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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my Husband SA me?

114 replies

Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 18:58

this threads very graphic, look away now if you’re easily offended!

its so hard to give you 15years of back story and know where to start so I’m sorry if it’s muddled. but basically my husbands goneaway do this weekend. He got some white stuff for it (I used to do it to on occasion, he still does very rarely, nothing like this has happened before either on or off it)

so on Thursday night he “tested a bit out before the weekend away”. ( whatever, to me that’s not an issue in itself) the issue is I woke up at 4am Friday morning to him stroking the very side of my you know, had a little tug on my knickers and was also having a tug on his you know. So I woke up and said to him what are you doing that’s not ok, he stopped, laid there in silence for 15 mins, I went outside for a min (felt physically sick and confused). Came back in and turned the light on and put pj bottoms on (was just wearing a nightie and knickers). He said he’s really sorry and he now feels like he’s r**ed me, I said my bit that I felt sick what do you think you’re doing etc, he said he can go sleep on sofa and I didn’t answer, expecting he would. Anyway he didn’t, couldn’t obviously go back to sleep and about half hour later he’s watching a video I did for him and getting excited over it again. I’ve obviously told him how disgusting it is etc etc etc. he’s apologised multiple times and I haven’t said much back. Luckily he’s away this weekend and I’ve been able to think without him here. In my head I think I know it’s sexual assault, and I feel like both options for me are shit, let him stay and think that’s acceptable or let him go and ruin our lives together and our kids lives, families lives etc by having to explain the reason we broke up (or not and make it look like we just broke up after all these years for no reason)

so I don’t know what I’m asking for , because I will be the one to decide what I do anyway, but I guess just your 2 cents, and some reassurance that I’m not overreacting?

some notes: I know full well the reason that happened is because of what he was on, there is no way in hell he will be doing that ever again after this weekend if he thinks he’s gonna stay in this house so I don’t see it happening again. We truly are best friends, he’s my soul mate and we’ve been through a HELL of a lot in 15 years, he’s never once let me down apart from this, so I’m not just some mug who’s staying cos she’s scared or making excuses for him, trust me! TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 21:55

iaapap · 26/03/2023 21:48

This is how to tackle it: Tell him that if he wants to touch you that you want him to wake you up first, if that is what you want.

Context is really needed as to whether he is abusive/rapey in general. One man's drug addled wanking and clumsy stroking is another man's sexual abuse and assault. Only you really know.

The drugs are a problem. Ask him to stop taking them. He has a family on which that money should have been spent and he needs to behave like a responsible grown up. Not to have drugs in a home where there are little kids, not to get so off his face that you wonder whether he has sexually assaulted you.

Definitely not abusive and rapey, that's why I think it's caught me off guard and I'm so confused by it all.

You don't need to worry about where his money should be spent. Me and my kids are spoilt rotten and he's a very hard working tax paying man, so I don't know if that's necessary. But yes agree about the getting so off his face, and like I said in original message that will be the biggest factor in moving forwards.

I'm sorry if it sounds as though my back has got up, you're not the one to have done that

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 21:57

Flowersintheattic57 · 26/03/2023 21:39

The important thing is how you feel about it. It made you feel bad and he realised in his drug induced haze that he had made you feel bad and he apologised, but carried on sorting himself out. Cocaine makes people the most selfish twats on the planet.
It’s not just the fact that people fuck up in a relationship, it’s what they do about it afterwards. Brushing it under the rug is not a great option because you have a lot to lose.
Talk it through, it’s going to take a while before you trust him again. You might want to go couple counselling together to rebuild your relationship. Take your time. This has obviously thrown you and you need some space to get your head round what happened.

Thank you very much for your kind and human reply! I hadn't thought of counselling this whole weekend I've been mulling it over and it's a good idea. Appreciate it.

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 26/03/2023 22:04

I think it depends on the dynamic of the relationship whether this is wrong or not. However you felt uncomfortable so what he did is not right for you, but by the sounds of things you have a great relationship and he was high on drugs. If he had done it without the drugs then it would be a worry but obviously his mind was distorted so just make sure he never takes coke again.

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:06

Daffodil18 · 26/03/2023 22:04

I think it depends on the dynamic of the relationship whether this is wrong or not. However you felt uncomfortable so what he did is not right for you, but by the sounds of things you have a great relationship and he was high on drugs. If he had done it without the drugs then it would be a worry but obviously his mind was distorted so just make sure he never takes coke again.

