Am I wrong?

[Walkinthesunshine]

My daughter lives 5 minutes down the road from me (aged 30) and single. She is a very anxious person but we have tried to support her and helped her buy her first house, been to university etc, has a well paid job. She has a social life, not particularly brilliant because she can be difficult and we accept she is what she is. We have just paid off our mortgage and would like to move BUT we have found a property 22 miles away and she has gone mad saying we are leaving her, she wont be able to afford the petrol to visit, we have been sneaky and crying/hysterical to me over the phone. She has always been like this and still quite needy which has affected my mental health. I want to forget the whole idea because I can't stand the thought that I am doing something so terribly wrong? or am I?

Who sets the rules for you, in your life?

Of course you aren’t. She’s 30 and living independently. You can’t restrict your own life because she has social difficulties, and sometimes tough love is the way to go. Our mental health may not be our fault, but it absolutely is our responsibility: it sounds like it’s time for her to either explore therapy to get to the bottom of why she’s “difficult” and work in some mechanisms to improve that or at least not inflict it on others around her; or accept that her social and emotional relationships are never going to be what she wants from them because of her personality and behaviour.

By all means reassure her that you will still have a close relationship after you move and will come to visit; but be firm that she doesn’t have the right to dictate your life and that a 40 mile round trip for her to visit you (or a 20 mile one to meet you in the middle) is not insurmountable.

@Watchkeys Obviously not me? I didn't expect her reaction but I cannot cope with it either. My husband is fuming about it all. If I had been a better parent she wouldn't be like this? I feel I have failed and that I should stay because I am being the selfish one.

@ComtesseDeSpair thank you for your advice. I want to be there for her but I just feel torn when she is hysterical on the phone and telling me I have been sneaky! I honestly didn't think 20 miles was that far.

Obviously not me

Why?

Stop analysing your daughter's behaviour, and have a think about your own; you are an adult. She is an adult.

When did you learn that you were not in charge of yourself?

Seriously you are blaming yourself for not being a better parent? this is YOUR life and not hers. at 30 she needs to stand on her own two feet and if she is unable to due to mental health issues then its time to get professional help. you need to sit down with her and explain that whilst you will continue to offer her help and support you want to live your own life. she needs to recognise you wont be here for ever and what is she going to do then? I am torn between thinking she is being selfish and entitled or that she has some serious issues she needs to work through herself.

@Watchkeys probably the feeling that I should be there for her still and scared she will have a breakdown. I have always put everyone else first. I had a very emotionally draining mother (passed away now). If I was a good caring parent I would stay? She told me all her friends parents live close to them (I know thats not true!)

She is 30 and totally responsible for herself and her behaviour but it seems you have enabled this to happen

Start from now and keep to your plans

Is she an only child? Did she choose the house you helped her buy? I.e. whose idea was it to live so close to you?

I think moving away could be the making of her ? Putting distance between her and you might give her the space to be more independent. If you're always there at hand, she will never learn to stand on her own two feet. I don't think you are at fault, but you're possibly enabling her unknowingly, and you're clearly a very loving caring parent and take a lot of the emotional brunt of it. However. She is an adult now and you are craving freedom from that co pendency. And there is no harm in you and her seeking counselling for how you're feeling, you could do it separately or together .

I think whats the worst that can happen if you move, just go for it, you will both learn to adapt to the distance .

Without being blunt, she’s going to have to deal with neither of you being around at some point. A phased withdrawal from being so involved in and with her life is going to be better than a sharp, short shock. At least this way, you’ll be still around, just not as available, whilst she gets used to things.

Though regardless, I agree with everyone else so far, she’s 30 and doesn’t get to dictate your choices anymore.

You need to stop enabling this OP. There comes a point where you have to put your own oxygen mask on.

Tell anyone who blames you to get lost. Your daughter will get used to the new address and a bit of space might do everyone good.

@Kailee I have 3 children, my oldest is married with a child and lives about 2 hours away. My other one is about to go to university. The only way she would buy her own house (happened during the pandemic) is that she would be near to us. Living at home with us was a nightmare and we encouraged her to leave. My two other children are boys.

For goodness sake, 22 miles isn't even far! My work is further away than that. You can still be there for her without having to be in eachother's pockets. And calling you sneaky for living your own life without doing what? Asking for her permission to move? That's crazy.

I'm only 2 years older than your daughter, my mam only lives ten minutes up the road from me so I do understand the comfort of having your family so close by... But you're not thinking of moving to the moon, it'd be what a 30-40 minute drive away? Her reaction is very unreasonable and concerning. You can't carry the weight of whatever mental health struggles she has forever, at some point she needs to take responsibility for herself.

Thanks for the lovely encouraging comments to you all. I really appreciate them even tough love! I am crying my eyes out though!

How often do you see each other now and would it reduce much if you are now 22 miles away.

Perhaps you can reduce her anxiety by finding practical solutions to her objections.

Can you offer to give her some money for petrol?

I have a DD that can get very emotional egfailed first driving test, didn’t get the best marks on a uni course. I just go with the flow, offer support and validate her feelings. She takes a bit to calm down then we can discuss and problem solve together.

@Isheabastard Probably a couple of times a week - I work full time and have a full on hobby. She is very intelligent and will always come back with an answer to anything I suggest. I love her so much but am struggling.

Are you comfortable with being this way, in general, or does it impact you in other ways outside of this issue?

I would suggest some counselling as this sounds very co dependent. To call you sneaky makes me wonder where she gets the entitlement to say that to you??

Blimey, she's 30 not 18 and you're moving 20 miles away, not to Australia!
I appreciate she has anxiety etc but maybe now is the time for her to deal with this and her other issues professionally.
I hope you enjoy your new property!

@Watchkeys impacts on my whole life. Part of me even wants to sell my house and run away from it all.

Sorry but it does sound like there's something wrong with her: is she anxious, autistic, has she had any therapy at all in the past? These reactions are not typical of a 30 year old woman and on the surface look very manipulative.

I'm afraid that she's learnt that by kicking off you will give in, so the only way to move forward with your life is to break that cycle, turn on the broken record technique if necessary, and plough on ahead with your plans.

I have a similar but inverse problem with my mum being the needy clingy one and I resent her for it. You do have to be quite firm and unreactive, even if she gets under your skin. Work on your poker face.

Moving house is not sneaky.
22 miles is not that far away.
Of course she will have petrol money, presumably she's not living on the bread line? 🙄

@Kailee No she doesn't live on the breadline but likes to pity herself and say she does. We all have to be careful. She did have counselling about issues during the pandemic but then it tailed off and I didn't notice any benefit. She needs medication for her anxiety but won't. I have tried everything. Just feels it has all come to a head today with her hysterical on the phone to me. I was crying, she was crying and my husband was shouting and at the end of his tether as well! If it wasn't true you would think you were watching Eastenders.

She's emotionally blackmailing you op as probably did your mother.

Be calm firm smiley but you must not give in. YOU are entitled to live your life as you see fit shes 30 for goodness sake!

Bring a good parent is stepping back a bit. Do just that

Time to cut the cord OP. 30 years too late.