Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

@AIBUNoNo I didn't say it was premeditated. I said there's no way you can fake it for so long, if you really are just a honest guy who got into a financial mess. You just can't fake it for 18 months, giving such false hopes to a woman and to her child.

Based on his behaviour in the past year, I doubt it he was waiting for me to pay for his debts. He knew he needed to tell me, but he was so afraid of me walking away that he hasn't had the courage to tell me. He never asked me about my own finances, he NEVER asked me how much I make at my job, he always encouraged me to find the job I loved, no matter the salary.
Never greedy, never attached to money in any way. He never got me expensive presents to lure me into believing he was prince charming. He did nice things for me, like flowers on mothers day, a birthday dinner, he helped me when I had covid with delivering groceries and normal things like that. He never pushed me to move in, I never felt I was his sugar mama or anything.

We had a equal relationship regarding money, felt very mature. One dinner out I was paying, the next he was.

He is aware this problem is his own only, he said "I am shocked you are not walking away immediately, what I did was cruel".

His plan is to file all his taxes and he has the money saved to pay for them first.
Then, tell his parents for accountability, possibly finding this deal with the consumer proposal and start paying off the debts every months, possibly for 5 years, but at a manageable amount (like $500/month).
He wants to start financial counselling + individual therapy.
He wants to keep living in his apartment and get a roommate to help with rent, then in 6 months from now, if I still feel like, we might revisit our relationship and what we want to do.
He want to regain my trust by demonstrating he can be responsible.

I am hurt, but all the above is honestly all he can do to have a remote shot at repairing his life.

Let him do what he wants to do then op. Don't step in and try and 'save' him.

@SpidersAreShitheads

Firstly, i apologise as my earlier post was very judgy and unnecessary.

Maybe I'm coming from this from the standpoint of my ex who opened up a few months in that he had some credit card debt that he needed to get a grip of (it was about £3k if I recall so a world of difference from the OP) and I appreciated the openness which was in tune with how our relationship was progressing. I helped him sort it (support not a bail out) and the reason we split 20 years later was nothing to do with money.

You're right though that I wouldn't expect to know every detail, (even when married!) but I would expect to know important details that matched the seriousness of the relationship. In the OP's case, disclosure by her DP of his financial situation was absolutely called for WELL in advance of when he did so given the seriousness of their relationship.

Someone does not get in that type of debt with no personal responsibilities. There is some type of addictive behavior in his life. You need to get far away.

18 months is a long time to keep something that big from someone. Lucky escape from someone whi can't be trusted. He's already said that he expects you to dump him. If you don't, he'll walk all over you forever because you'll basically be letting yourself be his doormat.

Let him do as he says he wants. Pay his taxes, tell his parents, live in his flat and get a lodger. That gives you six months of not thinking every day that this might be the day it's sorted. You have time to think what you want and he has time to prove himself (or not). For you time stands still, while he has to spend every day working at making his situation a LOT better. What he does will determine what happens at the end of the six months.

But I'd make it a condition that at the end of the six months you again see all his bank statements and his credit score. Don't give him chance to lie again.

I'm just doing the maths here. With a consumer proposal you have a maximum of about five years to pay off the debt.

He is proposing $500 per month on a debt of about $120k, so each year for the next five years he will pay off around $6000 per year, which will amount to about $30,000 in five years time.

Will the consumer proposal then wipe off the outstanding $90,000 that he will still owe??

This is the first thing you need to be looking at before you make any big decisions.

You say you didn't say it was premeditated. Well, look at how you explained yourself. 'Lovebombed' and 'saw you as a cash cow'. If someone sees another person as a 'cash cow' that suggests the thought came into their heads pretty fast.

People can be 'really honest' but find themselves in situations where they behave differently. It is quite easy to withhold information on the basis that a) they think the relationship isn't necessarily going to last or b) they are waiting for the right moment to come clean.

@LaPL Based on your update, I'd walk away for a good while and let him sort his life out. 6 months is not long enough to get to grips with that debt.
One thing that worries me is that he's not explained why he kept having the holidays and the fancy hotels, even when he knew he was in debt. (If that's what is was and there are not other things he's not told you about.)

It suggests he is a fantasist, trying to live a certain lifestyle, outside his means. Why would anyone keep repeating that behaviour and dragging themselves further into debt?

He's also fantasised with you about the life you could have, but not based on reality.

I'd want to know where this behaviour has come from, the type of friends he has, if they know, if he has felt the need to keep up with them, in his spending.

It's all very well him saying he will pay off his debts - great- let him do that. But what personality issues are there that may arise again in the future?

I'd be very wary of this kind of man, not just because of the lies (I can understand that) but if he has real psychological issues.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities.

I'd be a little wary of a man in his early 40s who'd not been married or in a long-term relationship at some point.

Maybe he was?

I know some people settle down later in life BUT given what's happened now with you, I'd be asking if broken relationships/ no relationships are a consequence of his behaviour in the past.

This guy has voluntarily opened up and disclosed full details of his finances only 18m into a relationship. And he has a plan to get it paid off, and he's currently got it all under control.

He doesn't have a plan, & he hasn't repaid a cent.

