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Original poster

Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

609 replies

LaPL · 21/03/2023 21:38

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 11:31

AllOfThemWitches · 22/03/2023 11:07

Oh lots of people 'daydream,' less than 2 years is too soon to be thinking about bloody weddings anyway.

Show quote history

Daydreaming is a world away from future faking & love bombing. For 18 months.

Waiting until your wealthy soon-to-be-divorced-with a nice-settlement girlfriend is emotionally dependent on you before coming clean - using that coming clean moment to wang on about how you only racked up $120k in debt because you had an accident which although wasn't your fault you somehow got sued for, so got so depressed you had to spend a fortune you didn't have on luxury holidays isn't daydreaming.

Neither is the recovery plan he's selling her.
He's making out he will qualify for this "80% write off" scheme when it's highly unlikely & far more complex that OP appears to perceive.
So he is STILL LYING TO HER.

Mirabai · 22/03/2023 11:32

Ok well you’ve jumped to one form of abuse to another. He’s been future faking to lure you in. Mental health issues, compulsive spending with large debt, and compulsive lying are big red waving flags. If you don’t see them as such, no-one here can help you.

I also think by telling you this now and saying he wants a room-mate to help pay his debts may be his way of ending the relationship.

TheChoiceIsYours · 22/03/2023 11:34

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 10:57

I missed that it was for tax, but that does not negate the fact that he has $20k cash sitting in a safe, & has not paid a cent back of his stupendous debt.

And I'm not sure how you typed "fundamentals of good money management" in a post about this man with a straight face!

Show quote history

Maybe because I was talking about every specific actions in principle and not about him
as a person…? What a strange comment.

TheChoiceIsYours · 22/03/2023 11:36

Whitney88 · 22/03/2023 11:03

STAY WITH HIM

came by this bY total mistake AND FELT SO COMPELLED TO REPLY TO THIS POST OF YOURS THAT I CREATED ACCOUNT but I'm begging you to stick with your guns when you said you know you did the right thing!
I've come to learn there are so many rotten people in this world and unfortunately the ones that are the really rottenest can be some of the most trustworthy"seeming" people. It's truly heartbreaking. however when you get to know somebody for the year and a half you've been with him, someone like a significant other, or even a best friend maybe roommate, you also get an instinctual feeling that you should trust in most cases. I think that you should focus on communication above all at this phase of your relationship with him now in addition to helping because after a marriage of verbal and physical abuse it can really let you shut yourself down or it could be the complete opposite and make you extremely vulnerable to anyone who wants to give you the attention you deserve and so to at least be aware of that and always get advice like you are now. just don't let it completely sway your decision.
I think most importantly though is that out of all those rotten people in the world, there are so many wonderful ones too but not a single one of either- is flawless. Depending where a person is in their life, they are going to have flaws. Period. and personally I would much rather even a very large flaw be something that could have very well helped shape them into why they are the heart of Gold they are now! I'd much rather that than someone who doesn't think they have any or someone else that has no desire to work on any of them set in their ways and not evolving in life. Flaws could even be changing through the years when it's in regards to something that's hard to balance, because you try to fix one thing and go to the extreme in another direction sometimes.
Not only that though. When his excuses being in denial himself maybe he's really not lying to you. Having to face something that you don't want to face it's hard enough, but to admit it to another human being... I think that showing that kind of humility could maybe be a sign of growth.....Especially for a man! (Haha that was just a joke btw. Everyone's equal now right?) Being with him for a year and a half is definitely a long time however it's not completely crazy long, in fact it's about the perfect Realistic time in a perfect world I guess, to want to maybe move in with somebody and stop the dreaming and take real action towards the future with someone. So maybe he had to face this on his own to himself knowing that he wants to make positive changes emotionally and financially towards a great future.
I guess lots of this depends on why and when and in how long of a period of time this kind of debt took to acquire. A huge shopping binge for a year or two? His whole life up to two years ago? (which was all before you even started to date him anyways) but quite honestly if it were a worst case scenario even, something like that he was addicted to some severe drugs for years and maybe got some charges learning a lesson and has now resolved the issues he HAD so that he's not creating debt anymore or at least trying as hard as he can to make good decisions now in his life... Honey if it were something like a story like that? you had better believe that (if he truly has worked on himself and isn't lying about that or the person he is right now) then that is the whole reason you probably fell for him and feel the way you do so strongly. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and about a billion other songs and movies have been written about it. And they're way more interesting too compared to, usually what becomes the cheating villain by the end, the pompous jerk raised with all the money in the world, perfect life, perfect family in public, ivy league, blah blah blah, It makes me sick to my stomachs thinking of that brand of boys. A lot of times those are the ones that don't get the chance to be put in a situation to learn anything or grow to become the man of your dreams
Good luck I really hope that whatever you choose it's the right decision and you have no regrets

U ok hun?

