Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

It absolutely insane that you are supporting his decision to go on this elaborate holiday. He lies straight to your face for 18 months and you're basically rewarding him. He's been future faking you this whole time and you keep defending him. Unbelievable.

It's not living within his means if he is ignoring the big debt and spending money on holidays and entertainment. He's never lived within his means.

the debts reduction program with the government (so they would reduce the debts to let's say 35k or 39k) and you have 5 years to pay.

I seriously doubt it's as easy as he's making out.
He sounds like a reasonably high earner, there is little likelihood that he can just apply to have 80% of his debt written off because he doesn't feel like repaying the total.

$500 a month to repay $120k is a joke.

Exactly. He doesn't know the meaning of the phrase living within your means.

However, in the past 2 years he has been living within his means. Owning one credit card, paying it off regularly and in full,

He is not living within his means.
He is paying his monthly living expenses bill to his credit card company, which has jack-all to do with the $120k debt he has accrued.

Your wishful thinking is starting to cross over into delusional territory OP. I am sorry at how harsh that sounds, but you are insisting on viewing this 19-month deception as a one-off "mistake".

It's not a mistake, it's a major character flaw.
he led you up the garden path with talk of marriage & house purchase, then he shat on you. Just like he reckons (or is trying to make you believe) that he can shit on the taxpayer for 80% of the debt he ran up going on luxury holidays.

I think he could be a scam artist...

we have a booked and paid for vacation in Europe end of June
However, in the past 2 years he has been living within his means.

No, he has substantial debts which he is doing nothing to pay off. Meantime he is gadding around on expensive vacations and promising you the moon. He has learned nothing and you are delusional.

Next stop, another kid or few, lose everything you own, return to Mumsnet pleading for more advice to ignore. There's just no helping some people 🤷‍♀️

I am not rewarding him. We booked this vacation months ago, I didn't know back then.

I see it more this way:

1. He recklessly lived the good life in previous years, going on crazy expensive diving trips in Indonesia, ski trips and all of that.
2. He tried to repay his credit cards and open one credit card after the other to pay the previous one until the situation got out of control.
3. He stop paying all together and eventually those debts were considered a loss from the bank and written off (sold to collectors)
4. In the past two years, he managed to never open another credit card (well he couldn't with that credit score), he had a roommate who recently moved out, so he was able to sustain his lifestyle, in a more normal way, with just his income, paying half rent (because of the roommate) and never saving money.
5. Now, he realized he is forced to face reality otherwise he will be alone forever, so he wants to act and resolve these issues.
6. Maybe I just tell me, call me when you turn 50 and we'll see where you are at.

Good God, why am I so unlucky with relationships?

Good God, why am I so unlucky with relationships?

Because your boundaries are hopelessly skewed & you ignore red flags.

Hey, your comment is mean and completely unnecessary. You know nothing about me. And yet, you think I am an idiot.
I am an educated woman, I have a good job and I have one child and I have no intention of having another one, I have no intention of giving away my money to anyone (ANYONE, not even my mom if she asks) as my #1 priority is protecting my child and myself. My child has a government protected fund for his education that my ex and I started when he was born and he will have over $50k to pay for university when the times comes. I am NOT an idiot, I would never in a million years lose everything to love, that was NEVER the question here.
I am just trying to unpack this situation I recently discovered, that's all.

If you all think I was going to give him my money to help him out, you should think again. If anything, now I would protect my finances even more and start saving even more.

All of that can and will change when you jointly own a home with him. Or marry him. Or have a child with him. You don't understand how grooming works. Or how entangled you already are. Or how abnormal and unhealthy your responses already are. It will only get worse. I can see this, so I say it, clearly and directly.

Good God, why am I so unlucky with relationships?
You are not unlucky. You make bad choices, then refuse to take responsibility for having done so. You are doing it right now.

OP, there are many very strong minded people here who feel (rightly or wrongly) that they absolutely know what is best for you. It's incredibly easy behind an anonymous screen to say all sorts of things, and you've had the advice so now it's over to you. You really don't need to justify yourself to randoms on the internet. Take a step back, weigh it all up, and whatever you do about this man, I wish you well.

It's precisely because you are an educated woman you can't bring yourself to face you have been had op..

