Friendships, why are they so hard?

[ReformedWaywardTeen]

I've never been very good at making friends.

I'm now late 40s and have about two friends, but they still live in my home town so I very rarely see them and we don't tend to text or stuff (busy lives, children etc).

As a result, my life consists of my DH (huge amount of friends, uber confident, very good looking for a guy in his late 50s and looks about 40), DD and DS.

I've tried since being a Mum to make friends for the good of my DCs. Both are now mid teens. DS is shy (has SEN) but has a lovely friendship group. DD is more like their Dad but recently fell out with their oldest friends because of a boy (not due to DD, who is gay, boy didn't like her and made her life miserable, typical teen girl silliness when boys are involved).

However, anytime I've thought I've made friends, eventually, just as I'm getting used to it, enjoying it, something happens and they either ghost me or get nasty.

It started at school where I was literally the school joke. I felt like a leper at school, boys would say stuff like "eugh ain't that your bird" so the boy they said it to would go "what that thing" and they'd all laugh. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17.

My SILs bar one don't like me, don't include me in family stuff when the women go out. I have no contact with my own family, my mum made no secret of her disappointment in me compared to my younger siblings.

How I met DH and made him want to be with me I've no idea. He's such a huge force.

We moved from my home town when DD was born. Schools I thought meant friends. Nope. They were toxic, very posh and I'm not. I was quiet and unassuming, never pushy, it's not in me to be. But I was just ignored, never invited to mum meet ups.

We moved again due to necessity and I actually made a group of mum friends. Except the leader decided after a year she didn't like me and that was it. She was incredibly nasty about me. And I've honestly tried to work out why and can't. I literally am polite I don't make waves and I help out as much as I can when someone needs help. But it wasn't good enough

I joined DHs friendship group and they don't like me either. One was outright rude to me at one point but then they moved away. I posted on here though that DH pushed me to have a birthday dinner and no one turned up, messaged, phoned. Nothing. He has carried on speaking to them and seeing them which hurts actually. They humiliated me.
He said they all had excuses.

I think it's now effecting my marriage. He said he doesn't know why I don't want friends. That it's "weird" and that I'm constantly miserable.

But I feel so done with trying to be a good person and make people like me and inevitably they don't. I'm not someone who argues or foists my opinion on others. Some of the group are very political but I don't join in with that because I worry they will hate me quicker

I am baffled. Considering my own mum rejected me is it any wonder others do?

I don't want to lose DH but every time another group dismisses me I feel like he starts to think I'm not worth it either. Friends are everything to him.

Am I just that unlikeable?

Does anyone else have this issue? Why can't I make friends? Why when I do do they end up hating me? Is it weird that I would rather just not bother after so many negative rejections?

Who's Paddy?

But I feel so done with trying to be a good person and make people like me

if you think about it, this isn’t what you need to have friends - lots of imperfect, even unpleasant people have friends! The best friendships are when people understand who you really are and can share in that - not when you try your hardest to be good.

One of my friends (long distance now) is such a bitch. She can be selfish and unthinking, but she’s very, very funny and often hits the nail on the head and says things that I was thinking but didn’t dare say. Then we laugh about it. She’s not trying to be good, she’s just who she is and she’s not always nice. But she is genuine and we get on because we both value that.

Another is a Christian (I’m not) and very gentle and kind. We share a love of crafts and go to exhibitions, but I wouldn’t be sweary and indiscreet with her! You can’t have everything from or give everything to every friend, and you don’t have to try.

It is rough, OP. Some of us just lack charisma. I don't know why.

Curious, how did you and your husband get together in the first place, as you are so different.

It could be that, due to the abuse that you experienced, it makes it more difficult to see unhealthy behaviour in others and to root out people that are not worthy of your friendship or just not right for you.

How someone treats you reflects on them. If they treat you poorly, you are not to blame. It’s their behaviour and they are responsible for it. It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking it’s down to you. It really is not.

Perhaps the only difference is that some people might find it easier to see the red flags and not pursue a friendship with that person, or just see them as an acquaintance. Maybe your childhood makes it more difficult to for you to do that. Sometimes we are drawn to what seems familiar.

You are worthy of good friendships and belonging. It’s almost like we need to learn to belong to ourselves first and develop our own sense of value. It’s also possible you just haven’t found your tribe yet.

I have found the following people really helpful in building self-worth, dealing with past trauma and developing boundaries:

Pete Walker, Tara Brach, Kristin Neff, Nate Postlethwaite, Bianca Sparacino, Arielle Schwartz, Dr Jessica Taylor, Dr Terry Lynch, Brene Brown, Gabor Mate.
Susan Cain is good on introversion.

