Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

Other posters are right. He loved bombed you. You are refusing to see it. The person that will suffer most here is your child. You need to focus your financial resources on your child, not a man child who has manipulated you. I get that you are going to refuse to let him go (you should) but as least do not move in with him. He will reveal his true self over time and it will be a hot mess.

Honestly when are people supposed to reveal the full state of their finances in a new relationship? DH and I talked completely openly about debt/savings only when we were starting to look at mortgages together, and that was a few years into the relationship. Your partner disclosing it now, before you are talking practically about living together is a good thing, I think. Vague aspirations are not concrete plans...when on holiday we talk about buying property and relocating there - me talking to DH about how great it'd be and how I'd do the garden etc doesn't mean that either of us think it's actually going to happen.

It sounds as though he has been managing the debt since before your relationship started, so he's obviously in a better place with money than he was when he was racking it all up. And the Canadian system sounds really sensible wrt keeping debts separate. Why has he not started the 80% process alreasy though? You sound clued up and you seem to be planning individually and together how to sort this situation, him getting a lodger, etc. It also sounds as though you have already made up your mind, tbh.

Do you think that you can get past the fact that he didn't tell you though? Or will you always in the back of your mind be wondering what he isn't telling/hasn't told you? And looking back at your relationship with XH, what have you learned that is helping you to avoid being in a similar situation again?

Good luck to you.

No, don't do it. Your priority is your child. By taking him in, you could make things finacially worse for yourself and your child. You'd be stuck with him too, making him homeless if you kicked him out. I'd look into buying a flat without him.

It’s a No from me

this man is a fantasist who likes the good things in life even if it means getting into large debts and going bankrupt. Someone who is able to hide that and not take responsibility isn't trustworthy. But nope you are going to move him into your home and help him so he can pay off his debts. Funny that if you were dealing with an addict you would be telling them to make the step to sort themselves out and not enabling them. What has he actually done to change the situation?

Good luck protecting your money as this man wants a life he cant afford and hasn't yet done anything about resolving it as he buried his head in the sand. Now a wealthy nearly divorced woman is going to save him.

You need to prioritise your child here. This man will financially drag you down and you have only known him for 18 months! 18 months! He is not your responsibility, your son is. I have a feeling you will plough ahead though 🙄

To give him the benefit of the doubt, this isn't necessarily information you share immediately and it probably gets harder and harder to tell you.

You don't live together and are not financially tied (make sure you never are) so he has come clean before that stage.

For me it would now be about how these were run up and how he handles it from here. I had a lovely friend in this kind of trouble with debts run up supporting family through the most unimaginable tragedy. His new partner did help him and they got through it but his weren't gambling or being extravagant, just trying to do his best and then everything spiraling.

I'd give him chance to explain and go through things before making any decisions.

But if there's gambling or addiction issues involved you are in a whole different ball park.

Get him to phone Step Change or Christians Against Poverty, and keep him away from paid for services that appear to offer help.

I also have serious concerns as to why someone with so much debt to the point they are consider an extraordinary arrangement with creditors is keeping a five-figure sum in cash. Sounds very much like he has fraud on his mind because that's exactly what he will be committing if he doesn't declare that cash as part of the arrangement.

Yep. @LaPL, I can't believe you've simply accepted this as valid and, worse, as evidence of his new-found responsibility!

I'm thinking of all manner of ghastly things he may do to you after you've shown you'll continue swallowing his bullshit. You don't have to give him money, he can extract and extort in all sorts of ways.

You don't owe anyone a relationship. You don't need 'reasons' like he's a bad person or a criminal, whatever. It's perfectly reasonable to accept that you've been wafted away on a cloud of fantasy, have come back to earth, and you ain't sharing your life with people who lie to you.

If in Canada your finances can be kept separate then maybe you can give him some time to try and sort himself out. I believe in giving people a chance. But it's you who has to take the decision whether to keep the commitment going. Depends on your outlook, to him, to the economy, to your personal position/career and your feelings about his ability to be a good dad to your son. I expect if we saw a man discussing being in a similar position we would see him as mercenary or cold-hearted and I don't know if it's having a child in the frame that would cancel that view. Sorry I can't be much help here. All the best :)

Walter Mitty. Do not get entangled up with this financial mess, for your child’s sake.

Why were you looking towards a bloke to sort out your housing? You are responsible for you and your daughter, not him.

But if there's gambling or addiction issues involved you are in a whole different ball park.Get him to phone Step Change or Christians Against Poverty, and keep him away from paid for services that appear to offer help.