OP I think you’re determined to stay with this guy whatever anyone says and I don’t think that whatever anyone says that you are going to change your mind.
You are already planning to still be with him at the end of June, so that’s at least the next four months spoken for.
When you first posted I could perhaps see a glimmer of hope but having read all your answers on here, and realising his total disregard for his debt, I agree you are crazy to stay with him.
You speak of his debt as thought it has no enormity because it will be reduced, but he has cheated endless companies out of money, he has scammed holiday firms for free luxury holidays, he has no doubt scammed endless retailers out of goods he has no intention of paying for, he is no better than a common thief who has scammed over £100.000. and he has no intention of paying it, instead he is flying off for another holiday in Europe. It beggars belief really, there are genuine people scraping every penny they have to pay of debt they’ve accrued just by trying to make ends meet, and people like him swan around the world without a care!
….and you want to accompany him.

@Stravaig Do you not think your recent comments are patronising? This is a woman aged almost 40.

She is not being groomed.

(And don't bother to say 40 year olds can still be groomed.)

I've seen a lot of your comments here and you think your opinions are facts.

They are not. They are subjective opinions. It's your 'take' on what you read.

Isn't that the great joy and beauty of Mumsnet? A diversity of life experiences, perspectives and opinions.

& your assertion that OP is not being groomed is only an opinion too.

Love bombing & future faking is definitely grooming behaviour.

OP reading your update, I would cancel the holiday.
It makes no sense, either financially or emotionally.

You have known him for 18 months.

What else do you know about his life before you?

Why has he got to 40+ and still rents despite earning a good salary?
What about his previous relationship history?

Do you even know about that- the truth?

Because unless he wasn't dating at all, there must be other women who were with him when he was spending wildly. I wonder if they knew the truth?

Does it not concern you that an intelligent man aged 40+ can accumulate debt like this simply because he likes expensive holidays?

The guy's clearly got issues but I don't think grooming is one of them.

Honestly the way some people on here are acting is ridiculous.

The guy made some financial mistakes some people are acting worse than they would when offering advice regarding much worse matters on here!

Talk about going overboard

The op has said they’ve got time to commit and he been sensible for the last two years so the guy deserves a chance

id love an update in two years op!

That's possibly because you don;t understand what grooming is?
https://theconversation.com/grooming-an-expert-explains-what-it-is-and-how-to-identify-it-181573

The guy made some financial mistakes

The guy ran up a $120k which he has never made any effort to repay, is still booking expensive holidays, reckons he can saddle the Canadian taxpayer with 80% of his debt, (he;s deluded there I think) & lied to OP for 18 months about buying a house with her, getting married, living the good life together.

That's not a mistake, it's conman-levels of deceit @Quitelikeit

Wow. Your standards are so low they're actually under the floor.

I would take some time out if the relationship OP and really think about all of this

He has shown you that he can be irresponsible and a liar, two traits that are not good in a serious relationship . Yes people make mistakes, we all have, but he should have been honest with you from the start so that you were able to decide what you wanted to do

If he had been honest from the start and curbed his spending then thus was a person who was owning his shit, he didn't do this, instead he let you plan a life that couldn't happen

I know it's hard when you care about someone and you thought all your dreams had came true but you need to face reality here, take some breathing space

I really hope everything works out for you and your wee one

He’s had this debt for a while, and only because it all came to light, he makes all these plans. It’s an extrinsic factor that pushed him.

Now, if he was really taking responsibility, he would have dealt with it ages ago. Those plans should heave started when he first started spiralling. Instead, he got a roommate who in effect funded his usual reckless lifestyle.

I had a partner who came clean, promised all the things your partner does. Including counselling. He made sure I knew who the counsellor was, what day and time his sessions were. Turns out he went twice, then stopped, and used the money on more crap. We had a final joint session in which the counsellor reinforced my theory: he did it because he was pushed, not because he really wanted to deal with the issue.

I’m a random woman on the internet. You have no way of verifying who I am, I’ve never walked in your shoes, heck, never even been to Canada 😂. It might be different out there. But the chances are we’re all telling you to run and reinforce your shark cage because we’ve been blinded before. And because we wasted our time. Not because we don’t want you to be happy, or that we get our kicks by messing with your head.
I wish you well.
And leave the sunken fallacy where is is, sunken.