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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to support the guy I like after he’s been through domestic violence

114 replies

LimpetsMummy · 27/03/2023 22:47

Hi after a 7 year break from relationships I’ve got back on the dating horse. I’m 45 met a guy the same age, have loads in common, we really like one another & keen on seeing where things go.

we are great friends & I am keen that regardless of what happens we try & keep that friendship. Like any potential blossoming relationship there’s ups & downs (more ups than anything) but he has been through domestic violence & understandably has a lot of blocks/defences in place. he’s never been married but I have we also have 3 kids each. I’m more wear your heart in your sleeve show/say how you feel & he’s very reserved. He does little things to surprise me like sends me gifts when I least expect it, the breakthrough came at the weekend when he was complimenting me & said I love you, you are amazing which I wasn’t expecting. He knows how I feel has for months but is a man of few words so when he shows it it’s so special. I’m not going anywhere and reiterate that I want to show him my support, understanding & help him learn to love himself as well as loving others & accept he is worthy of a relationship.

Such hurdles I’ve faced are he opens up a tiny bit but then I think he feels he’s showed too much of himself and the walls go back up, I’ll try and get him to come out just for drinks, bit of food & a laugh just to relax but haven’t managed to get him to do that yet. Is there any advice anyone can give or has been through a similar set up. How did things work out for them? I’m happy with baby steps, slow & steady approach but conscious I don’t want to hurt anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
LimpetsMummy · 27/03/2023 22:48

How to start a relationship with a guy who’s been through domestic violence

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 27/03/2023 22:58

How long have you been seeing him?
It's just you say starting. But he's already saying 'I love you's' umm...you know what love bombing is right? Just checking thats not going on here?

I don't want to burst your bubble but...there really shouldn't be ANY downs early on in a relationship. Relationships should be as easy as breathing. Especially in the early days when its all fun.

Also, yes, men can absolutely be the victims of domestic violence. We all know horrible women.

But it concerns me that you say he can be a closed book...yet he's already told you he was the victim of domestic violence?

Just be careful that this isn't an example of 'my exs are crazy' used by abusive men in order to a. Get you to pity them. And B. Discredit anything you might hear about him from an ex/through the grapevine

Finally...men are individuals just like us, they often need to overcome their own demons. It is never a woman's job to fix a man. There are things men and women need to work through SINGLE sometimes

Rather than asking how to go about starting this relationship With a man who...doesn't remotely sound ready for one atm. Ask yourself why you're even considering this? It's not really very healthy is it?

Sorry bit...
Could you maybe support him AS A FRIEND. For now. Take tine to get to know him. Dont drip your own safety barriers out of pity for him. Protect yourself too.

Quitelikeit · 27/03/2023 23:04

How has your relationship progressed if he has never been out with you?

Sounds like mental health issues?

does he work?

Pinkbonbon · 27/03/2023 23:08

Tbh though even thats a risk.

Because you sound like a 'fixer' and that means you're prone to codependency with damaged (currently) men.

What this guy needs is therapy. Or time single. Both, probably.

Be careful.
And know the signs of abuse. Never stop reading up, throughout your life, on them. Ask on mumsent if ever in doubt.

Best case scenario, you can help this guy as a friend and best protect yourself from bad guys in future. And who knows, maybe date him when he is emotionally healthy again.

Pps: just as side note but be careful of projecting what you think he must be doing because of how he is acting. Regarding your last paragraph. It's common for cold hearted bastared to show glimmers of warmth in order to con us. Then be cold again. We blame their past or their depression or their mental health or their bad upbringing or egatever sob story they gave us. We say 'oh he must just have walls up because of xyz'. Nah. That's what they want you to think. So you'll make excuses for bs behaviour.

You're already doing that. And that worrying.

Again, not saying he isn't suffering. Or that what he says is true. But please, please please be aware that there are bad men and women out there who operate by pretending they are victims. And they'll claim to be victims of you to the next girl.

Just be careful

Pinkbonbon · 27/03/2023 23:16

Ops just saw the bit about you being friends for a while, sorry.

