Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

@GarlicGrace's words bear repeating.

But it's the lie. It's the huge, sustained, deliberate lying. He lied for 18 months, persistently. He wasn't even covering his arse out of shame or something: he chose again and again to mislead you about your future together. He constructed an entire fantasy for you to enjoy with him, knowing it was a fabrication that you believed. This is not an act of love; it's calculated deception. There's no other way to see it.

HE SET OUT TO DECEIVE YOU OP.
And now he is manipulating you with his "I expect you'll leave me".

You are making some astonishing excuses for appalling behaviour.

@LaPL I think some people are being harsh on here, people can make mistakes.

From experience via work not personal- he needs to declare bankruptcy and have a payment plan set up before he moves in with you or your income will be included in his payment plan.

From this he will receive financial advice and budgeting advice.

He has been honest with you as soon as he was able to accept it himself. No it's not an ideal situation but it can work.

I think if you want to be with him then you have an opportunity to start from Ground Zero. He needs to go bankrupt and clear the debt before you move on in your relationship together. Once he has done this, then you could let him move in and you will both be able to start saving...not spending.

He will never clear the debt otherwise and it will drag you back with him. This will taint your lives together.

I've been in a similar position. When I met DH, he was £18,000 in debt, and he didn't tell me at first. It became a bit obvious that he was struggling for money (despite having a good job), so I outright asked him, which is when he came clean. He had incurred credit card debt from when he was earning a pittance.

We did forge ahead, and he entered in to a plan with creditors, like you describe. In the UK it's called something different, but the principal is the same, and he was debt free within 3 years. In that time, he lived with me, didn't pay rent, but covered his food and drink.

This was all 14 years ago now, so he's been debt free for 11 years. I can totally see how the debt built up though, because he is one of life's spenders. He still spends a lot on crap, but at least it's now within his means. But he hardly ever has savings, which is frustrating. I find that I end up paying for our treats, but in fairness, I earn a lot more than him, so I don't really mind.

He is due to inherit a fortune one day - it will be interesting to see how his spending goes when that happens, lol.

Will you still receive spousal support if your new partner moves in with you?

Did he actually lie to you though? Or did he just withhold information from you about his finances?
FFS yes he did.
He lied about marriage, holidays, buying a house, & having a wonderful life together.
For 18 months, while knowing damn well he couldn't do any of it.

You’ve seen proof that the debts are historical, not recent.
Let me correct this please.
OP has seen proof that SOME debts are historic. She has no way of knowing that this man isn't still accruing current debt.

He’s not taken financial advantage of you.
Yet.
He taken immense psychological advantage already.
He either did that deliberately, in which case OP should run for her life.
Or he did it because he can''t help his Walter Mitty tendencies, in which case OP should run for her life.

He pays his way.
On credit.

No history of gambling addictions etc.
How do you know?

He has a good job.
Which he lives beyond the means of.
He could be earning a million dollars a year: if he's spending 2 million, how much "good" is the job?

Decent guy, great with your child.
Decent guys don't lie. Decent guys don't future-fake. Decent guys don't lead women up the garden path.

I wouldn’t throw all of this away because he managed his finances poorly for a while.
Understatement of the thread!
Spent several years spending thousands & thousands every year on the high life.
Lied about it.
Happy to break OP's heart & shatter the dreams he sold her.

I think this is one of those threads where the OP will just plough on with her plans regardless - despite the vast majority saying that moving him in to her place is a terrible idea, even if they are saying to not necessarily dump him. It feels a bit ‘But!But!But!’.

I think most people would slow things down a bit and wait whilst he takes the steps to get the consumer arrangement (which sounds like an IVA) and stick to it for a few years before moving forward with anything more permanent with them such as living together and marriage. Realistically, you’re hardly like to get married and then swan off on holiday with your DS whilst poor DH is at home, with no money to come along. Inadvertently or otherwise, you’ll end up paying towards this debt OP.

He led.you on. Obviously because of his denial.about his situation but he absolutely could have avoided building up your dreams.

think this is one of those threads where the OP will just plough on with her plans regardless - despite the vast majority saying that moving him in to her place is a terrible idea, even if they are saying to not necessarily dump him. It feels a bit ‘But!But!But!’

Aye, poor kid having that shit moved into their safe space. No need to live together at all. This man is capable of saving himself.

Please, please DON’T let him move in with you and your child !
He has primed you, lied to you and manipulated you for 18 months. It’s not about the money.
Don’t try and ‘rescue’ him, he’s a grown ass man who needs to stand on his own two feet, get himself out of debt and at the same time prove to you that he can be trustworthy after all. It’s a big ask.
I predict that he will rinse you out and then disappear one day onto his next victim.
You're thinking with your heart and not your head here, OP. Please reconsider.

Thank God you now know !!
I would not move in with / marry him until he is debt free (for some time too...)
He's led you up a pretty garden path as he knew all along.
Maybe he's a con artist. Maybe he wants it too & couldnt' bear the truth.
But it's taken him a LONG time to tell you.
Now, you walk, or you keep him at arms length whilst you see if he can change.
Meantime, you are missing out on the chance of happiness with someone else.

