Do not underestimate the effect that poverty has on children. It severely affects their social and academic growth.
I couldn't go on day trips, school trips, never had new shoes, wore tatty hand me downs and didn't have any hobbies or clubs to attend. I had nothing. I was kicked out at 16 due to the step parent and unable to attend further education as I needed to get a full time job to support myself.

Having been subjected to an abusive step parent, poverty, severely restricted childhood, no access to higher education and a blended family, actually yeah I would of wanted them to stay together to be honest.

Q12 · 31/03/2023 22:22

Plut · 31/03/2023 18:23

It's made me feel so sad to read about your situation. I am so sorry. You should be very proud, you are clearly doing everything possible for your children and putting them at the centre of all decisions to you can possibly made. I hope somehow things improve for you.

Show quote history

Thank you.

Minimummonday · 31/03/2023 22:24

@stars345 that sounds awful and I am sorry but it’s more a reflection of your parents than divorce. It doesn’t sound like they’d have made non selfish decisions whatever had happened.

Q12 · 31/03/2023 22:25

stars345 · 31/03/2023 20:54

My parents divorced when I was 4. My dad left for a younger woman and left my stay at home mum destitute. My siblings and I were thrown into a step family and my mum married the first guy she met at a bar who could contribute to the household.
He was horrifically abusive, to just me.
My step family was constantly at war with my mum and her husband over the treatment of me.
It was fucking awful to grow up in all because of the selfish decisions my parents made.

We grew up in poverty as a result, as mums new husband refused to contribute for the children, he would only contribute to the house.

Do not underestimate the effect that poverty has on children. It severely affects their social and academic growth.
I couldn't go on day trips, school trips, never had new shoes, wore tatty hand me downs and didn't have any hobbies or clubs to attend. I had nothing. I was kicked out at 16 due to the step parent and unable to attend further education as I needed to get a full time job to support myself.

Having been subjected to an abusive step parent, poverty, severely restricted childhood, no access to higher education and a blended family, actually yeah I would of wanted them to stay together to be honest.

Hugs. I'm sorry.

This is what so many people fail to understand. It's definitely not always best for the kids for their parents to separate.
Your childhood poverty sounds like mine now. Except I am struggling along on my own, rather than bringing in a man like your mother did, for exactly the reasons you've stated.

Minimummonday · 31/03/2023 22:29

All DS's peers that have divorced parents are definitely not happier than those whose parents are together, the boys particularly seem to really struggle wit their dad being gone

people on this thread don’t seem to get that divorce doesn’t mean only seeing/ living with one parent. And if it does then the other parent is a fucking shit role person anyway so no loss.

Minimummonday · 31/03/2023 22:32

@plut I am a high earning single parent who has an excellent relationship with my child’s dad and 50/50 care. So I don’t fit any of your ‘everyone loses’ narrative. There are many of us….not very few