Did my Husband SA me?

[Confusedandmad]

this threads very graphic, look away now if you’re easily offended!

its so hard to give you 15years of back story and know where to start so I’m sorry if it’s muddled. but basically my husbands goneaway do this weekend. He got some white stuff for it (I used to do it to on occasion, he still does very rarely, nothing like this has happened before either on or off it)

so on Thursday night he “tested a bit out before the weekend away”. ( whatever, to me that’s not an issue in itself) the issue is I woke up at 4am Friday morning to him stroking the very side of my you know, had a little tug on my knickers and was also having a tug on his you know. So I woke up and said to him what are you doing that’s not ok, he stopped, laid there in silence for 15 mins, I went outside for a min (felt physically sick and confused). Came back in and turned the light on and put pj bottoms on (was just wearing a nightie and knickers). He said he’s really sorry and he now feels like he’s r**ed me, I said my bit that I felt sick what do you think you’re doing etc, he said he can go sleep on sofa and I didn’t answer, expecting he would. Anyway he didn’t, couldn’t obviously go back to sleep and about half hour later he’s watching a video I did for him and getting excited over it again. I’ve obviously told him how disgusting it is etc etc etc. he’s apologised multiple times and I haven’t said much back. Luckily he’s away this weekend and I’ve been able to think without him here. In my head I think I know it’s sexual assault, and I feel like both options for me are shit, let him stay and think that’s acceptable or let him go and ruin our lives together and our kids lives, families lives etc by having to explain the reason we broke up (or not and make it look like we just broke up after all these years for no reason)

so I don’t know what I’m asking for , because I will be the one to decide what I do anyway, but I guess just your 2 cents, and some reassurance that I’m not overreacting?

some notes: I know full well the reason that happened is because of what he was on, there is no way in hell he will be doing that ever again after this weekend if he thinks he’s gonna stay in this house so I don’t see it happening again. We truly are best friends, he’s my soul mate and we’ve been through a HELL of a lot in 15 years, he’s never once let me down apart from this, so I’m not just some mug who’s staying cos she’s scared or making excuses for him, trust me! TIA

It wouldn't bother me in a good relationship

That's interesting, thank you. These comments of people saying they feel it's normal make me feel better, because I don't want it to be true. I think maybe it was just so left field for him and us its thrown me.

Agreed!

@Confusedandmad assuming this is real, then I am not confused at all and do not regard this as SA.

I would, however, not want anything to do with someone who took drugs.

And I am confused by you telling another poster off for not "wording it a bit more like a lady", and now you're fuck-ing and vagina-ing away with the best of them.

All kinds of alarm bells here re this thread.

In case you are genuine, I think you're being way ott about one isolated incident.

@traniel

Is this real? 🥴

Do people honestly come on here and waste their evening asking for advice on a lie. This is not the sort of supportive environment I thought it was.

Like a lady meaning being so rude and trying to tear down another woman. Not saying fuck and vagina 🙄

Seriously? What makes it seem like I'm not genuine. I'm more confused now than I was when I came here 😂.

Thank you, I appreciate the comment about an isolated incident, this is what my rational brain tells me and then suddenly my (maybe) irrational brain tells me you can't accept this in case it shows you're willing to put up with it.

I wouldn't consider this to be sexual assault. After a few months of being with a partner and having sex with them multiple times I'd probably be quite happy for them to wake me up by stroking me gently, and if I said I wasn't interested and they stopped I wouldn't think any more about it.

I agree. He wasn't trying to wake me up though. He was trying to use me to get off by himself. Some have said "using you for his sexual gratification" and that really makes sense, SA is probably way too strong but I did feel a bit used and very physically sick the way it happened

I can't believe these responses, this place is a parallel universe sometimes!

I don't understand what you mean 😂🙈.

I wasn't prepared for mumsnet that's for sure.

I mean I can't believe that posters have said you're OTT or overreacting! It's definitely sexual assault in my book and he'd only do it the fucking once

But I have to expect that when I'm looking for opinions. I kind of hoped for some "you're overreacting" comments because I don't want this to be such a big awful place where my brain keeps going. It also explains my reason for feeling one way one minute and another way the next because clearly nobody can agree! Which is comforting in itself. Some are very harsh and unnecessary though, thanks for having my back

It is sexual assault. It’s not ambiguous. The only uncertain point is what you might choose to do about it.

Yes that's the problem. He's coming back tomorrow and I don't know how to confront it. I've got a lot of questions which need answering firstly so I guess we will see how the conversation goes.

I agree with this. I've been in abusive relationships where this happened and it definitely was SA. I've also been in loving relationships where it wasn't.

