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Original poster

My partner is a swinger and he kept it a secret

105 replies

Mumoftwoboys124 · 23/03/2023 22:49

I have recently discovered my partner of 4 years and now my fiancé has led a secret life on fab swingers. He hasn’t denied it as have all evidence in front of me! We are getting married next year, we bought a house together and planned the future. He says he is really sorry, he will change and he loves me and still wants to be with me and marry me. I just don’t know how to make it work, as I don’t think I can ever trust him again! I do worry about how will I be able to manage on my own, needless to say how humiliating it’ll be once everyone discovers what he has done! I feel absolutely sick to my stomach and absolutely devastated about the fact that our relationship I know it’s over and all I know so far was a lie. This is my second serious relationship that hasn’t worked out and feel sometimes like I can’t go on. Should I leave him or shall I go ahead with the wedding and give him another chance? Has anyone been in a similar situation to offer some advice.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 24/03/2023 01:05

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

You have to leave him. You will never be able to trust him and he's not going to change. He's not a swinger, he's a cheater. Swinging is something you do with your partners full consent. He just cheated and lied. He's potentially exposed you to STIs.

I was with my ex-husband 7.5 years, married for 2, had just bought a house together when I discovered he was on fab swingers and other sites. Our sex life had slowly been going downhill, even before we got married but I loved him and thought I could fix things in time. In hind sight I could never have fixed things. I could never have fulfilled his sexual needs because I am only one person. He lied about who he was and he betrayed my trust. He was also extremely controlling and had ruined my self esteem to the point I also thought I wouldn't be able to live without him.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. He cheated. He is the one who should feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong. Please don't stay with a man who had zero respect for you because of what other people might think.

It's not going to be easy, breakups rarely are but you can't continue this relationship. You deserve so much better. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family and take each day at a time. Don't allow him to guilt trip you into taking him back. Trust me, in years to come you'll be so glad you walked away.

I'm 9 years down the line from discovering the truth about my ex. I just got married to a wonderful man in December and have never been happier.

Ghostbuster2639 · 24/03/2023 01:07

Sever all financial ties with him asap.

cherriestort · 24/03/2023 01:10

Honestly you need to kick him out before his knob rots off!

Of course he won't change? He's doing what he wants to do, fair enough, but do you really want to try and fake a relationship with him and get married? What's the point?

ToastMarmalade · 24/03/2023 01:36

Please don’t stay with him. I found out my Ex was a serial cheater, likely on all these sites, after I’d had a child with him.

I think there is something wrong with men who get into this sites, they become addicted to their ‘glorious sexual selves’ like my Ex - he really did think he was gods sexy gift, and that kind of entitlement is quite controlling. Women become just people they can or can’t have sex with. It is the complete opposite of what you want a father of your child to be.

He will be like my Ex, constantly seeking the next thrill. Sexting other women whilst supposedly paying attention to our young child. Having a kid with this man will be grim, belittling and demeaning. He’s no father material. And if you know about it, and keep with him, it will be worse.

LittleFingerStrength · 24/03/2023 01:42

He will make you sick, from gaslighting, to stress and STIs.

Thesharkradar · 24/03/2023 01:47

you cant let this go, you'll never be able to trust him, he thinks you'll be so blindsided you wont be able to process it and you'll just go along with what he dictates, this is a man who expects to do exactly as he pleases🙁

Oaaz · 24/03/2023 01:55

He's just a run of the mill lying cheat. Why would you want to marry that?

JimnJoyce · 24/03/2023 02:00

this cant be real. you can't seriously be asking us if you should still marry him.

HanSB · 24/03/2023 02:05

He has lied and cheated, you can’t stay with someone who hasn’t given you a moments thought in his actions. Cut your losses now otherwise you will waste your life with this man. Divorce and children would complicate things more, be thankful you found out now before marriage

palelavender · 24/03/2023 03:33

I do understand a bit how you feel as I don't look back at the two failed relationships I had with any nostalgia. Neither of them were swingers but both turned out to be very flawed humanlbeings. I wondered what was wrong with me. Then I met my husband and we've had thirty wonderful years together so far.

Don't throw your one precious life away on this sleazy man. If he seriously wanted to reform he'd have stopped during your relationship. You don't have to tell everybody that he's a swinger but simply say that you've both had second thoughts about the marriage and refuse to go into detail.

icclemunchy · 24/03/2023 03:34

A. He's a cheat joy a swinger
B. Bet he didn't get laid anyway. He will have been one of a million skeevy men on their single or pretending to be sending desperate messages to anyone who looks vaugely female

Dery · 24/03/2023 03:50

As PP have said, swinging is something a couple does together. He’s not a swinger - he’s just a cheat. Sorry you’re in this position, OP. It must be a huge shock. I don’t see how you can remain with him, though.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 24/03/2023 03:54

Your options are

  1. marry him and continue to be lied to, live a unhappy life worrying about where he is, who he is doing, what you sexually have to do to keep him and what stds he is risking.
  2. Cut and run, leave. Make the split fair and equitable. Take no grief from him and walk away head held high. You’ve done nothing wrong but he has. Tell him he has to agree to what’s fair and do it quickly or you will show everyone and their postman what he thinks is ok to do while promising to build a life with you. Fuck him. This behaviour shows he is a shitty person who doesn’t love, respect or care for you much at all. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

I do hope this is a troll post.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/03/2023 04:03

a few things to consider:

If you hadn’t caught him he wouldn’t be feeling sorry would he? He’d be continuing with his grubby little lie and laughing up his sleeve at you.

can you imagine him standing up at your wedding, making his vows, knowing full well it’s all a lie? And making your vows into a lie as well.

a man on his own on that site is so so grim, I’m surprised your flesh isn’t crawling. And imagine next time you have sex, how knowing what he’s into, how you will feel. Ugh. Just grim.

finally, he won’t change.

