If you had an emotionally abusive relationship..

[Ducksinarow1987]

Did they eventually stop trying to control you? I split from ExDP a few weeks ago, we have a shared house to sort and one DS (4) ExDp has flitted between absolute denial and love bombing, to mental breakdown and wanting to end it all, to hating me and trying to manipulate my every move. I'm exhausted.

He hasn't really done anything with our son at all over the years. But now he's getting nowhere with me he's love bombing our son (is this even a thing?) I would love for our son to have a good relationship with his dad but why does it all feel coercive like a way to get at me rather than play his role? I've always done 80% of my sons care (ex is generally disinterested) but suddenly ex is making all sorts of demands. I am due to go away with our son for a break with my parents but ex says I am taking him away from him (I've literally been away with DS so so so many times, most times the ex doesn't even checkin with how he is)

He's never ever suggested so much as a day out for the pair of them without me encouraging him (and then him calling me controlling) but now says he needs to take him away himself (yet he never even gets up with him in the mornings!) I'm so tired of feeling controlled but also like a bad mother for seemingly trying to stop him spending time with his son.

Will it always be like this? Will he always be trying to manipulate me even when we aren't together? I'm so utterly fed up. I want what's best for my son but ex seems only willing to do what is best for him and it makes me so sad.

Ducks, maybe try to think about what YOU want re the childcare arrangements rather than simply responding to what he wants. I was definitely trying too hard to be “fair” and tbh to avoid conflict, but in the end I managed to say what was acceptable to me and what wasn’t.

what helped me no end was doing all of this negotiation by email - I was too scared to talk it through face-to-face as I knew I’d be met with rage or tears or both. But the emotional distance of email allowed us both to think before we spoke, and took some of the heat out of it. Inadvertently it also meant I had a detailed record of what we’d agreed, so he couldn’t do any of the “that’s not what I said” crap that he specialises in.

I alredy have alot 😭😭😭😭

He will probably carry on being an emotionally, abusive wanker, but a) distancing yourself from him will mean you suffer less of it and b) if you've spent years managing and pacifying him at your own expense that can be a hard habit for you to break.

The fact I was still scared of my ex-husband after we split made it much easier for him to carry on emotionally abusing and controlling me through anger, sulking, demands etc.

You are probably at the very worst point now if you are still living together. Focus on getting out - get the house valued, start looking for your own home - it will get much better than this.

Thanks @AmandaHoldensLips !

Can anyone recommend the best way to get my ex to progress with living separately. It's been weeks. It seems that even though I've been saying for years how unhappy I am, he is still shocked that I'm now wanting to live separately.

He has gone from begging, pleading, love bombing, promising he will change, barraging me with letters about how amazing I am, to nasty, bitter, trying to fix random issues from the past or fixating on an incident and highlighting what I did wrong, to depressed, howling, wailing, roaring, stomping, to acting like nothing happened, to totally ignoring me. It's exhausting.

I want to discuss next steps but he seems to block this and focus on different things (as above). In the last few conversations he says he has given up hope and knows we need to move on but hasn't been open to discussing it and becomes angry when I do. Will he ever accept it? Do I need to be more patient? It feels like yet more control and it's horrendous. I barely slept last night

I don’t usually suggest deception, but could you say that the best way to work on your relationship will be to live separately for a bit? I asked my X for a trial separation - intending exactly that - but as soon as he had moved out I knew what I wanted, and it wasn’t him!

@Lavenderfowl did he move into a rental? I'm concerned if I stay in the house he will barrage me and make excuses to come over for different things

Yes he rented a small grim pitiable flat (all the better to play victim) and yes lots of excuses to drop in but that was better than having him there full time. I made sure he had all the practical stuff he needed furniture crockery etc from the house, to minimise his excuses…

It was a HUGE relief not having to share the house with him, my safe place at last 💜

Set boundaries and set them now. I had all of this, for years and honestly it was partly due to not being firm with boundaries. He wants to take ds on a trip , say “that will be nice” it is unlikely to happen but it’s the fight he wants. He will only have control if you allow yourself to get embroiled so let it wash over you when he starts up.
think about going to court for a court order sooner rather than later as this helps go NC when it’s all in black and white.

….See a solicitor too. Then official letters start being delivered to make things less “on his terms”

My ex did the same, and I realised after weeks of him spending what money he could have saved for a deposit and drinking himself stupid and abusing me that he was never going to leave , so the kids (6mths&18mths) and I left to "visit my sister " one morning with no more than a changing bag and that was us. Had to rebuild our whole lives in a new house and I was honestly never happier. Even to this day, I'll always remember that empty, run down , dirty emergency housing with no furniture being the happiest time of my life x

Thanks once again for such excellent advice

@Rollerpiggy oh my word you are so right. I used to suggest he take him to the park for an hour and he would call me controlling!