You say your relationship is happy and that you're soul mates. He was on drugs and not himself this one single time. And to be honest, anyone knows that if they do that to their partner the partner is going to wake up (unless you sleep like the dead).

I would not see this as SA, but as a serious lapse of judgement by him whilst under the influence. I certainly wouldn't throw away a happy relationship because of it.

You have to decide what would be important to you in order to make you feel safe in this relationship in the future - if you can feel safe in this relationship. Safety in this context perhaps being certain that it would not happen again.

And as a side issue for other posters (not in reference to your situation as this didn’t happen), the law would most likely view “consent” given in advance (I’m happy for to touch me sexually in my sleep) as a lack of consent. You don’t have capacity to consent when you are asleep and consent requires capacity. Consent must also be given contemporaneously.

It seems some people enjoy being woken up like this, and others not so much.

Not one person has described being woken up by their partner inspecting their genitals with a torch. I would have serious fucking ick about that.

That's some heavy backtracking. What you objected to was the poster who said Rape is penetrative sex. Not touching the side or your you know what. You can say vagina by the way

She wasn't in the slightest bit rude or tearing anyone done. She was being factual. You are the one who was talking about your you know (in bold type), then all of a sudden you launch into a completely different idiom.

I would like to know why it's ok for your partner to take cocaine. What kind of parent is he?

The reason people suspect threads like this of not being true is that they encourage other posters to describe their own experiences for those of a hairy-handed persuasion to use as wank fodder.

I just want to be really clear, I know 100% he wasn't trying to wake me up, I knew that anyway before he admitted it. But he has confirmed he wasn't trying to wake me up to get fruity, so that's not part of the issues

The important thing is how you feel about it. It made you feel bad and he realised in his drug induced haze that he had made you feel bad and he apologised, but carried on sorting himself out. Cocaine makes people the most selfish twats on the planet.
It’s not just the fact that people fuck up in a relationship, it’s what they do about it afterwards. Brushing it under the rug is not a great option because you have a lot to lose.
Talk it through, it’s going to take a while before you trust him again. You might want to go couple counselling together to rebuild your relationship. Take your time. This has obviously thrown you and you need some space to get your head round what happened.

@traniel

It came across very rude.

I'm really not here to upset anyone, my post is purely for people's opinions to help me to understand my feelings, and some of the comments have done that, and the fact no one can agree has also helped. I'm sorry it was in bold, I didn't know that when you put a star in there it turned bold, honestly I didn't, you can see I've never posted before! And it never once crossed my mind that someone would detail their experience and other may get off on it, that makes me feel sick all over again. I was expecting comments of either "that is SA". Or "I think you're overreacting" and I'd gage what others in relationships think of the situation instead of just the probably very outdated Google answer and law, because at the end of the day there are real feelings involved here. For anyone to read all my replies and hear me properly and then say am I real is just beyond me.

I just came here for some opinions and some support and didn't realise mumsnet was such a dark and disgusting world sometimes.

No offence or perverse or whatever the hell apparently goes on here was intended I promise you that much. I'm a 30 year old woman sitting in bed watching the real housewives (🙈) and thinking how am I supposed to go around this when he comes home tomorrow, what would other people do? I can't post on a Facebook group and risk someone I know seeing it, I can't speak to friends and family and risk ruining all our relationships with it if their opinion was bad and we sort things out so I thought I'd come here. And quite honestly it was a mistake

This is how to tackle it: Tell him that if he wants to touch you that you want him to wake you up first, if that is what you want.

Context is really needed as to whether he is abusive/rapey in general. One man's drug addled wanking and clumsy stroking is another man's sexual abuse and assault. Only you really know.

The drugs are a problem. Ask him to stop taking them. He has a family on which that money should have been spent and he needs to behave like a responsible grown up. Not to have drugs in a home where there are little kids, not to get so off his face that you wonder whether he has sexually assaulted you.

@Cigarettesaftersex1 Yes - I'm afraid MN is full of trolls wanting women to detail their sex lives, especially if there's something unusual involved (anal, rape, wetting themselves, shitting themselves etc). Hence the PP (with whom I agreed) saying that people ought not to recount their own stories. But I hope you find a resolution to yours.

@traniel

Oh and he's a fantastic dad, works extremely long hours and then helps with the kids more than anyone I know, and a fantastic husband other than this occasion. Whatever he does when the kids are nowhere near him doesn't affect them in the slightest, he financially provides for all of us, every single bills paid on time and he very rarely treats himself to that, maybe two, three times a year and has never affected any of our lives before. There's my honest answer, not that I'm entirely sure how relevant that is. My original post probably sounds like nonsense because I quickly rushed down as much info as I could to get peoples balanced opinions. That was pointless quite clearly

Very much this.