I love this quote by Kristin Neff: “Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you're good enough, self-compassion asks, what's good for you?”

DH is very different. I've never really understood why I ended up with him as he's gorgeous, funny, just nice and I was very much not the type he got together with before me, he had stunning women before me

But he married you … I have a suspicion you may also stunning and nice, you just don’t realise it?

Paddy o gorman. Paddy's podcasts

We met right at the end of my wild period. I had been out of my parents home and n/c with them for 3, nearly 4 years at that point. I had gone from a room in a shared home for teens, to a flat. I knew someone via where I lived whose boyfriend was DHs friend from work.
When he met me I would drink the fear of being around people away. It's true what is said about drunks being the life and soul and masking everything with booze. I certainly did. I had no parental control anymore and having been told what to do my entire life and what to think, I literally took the piss and I'm surprised I didn't end up hurt or worse because I didn't care what happened to me.
He showed me I didn't need to do that, and we ended up together. I've always felt like he felt sorry for me, he has a huge family and they were always out, had gatherings as a kid, everyone knew his parents and loved them.

I think that you need to put yourself out there for friendships to develop and also to instigate (even though that can be scary).

It's easiest when you see people every week because you are doing something together.

There does seem to be a lot of issues going on for you about friendship and although you have had counselling in the past I think some more could potentially really help you.

It sounds like you have a very good marriage op. He wants you to be happy, even if he is being a little bit of a dick about it.

Did you go into your previous counselling with an open mind and willingness to put the work in or did you expect the counsellor to say or do something in particular? Did you believe he or she would also reject you?

Obviously the personality of therapist is really important. I couldn't work with someone who just sat there saying nothing. But once you find someone you like and who is prepared to listen and try to understand you, beyond all that the ball is in your court because you only get out what you put in. It sounds like a poor self worth is at the root of all this and to deal with that takes a lot of work and trust in the process. It means going right deep into your inner child and giving her compassion and healing. Its not just a case of talking about your upbringing and current issues for an hour and leaving. You have to be vulnerable.

OP, this thread just screams self-sabotage. I feel for you.

Your defensive coping mechanisms make perfect sense given your childhood of abuse and rejection, but they are preventing you making meaningful connections.

You’re on the alert for snubs and rejection. Once you’ve decided someone has rejected you, you tell us you cut them out of your life and find that easy to do.

On this thread alone you’ve half convinced yourself your marriage is over.

I think good, in-depth therapy to address your trauma would help enormously, but you’d have to commit to the process and put in the work. It’s hard going, I know.

Once you accept and love yourself, and no longer fear rejection or are on a hair-trigger for being snubbed, you’ll be more self confident (a very appealing trait). And you won’t experience anything like the rejection because you won’t be subconsciously seeking it.

I did yes.

It was at a time when DH had said he wanted us to think about having children. I was so scared because I've never really understood my mother's behaviour towards me compared to my sister (or I hadn't at the time). She was a wonderful mother to my younger sister but openly hated me, she didn't even attempt to disguise it. She would often introduce us to people my dad worked with (probably the only time we really had a social outlet as children) as "this is (younger sister) she is doing this this this and she's so pretty isn't she? Grammar school too. Oh and this is (me)." She once said that a boy my sister liked was not good looking enough for her and would be better suited to your sister. Honestly it was horrific.

So I had resisted for ages about having children in case I suddenly changed and didn't like them. So I asked for counseling and explained.

The counselor was lovely and did suggest that what she did to me wasn't my fault. I was a child. She didn't have rights to be so off with me. And that it didn't mean I would be the same way.
And I'm not. I love them both, they are both so very different but amazing and I can't imagine treating them like I was treated.

But inside the counseling becomes of that and it did help but not really with the friends thing. The counselor said that some people just prefer their own company, and that if i was happy without then fine.

I don't mind DH having friends as they make him happy, and if course, I would love to experience that. But I never do.

I really do think this is a much bigger issue than finding it difficult to make / keep friendships and that your previous counsellor didn't go deep enough. I think she did her job at the time and reassured you that you wouldn't end up being like your mother and that it wasn't your fault that she treated you do poorly - but it wasn't the right type of therapy to explore the lasting damage it has done to you. Have you ever looked at Cptsd and read up on the effects of toxic parenting? If so, Does any of it resonate?

OP - are you in a different part of the UK to most of us? I ask, because my DM is an escapee from one particular part that is very odd, very insular and very divided, and it rang several bells with me. It may not be you, it may be the small-town mentality of where you grew up.

