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Original poster

Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

609 replies

LaPL · 21/03/2023 21:38

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 16:40

LaPL · 22/03/2023 14:46

no to all of this. Firstly, I would never offer him to live rent and bill free. If we move in together, his entire income has to go into a checking account I have full access to. The second he doesn't do that, he's out of my life. I would control his finances like crazy. I would just the the one in charge for a while, until the trust is back.

Show quote history

You could do that.
Sign up to be his financial mummy until, YEARS from now, everything (that you know about, at least) is paid off.

You'd then feel relieved, & take your eye off the ball & he'll be back to his old addiction of spending money he doesn't have.

Is that really the life you want - spent in close supervision, hypervigilance & worry?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/03/2023 16:52

WWID?
Get rid of this millstone before he drags you down with him
The amazing partner you thought you had doesn't exist

Pinkbonbon · 22/03/2023 16:52

Behind every man running a con, there'a woman who desperately wants to believe he can change. Who thinks she can 'fix' him.

When infact it's herself that needs the fixing.
Because at some point she forgot that she is supposed to protect herself. Not some guy who has lied to her.

Terzani · 22/03/2023 16:58

The second he doesn't do that, he's out of my life. I would control his finances like crazy. I would just the the one in charge for a while, until the trust is back.

Dream on! He's the only one who will control you and your money, from day 1. OK, maybe from day 2, just to convince you better that he's an honourable man. You'll let him move in with you, because you're such a good Samaritan and hope to help him. And then - guess what, you'll never be able to get rid of him, because he'll constantly threaten suicide or will come up with another tactic to blackmail you. Why risk the life and wellbeing of your child for such a stupid experiment?

Mirabai · 22/03/2023 17:09

IDK how most people could even get the amount of debt your liar has.

Gambling or drugs, quite easily.

Mirabai · 22/03/2023 17:10

Terzani · 22/03/2023 16:58

The second he doesn't do that, he's out of my life. I would control his finances like crazy. I would just the the one in charge for a while, until the trust is back.

Dream on! He's the only one who will control you and your money, from day 1. OK, maybe from day 2, just to convince you better that he's an honourable man. You'll let him move in with you, because you're such a good Samaritan and hope to help him. And then - guess what, you'll never be able to get rid of him, because he'll constantly threaten suicide or will come up with another tactic to blackmail you. Why risk the life and wellbeing of your child for such a stupid experiment?

Good point. He’s already got control of her.

He’s whispered sweet nothings and now she’s prepared to take on all his problems.

KatherineJaneway · 22/03/2023 17:11

Why did you post OP? You've clearly made up your mind.

iamenough2023 · 22/03/2023 17:21

No, that was NOT the right thing to do! Why would you think that? First of all he lied, misrepresented himself to you, gave you a false hope that he is all that, and second of all, he is a danger for your and your child's future. You said it yourself, you were attracted to him because of what you thought he was, and I do not mean rich and all, I mean decent, kind, stable, smart, and now that you know he is not you still think he is worth it. Do not understand where you are coming from OP. Sorry.

AIBUNoNo · 22/03/2023 17:24

KatherineJaneway · 22/03/2023 17:11

Why did you post OP? You've clearly made up your mind.

To be fair, the OP is in Canada ( as she says in her posts) so she may not have posted again owing to the time differences.

Tomkirkman · 22/03/2023 17:27

LaPL · 22/03/2023 14:46

no to all of this. Firstly, I would never offer him to live rent and bill free. If we move in together, his entire income has to go into a checking account I have full access to. The second he doesn't do that, he's out of my life. I would control his finances like crazy. I would just the the one in charge for a while, until the trust is back.

Show quote history

Why would you even want a relationship where you have to control the finances ‘like crazy’?

Original poster
LaPL · 22/03/2023 17:30

iamenough2023 · 22/03/2023 17:21

No, that was NOT the right thing to do! Why would you think that? First of all he lied, misrepresented himself to you, gave you a false hope that he is all that, and second of all, he is a danger for your and your child's future. You said it yourself, you were attracted to him because of what you thought he was, and I do not mean rich and all, I mean decent, kind, stable, smart, and now that you know he is not you still think he is worth it. Do not understand where you are coming from OP. Sorry.

I know you are right. It's just very hard to believe that every moves, every words said, every time he supported me, every wonderful time we spent together, was fake. It's just so very hard to believe that, how can you act fake ALL the time?
He acted well off - he was not
He acted mature and responsible - he was not
He acted stable and smart - he was not
It was "fake until you make it" behaviour and I know that now.

OP posts:
iamenough2023 · 22/03/2023 17:34

LaPL · 22/03/2023 17:30

I know you are right. It's just very hard to believe that every moves, every words said, every time he supported me, every wonderful time we spent together, was fake. It's just so very hard to believe that, how can you act fake ALL the time?
He acted well off - he was not
He acted mature and responsible - he was not
He acted stable and smart - he was not
It was "fake until you make it" behaviour and I know that now.

Show quote history

@LaPL That is what I mean. We are not saying he is a bad guy because he is in debt, it happens to the best of us, but to pretend to be all these things... idk, I would not be able to be with someone like that.

scotscorner · 22/03/2023 17:59

@TheChoiceIsYours when is the correct time in a new relationship to admit to thousands of pounds of debt? Because in my mind, it would be pretty weird to do this on a first date and it only makes sense when you are reasonably hoping the relationship will be serious. Admittedly that is clearly before this point in the relationship, but sounds like he was in denial.

and having some savings whilst being in debt is not so crazy, especially if the debt was taken out when interest rates were very low.

