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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wrong?

59 replies

Walkinthesunshine · 29/03/2023 10:40

My daughter lives 5 minutes down the road from me (aged 30) and single. She is a very anxious person but we have tried to support her and helped her buy her first house, been to university etc, has a well paid job. She has a social life, not particularly brilliant because she can be difficult and we accept she is what she is. We have just paid off our mortgage and would like to move BUT we have found a property 22 miles away and she has gone mad saying we are leaving her, she wont be able to afford the petrol to visit, we have been sneaky and crying/hysterical to me over the phone. She has always been like this and still quite needy which has affected my mental health. I want to forget the whole idea because I can't stand the thought that I am doing something so terribly wrong? or am I?

OP posts:

aibutohavethisusername · 29/03/2023 11:33

Is there any chance that she may have BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder?

Original poster

Walkinthesunshine · 29/03/2023 11:35

@aibutohavethisusername very possibly yes but she would NEVER pursue treatment

OP posts:

Daleksatemyshed · 29/03/2023 11:37

Sorry Op but you're being daft. You've raised other DC who are independant so it's clearly not your parenting that's to blame. Your DD is 30 , not a child, though some of her arguments said childlike, the" all my friends parents live near them" sounds like " all my friends are allowed" you get from teenagers! Your DH's anger is understandable, you've devoted 30 years to being parents, now he'd like to move and he can see that going out the window because you're letting yourself be guilt tripped.
I know I sound hard on your DD but if she's capable of having a home and a job she can manage you living 20 miles away. It might help her deal with her issues when you're not immediately available

mondaytosunday · 29/03/2023 11:40

No if you stayed you would be reinforcing this behaviour. She needs therapy to work through whatever is preventing her from becoming an independent functioning adult.

Original poster

Walkinthesunshine · 29/03/2023 11:40

@Daleksatemyshed "Your DH's anger is understandable, you've devoted 30 years to being parents, now he'd like to move and he can see that going out the window because you're letting yourself be guilt tripped."

I feel so sorry for him because he has worked so hard and given them all so much and you are right - its all going down the toilet.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 29/03/2023 11:44

Walkinthesunshine · 29/03/2023 11:11

@Watchkeys impacts on my whole life. Part of me even wants to sell my house and run away from it all.

What would happen if you started doing what you wanted, instead of what other people think you should do?

Where/when did you learn to be this way?

What's the frustrated part of you inside screaming at you, at the moment? Can you put it into words?

NinaBernina · 29/03/2023 11:46

On the surface her behaviour seems very manipulative, classic “but what about meeeee?!” But as with most cases there are probably underlying causes that make her think and behave like this.
she is the only one that can fix that, and
unfortunately, the only tactic that works is to hold your ground. Remove the emotion from the situation and stick to the facts, easier said than done, I know. If you try to justify or placate her, she will use that as her next set of ammo.
Once she realises you mean it, she will likely ramp up the bad behaviour, and you will go through another level of hell, but again you need to hold firm.
I have a friend who is in the same position as you and it’s not easy, but consistency is key, and “No” is a complete answer.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/03/2023 11:55

Just go on with your plans @Walkinthesunshine . I'd be more sympathetic to your DD if she was trying to help herself but she's not, if she won't take therapy or medication she will never change.
If you give in now you'll end up in your old age still stuck in this position, with a middle aged DC who still wants you to be there all the time rather than cope herself. She'll hate it at first but this could be the making of her7

Collaborate · 29/03/2023 12:11

Sounds a little like my daughter, who has had a recent diagnosis of ASD.

I agree with the PP who suggested counselling for you all as a family. If she is on the spectrum she would respond negatively to a change such as this.

Snugglemonkey · 29/03/2023 12:21

22 miles is nothing. It is less than our commute!

Wishimaywishimight · 29/03/2023 12:24

You are not moving to Australia OP (and even if you were, you are perfectly entitled to do so). You have brought up your children to adulthood and should be allowed to now enjoy your freedom to do / live as you chose.

Your daughter is being selfish and hopefully will come to see that a little more independence will be really good for her.

Dancemonkee · 29/03/2023 12:24

I am a similar age and live very close to my parents. I have a child though, who loves living close to them.

I would be disappointed if they decided to move a drive away. I can't lie. It wouldn't feel great. I wouldn't go mad though, or call them selfish or sneaky or anything like that. I'd appreciate that the reasons they want to move are right for them and it's their lives.

Sounds like my relationship with my parents is perhaps more equal and reciprocal though to be honest. Not sure what you gain from being so close to her, she gains your support on tap.

gamerchick · 29/03/2023 12:27

You could always say you've seen a house you love that's 70 miles away and which would she think she would prefer . One or the other. 22 miles might not seem as bad then

Dery · 29/03/2023 12:31

I think you would be wrong not to go ahead with your own plans. Indulging your DD’s unreasonable behaviour isn’t helpful to her because it allows her to stay stuck in a life that’s not the best life for her. And keeps you stuck. It’s very hard. As a loving mum, your instinct is to give your DD what she wants. But what your child wants and what she needs can be 2 different things.

MarieRoseMarie · 29/03/2023 13:21

Daleksatemyshed · 29/03/2023 11:37

Not convinced this is true. The other two are boys and this is a girl. Possibly the stunted golden child?

Choconut · 29/03/2023 13:37

If she's always been like this this then rather than BPD I'd be wondering about what would have Aspergers but is now ASD. You say she is very intelligent, very anxious, always been very needy, struggles with change/transitions, has a social life but it's 'difficult'. I'd say that sums up someone with ASD pretty well!

She needs support, kindness and time to come to terms with this and see that it will be ok. Reassure her all you can, tell her how it will work and understand that this is a big change for her and really hard.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/03/2023 13:40

@MarieRoseMarie it's possible that the Op has been more protective of her DD, though I think the word stunted is rather harsh. I do think DMs know which of their DC need more help but the DC sometimes play on that, look how many otherwise sensible women on here still pander to their sons

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 29/03/2023 14:06

You know deep down that this situation isn't right OP. You know it's ok for you to live 20 miles away from your 30 year old daughter.

You can't change the way she handles things, the same as you can't force her to go to the GP or take medication for her anxiety.

What you can do is look into counselling to help you manage your feelings around this. Find some ways to handle the guilt you feel and how to way put yourself first.

Continue with your move, agree how you're going to handle your daughters reaction together with your DH.
My advice would be to explain to her - once - that you're going to be moving and she needs to have a think about what she needs to be ok about that.
If she shouts, cries, calls you sneaky etc, end the conversation, hang up the phone, tell her she doesn't get to talk to you like that. It's ok to put boundaries in place about this, the same as you would have when she was a child.

FartSock5000 · 29/03/2023 16:41

@Walkinthesunshine you're approaching this all wrong. You should feel very angry at her selfish, childish behavior.

Tell her that the world doesn't revolve around her wants and needs despite her thinking it does! Tell her she is 30 years old and an adult and your job is to love her, not be her emotional punching bag while she has a selfish tantrum because you are finally doing something for yourself and you tell her that she had better apologise or else!

Then you do not engage until she does.

Your parental guilt will make you grovel but you have to stop or you will be used by this feckless overgrown child until you have nothing left to give.

Move away, stop running to her. She just might then to learn to navigate the world on her own.

scoobydoo1971 · 29/03/2023 17:52

You have been very kind and supportive of your daughter. But your behaviour is enabling as she has not been forced to be independent. There is no motivation for her to change if you keep basing your life choices around her self-defined needs. It is time to focus on what you and your husband want. She can whatsapp and zoom you from anywhere in the world. I remained close to my parents wherever I was based in the UK and Europe.

Original poster

Walkinthesunshine · 03/04/2023 09:23

Thank you all for your kind replies. Haven't really got an update apart from more tears and a hysterical daughter. Funny how you raise them to be independent and this happens!

OP posts:

DemelzaandRoss · 03/04/2023 09:38

The posters here expressing harsh views may not have experience of having an adult child who suffers from anxiety.
In fact the views are straight from the ‘pull yourself together’ type of suggestion.
Clearly your daughter is suffering. Please help her to get the help she needs. Our family has been in a similar ish situation. Fortunately the family member had a caring GP and appropriate medication & counselling was arranged.

Original poster

Walkinthesunshine · 03/04/2023 09:45

@DemelzaandRoss Thank you but we have tried to get her help over the years but she refuses to engage. Its very much like a Jekyl and Hyde situation. Some of the replies have been harsh but I am sure meant to help us. She will not accept she has a problem and it just goes on so really unless we give into her (for a quiet life!) we are stuck!

OP posts:

DemelzaandRoss · 03/04/2023 09:48

@Walkinthesunshine I do empathise with you. Such a complicated situation all round. Our family member is the same age. Luckily they did accept help. Good luck. 💐

Mamma2bee · 03/04/2023 11:00

Your daughter seems very co dependent. She's 30 years of age and from what you've described she is not a vulnerable adult therefore she's being very unreasonable. You shouldn't feel bad about your life choices. I'm sure this is so hard but your daughter does not get to dictate.

I'm the other way about with my family, when I moved out my mum at 25 my mum accused my partner of stealing me away (we live 25 mins away) and kept texting me that everyone missed me etc and tried to make me feel guilty and it was absolute hell to the point where I wanted to run away because I felt like duty bound to my parents but knew that I had to move on with my life and that they were being unreasonable.

I think you need to have a calm frank conversation with your daughter maybe just the two of you and see where it goes? I know you said she's very intelligent but it sounds more like emotional manipulation

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