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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to support the guy I like after he’s been through domestic violence

114 replies

LimpetsMummy · 27/03/2023 22:47

Hi after a 7 year break from relationships I’ve got back on the dating horse. I’m 45 met a guy the same age, have loads in common, we really like one another & keen on seeing where things go.

we are great friends & I am keen that regardless of what happens we try & keep that friendship. Like any potential blossoming relationship there’s ups & downs (more ups than anything) but he has been through domestic violence & understandably has a lot of blocks/defences in place. he’s never been married but I have we also have 3 kids each. I’m more wear your heart in your sleeve show/say how you feel & he’s very reserved. He does little things to surprise me like sends me gifts when I least expect it, the breakthrough came at the weekend when he was complimenting me & said I love you, you are amazing which I wasn’t expecting. He knows how I feel has for months but is a man of few words so when he shows it it’s so special. I’m not going anywhere and reiterate that I want to show him my support, understanding & help him learn to love himself as well as loving others & accept he is worthy of a relationship.

Such hurdles I’ve faced are he opens up a tiny bit but then I think he feels he’s showed too much of himself and the walls go back up, I’ll try and get him to come out just for drinks, bit of food & a laugh just to relax but haven’t managed to get him to do that yet. Is there any advice anyone can give or has been through a similar set up. How did things work out for them? I’m happy with baby steps, slow & steady approach but conscious I don’t want to hurt anyone.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2023 01:32

You sound like a fixer/rescuer, op. You are not a rehab for broken men.

There are red flags all over the fucking place, and sadly, some of them are from you.

This is not a healthy relationship.

purpledalmation · 28/03/2023 02:07

Bloody hell. If a woman was in a domestic violence relationship and a man asking this question, there would be sympathy and good advice. Because it's a man he is love bombing, hiding things and has mental health problems. FFS

Of course men can be DV victims. He would be advised to have counselling, and maybe attend a counsellor with him to see how best to support a victim of trauma.

GlamourPuss78 · 28/03/2023 02:27

If it's a woman still affected by DV I'd tell her to stay single and work on herself.

I would just stay friends, op. He has too much baggage and you do sound like a fixer. This is his own issue to heal from not up to you to teach him to love himself. He has 3 children and recovering from DV, he has plenty to focus on. Also why would you take on 3 children on top of your own 3, his children might well be traumatised from the DV they witnessed and the change in their family set up. It's all too much.

GlamourPuss78 · 28/03/2023 02:30

A phrase I read on here: Women are not men's rehabilitation centre.

Weatherwax13 · 28/03/2023 03:20

Don't become his rehab OP. I'd have a good think about this if I were you.

BlastedPimples · 28/03/2023 05:15

He's been through domestic violence? He was the victim, you mean?

I would be very careful if I were you. My ex is also claiming I abused him throughout our marriage which isn't the truth at all. The dcs and I were verbally and physically abused by him.

category12 · 28/03/2023 05:49

Tbh if things were reversed, I'd find it a bit creepy that a man was hanging round being a "friend" to a domestic abuse victim with an expectation of moving it into a relationship.

Tryphenia · 28/03/2023 06:46

category12 · 28/03/2023 05:49

Tbh if things were reversed, I'd find it a bit creepy that a man was hanging round being a "friend" to a domestic abuse victim with an expectation of moving it into a relationship.

Yes. And it’s not clear from the OP whether they’re in a relationship, or have a FWB thing, or what.

GoldenFarfalle · 28/03/2023 06:54

I would be worried, my ex first husband claimed his ex was crazy and violent, he claimed he was the victim and not her, she was lying. When I ended up at the hospital after one of "his episodes " I understood his ex was right, he was an abuser.

He is love bombing you telling you he loves you and giving little gifts.

PoseyFlump · 28/03/2023 07:05

I think the fact that the OP has witnessed the DV and he was awarded custody of the children means we should believe him on that front. But I do think OP that a friendship might be best for you. You need someone who is madly in love with you after all these years alone.

Bananalanacake · 28/03/2023 07:18

Give him lots of time before a relationship, I would say 2 or 3 years, he needs space and it is not your job to support him.

Drinknumber11 · 28/03/2023 07:29

So, I know what I’m going to say is direct and May come off as harsh. I say it because I’ve been through it.
I do sincerely emphasise with him for having gone through domestic violence - and I think there is less support out there for men who experience it. My brother was a victim of domestic violence from his ex.
However, everyone is responsible for healing themselves and living with awful life experiences. Essentially it’s up to him to seek therapy and do whatever he needs to do.
As women we want to help these men and become their saviours if you like, thinking it will make them love you more. It never works. He will just dump all his problems on you.

My ex had been abused as a child and the ramifications on his behaviour as an adult were clear to see and he became the abuser now. Never once did he think to do any work on himself, just blamed everyone else. I tried to help him - tried to arrange therapy tried to get him to see mental health services. It was easier for him to blame others rather than to work on himself and his behaviour.

