If you had an emotionally abusive relationship..

[Ducksinarow1987]

Did they eventually stop trying to control you? I split from ExDP a few weeks ago, we have a shared house to sort and one DS (4) ExDp has flitted between absolute denial and love bombing, to mental breakdown and wanting to end it all, to hating me and trying to manipulate my every move. I'm exhausted.

He hasn't really done anything with our son at all over the years. But now he's getting nowhere with me he's love bombing our son (is this even a thing?) I would love for our son to have a good relationship with his dad but why does it all feel coercive like a way to get at me rather than play his role? I've always done 80% of my sons care (ex is generally disinterested) but suddenly ex is making all sorts of demands. I am due to go away with our son for a break with my parents but ex says I am taking him away from him (I've literally been away with DS so so so many times, most times the ex doesn't even checkin with how he is)

He's never ever suggested so much as a day out for the pair of them without me encouraging him (and then him calling me controlling) but now says he needs to take him away himself (yet he never even gets up with him in the mornings!) I'm so tired of feeling controlled but also like a bad mother for seemingly trying to stop him spending time with his son.

Will it always be like this? Will he always be trying to manipulate me even when we aren't together? I'm so utterly fed up. I want what's best for my son but ex seems only willing to do what is best for him and it makes me so sad.

Yes. I questioned it constantly. But it really was that bad. Posting here helped, as others validated my experience.

Absolutely, and for years, even when i finally left him.

Lots of help from amazing posters on here and events since the separation have shown me that I wasn't imagining it at all... In fact it was far worse than i admitted to myself.

You can do this! 👏

Thankyou ladies. I feel stronger tonight. I'm going away with family at Easter and to reset then hopefully I'll be able to put the next steps into action. Im exhausted with this. It's been a really long day.

I get that I am always going to have to navigate his world because we have a son together but also hoping that things will be better in future. I bought a book about the freedom program but if anyone else can recommend any reading material I would appreciate it. Especially anything on things I can do to deescalate the affect on me. I also enquired about their programs in community centres and started making that log of abusive behaviours.

Ps does anyone ever feel sorry for their ex? I swing between hating him and feeling so utterly sad for him.

Yes - I have never stopped feeling utterly sad for my ex. But I am still
so relieved to have left. I didn’t cause his fundamental problems and I can’t change or control them. As someone else said - grey rock is now second nature to me when dealing with him and generally - I do feel detached most of the time after 2.5 years.

Yes I constantly questioned it and then a lovely friend gave me a copy of Lundy Bancroft. Counselling also helped me to realise my ExH was an abusive AH.

I so wish I could master grey rock.

They can give up, ideally they meet someone else and that poor person becomes the focus of their control and obsession. Definitely will improve once you have your own place.

@Ducksinarow1987, it's 2 years since I got my ex out of my house...I feel the same as you sometimes...I wonder if it was me.....he was an absolute bastard though and has carried on via post-separation abuse, using our child. It is still better knowing he isn't in the house.

I keep notes ref his behaviour which have been useful.

The local domestic abuse charity gave me great counselling. I also did The Freedom Programme online and had some trauma counselling via my GP.

I agree ref Grey Rock. There's some great ppl on YouTube: Dr Ramani, Melanie Tonie Evans, Caroline Strawson

Good luck. It's not easy so be kind to yourself. I didn't realise what a run out he would give me still. Speak to Women's Aid. They will understand xxxx

Yes dearest @Ducksinarow1987 i questioned myself many times, thought I had imagined it, was over-reacting, even wondered if I had somehow convinced myself he was bad through reading stuff on MN! You have not imagined it, it is as bad as you think possibly worse (you will remember and realise once you are free) and you are doing the right thing. Write stuff down and re-read it when you aren’t sure, it’s like smoke this abuse, really hard to
keep hold of. Keep going love, you will get there xxx

My experience is that no, they don’t give up where children are involved. My XH successfully alienated my child from me and their grandparents/extended family. If they were younger I’d have taken it to the family court but at 17 there’s not a lot of recourse.

I’m completely no contact now, in his eyes he is victorious, time will tell. Obviously I was bereft at DC’s actions, I don’t blame DC who has clearly been brainwashed and expect to have to be there for the fall out one day.

Oh and yes I sometimes feel very sorry for him, can see he’s struggling- assuming he’s not faking it of course, which he could be.

