Have found out that my dp is married

[almostthesecondwife]

Am a regular but have changed my name as I have friends on here that I know in rl.

I have been with my dp for 4 years. We met in a pub and got chatting and exchanged numbers and things sort of progressed from there. He's a salesman so does a lot of travelling so initially it was a long distance relationship. Then after we'd been seeing each other for about 6 months or so he moved in with me. But he still had to travel a lot so was away for 3 or 4 nights a week. It's always been like that.

He proposed to me within a few months of us moving in together but as yet we've never set a date as he's always given some reason, there's not enough money, he's very busy at work so unable to get the time off, it's been frustrating but I've generally accepted this without question.

Then a couple of weeks ago I was looking for a pen and knowing that he would have one in his briefcase I opened it, which is something I never do, and found a mobile phone in there that didn't appear to be his. And I did the inevitable and looked at it and there were texts on there from him to another woman and from her back to him, saying things like 'have really missed you babe, can't wait till you're home tonight' from her, and one from him that said 'I'll be home later', well i'd assumed it was from him. I confronted him about it, and he just said that the phone wasn't his and that it belonged to someone at work who had left it in his car and he'd brought it home.

But the next day after he went to work I rang the number of the other woman and asked if he was there, and she said no but that he would be home later that night, so I asked who she was and she said that she was his wife! .

I've confronted him about it and he's told me that the relationship has been over for years, that he's only there for the kids etc. Thing is, if that were true, why did he never tell me that he has 3 children?

I've done a lot more snooping and he's literally been leading a double life. with bank account for me and him, and bank account for him and her, different mobile phones registered to different addresses etc. I never questioned it because we both just put enough money into the joint account to cover bills and kept the rest for ourselves, so I'm guessing he was putting part of his salary into our joint account, an half into the marital account .

But we have a 15 month old daughter, and I have recently discovered that I am pregnant again. I don't know whether I can deal with the betrayal, but I don't know what to do.

Does his wife have a right to know? He's begged me not to tell her, but I'm not just the other woman am I? I'm also mother to his children.

[almostthesecondwife]

Thank you for all your supportive posts.

I have spoken to CAB today and they have advised me that the only thing I am entitled to financially is maintenance for my children. The woman I spoke to did say though that if his wife decides to divorce him then she will be entitled to half his assets as well as maintenance for their children whereas I won't be entitled to anything on that scale.

We don't actually have any joint assets other than a joint bank account. The house is in my name, his car is a company car, and everything else is just material stuff which I wouldn't imagine he would want any of anyway because it's just things like furniture.

The woman at CAB did ask whether he was registered on the electoral roll at my address and i said yes. She then said that if he is registered here and at his marital address he is actually breaking the law as you can only be registered to vote in one place. Although she wasn't sure what penalty, if any, would be given for that.

I have spoken to a family solicitor and have an appointment on Friday to hopefully sort out what to do about getting some maintenance for our children.

I am fortunate as I do earn a fairly decent salary, I was financially independent before I met him, so apart from wanting my children taken care of I don't want anything from him. In fact the more I think about him, the more I think that I actually hate him.

[PippiCalzelunghe]

I want to come there and bash his head with a baseball bat !
well done, you seem very organised and determined. you've got all my admiration and support.
when is he back? does he have any incling that things are NOT okay or does he think he has 'quietened' you?

[YeahBut]

When is he going to turn up next and have you changed the locks yet? Have you decided what to do about telling his wife?

[hunkermunker]

I'm very glad you are fairly sorted with the material things - makes your platform from which to sort him out more stable.

[violetsky]

Please, please, please, if you do go and tell her what has happened don't go on your own, you have the unborn lo to consider. If I was you I would find out where she lives if nothing else.

[ara]

How awful you poor thing

I'm afraid I would definitely make contact with his wife - if i were in her shoes i would want to know sooner rather than later. This man sounds vile and it is horrifying to think that he has pulled this off so effectively for so long. Frightening!

[stuffitllama]

So sorry and for your situation. Look after yourself and your children before going for payback. Take whatever you're entitled to out of the joint account before he spends it. Protect yourself. Take care.

[MAMAZON]

what an awful situation.
i have nothing more to offer than has already been said, but just had to post.

stay strong.

[CaptainDippy]

Thoguhts and Prayers are with you. What an awful situation. xx

[almostthesecondwife]

Hello, well I did something very stupid and irational today and rang his wife.

I received a valentines card today with 24 red roses and a message that said 'yours for ever and always. I'm ashamed to say that I absolutely lost it and after I'd left a message on his voicemail telling him what I thought of him and his valentines message I rang his wife. When she answered I just said that I thought she should know that I'd been living with her husband for the past 4 years and that we had a child together and that I was pregnant again.

It was horrible. At first she didn't say anything then she started accusing me of getting pregnant to trap her husband, said that I was a slut for going after a married man etc. I told her that I'd had no idea he was married but she just wouldn't listen and kept shouting and then she hung up.

I know I shouldn't have spoken to her until I had the finances sorted but the flowers just sent me over the edge and I just don't see why he should be going home to his wife and playing happy families while he has another family that she doesn't know about.

