Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

Yes cormorant, it is.

The unedifying logic of your exaggeration is that the converse is "consent by proven wealth", & I don't believe OP would like to be viewed as a prostitute.

@LaPL

Well, the first thing you need to think about is how having this untrustworthy person moving in might affect your spousal support. Many agreements end upon remarriage OR cohabitation. And frankly, if I were your exH I'd be a bit miffed if you moved a man in whilst I was still contributing towards your income and I might consider going back to court, if that were possible.

And where is your child in all of this? You seem to be oh so concerned about this man, but is it really the right time for your child to be moving someone into 'his' house? And don't say 'oh, he loves him!', because there is a difference between liking having someone around and living with them. You say this man has no children, you'd best be damned sure that he understands what he's taking on, too. Living with a child 'with no escape' is much harder than spending time with them (even lots of time) when you know you have your own place to 'retreat to'. And perhaps your child isn't ready to 'share you' 24/7/365.

As far as the 'financials', you'd be a damned fool to take on someone with such terrible debt, via marriage or cohabitation. Yes, yes I understand about pre-marital debt, I live in a similar community property state in the US. But his credit rating WILL affect you when it comes to any joint purchases. And once he's in your home, it may be hard to get him out if when he doesn't live up to his promises. And what will happen if he suddenly faces an unexpected expense or the cost of living increases and can't meet his share of the bills or his debt repayment can't be met? Suddenly you will find yourself paying more than your fair share or actually paying part of his debt repayment.

And I know you won't like this, but you seriously need to consider that he's 'love bombed' you and is setting you up for him to be a cocklodger. And HE IS A LIAR and there is no excuse for deceiving someone you supposedly care about. He felt perfectly fine about lying to you for 2 whole years. That's a LOT of lies!! An honest and truly loving person would have been truthful from day one. They would want the best for the person they love, and if that meant saying goodbye because that person felt they didn't want to take on the debt, they'd say 'so be it' because they would want that person to be happy. They wouldn't lie until they knew the person was so emotionally involved that they could see straight. And you are NOT seeing straight!

He needs to stay where he is and file bankruptcy, and you need to tell him that. If you've already mentioned this crazy plan to him, see what his reaction is when you do. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes over all 'hurt and disappointed' when he should be accepting and understanding of your decision.

And whatever else you do, please be very conscientious of your contraception!

Don’t think it’s really a contortion to reckon that we, complete strangers, can’t talk with absolute conviction.

I don’t really give a shit either way. Just trying to introduce a bit of critical thinking 😀

Surely it's possible when your settlement comes through?

now, thanks to my abusive ex, I had two houses, good savings, pension and a downpayment for a home.

You have come through a terrible relationship and just when you get to the good part, this almost feels like self-sabotaging behaviour.

I'm not sure if there is a Canadian equivalent of the Freedom Programme but as you met this guy just 18 months after the end of an abusive marriage, it is an ideal time to reset your approach to relationships and break old patterns.

Because rushing you and your very young DD into something that is built on a lie is so horribly risky. I think you both deserve better.

So please slam the brakes on. And keep them on for as long as it takes to get a really clear view of the reality what this relationship will bring to your lives.

You might have to let us know when that critical thinking begins 7eleven.

Uncritical thinking in this case.

Be very careful OP as he might not be as nice as he seems. I really hope I'm wrong and he's not manipulating you into paying off his debts and sorting out his finances. Speaking as someone who trusted a man far too much and that cost me and my kids very dearly. Be wary for you and your kids sake.

Gambler? Cant be saved, save yourself. Be thankful he's told you the truth, if that's what it is. But no, he is not your future.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu The unedifying logic of your exaggeration is that the converse is "consent by proven wealth", & I don't believe OP would like to be viewed as a prostitute.
No, I think you are mistaken
There are many reasons for affection/friendship leading to a relationship not only proven wealth.
The OP is very upset about a prolonged complicated web of lies that she has discovered. There is nothing to suspect that had she known he was poor she would not have started the friendship.
In prostitution, ability to pay is the only criterion.

I met everyone in his family, cousins included. He never admitted his problem to anyone, out of shame and out of fear people will look at him differently. I met and I am close to his entire family, his mom was a single mom two, raising two boys by herself.
he knew obviously he had this huge issue, he never disclosed it to anyone before and he was struggling to deal with it because it was bigger than him.
it’s not an excuse, it’s reckless behaviour and not being a responsible person. I know.

