My partner is a swinger and he kept it a secret

[Mumoftwoboys124]

I have recently discovered my partner of 4 years and now my fiancé has led a secret life on fab swingers. He hasn’t denied it as have all evidence in front of me! We are getting married next year, we bought a house together and planned the future. He says he is really sorry, he will change and he loves me and still wants to be with me and marry me. I just don’t know how to make it work, as I don’t think I can ever trust him again! I do worry about how will I be able to manage on my own, needless to say how humiliating it’ll be once everyone discovers what he has done! I feel absolutely sick to my stomach and absolutely devastated about the fact that our relationship I know it’s over and all I know so far was a lie. This is my second serious relationship that hasn’t worked out and feel sometimes like I can’t go on. Should I leave him or shall I go ahead with the wedding and give him another chance? Has anyone been in a similar situation to offer some advice.

@xfan

''I'm actually not surprised op wants to stay in this atrocious relationship, so many women do se they've become conditioned that even a substandard relationship is better than none apparently!''

Unfortunately that is so true.

Society places very low expectations on men when it comes to relationships and childcare, while women are still conditioned to value themselves based on whether they are married/have a boyfriend/a family or not.

So too many women still pursue the ideal of having a relationship/have kids with feckless men that frankly don't deserve them and these men get away with it.

I think things are changing but this is still an issue.

I appreciate that now but at the time I absolutely blamed myself for not being enough. It completely knocked my confidence and I ended up in a relationship that wasn't right for me simply because we'd been friends for years and the idea of starting a relationship with a stranger terrified me. I considered an open relationship with a man because I felt at least that way I'd know what was going on even though it's not really what I wanted. Thankfully it didn't get much further than a few dates. I participated in sexual activities and kinks that I wasn't really into because I felt that men wouldn't be happy with just vanilla sex.

I definitely craved validation from men for a while. Eventually after some therapy I found myself again. I was lucky enough to have my DH come into my life and he's done wonders for my confidence. I trust him with every fibre of my being. It definitely took a lot of work and time to get to this point though.

These men really don't know the damage they're doing and the lives they destroy just to get their dick wet.

Do you come from a very conservative, traditional, judgemental background or something... That you put such stock in having only two relationships that didn't end up in marriage??!!

Sorry, I see now another poster has mentioned you have two sons, and I don't know if you were married to the Dad of your son's or not.

But anyway ... Your relationship with your previous partner broke down (I'll hazard a guess probably not your doing) so you're now feeling like this one had to work out or you're somehow a failure.

That is the worst fallacy.

Whether this second serious relationship worked out of not is down to two people ..... You could only take responsibility for ine side of that, toyrs. It was always a risk/chance whether it worked out; as it happens, unfortunately he's been exposed as a dud, and one of the worst types of duds.

That's on him, not you.

Better to recognise that from what you've discovered and ebd the relationship and cancel any wedding plans than tie yourself to this creature.

Even more so if you've got two kids in your household who'll be affected by instability and unhappiness and stress and the eventual breakdown.

He's a liar and a cheat, see the last 4 years as a trial husband he's definitely failed, don't be tied to him, divorcing will be even more of a pain. Holding on to the wrong man causes more hurt and time wasted.

*You could only take responsibility for one side of that, yours

Having sex outside of a relationship without your partners consent is cheating.
Swinging is cheating if you didn't know he was doing it.
Please leave the cheat and get yourself rested for STI's
Don't be humiliated it is him at fault not you. Your friends will understand and support you.
There are lots of free counselling helplines that are good to contact for help, advice and a listening ear. Please make use of them to help guide you.
I know you pain, talking does help.

Sweetheart you can't just 'marry' this under the carpet. You need to end it. He will not stop swinging just because you marry him. Just like he didn't stop when you got engaged. Save yourself more humiliation and walk away now. You will come out of this stronger. It might be tough for a while but you'll be ok x

He's a cheat, he just does it with multiple people with others watching or taking part.

You deserve better than a lying cheat. Please leave him, sort yourself out, love yourself and then if you want to look for a better man. Don't sell yourself short and settle for this lying scumbag. He will do it again and again, no matter what he says.

Good luck and please end this with the cheat.

He's a cheater and imho hes the worse type of cheater, because

A. He'd probably never be satisfied with sex with only one person.

B. He has sex with multiple people, who themselves have e sex with multiple people ... Who themselves have sex with multiple people....and on and on.

He's subjected you to dozens potentially hundreds of people's Stds. Swingers go to local meets, regional meets, london/large city meets, clubs in holiday resorts, one on one meets if they can get them, there's even a camping/caravanning swinging scene. They cross over to dogging, the men often cross over to prostitution because there's such an imbalance in male Vs female swingers.

That's one big std factory. Condoms don't fully protect against eg HPV and herpes. Any intimate contact can spread those. And what if they break or come off.

You'd not realistically be able to relax and have unprotected sex with him again, even if you use condoms he's still a risk.
If you wanted to have more kids, youd be risking STDs during pregnancy which can lead to miscarriage and fetal abnormalities.

