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Original poster

Did my Husband SA me?

114 replies

Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 18:58

this threads very graphic, look away now if you’re easily offended!

its so hard to give you 15years of back story and know where to start so I’m sorry if it’s muddled. but basically my husbands goneaway do this weekend. He got some white stuff for it (I used to do it to on occasion, he still does very rarely, nothing like this has happened before either on or off it)

so on Thursday night he “tested a bit out before the weekend away”. ( whatever, to me that’s not an issue in itself) the issue is I woke up at 4am Friday morning to him stroking the very side of my you know, had a little tug on my knickers and was also having a tug on his you know. So I woke up and said to him what are you doing that’s not ok, he stopped, laid there in silence for 15 mins, I went outside for a min (felt physically sick and confused). Came back in and turned the light on and put pj bottoms on (was just wearing a nightie and knickers). He said he’s really sorry and he now feels like he’s r**ed me, I said my bit that I felt sick what do you think you’re doing etc, he said he can go sleep on sofa and I didn’t answer, expecting he would. Anyway he didn’t, couldn’t obviously go back to sleep and about half hour later he’s watching a video I did for him and getting excited over it again. I’ve obviously told him how disgusting it is etc etc etc. he’s apologised multiple times and I haven’t said much back. Luckily he’s away this weekend and I’ve been able to think without him here. In my head I think I know it’s sexual assault, and I feel like both options for me are shit, let him stay and think that’s acceptable or let him go and ruin our lives together and our kids lives, families lives etc by having to explain the reason we broke up (or not and make it look like we just broke up after all these years for no reason)

so I don’t know what I’m asking for , because I will be the one to decide what I do anyway, but I guess just your 2 cents, and some reassurance that I’m not overreacting?

some notes: I know full well the reason that happened is because of what he was on, there is no way in hell he will be doing that ever again after this weekend if he thinks he’s gonna stay in this house so I don’t see it happening again. We truly are best friends, he’s my soul mate and we’ve been through a HELL of a lot in 15 years, he’s never once let me down apart from this, so I’m not just some mug who’s staying cos she’s scared or making excuses for him, trust me! TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 19:00

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes. I wrote that quickly whilst the children were awake. More notes I should add: we have 2 young children and own our house together and are married. so it’s not straight a forward split if that’s the decision

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 19:14

What gets me is he says he’s sorry and feels like he’s done that but still feels horny and watches a video of me?!

OP posts:
ourflagmeansdeath · 26/03/2023 19:18

He did SA you and you are not overreacting at all.

Gingerkittykat · 26/03/2023 19:37

You are not overreacting, he sexually assaulted you and then masturbating in bed next to you is a bizarre reaction to being called out.

Is there any way you can delete any images and videos he has of you?

spexsavers · 26/03/2023 19:45

The thought of this disgusts me, I remember my exH being on this shit and it would make him really horny but his cock would shrink to the size of a chipolata and he'd never cum, but wouldn't give up either. Gave me the serious ick. It was worse when he took Valium. Don't know what I was thinking staying with him so long and putting up with it continuously.

If I were you and it was a one off and he definitely didn't do drugs again I could probably get past it if there were kids involved. In a less complicated situation I'd be out the door. Not that I condone it just that I know it's not black and white.

Tbh what you describe would probably wake me up feeling a bit hot and horny if my current partner did it, but he's a different kettle of fish to my ex altogether, and doesn't take any drugs, and I've agreed waking me up is fair game if he fancies in the night.

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 19:59

spexsavers · 26/03/2023 19:45

The thought of this disgusts me, I remember my exH being on this shit and it would make him really horny but his cock would shrink to the size of a chipolata and he'd never cum, but wouldn't give up either. Gave me the serious ick. It was worse when he took Valium. Don't know what I was thinking staying with him so long and putting up with it continuously.

If I were you and it was a one off and he definitely didn't do drugs again I could probably get past it if there were kids involved. In a less complicated situation I'd be out the door. Not that I condone it just that I know it's not black and white.

Tbh what you describe would probably wake me up feeling a bit hot and horny if my current partner did it, but he's a different kettle of fish to my ex altogether, and doesn't take any drugs, and I've agreed waking me up is fair game if he fancies in the night.

That's interesting, because I don't know if that was his intention. It's such a grey area when it's your husband and you have a lot of naughty fun usually. And I think the difference is he said he didn't mean to wake me up, he was just sorting himself out whilst I was asleep and took it too far apparently.

Forgot to mention he also had his phone torch on under the covers and was looking at me down there apparently (at least he's honest). The whole thing has given me the ick and I feel like my reasons for staying wouldn't be because I forgive him. It's going to take a LOT of trust building to even want to go near him with a 10 foot barge pole again. I feel like it's SA but I need to hear it from other people. Thank you for your balanced reply ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 20:01

Gingerkittykat · 26/03/2023 19:37

You are not overreacting, he sexually assaulted you and then masturbating in bed next to you is a bizarre reaction to being called out.

Is there any way you can delete any images and videos he has of you?