Cherrybl0ssm · 28/03/2023 07:36

Hi @LimpetsMummy you come accross and kind and caring.
There is also a ‘fix him’ vibe in your posts.
Can I be frank?

He is unlikely to change. If you are ok with a relationship with this man in his current personality then great. But think carefully. Because he’s showing you who he is.

How much of how you are treating him is because he was a victim of domestic violence ?

And lastly usually if men really like a woman nothing is too much effort for them. So id be cautious about him holding back and refusing to go out for meals etc.

think about what you want in a relationship. If he hasn’t been providing it so far that is unlikely to change.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/03/2023 07:37

LimpetsMummy

good to go slow and steady
as you will see how things progress at 45 post divorce is very different to early 20s

just make sure YOU are the priority to not get hurt and not him

id also say that some therapy to process will benefit him
men are annoyingly reluctant to have this
which is disappointing to say the least

YRGAM · 28/03/2023 08:10

FloydPepper · 27/03/2023 23:55

This advice is very different to what would be given to a man considering a relationship with a dv victim. Mumsnet does not really believe or sympathise with male dv victims and this thread is showing that. There are a lot of posts saying he’s probably lying, he’s probably actually the perpetrator, if he was the victim then it was probably his fault.

the attitude towards male dv victims on mumsnet is awful.

Agreed. This thread is utterly disgraceful but not at all surprising

JoanThursday1972 · 28/03/2023 08:18

I met an older man once who had custody of his kids. He had lots of crazy exes too ... some strange behaviour = I stopped seeing him. It all came out later. Headbutting his ex wife. County court judgements. Football hooliganism. Getting sacked. Inappropriate images of girls. I had such a lucky escape. I didn't see any of this. He turned up for the first date laden with gifts.

I'm not saying this guy is like that but the one I met hid it well until his odd behaviour alerted me.

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/03/2023 08:53

This thread is disgusting. If this was a man posting about a relationship with a woman the answers would be very different.
My DP was in a violent relationship, and to even think he would be suspected of lying or being the perpetrator is horrible. Men suffer domestic violence too.

purpledalmation · 28/03/2023 09:02

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/03/2023 08:53

This thread is disgusting. If this was a man posting about a relationship with a woman the answers would be very different.
My DP was in a violent relationship, and to even think he would be suspected of lying or being the perpetrator is horrible. Men suffer domestic violence too.

Yes, it's MN victim blaming at its finest.

Naunet · 28/03/2023 09:15

purpledalmation · 28/03/2023 02:07

Bloody hell. If a woman was in a domestic violence relationship and a man asking this question, there would be sympathy and good advice. Because it's a man he is love bombing, hiding things and has mental health problems. FFS

Of course men can be DV victims. He would be advised to have counselling, and maybe attend a counsellor with him to see how best to support a victim of trauma.

Yes, because this is a female centric website, and people here care about women first. Just about every other place on the internet is far more male centric, maybe that would make you more comfortable if you don’t like to see women looking out for women?

Naunet · 28/03/2023 09:17

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/03/2023 08:53

This thread is disgusting. If this was a man posting about a relationship with a woman the answers would be very different.
My DP was in a violent relationship, and to even think he would be suspected of lying or being the perpetrator is horrible. Men suffer domestic violence too.

Women get accused of lying about domestic violence all the time, amazed you’re unaware of that?

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/03/2023 09:24

Of course I'm not unaware of that @Naunet! But why on earth does that justify accusing men too?! ANYONE who has been through domestic violence deserves the same respect and belief.

Women suffer far more incidences of DV. But that does not mean I am about to start acting like a dick to men who suffer too. I try to be kind to everyone personally, regardless of sex.

JoanThursday1972 · 28/03/2023 09:28

I know that men are victims of DV. I am currently weighing up whether to actually report the wife of someone I know who regularly belts her 15 year old son around the head. He recorded her screaming at him in the car using F words and C words at him, and played it to his Dad. Still stays with her though. He's scared of losing his son.

monsteramunch · 28/03/2023 09:43

JoanThursday1972 · 28/03/2023 09:28

I know that men are victims of DV. I am currently weighing up whether to actually report the wife of someone I know who regularly belts her 15 year old son around the head. He recorded her screaming at him in the car using F words and C words at him, and played it to his Dad. Still stays with her though. He's scared of losing his son.

A child is being abused. And in a way that is incredibly dangerous as brain trauma can be a silent killer with no obvious symptoms until it's too late. Of course you should report it, as should the poor child's father.

BlastedPimples · 28/03/2023 09:45

All that people are doing is flagging up the potential that everything may not be as it seems.

What wrong with that?

Anyone going into a relationship should really dig a lot deeper than face value regardless.

ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 28/03/2023 09:50

There is help for male victims out there OP. Has he been offered any? Most dv organisations will work with men or point them in the right direction. I agree with others unthread that he needs to work through this himself before committing to a relationship with you. Same goes for any woman that has been through dv.