I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow about maintenance, but to be honest I don't even know if I care about the money. I've taken all of the money out of the joint account and someone is coming out tomorrow afternoon to change the loks on the house.

I was just so stupid to have told her in the way I did. Why couldn't I hold it together for another few days, now I've probably screwed everything up for my children. .

[ShinyDysonHereICome]

Hope all goes well for you tomorrow; what are you planning to do when he comes home? x

[ShinyDysonHereICome]

Sorry I posted before I saw your latest message.

She deserved to know; in my honest opinion you did the right thing. She was never going to react pleasantly, I'm so sorry you had to bear the full brunt of her reaction, with news like that she was likely to take the shock out on whoever was closest- you unfortunately

In time, hopefully she will agree to the children all having some kind of contact with one another as they get older. I'd be inclined to write to her so that she knows how to contact you if she decided to in the future- via email even.

If you need to chat just let me know x

[LittleMissNorty]

You poor thing - I am ...what a complete and utter tosser!

I would have done exactly the same thing today as you .....greedy sod will hopefully end up with no partners, no home and no money!!

Don't think you've screwed anything for your DCs.....you'll still get your maintenance

[almostthesecondwife]

ShinyDyson I don't really know what I'm going to do. I'm changing the locks so he can't just walk back in and to be honest this isn't really his home is it? His home should have been with his wife and other three children and not with me.

For the past 4 years while we've been going out for meals and buying furniture for our baby's nursery and I've been bringing up his (our?) baby and we've been sleeping together and planning for the future as husband and wife he should have been doing all those things with his wife and not me.

The last 4 years of my life have been a lie. I've even started to wonder if it's fair to bring another baby into this mess that is now my life.

[wheresthehamster]

I think that would be a normal reaction for the wife. Hopefully when she's calmed down she'll be thinking up something horrible for him when he gets home.

[PatsyCline]

I think that you've shown amazing self control lasting so long without ringing his wife. Poor you and poor her - it's so sad that he has done this to two families.

I hope things go well for you as things move forward. You deserve to be happy.

Patsy

[ShinyDysonHereICome]

Do you have RL friends who you can have supporting you through this? I'm based in Sussex too- (not sure where you are though) so if you need a chat and a cup of coffee please just say.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing, and to be honest I'd say you were in a bit of shock before and are only now reacting as you should.

Big (virtual) hugs! x

[LIZS]

What a naive ar$e he is , expecting you to accept his "gift" and hollow words. Hes oudsn in denial tbh, perhaps he is so far goen as to believe his own lies. You sound remarkably together and practical but please try to ensure there is someone you cna trust in RL with whom you can discuss your feelings as and hwen they surface. Good luck witht he solicitor, he won't get away without maintenance, dna can sort that if needs be. With any luck his wife will feel the same in time and he'll lose everything.

[almostthesecondwife]

LIZS I wish I felt as together as my posts make me sound. That's why i wrote it all down on here before telling anyone in rl because I think that if I say it out loud then I'll just lose it completely.

I sent an email to my brother last night and just said that I had to tell him in writing because I didn't feel up to talking about it in person. He's been very supportive although has threatened to come round when dp gets back and beat the crap out of him.

After what i've done today I'm not sure he'll be coming back anyway and maybe that's for the best.

[elkiedee]

Telling his wife was never going to be easy. At least he hasn't got any claim on your house.

Your children will at some point want to know who their dad is as they get older, he's part of their story.

Hope you find a way through and that your friends online and in real life can support you.

[Dropdeadfred]

I feel so sorry for you, I really do. And sorry for his wife.

When he wa saway did you never ring him in the evenings? What if your child was ill and you needed him home?

[stuffitllama]

Hi it's so sad when you say the last four years of your life have been a lie. No doubt you are looking back at everything you shared and imagining him scheming the whole time. I know this will not be a very popular thing to say, and I don't think anything should soften your view of him, as you need to protect yourself emotionally and practically now with a great deal of control. But he probably meant a lot of what he said in a strange and selfish way, and you and your child and your pregnancy probably were very important to him. He will be in a flat spin now, as he should be, and I suspect sent the roses etc to stop the result which eventually transpired -- ie you phoning his wife. If I were you I would get control of the finances and your emotions as much as possible before you even speak to him again, as you will probably have to do for practical purposes, and I would try to only speak to him with a third person present. From now on he can only undermine you, he's going to be like a drowning man and will definitely clutch in your direction. I don't think there's any need to be vengeful, just do everything you can to protect your children and yourself. With best wishes.

[ScruffyTeddy]

Sorry to hear this. I think his wife's reaction is pretty much what I would have expected. It would take a hell of a woman to calmly listen to that and not blame you in any way, and like you, she is only human.

Im sure you did what you did not out of spite for her but hurt and anger that he should be getting away with this, unfortunately it wont come over that way to her. Its possible you will be blamed for something that really was not your fault and I would be very surprised if he confessed. I think you need to be prepared for the worst where that's concerned.

Sorry, I know this must be awful for you but thank goodness you found out when you did. Im sure you're already doing the best thing for your baby by not putting up with this behaviour and continuing to live a lie.