It is bizarre isn't it. Again all due to the drugs not the way he is usually. There would obviously be a straight ban on anything in the house, and a no 3rd chances rule. But I don't know if even with that I can forgive him and let him think that I'm going to accept something like that.

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FannyPhart · 26/03/2023 20:02

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DanceMonster · 26/03/2023 20:05

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She was asleep. You can’t consent while you’re asleep. Of course people can touch each other without ‘a written contract’… normally there is implied consent by way of body language, reciprocating the touch etc. If you’re asleep, there is no implied consent.

DanceMonster · 26/03/2023 20:06

And it doesn’t have to be rape to be sexual assault.

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 20:07

This reply has been deleted

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Well that's why I was asking what you consider SA?! I didn't say he did, I said I'm so confused if he did. He doesn't need a written contract that's ridiculous, but I can't imagine groping him when he's asleep, I just find that weird. I'm asking for opinions but not such rudeness when I'm in such a state about it anyway. I wasn't sure what you were allowed to say online now days so I didn't incase it got taken down for some pathetic reason! Jesus, crawl back under your rock.

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Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 20:09

This reply has been deleted

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According to Google SA isn't just penetrative. It's any sexual kind of act that makes you feel uncomfortable. So that's why I'm asking real peoples thoughts. I'd have really appreciated yours if you have worded it a bit more like a lady

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Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 20:11

Gingerkittykat · 26/03/2023 19:37

You are not overreacting, he sexually assaulted you and then masturbating in bed next to you is a bizarre reaction to being called out.

Is there any way you can delete any images and videos he has of you?

He has them because I like to spice things up by sending them and we both prefer him to watch me not someone else. So if I'd have woken up and he was watching that and doing whatever then I would have just rolled over and gone back to sleep. But yes, after saying he feels like he raped me and then still feeling horny is one of the worst bits for me

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Daffodilsandbeer · 26/03/2023 20:14

I’m not finding this very graphic. Can we instead of using euphemisms just be clear.

your husband was stroking the very side of your vulva Over your knickers when he was high and you were sleeping. He stopped immediately when you told him not to. Your question is have you been assaulted.

is this correct?

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 20:14

I looked on forums like here to see if anyone had mentioned the same kind of thing and people's reactions but only found that people had been penetrated in their sleep. That's obviously a get the fuck out of there situation, but I feel mines so confusing

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DojaPhat · 26/03/2023 20:14

Is there are reason you're being coy with language?

Daffodilsandbeer · 26/03/2023 20:14

But yes, after saying he feels like he raped me and then still feeling horny is one of the worst bits for me

does he not know what rape is?

MarchMadness23 · 26/03/2023 20:16

I would suggest people don't tell their own stories.

Thelifeofawife · 26/03/2023 20:17

When I read your first post I thought okay it’s not something you find acceptable but he was just chancing his luck to arouse you. And now he knows you’re not happy he shouldn’t do it again.
My DH wakes me up in the night sometimes but it’s usually with a kiss or stroking my side, and if I respond positively then game on, but sometimes I just give him a quick peck which indicates “not tonight” and he leaves it at that.

However, from reading your update, your DH not only went a step too far by going straight into your knickers, but he was there with a torch, trying to not wake you up! That’s really disgusting. He had no intention of waking you to participate in the act. It was definitely SA.
Sorry OP

Worthless1 · 26/03/2023 20:17

I suppose it depends on your relationship. Within my relationship I wouldn't consider it sexual assault. Sometimes if my partner wakes he will cuddle upto me bad things may go further. However I have no issue with this.

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 20:18

Daffodilsandbeer · 26/03/2023 20:14

I’m not finding this very graphic. Can we instead of using euphemisms just be clear.

your husband was stroking the very side of your vulva Over your knickers when he was high and you were sleeping. He stopped immediately when you told him not to. Your question is have you been assaulted.

is this correct?

Sorry, like I said I wasn't sure what I can and can't write online now days without being removed. Yes he was stroking vagina outside underneath knickers and tugging on my knickers and masturbating ( and told me afterwards had his phone torch on and looking at him stroking my vagina when I woke up. Then I said I wasn't happy about it and he said he was sorry and feels like he'd SA me, but then went on to masturbate over a video of me. So you can't be that sickened by your actions if you're still getting off on it. That's the weirdest bit for me

OP posts:
Deeplydevoted · 26/03/2023 20:18

MarchMadness23 · 26/03/2023 20:16

I would suggest people don't tell their own stories.

Agree. Getting those vibes here myself.

Daffodilsandbeer · 26/03/2023 20:18

*your DH not only went a step too far by going straight into your knickers8

im so confused, where does she say he was in her knickers? I see she says he tugged them but not he was in them?

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 20:18

DojaPhat · 26/03/2023 20:14

Is there are reason you're being coy with language?

Yes, sorry, I didn't know what I can and can't say without getting removed. Never posted on here so didn't know what the situation was. Now I know you can say what you like!

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Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 20:19

Daffodilsandbeer · 26/03/2023 20:14

But yes, after saying he feels like he raped me and then still feeling horny is one of the worst bits for me

does he not know what rape is?

No clearly not because I don't think it's rape. But I think it's not ok. I think it was his turn of phrase

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