If you had an emotionally abusive relationship..

[Ducksinarow1987]

Did they eventually stop trying to control you? I split from ExDP a few weeks ago, we have a shared house to sort and one DS (4) ExDp has flitted between absolute denial and love bombing, to mental breakdown and wanting to end it all, to hating me and trying to manipulate my every move. I'm exhausted.

He hasn't really done anything with our son at all over the years. But now he's getting nowhere with me he's love bombing our son (is this even a thing?) I would love for our son to have a good relationship with his dad but why does it all feel coercive like a way to get at me rather than play his role? I've always done 80% of my sons care (ex is generally disinterested) but suddenly ex is making all sorts of demands. I am due to go away with our son for a break with my parents but ex says I am taking him away from him (I've literally been away with DS so so so many times, most times the ex doesn't even checkin with how he is)

He's never ever suggested so much as a day out for the pair of them without me encouraging him (and then him calling me controlling) but now says he needs to take him away himself (yet he never even gets up with him in the mornings!) I'm so tired of feeling controlled but also like a bad mother for seemingly trying to stop him spending time with his son.

Will it always be like this? Will he always be trying to manipulate me even when we aren't together? I'm so utterly fed up. I want what's best for my son but ex seems only willing to do what is best for him and it makes me so sad.

No leave please. You must. You need at least peace in your own home

One of my friends has this happen about 18 months ago, it was really stressful for the first couple of months while he fought everything and pretended to be father of the year to his new girlfriend. 18 months on he doesn’t see the children at all and my friend has peace, she looks fantastic and has just met a new “friend”.

Don't allow him to bully you. Please leave if that is what you want.

I was never scared, I was stunned that an apparently normal man could turn into such a creep in such a short space of time, and then angry that he thought it was ok to bully me.

I'm completely detached now, ex sees ds when he wants which is not much. We live 80 miles from him. I don't share any information about my life. We have no mutual friends. He's on the school email list so gets school reports. I only text him if ds is ill which is hardly ever, or about holidays. He made himself irrelevant.

As a pp said you have to emotionally detach. It was only when my ex saw that none of it could affect me — none of the abusive rants and texts and pushing those abuse buttons they’ve installed in your psyche — you can fake it till you make it sometimes. That’s what ‘grey rock’ is: showing them the button of control and manipulation isn’t there any more. Without that they are disinterested.

Right up until final hearing, always the victim, not his fault, blah blah blah 🙄 He was three out of the four types of abuse though.

Now I have nothing to do with him it's fab. Couldn't be happier.

Please don’t give up. Your first paragraph really resonated with me, although I haven’t had the love bombing or suicide threats, but I am exhausted by all his changes, of plans, new proposals, being ok then thoroughly offensive etc, etc.

I was in a long marriage with a controlling man, although it was at its worst in the last 10 years. I am so lucky that my Dd is now an adult.

We decided to mutually split last spring, but that didn’t stop him trying to control everything and force the financial settlement in his favour. We were living in the marital home til January when I moved out.

Until about November I was being bombarded with hateful email, texts and verbally. That stopped when he finally got a solicitor who must have told him not to send anything that wouldn’t look good for him.

Then he proceeded to send texts and emails that he thought could be considered friendly or helpful on his part, but from my point of view we’re still manipulative. Now a year in he has finally realised that everything financial needs to go through the solicitors. That didn’t stop him sending other texts to me three days in a row last week.

I have mostly been ignore, ignore, ignore. At times it has sent me to a very dark place, once I had to escape and stay with a friend for five days. Occasionally I have taken the bait and argued back (not clever).

However things are better than they were. An irony is that the non action on my part seems to be wearing him down at last. My ability to grey rock and ignore were what I had to do in my marriage to keep the peace.

Its probable that your marriage has also taught you to keep quiet, this is now your greatest strength. I’m preparing to send a photocopy of ALL my husbands emails and texts over the last year (it’s a very thick pile). She hasn’t asked for it, but I want her to know what’s been going on.

Do as other posters have suggested, keep a diary of the things he is doing and saying. Get what documents you will need for later (my biggest regret).

Controlling men will come in all sorts of colours and there will be some hardcore ones who never never give up. Only you know if your ex could be like this.

