Fabulous guy but..

[cheesecadet]

So you love everything you've seen so far (relationship of 2 months) and he shows you some photos on his phone, but tells you he had to delete the filth that his mates send him (says he deletes it straight away normally). When I ask him what filth he says, for example a normal comedy clip which turns into porn at the end as a joke. Also his friends share stuff on the Xbox. What would you think?
Can't help feeling disappointed really and surprised as he didn't see the type. Says he doesn't send it, they send it to him.
Thoughts anyone?

This is a joke, right? You cannot be considering ending a relationship because of… well, basically nothing. Right?

@Henbags you think it's nothing?

My husband doesn't have friends like that

@CantAskAnyoneElse

Whatever .I have no interest in what porn apologists have to say.

I'm not defending porn at all... just that saying that any man who looks at porn of any variety is the "worst kind of man" is just so obviously extreme and ridiculous. Are you really saying they are as bad as actual rapists?

MN is a funny place sometimes... its all so extreme one way or the other.

It's either one extreme of a woman staying with an utterly abusive arsehole, and then the other, where women won't just ditch a man for looking at porn, but will ditch him for having some friends who send him some questionable stuff.

Dumping a man because some of his friends don't live up to your standards is extreme. It's all very puritanical and reminds me of extreme religious groups.

I think it depends how many of his friends send this sort of stuff.

If it is just 1 or 2 out of a large group then I wouldn't be too worried about it.

But if it is all of them then I would really question his judgement about having such friends.

Where did he meet these friends? Are they from school or university?

Agreed. There's zero tolerance but this goes beyond that to some kind of "negative number" tolerance twilight zone.

I’d end it. But I’d also end it on discovering an adult played Xbox.

I would not blame him for it, its what some guys do as they're as daft as brushes and if your relationship is very good otherwise then theres' a bit of give and take.

I suppose from your partners' point of view, he can't control the filth his mates send him, so long as it not does not cross a few lines and enter into the taboo stuff.

We all need standards but come on, getting the ick because he has one or more daft pals? He's telling you he deletes them straight away, he has boundaries that sound respectable. My professional, caring friends send me all sorts of nonsense, they're not going to be written off my Xmas card list for it. He's not doing anything wrong, humouring some eejits that occasionally do distasteful things, it's not realistic to expect a guy to cut off a friendship group over this if it was the only issue. To me, you're cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Thinking about this some more, if a man treated me like you have treated your man because one of my friends sent me something inappropriate, I'd be inclined to ditch him! It would show me that the man had absurd and impossible standards, and that I was likely to fall foul of the most minute of any indiscretions during the relationship.

OP: If you do ditch him for this otherwise "perfect" man for this, then you might as well give up on men, as the perfection you seek is virtually unattainable. There's having high standards (which is good) and there's being ridiculous.

Of course, there are a number of posters who will tell you to ditch him, but there always are on here. You'll get some posters, who want to liberally spread their anger with men around, who'll tell you to ditch a guy because he used two sheets of toilet paper!

My husband is in a WhatsApp group with his school friends (he's 40 this year) and other groups of men from sports teams he's in etc. The videos where it's a serious news article or interesting clip and then suddenly turns into porn sounds of woman having orgasm are really common, he gets them every couple of weeks now but it was a big thing a few years ago. Point is to humiliate your mate by them watching an innocuous video in the living room or whatever that suddenly turns into loud shrieks of... well, whatever. I don't think it's funny, it is pretty annoying but it's men trying to get one over on the other rather than actually sharing any kind of porn... And I have seen the videos in question.

Now this isn't to say it's alright or that that's even what he's receiving, but just a bit of perspective that it's a laddish thing that doesn't really mean anything in terms of any of their interest in porn or anything like that. They could all be porn addicts, but they could also just be taking the piss out of each other in a very juvenile but pretty harmless way. It's to you to decide whether you can tolerate that and how harmless you think it is... I think it's ridiculous but I know my husband is a good man and it's just a stupid thing they do.

I agree with this.

Honestly yes he can control what people send him they send him something his response could be lol 😆 or WTF ARE YOU SENDING ME THIS SHIT FOR? literally his choice because if someone sent me stuff like that I would tell temto fuck off with it then block them if they did it again

No, you're not. Imagine he told you his friends were sending him jokes mocking black people with horribly racist videos. Would you want a relationship with someone who had friends like this? It alarms me a bit that you need to ask. I would have zero respect for my DH if I knew he was pals with people who demean women.

The thing is, it's the nice guys who piss me off the most. The ones who know better, but do nothing to change it. If the nice guys had a zero tolerance attitude to this then I can't help wondering if men in general would learn to treat women better. It's the passive collusion that enables and perpetuates it. Rape, misogyny - this is a male problem and men need to fix it.

Yes, I agree.. seems like a really small issue to end an otherwise good relationship over.

But why would you even look at his phone messages. Are you insecure? I've never looked at DHs messages unless he wanted my opinion on a message received.

My DH has the odd friend who sends rubbish like this to his phone. Usually work mates in a WhatsApp, so he can't not really be in the group. I taught him how to stop auto saving them from WhatsApp and he's far happier now, as he doesn't like this kind of thing either and thinks the guys that do it are knobs.

I wouldn't be bothered about his mates sending him the odd stupid video he immediately deleted. At all.

I would be bothered about him becoming 'teary' when we discussed it. That would be it for me I think.

People mature in different stages. It sound like he has some friends that are still a bit childish, that doesn't mean he should have to cut himself off from them. He's just further along in his maturity. I don't know how old you are but if your relatively young I'd also suspect that the majority of his friend group is single or at least not in long term relationships, and the 'lad' culture is still controlling them.

Newsflash: men in WhatsApp groups share silly/rude videos. Who knew eh?

I'm not into porn at all but you would be barking mad to end a relationship with a nice man over this non-event.

Exactly this.

Same.

I've got a boyfriend. I've been out and just come in and he's watching Star Trek Voyager. It's a shit series. There's only one reason men watch it. So I've come to bed.

I think I'm done with men too.