I have the number for a family law firm and I think I'll call them to help me figure out what to do next.

I came home yesterday to a house cleaned from top to bottom, ex calmly asking when I'll be going away and then calmly said he would get the house valued! Sounds too good to be true and probably is.

I split up from my ex nearly 2 years ago now, my divorce has just completed and I've just moved into my new house. When we initially separated he ramped up the love bombing which didn't work and then he ramped up the emotional abuse which also didn't work as I grey rocked him. I told him I would only talk to him about ds and the sale of the house and ignored anything else he texted me/called me about etc. If he tried to argue with me in front of ds (which he did on many occasions) I told him I didn't want to talk about this in front of ds and walked out of the room. He did want 50/50 (he knew this was the only thing that would bother me) care of ds which he has stuck to so far but I feel this will wain soon as he has a new girlfriend and is no longer doing as much with ds. He was Disney dad at first but only takes him to places if the girlfriend is there now. He doesn't ring ds when he's with me and I've also noticed that he also hasn't bought any new clothes for ds everything he has is too small or has holes in but initially he spoilt him with new designer clothes and trainers. I'm just awaiting for the text where he can't have ds anymore as it's the only thing now that can hurt me as I have no access to childcare (I work unsociable hrs and work the days that ds is with his dad) I'm so happy and feel safe away from him in my new house. What helped me loads was watching lots of videos on YouTube on narcissists, particularly Dr ramini and Caroline strawson. The videos helped me to understand how to grey rock. Don't stay because you are scared, go and be free and live your best life.

Ladies, can anyone offer advice? If I speak to the doctor about the control and emotional abuse will they have implications for my son with social services? I'm thinking someone official needs to know what's going on but I'm scared of this impacting my son 😞😞😞

Unless the emotional abuse is directly affecting your children, the GP shouldn’t flag it up with SS. It’s more important that you tell someone.

However, this WILL be impacting your son either way.

Pushthrough any legalities and understand that it is highly likely that if you are dealing with a true narcissist he will eventually realise he's not winning and back off, transferring his attention to a new person. My ex has dissapointed and upset my dc over the 12 years post separation. The divorce was long drawn out but once lawyers tied up house sale it was easier from my point of view. He won't change unfortunately and your dc will grow up with your support and core values. Best thing is to communicate as factually and as little as possible.

Pretend you are really excited about him spending more time with your child. He might change tactics.

Yes definitely going to take the tactic of saying it will be a great thing. There is no way he will spend the money on this he is far too tight.

My question is, do I need to get official evidence in place NOW whilst we are together in order to protect myself further down the line of worst came to worst and he took it all the way through the courts in order to claim his (control) 50:50 custody?

I'm going through this right now and no, they don't stop.

They go from nice to nasty in a heartbeat because it's all they can do, they are just stabbing in the dark with what might work, because they have no real connection to anyone else.

Immediately on leaving mine send about 500 words of long rambling messages trying to hit as many points as possible to make me change my mind.

The he went to demanding my child off me.

When it didn't work he went straight to an expensive solicitor and threw a bag of money at them and they have been taking his demands forward since.

There was no way I was going back. I stayed in the house but if he had any rights to this home I would have simply left because you have to get away from them before you can process the extent of what they have done to you.

I cried for two weeks straight, and I mean that type of crying that's hysterical and you have to literally hold onto something. That wasn't sadness, that was relief and because I had basically just got out of prison. I realised every move I made for years was under scrutiny.

They mess with your mind completely.

Now I feel like I'm on the run from prison because he's trying to maintain control though my child.

Do you have any evidence (texts/bank records/emails/diaries/chats with friends) about his controlling behaviour or emotional abuse?

Forget the GP, go to the police and report him for his controlling behaviour. Anything he did to your child add that and if it did have a direct impact on him consider making a separate statement about that?

Then you will have information from police disclosure that you can request the courts do down the line.

Take as much evidence as you can. Print it out for the police.

Podcast on Spotify, Divorcing the Narcissist

Facebook Dr Jessica Taylor

Also this one https://open.spotify.com/episode/1qfFxEsiiutGxtBhnVZRJc?si=sL4Vi63dRBOWHy2i25cntg&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_messenger

@areyousittingontheremote yes I have loads of text messages and I have friends and family who know the things he's done and were involved at the time. I have photographic evidence of things he's smashed up. Is this enough though?

I've sent you a PM because I don't want to discuss this on here any more as there is too much of me discussing this on here.

The GP recorded what had happened in the past but said as it wasn’t currently happening she did not need to report it further. I was able to assure her that he wasn’t directly abusing the DC at the time, but promised that I would let her know if that changed.

part of the reason for telling the GP is to have a paper trail with the relevant agencies - school, GP and police - so that it can be used in child arrangements for the children later on; my solicitor said that because we had proof of my XH’s temper it would be very difficult for him to ask for 50/50…