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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you had an emotionally abusive relationship..

102 replies

Ducksinarow1987 · 26/03/2023 22:16

Did they eventually stop trying to control you? I split from ExDP a few weeks ago, we have a shared house to sort and one DS (4) ExDp has flitted between absolute denial and love bombing, to mental breakdown and wanting to end it all, to hating me and trying to manipulate my every move. I'm exhausted.

He hasn't really done anything with our son at all over the years. But now he's getting nowhere with me he's love bombing our son (is this even a thing?) I would love for our son to have a good relationship with his dad but why does it all feel coercive like a way to get at me rather than play his role? I've always done 80% of my sons care (ex is generally disinterested) but suddenly ex is making all sorts of demands. I am due to go away with our son for a break with my parents but ex says I am taking him away from him (I've literally been away with DS so so so many times, most times the ex doesn't even checkin with how he is)

He's never ever suggested so much as a day out for the pair of them without me encouraging him (and then him calling me controlling) but now says he needs to take him away himself (yet he never even gets up with him in the mornings!) I'm so tired of feeling controlled but also like a bad mother for seemingly trying to stop him spending time with his son.

Will it always be like this? Will he always be trying to manipulate me even when we aren't together? I'm so utterly fed up. I want what's best for my son but ex seems only willing to do what is best for him and it makes me so sad.

OP posts:
frankiefirstyear · 26/03/2023 22:25

Are you still living together?

Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 26/03/2023 22:27

Yes I'm trying to move things forward. He's refused or been too upset to engage up until the last few days. I have stated what I want to happen (get the house valued) and he now says he's onboard though I'm yet to see it. I'm driving things forward when I get so frustrated with him biting his head in the sand

OP posts:
Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 26/03/2023 22:27

Burying

OP posts:
DelilahBucket · 26/03/2023 22:31

Keep driving forward and reiterating the same narrative. He'll get bored. It's like having another child to deal with. Don't give him the attention he wants and he will move on. If he wants something different with rega DS to contact with your son tell him he needs to consult with a solicitor.

Hotvimto3 · 26/03/2023 22:34

No for me it just got worse and worse. 5.5 years 'free' and subjected to horrendous intrusion, control and abuse that has extended to my children, workplace and friends.

Suzi9989 · 26/03/2023 22:40

I was in a long relationship with an emotionally abusive alcoholic in my 20s. Was a lucky escape, I since met a wonderful DP. Don't let the past dictate your future.

Well done for getting this far. Sending you strength to freedom and happiness

Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 26/03/2023 22:44

Thankyou ladies.

It's so so hard. I care so much for my son and just want him to come away emotionally unscathed but ex seems content to use him as a chess piece

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 26/03/2023 22:46

Hotvimto3 · 26/03/2023 22:34

No for me it just got worse and worse. 5.5 years 'free' and subjected to horrendous intrusion, control and abuse that has extended to my children, workplace and friends.

Snap. They don't give up. Not the hard-core ones.

frankiefirstyear · 26/03/2023 22:48

It helped (though was turbulent at times) when I moved out for sure but they act out when they feel control slipping so you can expect the behaviour you've listed to continue at each stage of the break up. You will be able to think more clearly without him battering you're head all the time. I always keep in mind I do what's best for DC, I owe him nothing and it's not my job or place to make his life easier or better. Once you are resident parent things become a bit better as he will have to make physical effort to see the DC. Him stopping DC from holidaying and spending time with established relationships in your DPs is just spiteful and not in keeping with the benefit of the child. If he is as useless as you say then he will have no follow through. I found it easier to nod along to avoid too much confrontation, but go ahead with plans as usual.

Hotvimto3 · 26/03/2023 22:50

Ducksinarow1987 · 26/03/2023 22:44

Thankyou ladies.

It's so so hard. I care so much for my son and just want him to come away emotionally unscathed but ex seems content to use him as a chess piece

He will. Just set boundaries and go as no contact as possible.

Hotvimto3 · 26/03/2023 22:50

coodawoodashooda · 26/03/2023 22:46

Snap. They don't give up. Not the hard-core ones.

Show quote history

Its daily now. Just how life is now. I hope you are ok x

Pinkjacket22 · 26/03/2023 22:51

I'm at the point where my son is starting to see what a shit disinterested father his "dad" is and he really doesn't want to go cos he has to choose between football and seeing his dad. Our son is 9. It's a lot easier in that I just deal with him by text most of the time and pp was right about treating him like a badly behaved toddler which is exactly how he acts. I'm not that scared of him any more. Just keep doing the next right thing. My ex is more interested in whatever girlfriend he has on the scene so it is a lot easier when that stuff starts. I don't think my son will choose to see his dad at all at some point. It's his loss. Son is lovely and loved and doing well. Sending empathy and strength. You can do this!