Head down, and one foot in front of the other. It’s the only way.

Separated January 1997. He still has a go when he thinks he might get away with it.

I'm nearly 3 years free of my exP and it never stopped, he's even been charged and sentenced with harassment and we've had to move and change numbers etc. He doesn't bother about his 2 kids (3&4) he hasnt seen them in 2 years, also attempted the love bombing strategy at the beginning of the separation. Up in court again for harassment next month plus a 2 year restraining order in place and a non molestation order. These guys have form and they're efforts are relentless. I wish you better luck that I x

The best thing you can do is to concentrate on separating and building a new life for you and your son.

Try to emotionally detach from your ex. Remember he is now EX.

Ignore all his behaviour and refuse to engage with him.

You do not have to organise or facilitate his time with his child. That is up to him.

Do practical things like decluttering your stuff, getting rid of things you don't want or need any more. Getting your paperwork in order. Organising where you and your son are going to live. Getting the house valued and sold (or buying out).

Take advice from Women's Aid, and look at The Freedom Programme.

If he continues to bully you, think about reporting him to the police.

You have every right to end the relationship and to move on and live your life on your own terms.

3.5 years out and my ex is just as horrible as ever.

I have continued to do everything I can to limit contact/his ability to control me.

It's a long, hard road.

Even though my ex is a monster, I have zero regrets about leaving him. It's a million times better than being subject to his daily abuse, even at its worst. At least it's in bite sized doses now.

Would love to say it gets better but in some ways it gets worse (at least for me)
It's no longer just me he's after but the children, my workplace and friends/wider family.
I can't protect the children while they're on visitation with him.
I'm going through the motions of restricting his visitation further as he's emotionally damaging the children.
It's one thing after another and I see no signs of him giving up.

Forgot to add

No matter how hard it is it's a million times better than living with him. There are moments of peace where I can focus on me and the children.

It is so awful to realise how widespread this is

Two years for me and the only thing that changed is that we now have separate addresses.

Nobody talks about the abuse after the abuse. It's good to gain some insights as to what to expect from an abusive ex, and it's always nearly worth leaving as abusive people will never change...

@Ducksinarow1987 Best way to detach is to put some physical distance between you. And employ Grey Rock technique.

Second best way (but by a loooong way) is to stay and employ the Grey Rock technique.

Have you been in touch with Womens Aid? They would be able to help.

My ExH still tries to exert control and can still be abusive if I don’t do what he wants. But it’s a million times better than actually having to live with him.

It also got better when I met DP (after a big initial deterioration).

How do I learn how to do this 'grey rock' stuff? Is there a book. I need to get smart and stop him having this affect on me.

Grey rock is about not taking the bait, ever - show zero interest in everything he says, possibly a polite hmm if necessary but no more. Restrict discussions to the DC, don’t get into anything else…

It’s about not responding when he pushes your buttons, don’t give him any ammunition or feed his game playing in any way.

It takes a bit of practice but it will become second nature…and by then you really won’t care what he’s saying, it’s the silent equivalent of “that’s nice dear”.

Yes, grey rock is about underreacting to everything. Nothing, no emotional response.

Yes lots of stuff online and on Pinterest

Please don’t be scared. They don’t stop, which is exactly WHY you need to leave him. It will give you more control over your life.

my ex is the same. They try to throw all sorts of shit at you, but just ignore it. Build a network and speak to friends. I also got a lot of support from women’s aid and found they gave access to resources to cope. You need to learn how to cope with these fuckers.

it’s painful but there’s also only so much you can do to protect your kids from arseholes like this.

also, I’ve met lots of adult men who’ve described how their dad behaved like this towards their mum. They mostly now think their dads are twats. They all adore their mothers and appreciate the sacrifices she made for them.

Did anyone else just question if it was actually abusive and controlling? As in, doubting that it's actually 'that bad' or just an issue with them self?

I felt like I was doing something terrible chatting to woman's aid live chat today. I deleted the chat history. I worry I'm being dramatic. I know he's not the worst there is. Part of me thinks it's just me.

I definitely agree with this. If it ended up in family court in an argument over access you could provide this testimony. When he realises you’re serious he may become bored and move on