AllOfThemWitches · 22/03/2023 11:39

OP would be a fool to move in and marry the guy at this point but the fact is, they've been together less than 2 years, she's not even divorced yet and considering they do not currently share finances, she now knows about his. I'm surprised people are banging on as though he is the devil incarnate when this place is full of shit like 'I snooped on my husband's phone btw he's cheated on me every year since we got together.'

TheChoiceIsYours · 22/03/2023 11:41

Not in defence of this bloke AT ALL but as an aside, to people who are convinced that debt of this level means a massive gambling problem etc - it may well do, but it’s scary how much habitual overspending and living beyond your means adds up over time. If someone overspent by $1000 a month for ten years that would amount to $120,000 even with no interest added. Taking account of the huge amounts of credit card interest, the overspending may have been much less than that. In the same way that drip feeding savings pays off big time over a long enough period of time, even relatively modest overspending for a prolonged period of time is catastrophic in the end.

So while he’s clearly been an impulsive overspender, I don’t think it’s necessarily the case that there’s a horrific and dramatic reason behind it. But given his history of lying I wouldn’t believe anything without seeing bank statements and paperwork to back it up.

MelsMoneyTree · 22/03/2023 11:43

I don't think 'amazing' and 'loving' belong beside 'lied big time'.
He will absolutely drag you down. Plus I would wonder if this bombshell was designed to end the relationship anyway.
He's a future faker, a liar and irresponsible with money. You're planning to tie yourself to 'rescuing' someone when you have just managed to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship. You need to dump him. Then get a counsellor and work on your boundaries. Your ex has completely eroded your sense of worth and your ability to determine what a healthy relationship is like (clue - it doesn't involve months of lying or needing to rescue your partner).

Frankola · 22/03/2023 11:43

He's completely unreliable with money OP. Getting yourself into 6 figure debts doesn't happen overnight.

In the past I had a partner who took out a number of payday loans and credit cards etc. Then missed payments repeatedly as he had gotten himself in a spiral of debt. His credit score was ruined and as a result of all of this he took out a loan in my name to pay things off. I knew nothing about any of it and I caught him through a letter I received.

I ended the relationship. Not because of the debt per say but because he had lied and lied to me. Not to mention, committed a crime by taking a loan out in my name. I was sickened that he could have gotten me into a financial mess and I wouldn't have known.

From my experience, once someone is bad with money, it takes an awful lot for them to change. Infant most of them don't.

Then you have all the lies and false promises he's made you. He's allowed you to create and plan a future that cannot exist. That is incredibly cruel.

He's spun you a tale and if I were you I wouldn't stick around

7eleven · 22/03/2023 11:46

My penny’s worth is that good people make bad choices. It doesn’t have to be marry/move in or ditch him. There’s a middle ground. You could stay as you are and see how committed he is to sorting things out over the coming months.

Stravaig · 22/03/2023 11:47

Maybe, and I know this is harsh, you're a perfect match.

I think that there's truth in this, that a part of them matches. It sounds like OP's XH provided a financially high standard of living. So in that respect both OP and new man want and enjoy what they don't actually earn themselves. The tragedy is that OP will end up handing over what should be a secure settlement after her abusive marriage straight to her abusive boyfriend.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 11:48

7eleven · 22/03/2023 11:46

My penny’s worth is that good people make bad choices. It doesn’t have to be marry/move in or ditch him. There’s a middle ground. You could stay as you are and see how committed he is to sorting things out over the coming months.

Good people don't spin a giant web of deliberate, cynical lies for 18 months.

Women don't need to align themselves with liars, or hold on to them just for the sake of having a man in tow.

Mirabai · 22/03/2023 11:50

@MelsMoneyTree Plus I would wonder if this bombshell was designed to end the relationship anyway.

Agreed, I said the same.

Essentially OP has been in a fake relationship.

Mirabai · 22/03/2023 11:52

7eleven · 22/03/2023 11:46

My penny’s worth is that good people make bad choices. It doesn’t have to be marry/move in or ditch him. There’s a middle ground. You could stay as you are and see how committed he is to sorting things out over the coming months.

