Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

OP you’re assuming he is being honest about his dishonesty. He may well be lying about the extent of his lies.

He says he’s been responsible for the past 2 years but the data you give here belies that.

The line any sensible person would take is that anything that comes out of his mouth going forward is potentially false.

Is this the same pattern as your abusive relationship? That he lovebombed you from the start and when you began to see the abuse you were too invested to to leave immediately? Did you want to “understand better” and “want to help him get out of this hole.”?

Xpost, snap!

When someone confesses to being a liar everything is on the table as a lie.

Sorry if I missed it, but what is he doing about his debts? You say he's living within his means now. But what is he doing about paying back the people he's taken money from? You've said that your idea is to move in together and for you both to be able to save more/pay off more. But what are his suggestions and plans? Take in a lodger for 6months? Is that it? He's considering bankruptcy, but not actually done anything about it for the last couple of years?

Good god, listened to that Love bombing podcast on BBC sounds recommended up thread. Crickey!!! That man was a narcissist in it’s truest form. Do listen if you get a chance.

I'm listening now too. Absolutely chilling

I’m very hurt and still pondering, it’s just feel wrong leaving someone you love, who is struggling with mental health and money problems and who is actively seeking help.

Well yeah that’s why he framed it the way he did.

Many if not most people who suffer from depression do not rack up huge debts as a result. It’s a non sequitur. You only have his word that the trigger for his spending was depression, and he’s a liar.

The broken bird shtick is the hook. First be lured you in by mirroring what you wanted to see, then he changed the narrative to compulsive spending caused by “health problems”, which keeps you hooked.

You always have the option of being honest with yourself that you’ve backed another loser.

Have you considered that he could be making up the debt? Sounds crazy but hear me out……… Could he be making it up so that you allow him to move into your home rent and bill free, so that he can keep all of his salary for himself, pretending to be paying off a massive debt, so that you can have a happy future together? It could be a massive con. He could have been lovebombing you this whole time, knowing that you are comfortably off, recently out of a long marriage, perhaps a little naive (sorry, please don’t take that the wrong way) and easy to trick into thinking he is the perfect partner and going to marry you and have this wonderful life together. He might marry you just to get a claim on half of everything you own. Have you met his family and friends? Do you know everything about his life before you met? Do you spend a lot of time together or is he often absent?
Sorry if it’s been suggested already, I didn’t read the whole thread.

I would never, in a million years, give him my money to pay for his mistakes. I would never share my savings with him. I am just deciding if I have to walk away and risk he does something even more stupid or if I stick by his side (although separately) and I make sure he's resolving his issues.

no to all of this. Firstly, I would never offer him to live rent and bill free. If we move in together, his entire income has to go into a checking account I have full access to. The second he doesn't do that, he's out of my life. I would control his finances like crazy. I would just the the one in charge for a while, until the trust is back.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who lied to me about something significant. This is not a good sign

Holy crap on a cracker. Move him into your home? Are you...are you sniffing glue?

Just when you think people can't be more naive...

If you subsidise his living expenses you are giving him money to pay for hist mistakes

So you'd have two children instead of one? how is that attractive?

And heads up, the spending beyond his means on flashy holidays ect... narcissists do that. Normal people don't. It's straight up 'I need to have the best and be seen to have it' territory.

So when you move him in and make his life easy so he can clear his debt, think again if you think that he won't piss away money again.

You'd never be able to marry him because then your assets would never be safe. And now you know this. So don't try to hide from it.l and think it'll go away. Because that'll mess up your life. He will mess up your life.

He's a lost cause. Call it a day.
Women are not rehab facilities for damaged men with damaged lives and habits.

Do you really not see the red flags that you are even considering controlling the finances of another adult? Does that seem healthy to you?
Why do you want to be in another unhealthy relationship?

You say the hook here is love but it’s not it’s just fear and neediness.

For many people who take control of a feckless partner’s finances - the trust returns and once the partner gets free rein again, they just do the same thing again. Once you living together it will be much easier for him to take our loans in your name. We already know he can lie to you without you’re being aware it’s a lie, so he will have no problem gulling you next time.

Why would you even consider jeopardising your child’s security by moving a man in with so many problems? Is this the male role model you want for your child?

Leave him. Any money you share with him, you are diverting away for your DC. Don't do that to your DC.

I am just deciding if I have to walk away and risk he does something even more stupid or if I stick by his side (although separately) and I make sure he's resolving his issues.

What are you talking about?? Did he manage to trick you into believing that if you leave him, he'll become suicidal or fall into deeper depression and get into even more financial trouble?? You are not responsible in any way for his mental health and financial health! You aren't his mother, wife, doctor or financial adviser. You are only responsible for your child, your own mental health and your own financial health. ”Sticking by his side” can only mean financial ruin for you and a hellish life for you and your child. Can"t you see it?

If he does something stupid it’s not your responsibility.

Why is it your business OP if he’s resolving his issues? This is extremely ooor boundaries. It’s nothing to do with you.

He's a future faker @LaPL .

And claiming/implying he might kill himself is really manipulative.

You could find a man who is definitely capable of giving you the future you want, and already in the right place financially to do it.

And one that hasn't lied to you extremely.

He still hasn't got his priorities right if he's got quite a bit of savings and hasn't used at least some of them to pay off his debt.

Depression makes a few people spend, but not most. And it takes a long time to build up over 100,000 of debt; that isn't just someone going through a rough time. I don't know how that's even possible for the average person. He's put a lot of efford into that for a long period of time. That's not someone going through a difficult phase, that's someone who has a personality to do that long term.

LaPL

Look I know it seems that we're all (well nearly all) laying into you, being pretty harsh and firm, and I can see you're understandably becoming more defensive of a man you love.

We're just a bunch of vipers on a website, most of us aren't even on the same continent as you. So why would you pay any attention to us. Well first of all - you asked our opinion - why would you ask if there wasn't some small part of you unsure about what to do. Second many of us have either had debt problems ourselves or loved someone who has - we have that lived experience, which is presumably why you asked.

The only thing we can't do is look you in the eye and say please for the sake of your child, for the sake of your future mental health and for the sake of your long term financial health - don't move him in. Live separately from this man, find out more about this man, seek out independent information about his financial position - there must be debt advice services in Canada - approach one and pitch your DP's position to them and see what they say.

I would also seek out support for yourself - you're barely out of one abusive relationship and you're diving into another relationship. You need to do some work for yourself, you need space to do that. We have a programme in the UK called the Freedom programme runs a a charity called Women's Aid - I'd be surprised if Canada doesn't have something similar.

I am just deciding if I have to walk away and risk he does something even more stupid or if I stick by his side (although separately) and I make sure he's resolving his issues.

Say what now? When did his behaviour become your responsibility? Why is it up to you to make sure he resolves his issues? Why is it your problem if he does something stupid after you leave him? That would be his decision and his action. To echo PP, you can't fix him. It's not your job to fix him and you need to ask why you think it is.

My bestie/ex partner had some debt years ago @LaPL , as he has kidney failure and hasn't been able to work for decades but he got the debt when companies were letting anyone have credit even those that couldn't really afford it.

He had a normal amount not uncommon for normal people that got in a bit of debt due to firms being shady in the past- maybe about £8-10,000. He got a repayment plan and paid it off over a couple of years, and now his credit rating's great.

IDK how most people could even get the amount of debt your liar has.

And no I'm not laying into you, but just advising you against him. You/any woman can do so much better. Please get rid of him. You can't trust him, both in what he says and not to get himself into debt again if he ever pays this one off, which would effect you if you tied your life up with his.

or if I stick by his side (although separately) and I make sure he's resolving his issues.

You're not his mum OP.

I would never, in a million years, give him my money to pay for his mistakes.
Perhaps not directly, but by assuming rent & bills costs for him when he tells you how he is struggling with debt repayments (assuming her ever starts repaying). By paying for the lion's share of entertainment, meals out, holidays, food ...

I would never share my savings with him. I am just deciding if I have to walk away and risk he does something even more stupid
You are not, & will not be, responsible for any forther stupidity he indulges himself in.
or if I stick by his side (although separately) and I make sure he's resolving his issues.
NO.
He has to resolve his issues.
You should not be looking to do it for him.

You are already sounding enmeshed & co-dependent.
How would you ever trust a word he tells you, or be sure that he hasn't taken out new credit cars, loans, overdrafts?

For gods sake get rid I'm surprised you even have to ask!