Did my Husband SA me?

[Confusedandmad]

this threads very graphic, look away now if you’re easily offended!

its so hard to give you 15years of back story and know where to start so I’m sorry if it’s muddled. but basically my husbands goneaway do this weekend. He got some white stuff for it (I used to do it to on occasion, he still does very rarely, nothing like this has happened before either on or off it)

so on Thursday night he “tested a bit out before the weekend away”. ( whatever, to me that’s not an issue in itself) the issue is I woke up at 4am Friday morning to him stroking the very side of my you know, had a little tug on my knickers and was also having a tug on his you know. So I woke up and said to him what are you doing that’s not ok, he stopped, laid there in silence for 15 mins, I went outside for a min (felt physically sick and confused). Came back in and turned the light on and put pj bottoms on (was just wearing a nightie and knickers). He said he’s really sorry and he now feels like he’s r**ed me, I said my bit that I felt sick what do you think you’re doing etc, he said he can go sleep on sofa and I didn’t answer, expecting he would. Anyway he didn’t, couldn’t obviously go back to sleep and about half hour later he’s watching a video I did for him and getting excited over it again. I’ve obviously told him how disgusting it is etc etc etc. he’s apologised multiple times and I haven’t said much back. Luckily he’s away this weekend and I’ve been able to think without him here. In my head I think I know it’s sexual assault, and I feel like both options for me are shit, let him stay and think that’s acceptable or let him go and ruin our lives together and our kids lives, families lives etc by having to explain the reason we broke up (or not and make it look like we just broke up after all these years for no reason)

so I don’t know what I’m asking for , because I will be the one to decide what I do anyway, but I guess just your 2 cents, and some reassurance that I’m not overreacting?

some notes: I know full well the reason that happened is because of what he was on, there is no way in hell he will be doing that ever again after this weekend if he thinks he’s gonna stay in this house so I don’t see it happening again. We truly are best friends, he’s my soul mate and we’ve been through a HELL of a lot in 15 years, he’s never once let me down apart from this, so I’m not just some mug who’s staying cos she’s scared or making excuses for him, trust me! TIA

How are the kids in the house being brought into this? People seem to be adding their own details 🤔

But yes, aside from the kids being in the house the rest is the pretty shit reality of my life right now. Thanks for pointing it out so bluntly

That is the most problematic but for me. Some couples have different rules re consent. Some have a blanket "you can touch me unless I say no" some people have "you can only touch me when I have said yes". These are not at all the same thing. Neither is wrong as long as everyone is happy and feels safe in those boundaries.

He knew you were sleeping and decided to do it, so he disregarded your consent. You had not explicitly agreed this was ok, so it was not. You demonstrated obvious upset. You told him you felt sick. He did not comfort you, apologise and talk about readdressing boundaries. He decided to wank beside you. Wtf?!

I would be having a serious think and a lot if serious talking if this is to go on.

Where did he do it then? Were the kids not in the house, then? I must have missed that bit.

I've tried to be vague to not out myself if anyone knew me so I don't really want to have to explain the lay out of my house, buildings and gardens. They are taken outside of the house where the kids cant get to and the kids were sleeping elsewhere anyway

Trust me him getting into bed and having a wank would be the very least of my worries if there was any possible way he or the drugs were anywhere near my children. There would be no coked up husband in bed and there would be no wanking because I'd have sent him packing long ago. We're really not awful people no matter how others try to portray us

I don’t think you’re awful, OP. I think he might be a bit for how he behaved.

Yes, just a bit! Thanks for the reassurance I'm not OTT

You woke up this time. How can you be sure he hasn't done this before bit you didn't wake up?

I think it is SA. Using you sexually without your permission. Simple.
The torch thing would have got to me a lot. That is just creepy and seedy.
I wouldn’t be able to be in the same bed as him ever again after that behaviour. It’s so grim.
I would also be concerned about how he was behaving on the weekend away. If he can behave like that after a little bit of cocaine with his wife then how does he behave when he’s away from home and taking a hell of a lot more. Will he be as uncontrollable then? What does he get up to?
I would be insisting the drugs stop permanently. No leeway on that.

Exactly this ! Really not worth making a huge deal over or splitting up over if the relationship is otherwise fine. Then again I really wouldn't be with someone who did drugs and became unpredictable on them as would find it hard to trust them.

I am surprised at the responses on here OP. I have posted about something similar, altho it has happened more than once and has gone further, and the responses have been a lot stronger.

By law SA is any form of sexual touching that is not consented too. You cannot give consent when asleep (unless you have agreed beforehand maybe) so it meets the definition. Regardless of how other people wud view it, you are clearly upset and feel like a boundary has been crossed. The fact that he was trying not to wake you up also doesn't sit right with me. You are right to feel disrespected OP and must do what's right for you.

@Confusedandmad I hope your talk with your husband went okay yesterday and you’ve managed to sort some things out.

I think this is all very balanced from both @Daffodil18 and you OP.

If your relationship breaks up, it will be because of coke.

Your relationship sounds very good and he sounds like a largely good man and father.

That his drug use would bring you to this place is sad and shocking.

So if you separate, you can be clear with your family that his coke habit and its impact has ended your marriage.

Be clear with him on that point.

Is he ready to break up his family, end his marriage because of his habit?