Don't ever marry this man. Move him in if you must but keep all finances separate and make him pay half of everything. Do not take money away from your child to subsidise or give to this man ever, he's broken that trust. I bet you give in but you'll live to regret it.

All the time talking, dreaming, planning, was a lie.

You need to let that sink in.

Don't move in with him. He will drag you down financially.

You might be the reason he gets back on the straight and narrow but it will take a while and you need to be sure.

He did well by making you fall in love and spinning a web of lies for this long to have you attached to him and of course now you feel like after this act you owe him- this is what he expected to happen. He knew you would not trust him straight away and that he had to built up your trust, which would take a while. And it worked.

@LaPL
With the greatest respect, you have been given the advice you asked for. Universally people are saying to walk away. It maybe hard, but under the circumstances it's the right thing for you to do short and long term.

All the things you spoke about / dreamed about with him will NEVER EVER happen. It's a pipe dream. He cannot afford it so your situation will never be equal.

At the end of the day, do want you want to do but you have been warned. If you ignore the advise more fool you.

It’s only 70k worth of debt you guys are acting like he’s a murder or worse

So he didn’t tell her about it?! Yes wrong but the guy seems to have a lot going for him!!

what about the hundreds of thousand of people in this country who use stepchange etc every day for their debts should there partners leave them too?!?!

Run. Run far away in the opposite direction. Nothing you are saying convinces me he's worth it. Even the title of this thread is wrong ...he is most definitely not amazing. I'm so sorry OP but he doesnt seem like a good man. You will get dragged down by him.

I mean you can still have hopes and dreams even in debt

he has savings op said?

is he going to use these to pay down the debt?

Get your trainers on and run ! This man will never be honest with you about money and at some point you will end up bailing him out . You do not want his debtors at your door. If he wants to prove himself them he needs to show you that he is dealing with it himself, moving in with you is not the answer.

This is not someone I'd continue with. He's not reliable.

Sexually transmitted debt, and all that.

Many people have terrible things happen to them, but they don't lapse in 6 figure debts - that's HUNDREDS of thousands of pounds. More than my mortgage.

It's only 18 months of deliberate lies.
It's only 18 months of callous future faking & lovebombing.
It's only hoarding $20k in cash while refusing to repay his $120k debts.

What about the hundreds of thousands of people who lie for decades?
Sure, THAT makes everything just peachy.

Because future fakers are NEVER conmen who are after a divorcee's 2 houses, pension, & lump sum for a house deposit, are they?

Wake up and smell the coffee

I would do two things immediately OP, which should give you a good idea of where you stand. First go through the list below regarding the consumer proposal he's going to get. Does it tally with what he's told you?

Secondly, seek legal advice about what you can do to protect yourself financially if you do decide to stick with him. It looks like you won't be able to get any sort of loan with him for at least six years though.

Disadvantages:
• It’s not a private matter. A consumer proposal is filed as a permanent public record and is included on an online searchable database.
• There are many costs associated with consumer proposals. They usually take longer than filing for bankruptcy, and they impact your credit for roughly the same length of time as bankruptcy
• The Court must approve it.
• Creditors can choose to reject the proposal. If they do, you may need to offer them additional funds to convince them to proceed.
• You might need to sell some of your assets (such as a vehicle, your home, or investments) or include their value in your proposal (essentially buying them back).
• You may need to file for bankruptcy if you miss more than 2 payments.
• Secured debts cannot be put into a proposal.
• Student loans less than 7 years old can’t be included.
• It can put certain professional licenses at risk, and the permanent record of your insolvency may also affect some future employment opportunities.

nomoredebts.org/debt-help/consumer-proposal/what-is-consumer-proposal-cp

He should have told you about his debt early on in the relationship, not now after you have fallen for him . You seem to have your head screwed on , stick to your guns and don't give him any money and don't move him in until he is debt free or on the way to bring debt free . His actions have to back up his words

He never admitted his problem to anyone, out of shame and out of fear people will look at him differently.

You have to stop blindly parroting everything he tells you. He SAID TO YOU that he never admitted his problem LIED out of shame and fear. You have no way of knowing if that is true or not. You do KNOW that he is a LIAR.

I met and I am close to his entire family

This is particularly heinous. He has sold himself to you as part of a happy, supportive, extended family, when in reality he has been lying to them for a decade or more, overspending and presenting himself as someone he is not.

he never disclosed it to anyone

Do you also see that he is now using you and your child as part of his lie to his family, and to the world? You and your child give him the patina of a successful, responsible, family man. Even though you support yourself, and you and XH support your child, and YOU will likely soon be supporting HIM.