@Calmdown14 Why don't people read the thread?
They are in Canada so Step Change isn't going to work.
The OP has already said how the debts occurred- lots of holidays.

It's not the debt, it's the lies.
Run.

This.

Dump him.

A partner who has lied to you (big time) is neither "amazing" or "loving." 🤷‍♀️

now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit.

You need to read about people who act as 'Rescuers' in relationships.

Rescuer (Tool). The rescuer connects their self worth to being needed and taking care of others. They over function taking on things they perceive as helpful to their partner or that they think their partner ‘needs’ to be happy

I think you need help with your own self worth and should think about some counselling. You have already left an abusive marriage and yet now, you are about to put yourself in a position with a man who also has 'issues'.

There are lovely men out there who do not have issues.

He's lied and lied and lied to you OP. How can you think someone who has done that will be a great husband and father? How could you ever trust him knowing that he will happily lead a complete fantasy life, pretending all sorts of things so that he can keep you - until he thinks you're in deep enough that he can keep you no matter what. You've been lied to and manipulated, you're a pawn that he's played OP.

He hasn't been living within his means for the last 2 years. He has been spending money that he should have been using to contribute towards fixing his debt problem to pay for his lifestyle with you.

1. He hasn’t been living within his means. Cheaper apartment & a more frugal life & he could have paid off some of the debt.
2. As above, he isn’t actively managing his debt, he’s going to get the government (and you) to bail him out.
3. Think back to what your ex was like when you first met him. I bet he didn’t start with the abusive behaviour until he’d got you hooked either.
4. This guy lied to you every time he charmingly said ‘Let me get this bill’, he was lying that he could afford it, just so he could worm his way in to your life.

As previous posters have said, don’t let him move in. He’s cleverly manoeuvred you in to feeling callous if you dump him ‘because he’s fallen on hard times’ - making you feel you have to prove you weren’t just with him for his money.

Reality check - the hard times were too many scuba diving holidays (by himself or impressing a previous girlfriend?).

If you don’t want to break up completely, then stop making plans to move in together for the next 5 years. Take the time to get to know each other without the glitz of plenty of money. See if he does actively manage the debt by reducing his outgoings - just make sure this isn’t adding expenses to you & your child.

Above all, take the time to breathe, don’t try & rush in to rescue him. Also encourage him to tell his parents & family, otherwise it will be your money that is propping up the facade of a successful son.

@SquirrelSoShiny exactly that.

it’s all a goat rodeo but the further thought is: never married, lives in a tiny apartment, no kids of his own. How the F do you get SIX FIGURES of debt?
drugs?
gambling?
Escorts?

it beggars belief. Run don’t walk. The debt is a RESULT of a much bigger and worse problem!

I expect if we saw a man discussing being in a similar position we would see him as mercenary or cold-hearted

You're joking?! Men get 'romance scammed' as often as women do, and for similar reasons - they're desperate to be loved, to prove they're good people, to live the fairytale. Nobody here would encourage a male poster to continue their relationship with a woman who'd been bullshitting him for 18 solid months while having nonsensical financial issues. In fact, about a third of these posts are leaping to the wanker's defence - because women are quick to overlook massive flaws in men.

He has $65,000 saved yet not paid a penny to his debts? sounds more like he doesn't want to pay.
Get rid.

A good person doesn't not have secret debt

My DH was my best friend for years (both had a soft spot for one another but never spoke about it/always the wrong time) and when I had a bad break up with my abusive ex who left me with lots of his debts (took out loans, CCs etc in my name as he had bad credit). We got closer and confessed our feelings one night. My DH bailed me out (he insisted) and I paid him back slowly.

We have since travelled the world, got married, had a child, bought a house and looking at a second home to rent out.

If he's really worth it to you, it could be the best decision you have ever made by supporting him. But only if you're sure.

I'm so glad my DH helped me. He looked past the financial burden and we are genuinely so happy.

He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice.

Well this is all bollocks isn't it? He's been lying to you since the very first day you met. Every single interaction you've ever had with him has been dishonest. He took away your ability to make healthy, accurately informed decisions for yourself and your child.

So he does NOT have a heart of gold, he is NOT supportive, he is NOT loving, he is NOT trustworthy and he is definitely NOT a person anyone should go to for advice.

That is the true picture and that you are refusing to see it means you are now lying to yourself. You and your child deserve better.

End it. End it right now. Do not entangle your life any further with someone who has ruthlessly lied to you every single day you have known them.

He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice.