Am I wrong?

[Walkinthesunshine]

My daughter lives 5 minutes down the road from me (aged 30) and single. She is a very anxious person but we have tried to support her and helped her buy her first house, been to university etc, has a well paid job. She has a social life, not particularly brilliant because she can be difficult and we accept she is what she is. We have just paid off our mortgage and would like to move BUT we have found a property 22 miles away and she has gone mad saying we are leaving her, she wont be able to afford the petrol to visit, we have been sneaky and crying/hysterical to me over the phone. She has always been like this and still quite needy which has affected my mental health. I want to forget the whole idea because I can't stand the thought that I am doing something so terribly wrong? or am I?

Oh OP this is so difficult and if you love her you obviously just can't bear the thought of her being unhappy.

I think at the end of the day though, this move might be the best thing that's happened to her. It's going to be really tough for her at first, but I suspect she'll get used to phone calls replacing regular visits sooner than she thinks, and visiting you once maybe a week would become more of an event with the travel involved.

I think if you can stay calm but resolved (and don't cry) while reassuring her how much you still love her, I think she's probably going to be ok, and in time it might make her a lot stronger emotionally.

She is yanking your chain. She has learned that if she stamps her foot, winds herself up and has a huge meltdown, she gets her own way.
She is 30 years old, an adult.
Does she behave like this at work?
Or just when she want to manipulate the family.
You have to step back. Live your own life with your husband.
Moving away will literally give you breathing space, and make her grow up.
Otherwise this will be the situation for the rest of your lives.. is that how you want to live?
As an adult, her mental health is her responsibility... just like her bills, her job, her laundry.
Make your move and do not rise to the blackmail.

Some of you just don’t get it.
Our family member didn’t commit suicide but it was close & dreadfully worrying at the time.
Being classed as an Adult who needs to be responsible for their own mental health isn’t always the best course of action.

22 miles?
😂😂😂

Don't let yourself be manipulated by DD's ludicrous response.
People commute further than that to work every day.
DD is 30. You have given her a secure start in life, time she started acting on it.

Stop suggesting.
Start stating.

Above all - do not allow DD to draw you into JADE'ing. It sounds like she is accomplished at it, & uses it to make you comply with her will.
https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

"We are moving, it is only 22 miles, you are an independent 30 year old with a good job, you will cope, like everyone else does. You don't get to dictate other people's life choices."

Any pushback - just repeat, repeat, repeat (broken record technique).
That way you don't get drawn into JADE, just keep reiterating your position.

Once she realises you mean it, she will likely ramp up the bad behaviour, and you will go through another level of hell, but again you need to hold firm.

@NinaBernina right - expect an Extinction Burst, but know that it will dissipate if you weather it, refuse to engage with tantrums, & don't fall prey to JADE.
https://www.parentingforbrain.com/extinction-burst/

Of course we get it Demelza.
We also get the fact that the DD refuses any treatment - pharmaceutical or therapeutic.

Your family, & relative, were fortunate in that the relative took respsonsibility by accepting help. That isn't an option here.

Sounding badass @Watchkeys, there is no messing with you. I like it ⚡👍🙂

I agree with a pp it sounds like undiagnosed on the spectrum possibly...difficult relationships, High anxiety, rigidity, trying to control the environment due to difficulty regulating emotions.

Thing is...ut may be a lifelong issue but the answer to the anxiety is not capitulation. The world cannot reorder itself to make everything comfortable to the person with it. So they must learn the skills needed to regulate themselves. Clearly the logistics are not the real issue, 20 miles twice a week is not insurmountable. So it's purely emotional.

Putting a line down isn't bad parenting, allowing children to feel negative emotions and learn the skills to deal with them is positive. You can be empathetic and offer reassurance, ask what's really troubling her about it, but ultimately when it comes to the question of not moving...this is how it is. Stay calm and don't get dragged into the heightened emotional turbulence.