This is a very good point of view, thank you. These sensible opinions help me to see clearer so I really appreciate them. I know in my heart without the coke this just wouldn't have even happened so I need to separate the two situations. And if he's not willing to go without forever then there's my answer

OP posts:
Sweet89 · 26/03/2023 22:11

I wouldn't class that as SA imo. My partner occasionally touches me when I'm asleep, and if I'm not in the mood, I'll just say not now, and he goes back to sleep, not an issue. However, if I woke up to him touching me whilst getting off and also using a torch to look at my bits, I'd get the major ICK! utterly gross. It'd take some time for me to get over that. Now he knows that you're not OK with that behaviour, hopefully he'll not do it in the future, if he does then he needs the boot!

Inthedeep · 26/03/2023 22:13

I don’t have a problem with my partner touching me like that, however it’s always been with the goal of waking me up. I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation about would it be okay to wake the other up like this but neither of us seems to have an issue with it.

It is weird that his goal wasn’t to wake you up, but I think this is almost certainly the coke in action. In your situation I think I’d tell him to cut it out at the time but probably wouldn’t make it into a big deal breaker relationship wise. Did you discuss it at all before he left?

I do think the coke taking is an issue and do you really want that in your house and around your kids? Hopefully this will be a wake up call for him and he’ll realise that maybe he doesn’t have the best judgement whilst on it and to stop taking it. If it’s only occasional use, giving up completely shouldn’t be hard. If you can, try not to take the fact that he masturbated again 30 minutes later to heart, he was on coke, he wasn’t thinking rationally, from what you’ve said this was the coke in action and not how your partner would usually act.

Personally I’d be addressing this with him as a drug issue, rather than sexual assault. Make him aware how uncomfortable the whole experience has made you feel and that his behaviour isn’t acceptable. If I was you I’d make future drug use as a redline for your relationship and make him aware of that. For you to get past this though I do think you are going to have to mark it up to a stupid drug related mistake, set your boundaries moving forward and put it behind you and forget about it.

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:13

Sweet89 · 26/03/2023 22:11

I wouldn't class that as SA imo. My partner occasionally touches me when I'm asleep, and if I'm not in the mood, I'll just say not now, and he goes back to sleep, not an issue. However, if I woke up to him touching me whilst getting off and also using a torch to look at my bits, I'd get the major ICK! utterly gross. It'd take some time for me to get over that. Now he knows that you're not OK with that behaviour, hopefully he'll not do it in the future, if he does then he needs the boot!

Thank you. Completely how I feel, nice to be understood.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:17

Inthedeep · 26/03/2023 22:13

I don’t have a problem with my partner touching me like that, however it’s always been with the goal of waking me up. I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation about would it be okay to wake the other up like this but neither of us seems to have an issue with it.

It is weird that his goal wasn’t to wake you up, but I think this is almost certainly the coke in action. In your situation I think I’d tell him to cut it out at the time but probably wouldn’t make it into a big deal breaker relationship wise. Did you discuss it at all before he left?

I do think the coke taking is an issue and do you really want that in your house and around your kids? Hopefully this will be a wake up call for him and he’ll realise that maybe he doesn’t have the best judgement whilst on it and to stop taking it. If it’s only occasional use, giving up completely shouldn’t be hard. If you can, try not to take the fact that he masturbated again 30 minutes later to heart, he was on coke, he wasn’t thinking rationally, from what you’ve said this was the coke in action and not how your partner would usually act.

Personally I’d be addressing this with him as a drug issue, rather than sexual assault. Make him aware how uncomfortable the whole experience has made you feel and that his behaviour isn’t acceptable. If I was you I’d make future drug use as a redline for your relationship and make him aware of that. For you to get past this though I do think you are going to have to mark it up to a stupid drug related mistake, set your boundaries moving forward and put it behind you and forget about it.

Thank you I really appreciate this, I think this is the route I need to take. The coke itself and the taking of it is never inside the house or within any distance to the children as I wouldn't accept that full stop. We didn't really get chance to speak, I couldn't really look at him when I first got up and then I left for work and he left for weekend away so it's definitely something that will feel clearer after a decent conversation with him and boundaries being put in place

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/03/2023 22:20

Yes it's assault.

We'd all react differently depending on the relationship/previous discussions etc.

But if you feel invaded then you're allowed to feel that way. It's OK to feel disgusted, hurt, even afraid...

You're not wrong that it is sexual assault.

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:21

IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/03/2023 22:20

Yes it's assault.

We'd all react differently depending on the relationship/previous discussions etc.

But if you feel invaded then you're allowed to feel that way. It's OK to feel disgusted, hurt, even afraid...

You're not wrong that it is sexual assault.

Thank you

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/03/2023 22:24

That's OK. It is confusing after years of consensual sex and fantasises etc to know where the line is.

But the line is that you felt uncomfortable and unsafe. He crossed the line. He did something sexual to you that you didn't consent to, didn't like and hadn't previously said would be OK.