But why would you want to ... He's a scummy skeezy cheater and liar. He's not who he said he was. He's shit partner material ... And that's all on him.

If wouldn't be your failure to end the relationship with him, it would've your success.

It’s not really swinging though… you had no idea? It’s just cheating.

Had he got a marriage of LTR or more in his past op?

Bet they ended because of similar behaviour.

Their exes just never say because they don't have that kind of contact with his next partner and even if they do, they think (correctly in most cases) they'll be painted as a bitter, jealous, liar if they try to warn her).

*Has he got a marriage or LTR

He's a serial cheater, not a swinger!

Kick him out. Don't be humiliated. It's more humiliating if you stay with him.

And don't worry about it being the second long term relationship that didn't work. Most of us have had more than that and finally the right partner comes along!

He says he is really sorry, he will change and he loves me and still wants to be with me and marry me.

He says, he wants.
What about what YOU want?

He wasn't sorry before you found out.
He lied to you for 4 years.

Why would you trust a liar when they tell you they will change?
It's just another lie.

This is my second serious relationship that hasn’t worked out and feel sometimes like I can’t go on.
Hey - LOADS of people have 2 or more ex-relationships behind them.
There's no pride or happiness in staying in a toxic relationship.
Be proud of yourself for having boundaries & enforcing them.
Happiness will come later. Of course you are going to feel sad for a while, as well as confused, shocked, angry ... that's ok. None of his behaviour is a reflection on you.

Re relationships not working out- its pretty normal to have a few of those. I had 3 long term relationships in my 20s plus a few other short term or casual arrangements before I met my DH at 28.

All bar one I ended, for various reasons. I don't regret any of them, though I did let the first LTR go on too long as my life was in flux and it helped to have a boyfriend to avoid loneliness (but I never told him that), and ending the last was especially hard as we did have a special connection - we have kept in touch ever since. I just knew I couldn't stay with someone who didn't feel right.

This

To everyone who responded to my post thank you for your advice and support. Sorry I wasn’t able to reply earlier but my account was blocked for some reason.
To add to my post, I have two teenage sons living with us. They love my partner and get on very well with him. He is not their biological father, but they will be devastated when we separate. They still haven’t fully got over our divorce. I can’t believe that I will be putting them through it yet again. My previous relationship/marriage lasted just under 20 years. After that I was single for nearly 5 years. It was tough for many reasons. The heartbreaking thing is that I thought this one was the One! I am nearly 50 and so is he. Life is not getting any easier, especially as going through the menopause. I often wonder if that’s the reason why he did it as I am not much fun right now. I honestly can’t believe that I am back to the square one.
I have decided that I am going to leave him and break off the wedding. As most of you rightly said I too don’t think that he is ever going to change. He is staying away from home for now as I can’t bare to even look at him right now. I am going to get tested next week.

I often wonder if that’s the reason why he did it as I am not much fun right now.

Every heterosexual man who is in a relationship with a woman long enough for her to go through the menopause is in a similar position. Since they don't all cheat, especially with multiple people, for years; I think we can safely assume it's him who's the problem, not you or your circumstances.

Would you chest on him and swing if he had eg erectile dysfunction or illness or something??

He can do what he likes, but he can't do it while pretending to be in a monogamous relationship with someone, planning a wedding etc.

Your sons will recover, I'm sure. They don't really know him, do they? That's become clear. If they knew he was shaggjng rsndims behind your back for ages and swinging while you're supposed to be monogamous; do you think they'd still like him?! Would they have a high opinion of him?

Their apparent fondness for him is not based on the real him, it's based of being totally in the dark about his character.

I honestly can’t believe that I am back to the square one.

How?

Is our only mission and fulfilment on life to be in a couple and be married?

No offense at all but it seems like you need to change your thinking and approach to a good life/fulfilment.

Also shocked that you are approaching 50 and seen to be beating yourself up about 2 ... 2! relationships not working out. I thought you were very young and/or from a very conservative, judgemental cultural background.

‘Life is not getting any easier, especially as going through the menopause. I often wonder if that’s the reason why he did it as I am not much fun right now.’

No, no, no, NO. Your menopause is not in any way responsible for his cheating. He is entirely responsible for his choices. I doubt whether this is his first rodeo in being so selfish and entitled. He has serial cheat written all over him, it’s just taken time for you to see it. Whatever you do, do not internalise some nonsense blame.

As for your boys, I’m sure they would not want their mother to marry a man who has put her at so much risk.

You deserve so much better than this nasty man.

fuck the 'swinger' label. He's been cheating on you for 4 years. Lying to you and engaging in possibly risky behaviour. Get and STD check and ditch him now. Its totally irrelevant what he promises for the future, its what he's already done thats important

When I see serial cheat I mean a history beyond you of unsafe behaviour.

The betrayal is worse than the infidelity.

@Mumoftwoboys124 I have messaged you.