He has been honest with you as soon as he was able to accept it himself. No it's not an ideal situation but it can work.

Being too cowardly to face the truth of your own actions is not a quality I look for in a partner. And the OP has no way of knowing if he is being honest with her now.

This isn't "not disclosing" a bit of an overdraft.
This is love bombing & future faking on a grand scale while deliberately concealing $120k debt. This is selling a dream of a house, marriage, holidays & wonderful life that he cannot possibly afford.

He didn't stop at vague aspirations - he chose their wedding venue & encouraged OP to fix her hopes on it & start planning. He talked about buying a home together. He knew damn well he was lying.

Funny how he waited until OP was emotionally hooked by his amazing loving self before coming clean. Can't be anything to do with being a conman after a meal ticket, can it?
now, thanks to my abusive ex, I had two houses, good savings, pension and a down payment for a home

Honestly when are people supposed to reveal the full state of their finances in a new relationship?

DP and I had a ballpark idea after the first date. We also knew that we had a similar attitude to money. Neither of us is materialistic but we are both careful. But then both of us have seen our parents burned by partners who were spendthrift and neither of us ever want to be in that situation.

Also you state he can't fake how nice he is?

Your husband abused you?

Did he abuse you in the first 18 months, from the minute you met?

Or did he fake being a good guy too?

You are spectacularly naive if you think men cannot fake who they are.

Spectacularly naive.

Your child has an abusive father?

Don't you think he has had enoughosers in his life.

He lied to you for 18 months about who he is?

Don't kid yourself otherwise.

Good decent guys don't lie.

Guys with an agenda DO.

So your 18 months have been built on a fantasy relationship.

The truth is he is a liar with 6 figures of debt. How the heck did he amass that!

Don't be dumb. The fantasy doesn't exist.

Of course there are addiction issues. he is addicted to a high life that even his decent salary cannot sustain.

And let's not give him the benefit of the doubt - let's look at his creditors' perspective instead: he owes $120k, & is sitting on £45k, yet hasn't repaid a cent of the capital.

He has talked over this debt management idea with OP (or more likely, she has researched & done all the work to desperately present it to him) of walking away from 80% of his debt. He could have done that at any point. He certainly could have done it in the last 18 months, while he was busy getting OP to fall in love with him. But he didn't bother.

Why would he? He's got a wealthy divorcee up his sleeve.
now, thanks to my abusive ex, I had two houses, good savings, pension and a down payment for a home

& now he's selling her the sob story.
And like so many love-bombed before her, she's buying it.

Why would you actively move a cocklodger into your home?

If you like the guy you can still date/shag/spend time together, you just don't have to pay him to be your partner.

I'm feeling jaded.

End it, get therapy
vs.
Move him in, get pregnant

Which will OP do?

This is a lovely story but it's not OP's story.

I'm not sure why you felt it was a good idea to post it.
It has NO similarities to OP's situation.

You did not lie, you did not future fake, you did not rack up debt because you were addicted to a lifestyle you could not afford. You did not dishonestly keep back a secret $45k lump sum while owing $120k. You did not tell your DH-to-be that you could afford a wonderful lifestyle, holidays, a house & a wedding.

It's irresponsible to pretend to OP that your circumstances in any way resembled hers.

Speaking from experience. Don’t let this go any further. My husband is terrible with money, found this out when I was pregnant very early into our 10 year relationship. I love him dearly, he has so many good points but he hasn’t really changed, In ten years. As awful as this sounds, this guy has lead you down a rabbit whole of telling you exactly what you want to hear. Now you’re hooked. Get out fast. Because your life won’t be anything like you think or hope it will be.

Just to say, if @GarlicGrace were to become hitched to one of mine, I would be delighted! In complete contrast to how if you, OP, were one of mine and thinking of carrying on with this bloke you've found. Both these prospective partners are in debt but only one of them is a trustworthy adult. (I hope this isn't inadvertently offensive @GarlicGrace ? - that wasn't my intention.)

OP why isn't your partner the lodger instead of the one with the apartment only now talking of taking on a lodger and why has he got twenty thousand in a safe?? And why hasn't he embarked on this wonderful sounding Canadian scheme to sort himself out before now?

My first non-negotiable would be going with him to his parents for the popping of the successful son illusionary bubble...

I never offered to pay for his debts ... he knows about my savings but never took advantage of me financially ever

No, but then he's not managed to move in yet; allow him to and I absolutely guarantee it would become "If you could just ..." with another story attached as to what it'll do to his mental health if you don't

It's not running up the debt in the first place that's the biggest red flag but the lies, so if you choose to go with this at least take responsibility for what you've done rather than complaining when it all goes wrong

I think its more nuanced than he is a liar and future faker.I think people can make mistakes and its great that he wants to address it.BUT When you say you wont pay $1 towards his debts if you let him move in you will. You will be subsidising utilities and most likely food. Its a slow creep and not a choice you can afford to make as you have a child. Stay with him by all means but do not even think about moving in with him until the debt is fully cleared by whatever means and he has been stable and debt free for a year or two. Appreciate it might feel you are putting your life on hold for 5 years but if this is THE guy you have a lifetime of living together