That means it's assault. Would it ever be prosecuted? Without (video, witness) proof no. But that doesn't minimise your feelings and the fact you now feel awful because your husband crossed your boundary.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry he assaulted you.

Inthedeep · 26/03/2023 22:24

One thing I’m curious about, I get that he’s away this weekend but has he rung or messaged you at all, or shown any remorse since Thursday night? Is he aware of how upset you are?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/03/2023 22:25

Also while coke makes you horny it's not an excuse for his actions. Someone isn't absolved of rape, murder, assault on a stranger because they're on drugs... so why your wife/partner?

No. It's a partial reason but it's not a valid defence.

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:27

Inthedeep · 26/03/2023 22:24

One thing I’m curious about, I get that he’s away this weekend but has he rung or messaged you at all, or shown any remorse since Thursday night? Is he aware of how upset you are?

I sent him a long message with all my feelings about it and he apologised again in a text, and when I got back from work there was a sincerely apologetic note left out for me. He's taken the blame and understands he did wrong which is why I haven't just changed the locks😂

But that was basically all the communication. We're not ones for bothering eachother when we're doing something like what he's doing this weekend so that's normal for us

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:28

IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/03/2023 22:25

Also while coke makes you horny it's not an excuse for his actions. Someone isn't absolved of rape, murder, assault on a stranger because they're on drugs... so why your wife/partner?

No. It's a partial reason but it's not a valid defence.

No I know it's not, and he hasn't tried to excuse it in that way otherwise I wouldn't accept that either

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 26/03/2023 22:29

Icecreamandapplepie · 26/03/2023 21:11

All kinds of alarm bells here re this thread.

In case you are genuine, I think you're being way ott about one isolated incident.

I agree. I hope you are genuine. If so, I think in an otherwise good relationship you can talk through how it made you feel, that you never want it to happen again and that drugs are an absolute no-no.

The hysteria about calling the police is helping absolutely noone. Sometimes MN just is so extreme. If you had just met this man and he did this to you in your sleep that's a totally different story- he's someone you love and trust and know, and can communicate to that you just don't like it. 15 years of a good relationship shouldnt be thrown away.

Inthedeep · 26/03/2023 22:32

I’m really glad he has apologised since and he’s aware how uncomfortable it made you feel. Well done for sending the text. Hopefully when he gets home tomorrow you can both talk it out and he will put measures in place (not take drugs again) to ensure nothing like this ever happens again.

SaturdayGiraffe · 26/03/2023 22:34

Drugs just remove inhibitions. They don’t change people. My worry would be that he wants to behave like this usually, but holds it back.
This time nothing held him back.

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:34

SaturdayGiraffe · 26/03/2023 22:34

Drugs just remove inhibitions. They don’t change people. My worry would be that he wants to behave like this usually, but holds it back.
This time nothing held him back.

A similar thought crossed my mind and I pushed it away

OP posts:
JDHC · 26/03/2023 22:36

He tried some cocaine at home before his weekend away!?

So you have drugs in your HOME and you have kids?! I hope to god the kids aren't young and living at home.

If they are at home and you and your husband have drugs in the home and actively USE them (he did drugs at home when he tried them?) then you need your kids taking away.

What awful parenting.

JDHC · 26/03/2023 22:37

You say you don't do drugs when your kids are around. We're your kids at home when your husband tried his drugs and was on cocaine in bed?

Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:37

SaturdayGiraffe · 26/03/2023 22:34

Drugs just remove inhibitions. They don’t change people. My worry would be that he wants to behave like this usually, but holds it back.
This time nothing held him back.

This definitely needs to be one to add to my list of questions and thoughts! Thanks for voicing it properly (what went through my head was he must be so weird and pervy deep down for that to come up on drugs). Partly the reason I asked for peoples opinions is so they can help properly word these things for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:39

JDHC · 26/03/2023 22:37

You say you don't do drugs when your kids are around. We're your kids at home when your husband tried his drugs and was on cocaine in bed?

No, not in my HOME. The drugs or kids. You don't need to worry yourself about that, im not an awful parent. I've already explained there never has been and never would be an instance where they could be in contact with the drugs or him on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmad · 26/03/2023 22:40

JDHC · 26/03/2023 22:37

You say you don't do drugs when your kids are around. We're your kids at home when your husband tried his drugs and was on cocaine in bed?

And I don't do drugs at all, haven't done since we started trying for child number 1. Don't get it twisted

OP posts:
Antiquiteas · 26/03/2023 22:41

A man who stocked up on a load of marching powder for his boys’ weekend, hoofs a load to ‘try it out’ and then sexually assaults his wife with two
small kids in the house. Lovely.

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