Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

This must have been a horrible shock. I understand the logic of your thought process but I also understand the advice on here telling you to stay clear. You need to think of your kid and not do anything you might regret later. I'd keep things as they are for now, live separately, see whether he follows through with his plans to reduce his debt. There is really no need for you to help him financially (which you would be doing just by moving in), no need for you to change anything right now, and you can support him emotionally, if you want to, as he takes responsibility for his own actions.

I wouldn't have him in my home, for sure.
And actually, I would have nothing further to do with him.
All the 'amazing' stuff has been a lie.

@LaPL I have a different perspective from most posters. People are imperfect and just because he made this (large) mistake doesn’t mean he’s a ‘master manipulator’.

My husband is not the best with money and revealed what (to me) seemed like a significant amount of debt before we got married. I was extremely upset & worried this would be a permanent pattern. But the reality was he’s just not great with money, was willing to change with help and hand over the control to me. A few years later and we’re debt free, significant savings for a house deposit and hardly ever argue about money.

I’m not saying this isn’t an important betrayal of trust but he has come clean to you now, and if he’s a good person who is contrite I would be inclined to work through it - or at least give him the chance to show he is changing. A life is a long time and a few years from now things could look completely different.

good luck x

@LaPL in the kindest possible way: you’ve come out of an abusive relationship with your H, you’re not even divorced yet, the saga is still ongoing. Your parameters are shot to pieces, this new bloke is nicer than your ExH, but it’s still a shit show than none of us would touch with a barge pole.
Your standards are fucked, my love. Step away and focus on yourself for a while.

I know because I was in your shoes. Much love.

I think you’ve already made up your mind to stay with him OP.
You sound as if you’ve really thought it through and made a decision regardless of what anyone says on here.

@LaPL You have been played like a fiddle and you refuse to see it.

A man who was honest and loving would have admitted his debt and inability to build the perfect life you were planning straight away. He’d have been working hard to sort things out.

You also sound a bit odd about money yourself - you want someone who can help you achieve a big house.
Him moving in with you now allows you to cut down on bills etc.

What you are refusing to see is the reality - he could have made the changes he’s talked about 2 years ago. Even 2 months ago. He hasn’t.
Why wait until now, for your approval, to make these changes.
You are so focused on what you can gain financially here you aren’t looking at what you could lose.

Of course he’s lovely to everyone - his future finances depend on it.

If he’s being truthful about wanting to sort his debt and create a life with you then let him show through his actions. Why the rush to have him live with your child?

My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit.
Of course this is your first reaction. You want this not to be true, but know it is, so want the next best thing - for it all to go away as soon as possible, & for you to still have a happy future with this guy.

I know this is the right thing to do,
No you do not.
You know it;s what you want to do, to try & make things feel normal & to hold on to a desperate hope that you can make everything better.

but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again?
Exactly!
Do NOT plunge into a rushed decision with somebody who has proved so very untrustworthy.

He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.
Well educated, decent job, no responsibilities ... but he still managed to get into that amount of debt?
Do not listen to his words about using a protected credit card responsibly for the last 2 years. If he was responsible, he would have cut up all of his credit cards.
Do not believe his promise that he has not accumulated more debt.

Do NOT move him in with you until he has spent a year paying off that debt all on his own, & can prove it to you.

I am so sorry he has pissed on your dreams like this, & for how much shock & sadness you must be managing. But you must NOT enmesh yourself with this man financially. He has a lot of apologising to do, & that apology must take the form of showing you he can start fixing this situation on his own, like a responsible adult.

You are not his financial rescuer.
You have no idea of the true extent of his debt.
You must not compromise your own financial independence & housing to help a debt-ridden liar. I know how harsh that sounds about the man you fell in love with - but that is who he is right now. It's up to him to put in a lot of work now, to prove to you he can fix this mess himself.

communication is excellent

So why are you only finding out about this now?

you can’t fake your entire personality like that

Some people absolutely can, and that's why they're able to suck in victims so easily. He's lied to your face for 18 months and you were clueless. Has this really not sunk in yet?

I don't quite see it like this.

He can be loving, supportive and all the rest of it while at the same time, having huge debts he's not told her about.

The lie is that he wasn't able to give the OP what they planned, in terms of buying a house.

This doesn't mean that day to day, he isn't caring.

He has come clean now and that must have been very hard to do.
When they first met, he wasn't to know if the relationship would progress. So he was hardly going to admit to this early on.

He obviously felt very ashamed and it's taken him a long time to come clean.