Stay friends. Seriously.
He's working shit through. Let him. Support him as a mate. But id hold off on anything else for now. It sounds messy. You have kids. You need stability not uncertainty

If you do decide to proceed with a relationship - run a claires law request. Take no chances.

Clymene · 27/03/2023 23:18

I'm really not clear if you're actually in a relationship Confused

LooseGoose22 · 27/03/2023 23:20

I had a relationship with a guy who'd apparently been through domestic violence; turned out that was not the real story, at all.

MoongazyHare · 27/03/2023 23:21

Given that his ex-partner is violent, I take it that he has full custody of his three children. If not - ask yourself why not?

HeddaGarbled · 27/03/2023 23:24

Like any potential blossoming relationship there’s ups & downs

That’s not actually true. In most blossoming relationships, it’s all ups.

I get it. You’ve had a 7 year dry spell. You’re willing to compromise. Don’t compromise too much though.

blackbeardsballsack · 27/03/2023 23:25

MoongazyHare · 27/03/2023 23:21

Given that his ex-partner is violent, I take it that he has full custody of his three children. If not - ask yourself why not?

Exactly

Pinkbonbon · 27/03/2023 23:27

Side thought too, communication is very important for a healthy relationship. But if this guy has a totally different communication style to you (reserved vs heart on sleave) thats going to be a pain in the arse, face it.

And if there's hiccups already, it's probably not going to get any easier.

AbsolutePixels · 27/03/2023 23:30

Reading your post, three thoughts came up:
Beware men who run hot and cold.
Beware men who claim to be victims of DV. It's a classic abuser tactic. Google DARVO.
Beware men who try to elicit your pity, it's manipulative. No decent man wants a woman's pity.

TheCentreSlide · 27/03/2023 23:32

It sounds like he’s completely in control and in charge of the speed this is going. Don’t get stuck in a codependent handmaiden role where the relationship is based around you coaxing him/supporting him/quashing your own needs.

If he needs that much cajoling to do normal relationship things, he’s not ready and he shouldn’t be putting you in this position.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/03/2023 23:32

He doesn't sound like intimate relationship material, keep as a friend only.

SummerintheCity01 · 27/03/2023 23:33

Are you saying you don’t go out together to do normal things? Where and when do you see each other?

Newyearnewhome · 27/03/2023 23:36

Hmm coming on to echo other posters here..

my first thought was that I’d be very wary of a bloke claiming DV. I know you do get some cases, but it’s very rare.

also, the love bombing…

Original poster
LimpetsMummy · 27/03/2023 23:37

Thanks Pinkbonbon for your advice it’s greatly appreciated & lots of details to consider. I’ve known him for 5 years, myself and some other friends became aware of the domestic violence after witnessing an incident around 3 years ago. There has been court hearings, police reports, social services involvement & custody was awarded to my friend after the mother gave up her rights to be involved in their children’s lives. He’s worked hard to support his kids he took some time off and had counselling and it’s been great to see him come into his own. It’s over the last 18 months where it’s become more intimate between us after he gave support to me following the death of my mum.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 27/03/2023 23:37

The not wanting to go out anywhere with you can be a sign that they are keeping secrets too. Or, keeping you a secret.

Does he go out with other people? Or is it only you he struggles to be in public with for some reason?

DeeCeeCherry · 27/03/2023 23:40

Be careful OP. Don't be a Rescuer. Never ends well.

If he's been through domestic violence I wouldn't expect that he is remotely ready for a relationship just yet. He has his children to think about, surely - alongside sorting his future life.

Also, is he pursuing custody via court or does he have custody of his children? If not - then why not, if their mother is violent? Or has he left them behind to live with a violent mother? In your shoes I'd want to know, and his answer on this particular aspect would determine whether or not he'd be viewed as relationship material.

You'd be wiser for now to remain a friend and not pursue a relationship at all. He has his life to sort out, if he jumps into a relationship with you, you'll likely find he'll jump out of it soon enough in favour of his own space.

& He won't even come out with you, so you must only see him indoors. Comes across like you're a secret or its a 'from chair to bed' so called 'relationship. Anyway whatever it may be, protect your heart for now

Pinkbonbon · 27/03/2023 23:44

LimpetsMummy · 27/03/2023 23:37

Thanks Pinkbonbon for your advice it’s greatly appreciated & lots of details to consider. I’ve known him for 5 years, myself and some other friends became aware of the domestic violence after witnessing an incident around 3 years ago. There has been court hearings, police reports, social services involvement & custody was awarded to my friend after the mother gave up her rights to be involved in their children’s lives. He’s worked hard to support his kids he took some time off and had counselling and it’s been great to see him come into his own. It’s over the last 18 months where it’s become more intimate between us after he gave support to me following the death of my mum.

That's a start, at least you can verify his claims regarding domestic violence (at least to some extent).

One less possible issue.

...although it creates a new one in the firm of him having 3 kids to a woman he was in a toxic relationship with.. which is a handful to get involved in. At least he has shown he has your back in hard times too though.

I'd just, be reluctant personally still.
He'd be wise to seek councilling before anything new. Domestic violence and court cases and custody hearings ect...they take their toll.

And you have your own family to think about and protect. Maybe he's lovely but still, don't forget to look after yourself.

FloydPepper · 27/03/2023 23:55

This advice is very different to what would be given to a man considering a relationship with a dv victim. Mumsnet does not really believe or sympathise with male dv victims and this thread is showing that. There are a lot of posts saying he’s probably lying, he’s probably actually the perpetrator, if he was the victim then it was probably his fault.

the attitude towards male dv victims on mumsnet is awful.

Pinkbonbon · 28/03/2023 00:01

FloydPepper · 27/03/2023 23:55

This advice is very different to what would be given to a man considering a relationship with a dv victim. Mumsnet does not really believe or sympathise with male dv victims and this thread is showing that. There are a lot of posts saying he’s probably lying, he’s probably actually the perpetrator, if he was the victim then it was probably his fault.

the attitude towards male dv victims on mumsnet is awful.

No one has said it was his fault.
No one has said he is 'probably lying'.

People have pointed out their personal experiences. And that abusive men often claim victim status.

The advice regarding men is different because men are different. Men often kill women. Women have to be extra vigilant when dating men. It's not a mysandry thing, it's an issue of common experiences and personal safety.

LooseGoose22 · 28/03/2023 01:10

FloydPepper · 27/03/2023 23:55

This advice is very different to what would be given to a man considering a relationship with a dv victim. Mumsnet does not really believe or sympathise with male dv victims and this thread is showing that. There are a lot of posts saying he’s probably lying, he’s probably actually the perpetrator, if he was the victim then it was probably his fault.

the attitude towards male dv victims on mumsnet is awful.

Unfortunately some of us have had relationships in which we learned the man was lying.

I had one in which I still don't know whether his accounts of the "alterations" were true or not or whether he was truly only a recipient/victim and not a perpetrator; but I can tell you it became patently obvious to me why he would have become a recipient of violence after a while in a relationship with him; he was a dementor. A pathologically jealous, controlling, possessive, paranoid, explosive, hyper critical, hectoring, ranting "man" - he went on and on and in until you lost your temper because you were so so sick being verbally attached, criticise, forced to explain yourself, forced to justify yourself, forced to defend yourself against claims that were often exaggerated or nonsensical as he worked himself up into his "tantrum"; and I came to understand why a woman not like myself (who would end up arguing back verbally but never hit etc him) and perhaps with alcohol in her system would strike out at him.
He drive one ex (who drank quite a lot) so insane she was repeatedly knocking her head off a door architrave in his home, and once trued to jump out of his vehicle while it was moving.

He was also more freaked out and self conscious than I have ever see him when I mentioned a police & court case in his town I'd read about online, and he was so intensely IT illiterate etc that I think he presumed I could read about all arrests and cases in his town online. I think there was a reason for that re. his altercations avd the possible real facts. He also told me he had only ever defended himself and demonstrated what he did .... Without me ever raising it or asking about it.

It happens.

Posters would be lying by omission not to mention their experiences of it.

LooseGoose22 · 28/03/2023 01:12

*"altercations"

LooseGoose22 · 28/03/2023 01:14

Darvo is also very common in male abusers, the recent tragedy in the press highlights that.