Also, I take your point about not disclosing financials in a relationship that you're taking slowly. But OP & her partner weren't taking things slowly. They were choosing & getting excited about wedding venues, houses, sharing a life together & having a good lifestyle.

He knew damn well that none of those things were possible, but kept lying to OP that he was committed to her, & their shared plans.

apologies that last post was to @SpidersAreShitheads

I’ve said before I think the big reveal is to end the relationship. This persuades me it is:

He is aware this problem is his own only, he said "I am shocked you are not walking away immediately, what I did was cruel".

He’s shocked you’re not walking away because he thought this would get rid of you.

My guess is that for him you weren’t 100% available due to your divorce, so he was free to have a great relationship with no pressure - love bomb and future fake away - and as soon as you want commitment he reveals a fact he thinks you will ditch him for.

When you won’t he then says he will get a flatmate for 6 months - which distances himself from the relationship - it’s not likely to be a year anyway.
And all the “rebuilding trust shenanigan” is more distance, so he doesn’t have to be 100% committed. And all he needs to do to end this is fail to meet some of your terms and it’s over.

He might stick around for a while because he’s now got the perfect get out clause. But for how long…

This isn't just a couple of mistakes. This is, as you have acknowledged, a prolonged history of faking everything to you and his family, day after day.

When it turns out that someone I thought I loved has been lying to me for months, yes I should shut the door and leave. I would never be able to trust him again.

Why does he plan to pay debts at $500 a month when he has $20,000 saved up and has just had a salary rise?

He wants to keep living in his apartment and get a roommate to help with rent, then in 6 months from now, if I still feel like, we might revisit our relationship and what we want to do.

So is he now suggesting you have a break OP and rethink in six months, or are you still going to carry on seeing each other?

Yep. But the OP ain’t listening.

The debt repayment plan + flatmate + rebuilding trust is simply getting him the distance he wants.

He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

Kindly, @LaPL I think you have been a bit blind.

Yes, his plan was to buy a house. Most adults in their 40s would have that goal. (question is, how did he get to 40+ and not achieve it?) It's what adults talk about but it doesn't mean anything until they can find the cash.

We will have the life we want and deserve

What exactly does that mean? Anyone could say that, but unless it's backed up by sound finances, it's codswallop.

You have admitted here that you can't afford to buy on your own in the city. So it shows you were willing to listen to anyone saying they would help you get that (with them.) If you already owned a home you might have been less eager.

He wanted to move in and marry you but he just needed time to think it through.

Sorry but that's the sort of thing my boyfriends said to me when I was 18. Along the lines of 'I am really committed but I just need to think it through...' then they dumped me.

What he meant was that by moving in he'd have to come clean about his circumsances. Meanwhile he kept you hanging on.

I don't believe he love bombed you.
I do think that he may have made a super effort to be 'nice' as he was hiding a secret and this attention was your compensation. Not consciously perhaps, but that's how it came over.

He hasn't behaved well, but I think you need to take some share in this.
You'd been treated badly before, so he seemed like the knight on a white horse, coming to your rescue and enabling you to have a home of your own as well as everything else.

After 18 months, as adults around 40, it's reasonable to make a decision over marrying. But the fact he needed to think ought to have rung alarm bells.

He wants to keep dating the way we are dating now, seeing each other 3/4 days a week, spending weekends together, we have a booked and paid for vacation in Europe end of June, and in the meantime, he starts repaying his debts - when I said $500/$600 a month, I meant after the debts reduction program with the government (so they would reduce the debts to let's say 35k or 39k) and you have 5 years to pay. You can give lump sums if you have them, reducing the term of this agreement to repay.
Seems like a dream for people with debts, reality is that the record remains public for years and your credit score will be low for years (like 7 maybe) - which will affect your ability to get a loan, a mortgage, a new car etc.

So he's still booking holidays even though he's in a mass amount of debt? And how much did that cost him?

The guy's a fantasist op. He'll never stop living beyond his means. Not until he's in jail or some poor, daft gf bails him out. Don't let it be you.

@LaPL are you serious ? This man owns people over a hundred thousand dollars so he’s booking a holiday to Europe ( from Canada)!

Thats definitely the actions of a man who is serious about clearing his debt and tuning over a new leaf .

Yeh sorry but I think it says a lot about his morals and the kind of person he is that he has spent all this money on treats for himself, and is still spending money treating himself with no intention of paying it back. He's quite happy for 'the government' (taxpayers) to foot the bill for his luxury holidays, while he's not making any concessions to his lifestyle. And yes his credit rating will be low for a while, but that's fine as he's built up savings and not paying back his loans. Plus 7 years is nothing compared to how long he would have to wait to afford a mortgage etc if he actually had to pay back what he's spent. What a crazy system!

He does need to knuckle down and scale back on the holidays and restaurants.

There are a lot of people on these boards who lived like paupers for a few years to clear debt or save a deposit for a house!

Yes, he has accumulated a massive amount of debts (mostly interests at this point).
However, in the past 2 years he has been living within his means. Owning one credit card, paying it off regularly and in full, paying rent, and spending the rest of his income on food and entertainment. This is not impossible to do, with a $4,000/$4,500 a month salary and without saving much. Also, we shared the cost of the vacations.
He has been ignoring the other big debt, that yes.