How to support the guy I like after he’s been through domestic violence

[LimpetsMummy]

Hi after a 7 year break from relationships I’ve got back on the dating horse. I’m 45 met a guy the same age, have loads in common, we really like one another & keen on seeing where things go.

we are great friends & I am keen that regardless of what happens we try & keep that friendship. Like any potential blossoming relationship there’s ups & downs (more ups than anything) but he has been through domestic violence & understandably has a lot of blocks/defences in place. he’s never been married but I have we also have 3 kids each. I’m more wear your heart in your sleeve show/say how you feel & he’s very reserved. He does little things to surprise me like sends me gifts when I least expect it, the breakthrough came at the weekend when he was complimenting me & said I love you, you are amazing which I wasn’t expecting. He knows how I feel has for months but is a man of few words so when he shows it it’s so special. I’m not going anywhere and reiterate that I want to show him my support, understanding & help him learn to love himself as well as loving others & accept he is worthy of a relationship.

Such hurdles I’ve faced are he opens up a tiny bit but then I think he feels he’s showed too much of himself and the walls go back up, I’ll try and get him to come out just for drinks, bit of food & a laugh just to relax but haven’t managed to get him to do that yet. Is there any advice anyone can give or has been through a similar set up. How did things work out for them? I’m happy with baby steps, slow & steady approach but conscious I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I think men probably feel embarrassed to admitt they are being bullied by a partner. And I would encourage anyone who is hearing about it to be compassionate. However, also urge caution if its in the context of dating. Pity for someone else must never make us drop our own guard. Because unfortunately there are those who lie.

And yes, lots of abusive women who use the same tactics. But they probably won't kill you. So when dating men it always pays to be hypervigalent. Simply because men are a greater threat to women due to strength and proclivity (in comparison to women) towards violence.

Edit * towards violence that may kill

Mumsnet is not a woman’s site. I’m a parent, and should be welcome here

Mumsnet is absolutely a women’s site. I don’t mind men coming here - but absolutely do not welcome them.

Help him to learn to love himself. Oh aye. He's uncommunicative, puts up barriers, won't go out. DV aside, he sounds like a project, not an equal partner.

Whilst the site is technically inclusive for all...I do wonder - if the site was called Dadsnet...how many women would ever think to look on it in the first place?

OP, its concerning that he never wants to go out. Do you mean with you? Does he ever go out for a walk with you?

There is a dadsnet isn’t there? There certain was… not so much used as I understand it…

One of my close friends has been a victim, along with myself.
Would you like me to post the pictures of my injuries for you non-believers? I’m a man, by the way.

Men are allowed and welcomed here - it’s not exclusively a women’s space.
I’m a man (and a parent) and find it very useful - and frankly couldn’t give two shakes of a shit what you or anyone else thinks about me and the many other dads being here. 🙂

You are welcome here, but like any internet forum there’s a ‘distinct few’ who kick off whenever this topic is raised.

Don’t let them ruin it for you - it’s a welcoming, inclusive community and you just need to ignore the few closed-minded individuals who try to ruin that.

Stick around and let them be unjustifiably angry about something that isn’t their choice, and isn’t their concern - don’t let it bother you 🙂

pixie5121
so I’m a woman and I’ve seen you here and we’ve chatted a bit

I don’t know if this will land badly but you do seem to come across as not actually really liking men that much !
put another way I’ve never seen a positive statement (but maybe I missed one )

i know you’ve had many of the dating struggles we all have

but it’s struck me a few times
I don’t know if you’ve noticed that ?

Post your injuries if you want. I’m not saying I don’t believe you. I don’t know you. I’m sorry you went through DV, but I stand by my assertion that it’s far rarer for a man to be a victim of domestic violence than a women.

it’s also a well known tactic for male abusers to accuse their victims of abuse.

90% of people in jail for violent crimes are men.

50% of women who are murdered are killed by an intimate partner (Male).

with those statistics in mind, wouldn’t you also caution the OP to be careful? Surely as a victim of abuse, you’d do the same?

As it happens, it sounds like the OP has fairly solid evidence that her new partner WAS a victim of DV, but I’ll never apologise for advising her to be cautious.

Oh I’ll stick around. Been here for 11 years now.

anyway, that’s a tangent and has been done to death over the years so I wont distract from the subject by re-opening it any more

Well... a project man is not a thing you need. Because men don't really want to be perceived as weak ime, and they like the perception that they are needed, not needy.

It's therefore an unusual man who states DV as his reason but it can be very isolating. You would find, and already are doing, some helping for him. Don't get into mothering this guy. I'd say if he won't come to you or express an interest in you clearly or needs to bring up DV as an issue, he is not ready for a relationship.

A woman in a similar position likely wouldn't be either. They would be too vulnerable and needy.

*pixie5121
so I’m a woman and I’ve seen you here and we’ve chatted a bit

I don’t know if this will land badly but you do seem to come across as not actually really liking men that much !
put another way I’ve never seen a positive statement (but maybe I missed one )

i know you’ve had many of the dating struggles we all have

but it’s struck me a few times
I don’t know if you’ve noticed that*

You forgot to add a head tilt!

YouTarzan

oh don’t say that ! But have really REALLY noticed it

i didn’t mean to be patronising and it’s a hard thing to word without sounding head tilty 🙈

I feel bad for mentioning it now anyway, back to the OP...

It doesn't sound like he's in a great place for a relationship. If he won't even go out with you it sounds like you've bypassed all the fun bits, and no - most new relationships are not full of ups and downs!

@Deathbyfluffy
"I’m a man (and a parent) and find it very useful - and frankly couldn’t give two shakes of a shit what you or anyone else thinks about me and the many other dads being here."

Yep. The perfect attitude and language to show you're a sensitive and caring chap.

No, I don't like men much, and with very good reason

that’s fair enough I guess , but I can’t help thinking that’s not going to help with dating them! As if it shows on a web page and a total stranger has picked this up….

it must surely come across in RL…

just as women can tell pretty fast if a man has a skewed view of women ?

its unfortunate To have a sexual attraction to a gender you fundamentally don’t like

It’s not a woman’s space it’s a parenting website, or at least that’s how it started.

you can’t gatekeep who posts on a parenting website.