Friendships, why are they so hard?

[ReformedWaywardTeen]

I've never been very good at making friends.

I'm now late 40s and have about two friends, but they still live in my home town so I very rarely see them and we don't tend to text or stuff (busy lives, children etc).

As a result, my life consists of my DH (huge amount of friends, uber confident, very good looking for a guy in his late 50s and looks about 40), DD and DS.

I've tried since being a Mum to make friends for the good of my DCs. Both are now mid teens. DS is shy (has SEN) but has a lovely friendship group. DD is more like their Dad but recently fell out with their oldest friends because of a boy (not due to DD, who is gay, boy didn't like her and made her life miserable, typical teen girl silliness when boys are involved).

However, anytime I've thought I've made friends, eventually, just as I'm getting used to it, enjoying it, something happens and they either ghost me or get nasty.

It started at school where I was literally the school joke. I felt like a leper at school, boys would say stuff like "eugh ain't that your bird" so the boy they said it to would go "what that thing" and they'd all laugh. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17.

My SILs bar one don't like me, don't include me in family stuff when the women go out. I have no contact with my own family, my mum made no secret of her disappointment in me compared to my younger siblings.

How I met DH and made him want to be with me I've no idea. He's such a huge force.

We moved from my home town when DD was born. Schools I thought meant friends. Nope. They were toxic, very posh and I'm not. I was quiet and unassuming, never pushy, it's not in me to be. But I was just ignored, never invited to mum meet ups.

We moved again due to necessity and I actually made a group of mum friends. Except the leader decided after a year she didn't like me and that was it. She was incredibly nasty about me. And I've honestly tried to work out why and can't. I literally am polite I don't make waves and I help out as much as I can when someone needs help. But it wasn't good enough

I joined DHs friendship group and they don't like me either. One was outright rude to me at one point but then they moved away. I posted on here though that DH pushed me to have a birthday dinner and no one turned up, messaged, phoned. Nothing. He has carried on speaking to them and seeing them which hurts actually. They humiliated me.
He said they all had excuses.

I think it's now effecting my marriage. He said he doesn't know why I don't want friends. That it's "weird" and that I'm constantly miserable.

But I feel so done with trying to be a good person and make people like me and inevitably they don't. I'm not someone who argues or foists my opinion on others. Some of the group are very political but I don't join in with that because I worry they will hate me quicker

I am baffled. Considering my own mum rejected me is it any wonder others do?

I don't want to lose DH but every time another group dismisses me I feel like he starts to think I'm not worth it either. Friends are everything to him.

Am I just that unlikeable?

Does anyone else have this issue? Why can't I make friends? Why when I do do they end up hating me? Is it weird that I would rather just not bother after so many negative rejections?

They were just horrible not turning up for your birthday.
Why can't your husband "get it" ?
My dh is a bit like yours who thinks almost everyone is great even when they've shown by their behaviour that they really aren't.
Is he right to take this approach ? Probably not.
But he's happy.

I do think the one man who did turn up is someone who showed you he's mire decent than the rest if them.

@ReformedWaywardTeen this is a very odd situation. There are two things that stand out for me. One is that none of them showed up to your event. The other is the filthy look one of them gave you at the petrol station.
From these two things I would be strongly suspecting some misinformation about you is at play behind the scenes.
Now, since your DH seems to think there's nothing wrong, he must not be aware of any misinformation.
Could it be one of those bizarre events that sometimes happen in life? Perhaps you have a double and someone saw 'you' out with another man! Perhaps you once said something innocent but someone misheard you?
If I were you I would need to get to the bottom of this. Could you reach out to the person who gave you the filthy look? I think it would be better than spending years potentially being misunderstood at best or slandered at worst.

nothanging loved your post. Are you a counsellor?

I think they should have been called out on their crap attitude op. Not nice. I do feel these group friends can be hard work. Its hard know isnt it..

I agree with you @Mary46 and I think the husband is too scared to do it.

Agree Joan. Feel for the op. I just wouldnt make plans again with those friends

Looking at it from a different perspective. You mentioned your DS has SEN? Is this autism?
I wonder if you also have these traits? Sometimes neurodiverse people struggle with friendships. I am neurodiverse and struggle too but I do put myself out there and express opinions and don't sit on the fence. I have hobbies and interests to discuss with people too. Perhaps find a hobby to take part in, you may find like minded people and it gives you another thing in your life to discuss with people.
You need to step outside your comfort zone every now and then to grow. Also I agree with more counselling to do with your childhood. You could have attachment and abandonment issues.

Oh @Pasithean I am sorry. Is there anything in hour life that brings you joy ?

I don’t blame you for not wanting to see them and you are being very reasonable in not going to the pub with them and pretending all is fine.
If your husband stuck up for you and obviously had your back they would not have done such a cruel and frankly childish thing. They are only asking your husband about why you don’t come as a way to hammer home the othering of you.
He is more concerned about the opinions of people he has known six years than his actual wife.

No not really not anymore. Due to the “opiate drugs” problem. I’ve had my painkillers stopped. Mostly bed bound now.

Thank you. No, I'm not a counsellor. But I have done a fair bit of self help and also helped DS who is autistic, and went from having no friends, and being turned on by a friendship group in the way OP described, to being extremely popular in several circles and really building his social confidence and skill.

One other thing I meant to say is not to assume proper friends have to be in similar circumstances as you. One friend of DS is 70+ and DS is onl;y 20 but they share a couple of niche interests and this old guy is an expert in one of them. They meet for coffee and talk about this niche interest and bump into each other at parties sometimes. It's sweet, and good for both of them.

A PP suggested just get busy and I think that is brilliant advice. That's how DS got past being bullied and ditched by one group of 'friends' and found a proper group of friends instead.

@NotHangingAround best advice I've read on here in a long time - Thank you!

OP - I have been in your shoes read @NotHangingAround advice, it's spot on

@Pasithean I am sorry to hear that there is nothing in your life that brings you joy.
What were your interests before you became bed bound ?

Thank you for replying up until the new painkiller regulations came in I was a walker , horse rider, artist and ran my small holding with my OH. Now nothing.

That is a lovely post. Really inspirational.

hi op, I just came across this guy on youtube, I've just ordered his book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Laws-Human-Nature-Robert-Greene/dp/1788161556
if you get the chance to watch some interviews with the author Robert Greene he has some very interesting insights about how people work, how to understand their motivations, how to connect with other humans, how to read people, how to make / keep friends, avoid toxic relationships and people etc. Might be of interest to you! I love his videos but not yet read the book - he has a number of other interesting looking books too. I think there might be some good insights that could help you in his work.

Some great advice here (@NotHangingAround and @CreationNat1on). I found that once I acquired one or two new friends, I suddenly seemed to attract quite a lot more.