Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

Indeed.

This is a great response, sensible and cautious but less cataclysmic than most of the other suggestions. I hope the OP takes heed of this one.

Gonna go against the grain here, OP, and say I'd give him another chance. No one is perfect. No one. We all make mistakes, or run adrift in life in some way, and everyone should be given the opportunity to redeem themselves. But I think I'd want to see him actively engaged in some kind of 'addiction' programme to keep him stable in the longer term. Is there some kind of financial AA type thing over there?

I wouldn't just dump him, @LaPL, given everything you've said. I absolutely wouldn't give him a single penny to help him financially, but I don't think that being completely financially incontinent is necessarily a reason for him to be dumped.

However: I would not under any circumstances move in with him until he has shown some serious commitment to sorting his finances out. And there is no way on Earth I would move in with him if it also involved taking in a 'roommate'. You surely couldn't even think of letting your child live with a random adult stranger? That's the thing I find more incomprehensible than the possibility of continuing a non live-in relationship with this man.

What I don't understand is the fact that, with that sort of debt, he's got a car that he's still paying off, he's running what I assume it's a reasonably nice apartment (because you'd have noticed if it wasn't), he's going out for dinners etc. He may be living within his means, but he's not exactly been busting a gut to pay off his debt, has he? Why has he got money saved up rather than using it to pay off the debt without delay?

It all still shows a pretty irresponsible attitude to money. And, as he's lied to you in the past, how do you know he isn't lying now?

All the words and actions that some posters see as him being loving despite the debt were actually him disempowering you, manipulating you, grooming you.

Bought you something nice, paid for you all to do things?
He was ALREADY in six figure debt!

Daydreamed together about the future?
He KNEW he couldn't do those things, but he strung you along, because it was more important that he get laid, than you be free to meet someone you could do those things with.

Was lovely to your child, played the partner, provider and father figure?
When the intent and reality was to sponge off you, and therefore TAKE already limited resources away from you and your child.

He saw you coming and played you like a fiddle from the very first day. He has harmed you so much already. Don't let it continue.

Do get some therapy to untangle the aftermath of two abusive relationships.

Jeez, he instantly spotted you as a vulnerable woman and has cynically played you so well, gently schmoozing you, you’ve actually fallen for all his fake charm.

He’s not the Prize you think he is. He’s a total USER and is honestly no better than the abusive man you left behind. He knows that you wouldn’t have gone on a second date if you’d met the real him.

In fact, he’s no different to those men who pretend to be lawyers, doctors, pilots etc. who send friend requests on Facebook to lonely women, except you know they’re scammers. Unfortunately, he’s hoodwinked you into believing his lies and you’re now feeling sorry for him and actually contemplating throwing your daughter under a bus for him. That’s what you’re effectively doing if you let him move in with you both.

Stop a minute and think about the lesson you’re teaching your young impressionable daughter. Don’t let her grow up thinking that she should be grateful for the attentions of any man who doesn’t beat her up.

In the past 1.5 years, I saw him with me, with his family, his friends, I saw the way he acts, the way he thinks, etc. you can’t fake your entire personality like that. He sold me the life I was dreaming, that yes.

You absolutely can fake a personality for 18 months, yes. Most conmen do. And he is a conman, that's why it all seems so perfect. He waited until you were hooked before exposing part of a lie. And you've been reeled in once by an abuser OP and sorry to say, this will make it more likely that you'll be a victim again.

I'd leave him. The problem with taking the softly softly approach and just dating him, is that it gives him more of a chance to lie and suck you in. You'll fall for him even more. I'd just get out now. There are just too many warning signs. You don't keep cash around when you've got debt. You clear the debt ASAP. He is not who or what you think he is.

Have you told him this or are you thinking of telling him this? The sentence didn’t quite make sense.

Please DO NOT have this man living in your house rent free. Google Cocklodger. Run, run, run.

If you can absolutely trust your judgment and everything you’ve said about him is correct then I would give him one chance. Let him know that if there is anything left to come out this is his chance. Tell him you will accept zero fucking up. Don’t let him move in yet but wait another year to make sure he is putting things right.