Sorrynotsorry2 · 24/03/2023 04:19

He's only sorry he's got caught . Leave him the trust is gone .

nighttalker · 24/03/2023 04:53

Name changed as I wanted to share my experience with you.

When I separated from my dh I joined fab with a view to finding a fwb, we'd had a sexless marriage and I wanted a no strings ego boost in all honesty.

I cannot tell you how many attached men I was contacted by, I had no profile picture at all, barely any information on my profile but they saw I was local and thought I must be willing so wanted to meet as soon as possible.

I was contacted by over 100 men a day the vast majority were not single. ALL of the ones I spoke to were using it to get as much extra curricular sex as possible. They were very upfront about the fact that they were attached and needed discretion. Most had been on there for years and their partners had no idea. They had hidden folders on their phones, secret phones, spent their working days on it etc.

The thing that I found most surprising (although I'm not sure why because, men) was that NONE of them felt guilt about what they were doing. Even those that had normal sex lives with their wives/partners just wanted more or different. It was a numbers game for them. Most saw condoms as entirely optional and would only use if their fab 'dates' insisted otherwise they weren't bothered.

Some had been caught out and so were 'being careful' as in, they wanted to make sure I wouldn't tell anyone so they wouldn't be caught out again.

I never did find a fwb on there as it was just depressing and I was too worried about my health to risk it on any of these awful men.

I don't believe for a minute that this man will change. I'm really sorry.

Please do get yourself a full sexual health screening. Some of the people on there have so, so many verifications from the number of people that they're meeting and no judgement if they're single or swinging but they must be absolutely riddled!

emptythelitterbox · 24/03/2023 05:04

nighttalker · 24/03/2023 04:53

Name changed as I wanted to share my experience with you.

When I separated from my dh I joined fab with a view to finding a fwb, we'd had a sexless marriage and I wanted a no strings ego boost in all honesty.

I cannot tell you how many attached men I was contacted by, I had no profile picture at all, barely any information on my profile but they saw I was local and thought I must be willing so wanted to meet as soon as possible.

I was contacted by over 100 men a day the vast majority were not single. ALL of the ones I spoke to were using it to get as much extra curricular sex as possible. They were very upfront about the fact that they were attached and needed discretion. Most had been on there for years and their partners had no idea. They had hidden folders on their phones, secret phones, spent their working days on it etc.

The thing that I found most surprising (although I'm not sure why because, men) was that NONE of them felt guilt about what they were doing. Even those that had normal sex lives with their wives/partners just wanted more or different. It was a numbers game for them. Most saw condoms as entirely optional and would only use if their fab 'dates' insisted otherwise they weren't bothered.

Some had been caught out and so were 'being careful' as in, they wanted to make sure I wouldn't tell anyone so they wouldn't be caught out again.

I never did find a fwb on there as it was just depressing and I was too worried about my health to risk it on any of these awful men.

I don't believe for a minute that this man will change. I'm really sorry.

Please do get yourself a full sexual health screening. Some of the people on there have so, so many verifications from the number of people that they're meeting and no judgement if they're single or swinging but they must be absolutely riddled!

There really must be some type of sociopathy for them to do this.

nighttalker · 24/03/2023 05:22

Honestly, it was just so so common. All these poor women at home with no idea what they're being exposed to, it's so sad. I live in a fairly small town and there were hundreds of men on there within a few miles, most looking to meet straight away.

I really do think that the men who do this get off partly on the secrecy of it all, it seemed to be an addiction for a lot of them. They would message, I would find out a bit more about them and end the conversation then within hours, some would message again with the same intro message as they'd not realised they'd already contacted me. I could have been anyone, carrying anything. They would not have cared.

Dj2020 · 24/03/2023 05:24

Leave leave leave! Do not marry this serial cheater! He won't change and is lied and put your health at risk having sex with God knows who omg it makes me feel sick thinking about it. I feel for you please don't waste anymore time on him.

MissMarplesbag · 24/03/2023 05:53

Ditch and move on, save yourself from a future of heart break, divorce, debt & children stuck between separated parents.

Backstreets · 24/03/2023 06:05

If you’re that afraid of being alone, get a dog. The kind that won’t leave dirty glasses next to the dish washer.

GoodChat · 24/03/2023 06:10

I'm just here to add to the chorus of leave him, in the hope that if enough people say it you might consider it.

loislovesstewie · 24/03/2023 06:15

I'm just here to say leave him too. He will carry on like this forever with you becoming sadder and sadder. Leave and have a better life.

PortiasBiscuit · 24/03/2023 06:15

Leave him and get an STI test.

category12 · 24/03/2023 06:18

You'd be daft to stay with him.

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