These bad choices are not in the last. They are continuing in the form of compulsive lying to his partner.

Elliania · 22/03/2023 11:52

So you're going to let him move in with you so he can save money. And are you going to be the money police, checking how much he's saved, what he's spending his money on, how much debt he's paying off? Because that's the only way you'll know for sure that he's actually doing what he needs to do; he's been lying to you for ages, what's the guarantee he'll start telling the truth going forward?
He's goo to you and your son but doesn't see you as important enough to make changes before this so you can have the future he tells you he wants. He needs to be accountable and he needs to do the work himself, not have you looking over his shoulder to check up on him.

sonsmum · 22/03/2023 11:55

What you do depends on how much you value trust in a relationship.

7eleven · 22/03/2023 11:57

Mirabai · 22/03/2023 11:52

These bad choices are not in the last. They are continuing in the form of compulsive lying to his partner.

Show quote history

Maybe. Things aren’t always so cut and dry though are they. If he’s in the habit of spending out of his means, maybe planning holidays etc isn’t a lie in the way it might be for you and I. Not saying it’s right.

cormorant5 · 22/03/2023 11:58

After thinking more about this situation, is it an exaggeration to suggest "Rape by fraud"?

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2023 11:59

Op

if it is true and for the past two years he has been sensible why did he not set up one of those arrangements you have mentioned

Also it’s roughly 70 grand in pounds Stirling that he owes

i don’t understand why his credit record is shot if he has been paying his debts?

but also why is he keeping money back - is he responsible for paying his own tax rather than through his employer?

MelsMoneyTree · 22/03/2023 12:00

I think OP is undervaluing financial stability because she's always had it. The debts are numbers on a bit of paper. It's all theoretical. She doesn't realise the daily grind of living with someone you can't trust; worrying about whether the mail includes final demands or new credit cards; wondering if items will be sold to cover debts, etc. There also seems to be a lack of clarify over how the debts built up. So there's the added pressure of watching for those 'overspending' habits.
I'd never choose to put myself and my DC through that.

ALLIS0N · 22/03/2023 12:01

You are crazy to be even thinking of continuing a relationship with a man who has systematically lied to you for the whole of the time you have known him.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 12:01

7eleven · 22/03/2023 11:57

Maybe. Things aren’t always so cut and dry though are they. If he’s in the habit of spending out of his means, maybe planning holidays etc isn’t a lie in the way it might be for you and I. Not saying it’s right.

Show quote history

That's quite the contortion.

Are you seriously trying to make OP believe it's ok for him to lie about their wedding venue, the houses they looked at, the lifestyle they would create together because he's in the habit of lying?

Mirabai · 22/03/2023 12:01

7eleven · 22/03/2023 11:57

Maybe. Things aren’t always so cut and dry though are they. If he’s in the habit of spending out of his means, maybe planning holidays etc isn’t a lie in the way it might be for you and I. Not saying it’s right.

Show quote history

It’s not just planning holidays though is it - it’s planning to buy a house, planning to get married.

Original poster
LaPL · 22/03/2023 12:01

Foreverhope1 · 22/03/2023 08:53

Finally someone else who picked up on the gold digger element..... she doesn't want to actually work for their lifestyle, her past was handsomely paid for, the tears and drama regarding the future stem from having to downsize on her dreams based on the new BF's affordability...

He's not perfect, neither is she...

Show quote history

Uhm, no and no.
i was an homeowner, I’ve now been renting for the past 3 years and so is my ex husband.
I live in a city where you absolutely need a 2 incomes family to afford to buy a house. Everyone knows that.
what’s wrong in having a dream of owing my own house with my family some day? Does that makes me a gold digger?
you guys here are all owing your own house with one income? Congrats, not possible where I live.

OP posts:
7eleven · 22/03/2023 12:02

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 11:48

Good people don't spin a giant web of deliberate, cynical lies for 18 months.

Women don't need to align themselves with liars, or hold on to them just for the sake of having a man in tow.

Show quote history

None of us have any way of knowing for certain that this person has malicious intent, though do we. Maybe he does, maybe his life’s a mess.

None of know him, so none of us can talk with complete certainty.

I would definitely urge the OP to protect her money, whatever his intent.

Chias · 22/03/2023 12:03

You are in the first flush of love at the moment but when that passes, you will just be stuck with a debt riddled liar. Why would you want to settle down with him and take on all his problems?

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