So he is 120k in debt and has 20k sitting in a safe that he will just hold onto for emergencies rather than pay his creditors for the lifestyle he was leading that he couldn’t afford. So it’s OK to spend other people’s money and not pay it back as you want to keep 20k for yourself. And you want to have a relationship with this man?

He has groomed you. He told what you wanted to hear (even though it was a pack of lies) until he judged you were sufficiently emotionally connected to stick with him even though he is the absolute opposite of the person you want in your life. He is as abusive as your ex although at the moment he is being more subtle with it. That won't last.

if he has lied so comprehensively and convincingly about money, what else has he lied about? I am quite sure there's a lot more.

You have a responsibilities to your DC and your self. You are quite rightly planning to secure their future. You have no responsibility to secure his. You would be an idiot to invite him into your home and start merging your financial future with him. He will drag you down with him.

If you love him keep seeing him but don't sub him. Let him take care of himself financially. If that means him kipping on a mates sofa or moving into a hostel , let him do it. Don't let him become a burden to you. If he loves you he will accept your priority has to be your child's future and do what he has to do to sort out his finances and stay in your life.

I can confidently predict that this won't happen. If his scam doesn't work and you don't start helping him out financially he will drop you in a heartbeat and move onto his next victim.

Everyone of those romantic lovely dreamy conversations was a total lie. He was drawing you in with fantasy whilst knowing full well what he was doing. Very convenient for him.

Definitely run.

My DH has been bankrupt, he was 100% honest though and it happened after we were married. It has a lifelong impact on us as a unit-we can’t have any linked finances and he can’t have a mortgage with me which limits our borrowing. I’ve no regrets but honesty is a must. I couldn’t get past lies.

How would OP know that she;s being shown the full picture?
She can only see what he chooses to show her.
She can never be certain that he is not concealing other layers of debt.

He’s living within his means for the past 2 years.
So he tells you.
How on earth can you know if that's true?
And what on earth can he mean by it? He's not living within his means - he still has a house-worth's of debt which he hasn't begin to address.

Ansd his story about the accident?
Bullshit.
He chose to rack up stupendous debt because he wanted to.
It has nothing to do with a single unfortunate circumstance.
People are involved in accidents or suffer adverse events every day. It doesn't make them suddenly decide to spend wildly over their means, run up unmanageable debts, then LIE TO THEIR GIRLFRIEND about it.

If you do decide to stay with him then don’t live together. Have a relationship but separate homes, finances etc. Pay your own ways. Let him do the repayment plan. You buy your own place and see where it goes. But don’t pay his debt, or feel that you need to help him financially in any way. If you go out split the bill as per what you buy/eat etc (May not be romantic but so what). Then he can focus on getting out of debt by making cheaper choices at restaurants etc rather than trying to keep up with you. Discuss this and see what he says.

You child is your responsibility, this adult who made poor choices is not your responsibility - enjoy this mans company but as an addition to a life you create for you and your child. Be independent.

He will drag you down with him.

Why is he in this position?

I was you!!!!!

But we went ahead and had two children whilst ‘searching for the right home’ and he wanted to ‘add to his savings’. There were no savings!! Just lots of debt. I now live in a HA house, something I NEVER thought I would end up doing.

Get out now before you’re financially ruined.

now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do

You'd be an absolute fool to let him move in. It is not the right thing to do.

That will give him the possibility to pay (let’s say $500/months) towards his debts, and me the possibility to put my entire spousal support into my OWN savings account, I see it as a win win, nobody else see it this way?
i’m renting my apartment, it’s not like he will have part of my house if he moves in, equity etc, none of that

No it isn't a win win.

You cannot trust him. He future-faked for 18 months. I can understand him feeling shame about the debt and not wanting to reveal it. I can understand him being in denial BUT he spent 18 months promising you a future, discussing wedding venues, houses and so on, knowing full well that it wasn't going to be possible any time soon. He absolutely shouldn't have done that.

I'm very wary of hobosexuals/cocklodgers having unfortunately had one living with me for 2 years. No one falls in love faster than a bloke who has an impending "accommodation emergency" - ie. no longer able to afford rent, issues with debt, landlord kicking them out etc. Maybe that isn't the case here but you need to be wary of cocklodger types who get comfy in a woman's house. And it sounds like you have assets and money coming in and stability. They move in, maybe have fairly good intentions at first, but then there's maybe an issue at work and they quit, get fired. Perhaps depression gets on top of them (he's already had depression in the past). In any case, they are suddenly there, not contributing and you have a job getting rid of them. Maybe you think I am being a doom-monger, but you really do not know this bloke, 18 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things, especially as there is a child involved.