I do wonder if the roles were reversed and this was a woman posting, saying she'd misled her boyfriend, and the longer it went on, the harder it was to come clean, if posters would be more sympathetic?

However, I still don't think she ought to continue with the relationship. That's because he does have issues with money- can't control his spending- and spending on holidays etc to this extent is no different from gambling- it's an addiction.

And, having left an abusive marriage, the last thing she needs is another man with issues and to become his rescuer.

The shame & stigma is primarily about the lying & deliberately leading OP up the garden path.

He hasn't run up that huge debt by caring for his old grandma or raising children. He has a decent job, & chose to live beyond his means. he must have been racking up debt for years to get to 6 figures, with no responsibilities other than himself.

HowTF has he managed that - gambling?

I wouldn't suggest that the relationship is worth saving at this point, but I am slightly struggling with one part of this...

"I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home"

To be honest, that makes you sound like a gold digger whose main criteria for a relationship is that they have the money to gve you the lifestyle you need. If that was the impression he got as well, perhaps that goes some way to explaining how he ended up in this situation?

You need to ask some harder questions, starting with what actually happened in the accident, the 20k in cash 'for emergencies', his strategies for coping with stress in the future. You love him, so you want to believe his versions of how life drove him to go on scuba holidays - but a cynical bystander does see a few gaps in the narrative.

The ‘heart of gold’ comment is a bit ironic seeing he’s in so much debt. Maybe that’s what he has spent his money on, getting a heart made of gold!

@LaPL

This man lied to you from the start. He misrepresented himself. He allowed you to fall for the version of him who doesn’t really exist.

’I’d love to buy a property one day but I don’t have any savings’

’I’d love to get married in the future but my finances aren’t there yet. We can talk more if we become serious in a few months’

That is what a decent man says/does.

And he’s only told you because you forced him hand.

Rescuing some bloke when you already have one abusive marriage behind you and a child to worry about? Fuck that.

But you don’t want to hear that so crack on.

Honestly Op, just stay as you are for another year or more. Don't move in together, it will only mean even more heartbreak for your daughter if it goes tits up. You keep on saying how moving in will benefit him, it's not a good reason to do it. You can afford to be independent, so be independent while you see how this plays out longer term. Don't whatever you do try to help him manage his money. Don't find yourself paying more for trips, holidays or even meals out because you think you can afford it more than he can.

I think a lot of us can see the trap opening up in front of you quite clearly. That doesn't mean he's a master manipulator (but he might be). He could also be someone who is a complete idiot with money, but that doesn't mean that he won't end up letting you subsidise him, and it doesn't mean that he won't end up messing up your life.

He’s not who you thought he was. He sucked you in won your affections and then threw all the reality on you. If you split don’t feel guilty you’re splitting with the person you thought you knew because he didn’t really exist.

CaroleSinger · Yesterday 21:50

And now you see why there's so much shame and stigma attached to debt that people are scared to tell the truth...

this ^^

So simplistic to say leave ,he's a liar .

This is how I'm reading it too.

Of course he has been love bombing you for 18 months, he knew he had debt bomb of the massive kind to drop on you eventually.

This situation is not in your childs best interests and no matter how you try you can't change that.

Protect your child before you chose to take on fixing any man.

Listen to the podcast Love Bombed on BBC Sounds. Another Walter Mitty future faker who was so loving and caring and supportive, and ruined women's lives.

The future faking is unforgivable. He's an accomplished liar so I wouldn't trust his story about the car accident and the spending on holidays. Have you met his family? His friends? Can they back up his claims?

Bottom line - you need to put your child's safety and security first. Bringing a debt laden known liar into their life is not good parenting.

Finally someone else who picked up on the gold digger element..... she doesn't want to actually work for their lifestyle, her past was handsomely paid for, the tears and drama regarding the future stem from having to downsize on her dreams based on the new BF's affordability...

He's not perfect, neither is she...

Run. You'll be the next victim of fraud otherwise. He's a manipulative person. Open your eyes.

The guy has turned a corner for two years.

Many, Many people go through a reckless phase with money - correct that and never ever act in such a way again.

Personally I’d give him a chance.

Its not drugs, alcohol or gambling!!!

I'd be concerned that once you live together and he's got access to various documents, he could take our further loans in your name.

As PPs said, the relationship was perfect because it was fantasy. Anything is amazing when you're only talking about what you plan to do.

Please run OP. Far and fast. I can GUARANTEE you this is the mere tip of the iceberg.

The fact that your first thought was “rescue” this liar is really really worrying. That’s a strong codependent response.