I'm like this too. I'm shy and come across as aloof though I'm really just anxious. At times in my life I've made a huge effort to be more open and friendly and folks seem to end up running in the opposite direction as fast as they can. Occasionally someone will like me and want to be buddies and then I gradually find out that they have some kind of major issue that ends up exhausting me. I've refocused on hobbies I like and I have a good relationship with my son and a very few other people.

I think the problem with DH is he sees the best in everyone and sadly that's led to some not great outcomes over the years. I seem to get the measure of people better than him. He grew up with a mum who was the type of person who fed anyone who was hard done by, she was known for it. And he's picked up on that attitude of everyone is wonderful and good.
I'm the opposite. I have trouble trusting anyone, and at times I've seen someone is taking advantage months before he figures it out.

I do stress I have a sense of humour. I really do. But I don't appreciate the whole no one showing up to my birthday. I don't think I'd have been as upset if people had of called or messaged but nothing on the day. And still no attempt to contact me and say sorry.

He actually said that people asked again yesterday why I've not been in. I can't understand why they haven't figured it out that I've not seen any of them since they all stood me up. That to me suggests they are so self involved they can't see the upset their rudeness caused.

He was so dismissive of it yesterday again. To the point I just refused dinner and went upstairs on my own. He called me ridiculous but I said I'm sick of their supposed upset at my not coming along being shoved down my throat when he seems to be entirely ignorant or uninterested in how their behaviour made me feel. I said he fails to acknowledged my thoughts, feelings and wellbeing.

I actually saw one of them in the petrol station a week ago. I was in the car waiting for DH to pay for petrol. We made eye contact and she gave me the most filthy look. So I don't believe they all suddenly had plans. I think it was deliberate they didn't show up.

I've even had to tell DH I don't want to hear about them, he kept saying little things about their news and it was getting on my nerves as I don't care I don't want to know. To my mind they're erased. I have no interest.

And again to those suggesting or asking about hobbies/groups there's aren't any here. I've also had counselling. And no, no neurodivergence as been assessed.

Did your dp confront them about them not showing up?

I think your husband is very reliant on these 'friends' and in order for him to have them around, he wants to keep the status quo he had before, you coming along/accompanying him, makes his life a little easier and no questions asked.

Trouble with situations like this is (I think) your husband doesn't feel (stupidly) he needs to 'consider' you, he is confortable in his relationship with you, almost unconditional, however, his 'friends' need to be constantly 'considered' in order to keep up a relationship that is absolutely not unconditional. This happens a lot, close friends and family/partners etc are taken for granted over those 'we' feel the need to be constantly nurtured. I've been the victim/witness of this.

I think counselling is a foundation to build upon, and it needs to be implemented daily, it becomes part of your daily routine. I think when we've had counselling, we feel better, so we think we are 'cured'.

OP you've every right to feel upset, and your DH is not being supportive of this, and I would not want to be a part of this group, as if they can treat someone this way, why would you want to be?

You ARE ok, but you have to believe that yourself. I think those 'friends' see that you're not as 'useable' as your DH.

I hope you find some peace in all of this, start with yourself, learn to like/love yourself, talk to yourself like a parent to that child who felt alone/afraid/maligned/misunderstood, make her feel loved, cherished and worthy.

Very supportive

Why are you attacking me? I posted about the dinner but I've said here that it just feels like friendships as a whole are difficult for me and it's my DH who doesn't get that I really prefer from here not to bother. Did you read any of the thread or did you just decide to be nasty immediately?

If you don't have anything constructive please leave the thread.

No, he said that he saw them the next afternoon and they all had a collection of excuses. So he didn't confront them or tell them I was hurt or felt humiliated. He still sees them all almost daily and has been more bothered by them asking him why I don't show up anymore and moan at me that it makes things awkward for him. I feel like he cares more about their feelings than mine.

I'm clearly addressing it by asking for advice and what I may have done that causes this.

I literally behave as everyone does in groups but I get ghosted.

And I don't bring up my family history in groups, I don't understand why you assume this. DH obviously knows because I was already well and truly N/C with family when I met him. He has a huge family and of course asked about mine and I explained we don't have contact.
He tried to suggest we work through issues and have a relationship, I then had to explain more of why this isn't workable.

And all that was wel before he met this current group of friends. Well before..we've moved a few times and this lot are a group of the last probably about 6 years give or take a few newer people.

Your tone is exactly what I mean about people immediately hate my guts.