Fabulous guy but..

[cheesecadet]

So you love everything you've seen so far (relationship of 2 months) and he shows you some photos on his phone, but tells you he had to delete the filth that his mates send him (says he deletes it straight away normally). When I ask him what filth he says, for example a normal comedy clip which turns into porn at the end as a joke. Also his friends share stuff on the Xbox. What would you think?
Can't help feeling disappointed really and surprised as he didn't see the type. Says he doesn't send it, they send it to him.
Thoughts anyone?

This.

My husband ended a friendship due to this kind of nonsense. It would be a hard pass for me. If you want to know what a man is like, look at their friends.

I would not be interested in him, I would tell him don't feel we are compatible.

I have a friend who sends all kinds of shite on the group chap. I ignore.
It doesn’t mean I endorse it, it doesn’t mean I think men are just meat because I have a friend who sends crap on WhatsApp. I like her. She’s smart and funny and kind. And she sends willy memes. Not a fan of it, but overall she is decent.

People are friends with others for many reasons- not primarily because of their finesse with passing on memes and videos.

OP- talk to HIM - don’t judge him based on immature behaviour of his friends.

What is wrong with sharing stuff on an Xbox?! I do it - and have 3 degrees, a very senior professional job, my own home and a stable relationship. It would amuse me if anyone thought that my playing on Xbox meant I was immature... I spend all day at work needing to be highly analytical and strategic and in my downtime enjoy easy fun. But I also hill walk and paint and the Xbox is one aspect of my complex personality. The friends I play it with are all married and their spouses play it too - they're all lovely, mature people. Not everyone who games is a stoner loser. Of course it would be different if gaming was all we did - so depends on how much time it takes up.

As for the porny jokes - some are indeed funny, others are awful. Unless it's a regular occurrence and that's their only form of communication, it wouldn't bother me. I've worked with victims of sex trafficking in the 3rd world in a previous life and men using prostitution, drugs, or replacing sex with porn bothers me. Not a photoshopped clip. But everyone has different boundaries so if this does bother you, my opinion is irrelevant. Whatever you do though, don't get serious with him expecting him to change. That's a recipe for disaster and also not fair to him.

If he does indeed tear up at this or promise to change - THAT is the red flag. No adult should be so willing to change for someone they've just started dating. I'd question if he has really low self esteem or is manipulating you to be mister nice guy knowing fully well nothing will change.

As an aside you're judging of his friends was not great. If someone I started dating said they were surprised at the sort of company I kept based on messages we shared (that they had no business seeing anyway) without even meeting them, I'd ditch them. Can you imagine if a man shamed you and your friends based on your messages or usage of internet forums/chatting to strangers etc - you'd be done with him too. And consider him controlling. So dump him if he isn't right but you shouldn't make anyone feel bad about their friendships just because they're different to you.

Yes, of course. It’s just men being silly. Cut the poor guy some slack. It’s not even him, it’s his mate!

I'd say the same as previous PPs - I wouldn't particularly like it but think it's more common than you'd realise.

My bf has showed me messages that may be similar to what your bf is sent but there is a slightly different purpose than how you're interpreting so just wanted to share in case it's similar and makes you feel a bit less uncomfortable

My bf's friends send funny videos, funny clips that end in a snippet of porn. However they're not intended to be sexual/sleazy. It's more to catch them out or embarrass. Like imagine them sitting in work/on a train/with their partner laughing away at a video and it suddenly turns into loud sexual noises and a half naked woman on the screen.
My bf has been watching videos from his mates next to me on the couch and it's happened for a few secs and I've been like "what the hell is that you're sorting watching??" And he's then shown me the video from the beginning.

It's not like they're sitting turned on by the porn section. If they wanted to share porn with each other (which in itself would be totally weird and sick) they'd just send a porn clip, why would the bother with it starting as a comedy clip?

I agree it's 100% immature and total teenage behaviour but it's to their with hiding a dildo in a suitcase on a stag do etc. Grown men behaving like teenage kids to get a laugh

Bollocks to the he’d never send this stuff, I bet he has in the past (reason for tears afterwards) but knows you’ll think badly of him so he says no.

The X box would be a concern for me (and PlayStation) only because the last man I had a couple of dates with it, played this at 50 years old - yeah I probably do sound judgy as I’m on MN but seeing as my DB has just directed a pornographic and violent advert for a video game - he didn’t want to do it, but someone has to, that’s partly why I don’t like those games.

Yes, because objectifying and degrading women is so hilarious.
Now I know women will work extra hard to excuse this and how this is just how these silly men are, but I still can’t understand women who refuse to see what this really is.
No matter how desperate they are to have a man.

All men do not do this.
Many men find the degradation & objectification of women abhorrent.
My male friends would have told the guy not to send them this crap. And if it's on a group chat, left the group if the crap kept coming.

"All men do it" is bullshit designed to make women accept the actions of sleazeballs, & stop objecting to the incessant pornification of women.

Clearly he doesn't delete them straight away, as he had to delete stuff before showing you his phone.

Neither does he speak up - he just allows his mate to keep sending it.

I'm in two minds about his tears. Could be manipulation. Keep a hard eye open for NiceGuyTM vibes.

Give yourself space to assess your own thoughts & feelings without his barging in. Just send a holding message like "still a bit shocked, will catch up properly with you later." - & take your own time.

Then - IF you want to - take him properly to task.
Don't instruct him how to act, but ask him WHY he hasn't acted himself.
Why he needed a woman to point out to him how unsavoury & degrading this is. Why he has not challenged his sleazy mates, & removed himself from the group chat if they won't pack it in.

His answers will tell you everything you need to know.

@CantAskAnyoneElse I'm not saying it's hilarious.

All I was saying is that men do it as an (immature) joke,
not to get a kick out of the porn.

At no point did I say I thought it was funny or even okay

As pp said, all men do this

I'm a total misandrist and even I don't think that.

I tend to find that the ken who send that sort of shit are the type who "end up" in strip.clund etc when they're on lads trips etc too.

It's an attitude/culture with them.

👏👏👏

Well said Wednesday.

Blimey, you would be horrified by some of the stuff in the girls group chat in that case!

It wouldn't bother me at all

FFS

Because HE SHOWED THEM TO HER.

I know how easy it is to neglect to RTFT sometimes, but you could at least take in the first line of the OP.

Or were you too busy jumping to blame OP for male behaviour to engage?

The reasons for sending it are immaterial.

It degrades women whether it's sent for a laugh or a wank.

Not an issue at all
You can’t police his friendships

It's an issue for OP. Her feelings remain the same whether you consider it an issue or not.

She's not considering policing his friendships, she;s considering breaking up with him. Which may be a sensible move, if they prove to be incompatible on this issue.

Difficult one OP. I think he probably made that comment as he gets this stuff from them regularly, and was a bit scared he hasn't deleted everything knowing it would be objectionable.

He sounds like he has quite a few laddish mates. Do you think that such men would show the same face they show those mates, to the new woman they're dating? It's very easy for them to just say 'Oh that's John and Mike who sent me that'.....be careful you're not taken for a mug.

Do you want to be in the company of such men, or like the thought of knowing that's the kind of company he keeps? It would be a turn off for me. It's different if he's in quite an open group chat, but if if these are men he likes hanging around with, I would proceed with caution.

Laddish immaturity is a turn-off for me, partly because sexism and disrespect aren't far away....

No - but she has the right to remove herself from situations or people that make her feel uncomfortable.