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Original poster

My partner is a swinger and he kept it a secret

105 replies

Mumoftwoboys124 · 23/03/2023 22:49

I have recently discovered my partner of 4 years and now my fiancé has led a secret life on fab swingers. He hasn’t denied it as have all evidence in front of me! We are getting married next year, we bought a house together and planned the future. He says he is really sorry, he will change and he loves me and still wants to be with me and marry me. I just don’t know how to make it work, as I don’t think I can ever trust him again! I do worry about how will I be able to manage on my own, needless to say how humiliating it’ll be once everyone discovers what he has done! I feel absolutely sick to my stomach and absolutely devastated about the fact that our relationship I know it’s over and all I know so far was a lie. This is my second serious relationship that hasn’t worked out and feel sometimes like I can’t go on. Should I leave him or shall I go ahead with the wedding and give him another chance? Has anyone been in a similar situation to offer some advice.

OP posts:
TomatoesAndPeaches · 23/03/2023 22:51

His not a ‘swinger’
His a CHEATER !
He was having sex with other people without you knowing

Aquamarine1029 · 23/03/2023 22:51

Of course you don't marry him. Cut your losses and move on with your life.

Sainsburysbunny · 23/03/2023 22:52

Leave leave leave. Please!

Cas112 · 23/03/2023 22:53

He's a cheat
Swinging is just a type of sex he takes part in

He doesn't respect you at all otherwise he would not have done this behind your back

Plus he is risking your health

Upsidedownagain · 23/03/2023 22:59

So you only want to go ahead because it's your second serious relationship and 'you can't go on'. But you can go on living with someone you can't trust? Don't sell yourself short. You know it's not what you want and it won't make you happy. Better alone, with the chance to meet someone new, than in the wrong relationship.

Opentooffers · 23/03/2023 23:02

I hope you are up to date on your smear tests as condoms don't protect against HPV, the more you sleep with ( by unknown proxy) the bigger the chances of getting it. He's exposing you without consent - no way.

XVII · 23/03/2023 23:03

Like bollocks will he change
i am sure he loves you. He also loves shagging other women just a much.
cut your losses before you have kids and are tied to him forever.
what would he do if you’d been on fab swingers and shagged a dozen or so men?

WetBandits · 23/03/2023 23:06

Oh god please just dump him!

And get tested ASAP, and then have repeat screening at 6 and 12 weeks after you last had sex with him to cover for all STI window periods. Many single men who consider themselves swingers are notoriously unscrupulous with condom usage, and the rate of heterosexually acquired HIV and syphilis is on the rise.

I say this as a former member of the site you mentioned and now as a sexual health nurse. Sorry he’s done this to you, what a prick.

userxx · 23/03/2023 23:06

If you stay and get married as planned I can almost fully guarantee you that you'll be back on MN within the next 2 years with exactly the same issue. Save yourself the heartache and end it now.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/03/2023 23:18

Swinging is where a couple decides to have extra partners. He was cheating on you again and again. You would have to be insane to marry this man.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/03/2023 23:18

shall I go ahead with the wedding

If you fancy a pathological lying serial cheat as a life partner then yes.

Why are you afraid if being single?

Alphyn · 23/03/2023 23:20

TomatoesAndPeaches · 23/03/2023 22:51

His not a ‘swinger’
His a CHEATER !
He was having sex with other people without you knowing

This.

Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy - you’re better off leaving and starting again instead of tying yourself to someone who has been lying to you the entire time you’ve been together.

evtheria · 23/03/2023 23:21

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/03/2023 23:18

Swinging is where a couple decides to have extra partners. He was cheating on you again and again. You would have to be insane to marry this man.

Exactly this... Swingers are couples who like sleeping with others, he is just a cheater!

ThreeLocusts · 23/03/2023 23:27

OP I'm dead certain there's tons of women out there who have had two or more serious relationships fail. Wanting to keep down the failure count is no reason to stay at all.

This relationship has already failed as it was built on lies. I'm really sorry. You can try again if you're really really keen but chances aren't good that it will work.

Better cut your losses.. and the embarrassment is all his.

MumOf2workOptions · 23/03/2023 23:32

Get the house on the market and whatever you do don't marry him

He wants his cake and eat it and Gell be trying to persuade you to get involved 🤮

Eyerollcentral · 23/03/2023 23:33

Dump him and forget him. He is only sorry because he was found out, he hasn’t confessed because of a guilty conscience. He would have happily continued to cheat in the lead up to and after your wedding. I’m concerned that you are even contemplating staying. He is not the man for you and hard as it is now you will come to thank god you found out now and not when you are sitting with a couple of children. Be brave.

BreviloquentBastard · 23/03/2023 23:35

Er, swinging kept secret from your partner is just cheating. He's not a swinger, he's a cheater, and a brazen one at that.

Please have a little self respect and kick this idiot to the curb.

WandaWonder · 23/03/2023 23:39

Go to the doctors and get some tests done and no I would not marry him, I can't beleive a grown adult needs to ask

And no I don't care how that comes across

I am not seriously suggesting school teaches this but there should be am extra curricular course on spotting better partners, it seems to be a never ending lesson that needs to be taught

crazycatladyof6 · 23/03/2023 23:48

I feel so much for you. What a terrible shock. Take some time out and away from him - can you ask him to move out?

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 23/03/2023 23:55

Oh goodness, you don't stay with (or marry!) someone you know is totally unsuitable just to keep up appearances. Imagine, a lifetime of misery and disappointment, because you're worried what people will think after ONE failed relationship?

You might be in a little pocket of society where people meet their life partner young and stay together forever. I was brought up in one of those, and it does put you under enormous pressure to try to stick it out when you know deep inside that he's not the right one. You feel like you're a failure somehow for not being able to 'keep your man'.

I promise you, this is fucked up thinking and will put you on the path to lifelong unhappiness. Please, learn to be happy within yourself. Then take the time to choose the right guy for you. This may well mean tossing out a few who don't make the grade.

Aussiegirl123456 · 23/03/2023 23:58

He’s not a swinger, he’s a cheater.

He won’t change.

You’re in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. If he can’t keep it in his pants now then there’ll be no hope 5,10,15 years down the line when you’re both in the drudgery of everyday married life.

You are worth so much more.

Wineat5isfine · 24/03/2023 00:22

I’m so sorry - what an absolute arsehole!!

you deserve SO much better 💐

MrsR87 · 24/03/2023 00:37

Leave him. Swinging that is not consensual with your partner is just serial cheating.

He’s potentially put your health in great danger and I personally would be unable to forgive that, never mind the betrayal and lies.
If he’s done this so early into the relationship then he isn’t going to change and does not deserve another chance.

Please get yourself an STI test asap.

Redglitter · 24/03/2023 00:42

Should I leave him or shall I go ahead with the wedding and give him another chance

Give him another chance to lie to you & cheat? Because he will. He's only sorry because he got caught.

Being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't respect you & you can't trust

Goodread1 · 24/03/2023 01:00

He should have been upfront about his past especially when he starting to become serious in his relationships with you,

I have slightly different take on this ,

If he had been upfront about his past and that side of the past had happened some time ago ,
Such as 10 or 15 , 20 yrs ago

Some people can change , but obviously not everyone does, !

He obviously cheated , whoever painful emotionally it is,
You Need to ditch him and move on for your sense of well being,.
It will be like ripping off a plaster,
But it will be worth it,

Good luck