My partner is a swinger and he kept it a secret

[Mumoftwoboys124]

I have recently discovered my partner of 4 years and now my fiancé has led a secret life on fab swingers. He hasn’t denied it as have all evidence in front of me! We are getting married next year, we bought a house together and planned the future. He says he is really sorry, he will change and he loves me and still wants to be with me and marry me. I just don’t know how to make it work, as I don’t think I can ever trust him again! I do worry about how will I be able to manage on my own, needless to say how humiliating it’ll be once everyone discovers what he has done! I feel absolutely sick to my stomach and absolutely devastated about the fact that our relationship I know it’s over and all I know so far was a lie. This is my second serious relationship that hasn’t worked out and feel sometimes like I can’t go on. Should I leave him or shall I go ahead with the wedding and give him another chance? Has anyone been in a similar situation to offer some advice.

From your username it’s clear you have children. You are a mum who deserves and needs to be safe to raise those boys.

This serial cheat is entirely unsafe for you and a life spent with him will be miserable for you all and potentially damaging for your children.

I know it will hurt but get away from him.

After I found text and Skype messages to other women and couples on my ex husbands phone which mentioned the site fabswingers, I made a profile to try and find his as he'd shared his username with people. Like you, no profile picture ans just the bare minimum info to allow me to join. Within seconds I was being bombarded with messaged. It totally opened my eyes to how common it was. I remember walking around tesco the following day looking at men differently, including those with their wives, thinking "are you on that site, are you one of the men who messaged me?"

I only found out as my ex had broken thw screen on his phone and had been using an old phone while it was being repaired. When he got his phone back, although he'd switched the sim card the old phone was still connected to the wifi so while he was at work it kept pinging. I'd gone to switch it off and saw all the message notifications.

After finding his profile I took photos of everything. When he came in from work I said nothing. I waited until the next night when he was on night shift, went down to my parents house and printed the screenshots from his site as well aa some texts and Skype messages. My mum and I went back to my house, packed all his things into black bags and decorated the hall with the print outs. I stayed at my parents that night. When he came home he tried to phone me and texted me saying "it's not what it looks like" despite there being undeniable evidence. I think that's what bothered me the most, that he thought I was an idiot and even with all the evidence in front of me he thought hw could still pull the wool over my eyes.

These men think they're clever and fly. They think they are entitled to have aa much sex as they like. They don't care about anyone but themselves.

I like your style Laurdo

He's not swinging, he's cheating! Swinging is something couples can mutually agree to do, one party cannot make this decision alone

@Laurdo I'm so sorry that happened to you.

As you can tell, I feel quite strongly about this. I will never look at men the same way again after a few weeks on there. It was like some morbid curiosity that kept me on there after the first day. I literally could not believe the level of deceit and the sheer number of men on there doing this.

It actually makes me so angry how damaging this is for women who's partners do this. These men would do this to ANYONE they were with. You could be the most perfect person in the world and they would still think they're entitled to more. I hope you know that his behaviour is not a reflection on you OP.

I’m sorry this happened op. Is he the dad of your kids?

Don't make it work. It should work on its own.
You've dodged a bullet there. Keep going. Do not turn around and take the bullet.

Don't let him guilty you. He's cheated and that's not acceptable to you. I'm sure you made that clear at the beginning so this is all on him.

Stay strong!

He won't change.

Stand your ground. Do not let him manipulate you into staying.

Oh you have kids?

Yes I've been in a similar situation.

Marrying him is not going to make for a happy life . You don't have to tell anyone the reason for ending the relationship. Hold your head high and make the right decision for you and your family.

He. Will. Not. Change. This caper is worse than cheating (I know, I know, but hear me out). My ex engaged in these behaviours and I can almost guarantee there’ll be other stuff (kinks, substances, whatever) that you know nothing about. There’s a disconnect in these people and I know you want to believe in the guy you thought you knew, but he’s not real, they just like to create a ‘normal’ base. Move on, there’s good for you here.

Should I leave him or shall I go ahead with the wedding and give him another chance

It always surprises me the amount of shite a woman is prepared to put up with for the sake of not being single and meet what she thinks are society’s expectations… it is more important to go ahead with a wedding/marriage that would make you miserable for years because what the people would think???

This is disgusting. Throw him out and get yourself tested. Who knows what he’s been doing. Do not marry him.

No he isn't a swinger, that's a cover for him being a philanderer.

If he's swinging and you weren't aware and you didn't tell him you were fine with it - HES CHEATED ON YOU!