But I asked him to get help so that we could start again but he wouldn’t, which left me with no option.

we have been apart for 2 years now, he still plays games but I am wise to them and don’t play back.

he doesn’t deserve you and your lovely son, look after the two of you xx

@FernFairy Be patient. Mine (early 20s) saw the light and came back.

Thank you so much 🙏. Heartbreaking isn’t it.

TBH @FernFairy it was only about 18 months. I sat tight. Repeated my love for them. Kept my lips firmly sealed about their DF and waited for the penny to drop.

It did… but by then they were sorting out a visa to go and live and work in another country. As it turns out, it was to ‘escape’ their DF. The visa won’t last forever… and I’m hopeful they’ll come back.

Nearly 8 years down the line and he is still trying to control me.

I got a book from a psychologist, Don Hennessy , called How He Gets Inside Her Head.

It's a great insight from both victims and abusers, how they groom their victims to eventually harrass and manipulate with the author analysing and explaining things in a simpler form. For me it helped understand that I wasn't overreacting and he was being abusive, it also helped me realise massive red flags and also to recognise patterns in men before its too late, it really helped me with dating after the abuse.

Now I'm in a really healthy happy relationship 3 years later ( after lots of failed dating attempts with a few suspected walking red flags that I was able to recognise quickly and nip in the bud).

Good luck with your journey! Keep us updated 🥰

That looks really good @NessVan, might “treat” myself to that as part of my recovery. Can’t see me going within 10 yards of a man for years after escaping this one, but if it helps me to see red flags in advance rather than in hindsight I will at least be forearmed if I do decide to date at some point.

Does is get any better?

a) From their side, who bloody knows what they will do or say next, no point I’ve learnt figuring out anything from this way around. With these people absolutely anything is possible as they have no fixed identities and beliefs. Don’t waste the time!

b) From your side. Yep you research, you ask questions, you heal and find yourself again, you then realise oh shit it was way worse then I ever imagined and then go to point a) above. You may do this a few times round the carrousel till one day you think oh this I’m getting off, you accept point a) and move on.

oh fuck this….lol it removed my swear word!

I just went no contact and then he couldn't control me any more.

I had to contact him a couple of years ago to get something signed for DS1's passport and he immediately said "This isn't so she can change his name is it?" It wasn't but WTF? You haven't seen your kid for 10 years and you still care about his bloody name?

Do not get scared into staying whatever you do! You'll be so much happier when you've left!
Try and get out of the house as quickly as you can & then go as no contact as possible, only speaking about your son.
Mine were 3 & 1 when I left & he tried all sorts to make me stay, the kids would be devastated (they weren't), I wouldn't find anyone else (I did), he threatened his own life (he did make several unsuccessful attempts each time telling me it was all my fault).

It was terrible for the first year at least with constant phone calls trying to be my friend & show he'd changed, & when that didn't win me back he would flip into his manipulative controlling self, sending nasty messages & refusing to have the kids on his weekends so I couldn't go out & do anything. He hit a new low for him when he threatened revenge porn unless I did what he said, so I had to get the police involved, I then cut all contact with him for months & when I did unblock him I will only speak to him about contact, nothing else. And that has definitely helped, you just have to be strong & a bit harsh with it & don't discuss anything else.

I also used to feel sorry for my ex but then I think of all the things he's done & lies he tells, the little effort he puts into his kids & I'm straight back to not having the sympathy for him .. You'll get there!

Yep they carry on even worse once they've lost who there controlling

GREY ROCK TIPS for @PopGoesTheProsecco and anybody else.

I found it helpful to have "go-to" phrases and responses which I could practice in my head, and in the mirror until I got the hang of it.

Regardless of what's being said to you, it's a selection of the following...

"Uh-huh. Mmm. Uh-huh. Okay, bye."
"Oh. Hmm. Right. Okay. Anyway I'm off now."
"Hmm. Uh-huh. Oh dear." (look at watch) "Okay. See you. Bye."

You offer absolutely NOTHING in return.

If someone is demanding an answer about something, then go, "I'll get back to you on that."

Thanks so much for these. This thread has been absolutely invaluable. I've started looking at the grey rock videos on YouTube.

Trying to grey rock whilst having to jointly make so very big decisions could be really tricky though. I will do my best to disengage with him. It's the childcare stuff that pushes my buttons. The more I react, the more he uses it. I will have to try really really really hard to keep my cool with that one