Finally, you have no idea how he ran up this debt. It indicates a deeper problem and until you get to the bottom of that you would be an absolute idiot to move him in. Could be gambling, a drug addiction, sex addiction (prostitutes etc).

But I guess I'm talking to the wall here because it's pretty clear from your posts that he will be moving in.

You asked what we would do? Well, frankly it would probably be the end of the road for me, but if I felt he was a wonderful man and I loved him and he was great with my child, I would continue the relationship but he'd have to stay in the flat he's in. And I'd also plan my own financial future, taking no account of him - so if I wanted to buy a house I'd have to see if I could afford that on my own, if I couldn't I'd have to make do with what I had.
But what absolutely definitely wouldn't be happening is having someone like that moving into my and my child's home.

Will the Canadian really pay off 80% of his debt when he has £65,000 in savings???? I can’t believe this is true.

However, I am a an adult, in my late 30s. In the past 1.5 years, I saw him with me, with his family, his friends, I saw the way he acts, the way he thinks, etc. you can’t fake your entire personality like that.
Er ... yes you can OP.
There have been thousands of threads on mumsnet alone, proving that some people can do exactly that.

He sold me the life I was dreaming, that yes.
And that is part of his personality.
He chose a wedding venue with you & spent hours encouragng you to daydream about the wonderful marriage you were going to share, telling you he would buy a house with you & give you a wonderful life.

You are not angry yet, but I suspect you will be, as the full truth of what he has done to you sinks in.

You have been future faked, & you are fooling yourself that the man he portrayed himself to you as is the man he really is. When the man he is, is a financially incontinent liar, who tricked you, & deliberately & callously built up your dreams, knowing damn well he could not fulfil them.

If he was serious about getting straight then why not use those savings? 65K if I'm reading the OP right. That'd halve his debts at one go.

Are you mad? You have a six year old. Your assets are his assets. You want to spend your child's money subsidising some high-spending lying loser who you've only known for 18 months. FFS put your child first.

I think this very much depends what you want from life, and also whether you can trust your DP to change his ways....
I was in a similar position with my dp/now Dh..when we talked about about a future and moving in together he admitted that he had 30k credit card debts and nothing to his name. I decided to overlook this as I felt otherwise I was only with him for money.....to be honest it has been a very long hard slog. He carried on with irresponsible spending, but hid it from me qand making very little if no effort to pay off his debts. He was made redudant and then had to be declared bankkrupt - fortunatley we had no shared finances (even though married by that point) so it didn't directly effect me credit rating wise.

There have definitely been times over the years where I have felt that I made a big mistake, would I do it all again? I'm not sure. DH retrained and is now in a much higher paid job - he is much better with money now (if anything a bit tight!) but I still control all the household finances as that is what makes me feel secure.

Practically speaking we have never had a fancy house, though through hard work I have just about paid the mortgage off our 3 bed terrace - we could afford to move/upgrade now but the kids are mostly grown up and I don;t want to commit to another mortgage.

When the children were younger they probably did without some things, could I have provided a better life for them on my own? Probably not. Could I have provided a better life with someone more well off/financially responsible, definitely but there are so many ifs and buts in there, that I don't really see that as having been an alternative as I didn't meet that person.

He had a very bad car accident 10 years ago (just an accident, not his fault) and he was sued by the other driver

How do you know it wasn't his fault? Unless you've read the accident report and all the court papers yourself, you cannot know for sure.

Which is my point. You cannot ever trust anything this man tells you. He has shown himself to be an accomplished liar. A routine liar. He will lie about anything and everything to get the outcome he wants. You will have to verify absolutely everything he tells you with reliable external sources for the rest of your life. Do you really want to live that way?

Why not tell him face to face what a relief.... as you are also stoney broke. Bet the level of deceit doesn't sit as well with him as it seems to with you op..
Watch HIM run for the hills..
He doesn't see a future of hearts and flowers op. Only $ signs.