Doesn't matter how he wraps it up, or what he told you - he's cheated, multiple times by the sounds of it too

The poster who described a disconnect has it right.

He wants both. The stable family life. The risky casual sex life. That won't change if you get married.

If that's fine by you then get married. If it isn't, then leave.

I mean it’s not ideal really is it? You thought you were marrying someone faithful to you and it turns out he likes swinging. Unless you’re interested in joining him in this pursuit I would say run. On the other hand I would want to know all the details of the swinging. What is it he likes about it? What has he done? Is it the idea of it? Would he want you engaged with it?

Hi @Mumoftwoboys124 I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm shocked that you are even considering staying with him. Why??????

He isn't swinging by the way - for it to be swinging, you would have to have been involved. He's serial cheating.

He's lied to you, every day, for all that time. He's put you at risk of STDs. He's betrayed you, regularly and routinely. Any words he says now are lies. Of course they are. If he didn't want to do it, he could have stopped at any time. He's just saying what he thinks he needs to say to keep you for now. (and for obvious reasons - this is going to be really embarassing for him if it comes out, so he needs to keep you sweet).

He is very unlikely to stop cheating on you. He's shown you already that's his MO. And you're engaged to be married - that's meant to be the most romantic, loved-up stage of a relationship!!!! You will never be able to trust him again, with good reason. You'll always wonder who he's with / who he's talking to. If you go ahead and stay with him, you're signing up to that being your life. Why would you choose that?

Why are you frightened of being single? And whatever your reason, it's not a good reason to stay with a serial cheat and liar who doesn't value you.

You deserve better. This is not your shame, it's his. I beg you to confide in some people IRL as well as on here. Get as much support as you can get. You deserve it. He's the one who's made the mistake (and not one mistake, but has led a double-life, betraying you over and over again). He doesn't deserve your protection or your life.

Are you afraid of being single? Why do you seem to think you need bloke to validate you? Are you worried being a single parent you'll struggle to meet someone who wants you and two children in tow?

He's not a swinger

I'm actually not surprised op wants to stay in this atrocious relationship, so many women do se they've become conditioned that even a substandard relationship is better than none apparently!

How awful.

Yet another man who chose to mess up his future (a stable relationship, a home) just to have sleazy sex.

I would:

• have an STI check to make sure he has not passed on anything to you
• tell him the relationship is over and ask him to leave the house
• put the house on the market, tell him you expect him to cover all legal fees and then get your separate ways.

A man like that won't change.

He might play nice for a couple of years but ultimately he will start missing sexual variety.

Also you would never be able to really trust him and by letting him get away with it now you would give him a green light to ''swing'' because he got away with it once...

There are only 2 choices here:

1- Leave him.

2- Become a swinger also.

He will absolutely continue to have sex with other people so giving him 'another chance' just isn't an option.

How is it more humiliating to end a relationship because someone a cheat and a liar (and what you tell people is entirely up to you, it's your business but you can just say you discovered he's a serial cheat and had to end the relationship and this cancel any wedding plans) ....than to stay with & marry someone who's a serial cheat and liar.

Is that severe humiliation ok because it's only you two who know and you pretend it hadn't happened (and will you keep on pretending it's not happening when he returns to it at some point, which he probably will)?

It's not humiliating for you to end. relationship with a cheater and list before you enter into life changing legal, financial etc committment with him. It's you acting with self respect - the opposite of humiliating.

It'll be a bit of talk for a short while and then people will move on - they always do. And it's up to you how much you tell people, it's your private business, and it's your perpgativevto end a relationship at any time for anything you like.

As for 2 relationships that haven't worked out .... That's nothing.

Better to end a relationship with a serial cheater and liar than subject yourself to that as your life partner (which you will badly rue, I guarantee you, and will break down anyway unless you want to spend the rest of your days as a self deluded, std infected, stressed, sad door mat).

Do you come from a very conservative, traditional, judgemental background or something... That you put such stock in having only two relationships that didn't end up in marriage??!!

Are your two boys his (going from your user name?). I hope not.

I had 3 long term relationships before DH. Was a brilliant way to learn how to do a relationship well and also how to end one.
I've now been with DH for 23 years and it's been in the main brilliant. I thank the stars above that I didn't stay with any of the others (no 1 was dull, no 2 was chaotic, no 3 was self centred and a chest). It's not a failure the failure would be having a huge fucking red flag waved in your face and ignoring it. The humiliation is all on him.