I’m not saying this isn’t a challenging situation, it is; but I’m saying that you can judge someone on their actions and people can change. Especially if they were very young when they racked up the debt.

I agree with other posters saying be cautious and don’t combine finances until it becomes clear that he has changed though!

Tomkirkman · 22/03/2023 18:16

The right time to mention it when you are getting serious. Definitely when you are planning the rest of your life out.

He admitted himself, he knew it was bad enough it might end the relationship. He knew she had a tough time in her marriage. He chose to get close to her and her son, knowing this would impact them and didn’t tell her.

Of course you can judge someone on their actions. He wasn’t young when he decided to still not doing anything, about it while discussing and planning their future.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/03/2023 18:17

Anyone else notice the "almost divorced"

Yep Hmm

It's frequently said that men don't tend to let go completely of one relationship until they believe they've got a better option to move onto, and that could easily be happening here. Doubtless he'll tell some story about how he can't finalise things because his ex would want half his savings, but most of it's been lies so far so what reliance could be put on anything else?

Tomkirkman · 22/03/2023 18:21

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/03/2023 18:17

Anyone else notice the "almost divorced"

Yep Hmm

It's frequently said that men don't tend to let go completely of one relationship until they believe they've got a better option to move onto, and that could easily be happening here. Doubtless he'll tell some story about how he can't finalise things because his ex would want half his savings, but most of it's been lies so far so what reliance could be put on anything else?

No, Op is almost divorced.

Very odd he has told her this now when she is about to finalise a divorce and get a settlement. Or maybe not so odd.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/03/2023 18:25

Ah - my mistake, Tomkirkman

I'd ask for my post to be deleted except that the principle still holds good, as in him clearly expecting to leech off someone else on the basis of a pack of lies

Gablonz · 22/03/2023 18:26

LaPL · 22/03/2023 14:46

no to all of this. Firstly, I would never offer him to live rent and bill free. If we move in together, his entire income has to go into a checking account I have full access to. The second he doesn't do that, he's out of my life. I would control his finances like crazy. I would just the the one in charge for a while, until the trust is back.

Show quote history

You really shouldn't even be thinking about controlling another adult's finances. That is absolutely ridiculous. It's not your place to control his finances "like crazy". You're just trying to justify moving him in when at least 90% of the people on here are saying don't do it.

Tomkirkman · 22/03/2023 18:31

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/03/2023 18:25

Ah - my mistake, Tomkirkman

I'd ask for my post to be deleted except that the principle still holds good, as in him clearly expecting to leech off someone else on the basis of a pack of lies

100% agree

Original poster
LaPL · 22/03/2023 18:35

Tomkirkman · 22/03/2023 18:21

No, Op is almost divorced.

Very odd he has told her this now when she is about to finalise a divorce and get a settlement. Or maybe not so odd.

Show quote history

I got my settlement already. He told me now because I was the one insisting in moving together, I was ready to make that step.
He never insisted in moving in together, actually, the opposite is true. He said he wanted one day, but not now and I couldn't understand why. Now I know why.
He admitted he is living in denial, knowing he was being dishonest, but at the same scared of losing me and the situation got out of control.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaPL · 22/03/2023 18:39

Gablonz · 22/03/2023 18:26

You really shouldn't even be thinking about controlling another adult's finances. That is absolutely ridiculous. It's not your place to control his finances "like crazy". You're just trying to justify moving him in when at least 90% of the people on here are saying don't do it.

Show quote history

I agree with you. I know I am not his mom, but I am his committed girlfriend. I was ready to have a future with him. You are telling me, that when someone you love obviously needs help to save him from himself, I should just shut the door and leave? If you had a major problem in your life (either you cause it to yourself or not), would you expect people who care about you to just leave you? People makes mistakes - horrible ones.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 22/03/2023 18:42

Oh no, why do you still want to be with him? He's lied to you big time, for 18 months. He's knowingly mis-led you, sold you a dream he knew couldn't happen. He's made you think he's someone he isn't.

Why would you want him anywhere near you? Why would you want this manipluative liar anywhere near your child?

All those wonderful hopes and dreams you shared? He was lying all along. You now know that he thinks it's OK to lie to you, over and over and over again for 18 months. Which means you don't know which parts of what he said were true and which parts were false.

At best, he can't manage money, is untrustworthy and unreliable.

At worst, he's a manipluative man who has led you to a place where you're now going to take him in and reduce his bills, and he'll resolve his financial situation at your expense.

I suspect the latter but even if it's the former I wouldn't want him anymore. Moreso for your child. Which of them deserves your care and your resources more?? Your child or the man who's lied to you all the time you've been with him?

KatherineJaneway · 22/03/2023 18:42

AIBUNoNo · 22/03/2023 17:24

To be fair, the OP is in Canada ( as she says in her posts) so she may not have posted again owing to the time differences.

Show quote history

I meant that all OP's posts defend the man as if he has hardly done anything wrong despite the huge amount of lies he has told. I wondered why she posted for opinion when it is clear from her responses that she is staying with him.

theyf · 22/03/2023 18:43

I would be worried about the lying rather than the debt.

Going against the grain here, I wouldn't necessarily say to dump an otherwise wonderful person over this, but would absolutely agree not to move in with him or marry him until he sorts all this out. If marriage and a live in partner is what you want in the immediate future then end it. If you are not so bothered, keep him as a boyfriend, but with hard boundaries until he sorts himself out.

perfectcolourfound · 22/03/2023 18:43

You are missing the point Op.

Yes I help my loved ones when I can. But when it turns out that a bf of 18 months has been lying to me for 18 months - why would you stick around to help him? What respect or truth has he given you in all that time?

Is your child's wellbeing worth gambling on this man?