TokyoStories · 27/03/2023 00:12

It’s been six years since I left mine and he’s still at it. It’s horrendous.

TokyoStories · 27/03/2023 00:12

And we don’t even have children together.

DominoBlue · 27/03/2023 00:19

OP, keep a diary of everything he does to try to control you. You may need contemporaneous notes of his actions.

Frith2013 · 27/03/2023 01:01

Yes, but he was relentless for the first 8 years after I left him.

Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 27/03/2023 04:46

Honestly these responses have just made me feel worse. It makes me scared to try to leave him

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 27/03/2023 06:15

Answer is
No they don't,

It's insidious and they will often find other manipulative ways through family or friends Assoc

sjxoxo · 27/03/2023 06:20

Agree you need to keep a diary of his behaviour and demands; you might need it later.

Living together isn’t ideal as it subjects you to him still on a daily basis - can you stay with your parents etc. I would try and go as no contact as possible and draw a Very firm line. I expect he is panicking about you leaving.. and also hence why he is now trying to use your son to also control the situation as he can see he is losing you.

best of luck to you & your son xxxxxxxx

Moser85 · 27/03/2023 06:30

Snap. They don't give up. Not the hard-core ones.

Mine did and he was extremely hard-core.
I'm talking keeping me trapped for over a decade threatening suicide/self harming in front of me and so on.
The first 6 months of the split were hell with the love bombing/threatening to kill me/threatening to kill himself/suicide attempts/I could go on

It eventually stopped when I stopped enabling it. Funnily enough the day I detached emotionally was a day after he'd ended up in a psychiatric hospital. I didn't know that at the time but had text him to say I wasn't putting up with it anymore. I was done. He didn't get the message because he didn't have his phone but someone let me know later that evening he was in hospital. They kept him for a week which he was mad about because a lot of it was just for attention......when he got out he was fuming at me. I didn't care. I had detached and wasn't letting him get to me. He then started to do some stuff like CBT and while previously I would have supported him I remained detached. No enabling bad behaviour by giving him attention for it. No praising him for getting help....because all of that was giving him power over me.

One major positive in my situation was that he didn't want to see the kids during that time because he didn't want them to see him in a state.....so that made it a lot easier. I would NOT have been handing my kids over when he was like that so luckily he didn't try to take me to court etc.

Rockingchai · 27/03/2023 06:52

Don’t let the responses scare you into staying. Move out asap and detach as much as you can. Minimal responses and do not react emotionally. Go grey rock - this concept really helps me.

My ex was similar to yours initially, got worse for the first 6 months after leaving, I was scared. But at the same time the relief of being able to switch off my phone, know my door was locked, his problems were no longer mine to deal with - that was immense.

Initially he wanted to see my son daily, have him stay two nights a week. This literally only lasted 3 weeks and now he barely sees him. My son has also got to the stage where he doesn’t want to see him which is sad - 2.5 years down the line - but not down to me.

My ex barely contacts me now, after the first year of abuse and harassment by phone and text it was like that.

Do not stay please.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 27/03/2023 07:13

I’m with @Rockingchai

Don’t give up.

You’re feeling like you’re seriously up against it ATM. I get it.

He’ll always try and manipulate you, using your son. Acknowledge that you cannot change people, but you can change YOUR response. I found that low contact and a very business like manner when dealing with him worked.

I made sure that I got the message across that I would stand no more of his shit, and the way forward was to communicate along those lines.
No emotion.

(TBH, I was all out of emotions anyway…I was shattered )

Get yourselves physically out of the house. Even temporarily. You need some head space.

MintJulia · 27/03/2023 07:26

When I finally left, ex told me I'd never cope by myself, and then tried to starve me back by refusing to pay cms, by refusing to co-operate in any way, but continually saying 'all the problems would stop if I'd stop being silly and move back.'

Then insisting he wanted ds 50:50. That lasted one weekend. 🙄

We've been apart 11 years now. Every two or three years he's nice to me for three weeks and then tries to persuade me to go back. When I say no, he falls into a fury, threatening, tantrums etc.

He doesn't want me, he's just outraged that any woman would dare leave him. If a man has fundamentally weird beliefs, and you've shaken those beliefs, I don't think it ever stops.

Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 27/03/2023 07:44

Those of you saying the abuse is still happening, are you more detached? I feel so trapped

OP posts:
Hotvimto3 · 27/03/2023 07:49

Ducksinarow1987 · 27/03/2023 07:44

Those of you saying the abuse is still happening, are you more detached? I feel so trapped

Yes very much so. Changed the locks and non mol order. Blocked him on everything.

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