Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

Give him 12 months with your plan and see how he is managing the debt and paying it off. If he's doing adult, keep him, if its no better ditch.

never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. ....trustworthy,

"no big responsibilities and trust worthy" are LIES

" I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad

He's lied to you about everything; and no doubt that includes "never been married, no kids, his good education, his decent job and income. None of it is true. It's an elaborate fantasy in a stage set, scripted by him, to take you for a sucker. Don't believe his lies about his dept repayment plan; it's just more cod.
YOU are his debt repayment plan.He's going to suck your finances dry.

You have been groomed and fooled by a conman. He's only after what he can get out of you; a free home, housekeeping, sex, your money to pay his debts. He wants to be your cocklodger.

YET AGAIN, you've been targeted and hooked by an abusive man.

Here's the biggest concern. You have a 6 yr old daughter he is "loving towards"; in other words he has groomed you ( and her) to trust him and accept his "affection"; now he wants to move in with your child, have access to her when you're not around.

Paedophiles are also sophisticated conmen who also target and groom mothers to get to the real sexual target; her children.

You know he's a skilled conman and cheat; a penniless lying heartless faker who will do ANYTHING to get what he wants. Including playing on your maternal instinct to savehi, poor little boy lost.

Wake up. You cannot afford to take the tiniest risk that his ultimate target is your daughter

I think this is the most sensible advice. Don’t move in with him or give him any money. Watch and see him put into action what he’s promising. If he doesn’t, leg it. And perhaps slowly put some distance in between him and your child in the meantime because you don’t want your son ‘very attached’ to someone who may be gone this time next year.

I think it's credit card debt not creditors per se.

Even so though, having reread the first OP it all sounds so dodgy.

OP I would seek legal advice before you agree to anything with him. You don't have to tell him.

OK ancientgran.

But he also has $20k cash sitting in a safe.

They've been together less than 2 years, OP didn't have a right to know his full financial history really. It's not as though they've actually moved in or had kids together.

How will you feel when you can’t give your child what they need because of his debt and the fact that you’re helping to carry him financially? It isn’t a possibility but a certainty that sooner or later this will happen if you move in with him.

You will have to choose between something you want to spend on for your child and something he needs to continue to manage this debt.

How would you feel if you married him and something happened to you? Would you trust him to make sure your child was financially secure?

Agree with PP that how he managed to run up that much unsecured debt is a red flag in itself and should have been a major part of his confession.

Continue seeing him if you must, but keep yourself entirely separate financially - don’t move in and don’t marry him. Make sure you and your child have a strong relationship and that he is an “add on” and not a main attraction for them.

I missed that it was for tax, but that does not negate the fact that he has $20k cash sitting in a safe, & has not paid a cent back of his stupendous debt.

And I'm not sure how you typed "fundamentals of good money management" in a post about this man with a straight face!

hmmm. This is so tricky. And this is what I got from your post...

A man who is struggling with mental health and money problems has been actively lying to you for 18 months.

Can you see the 3 red flags?

I still am completely perplexed by £120,000 in debt with absolutely nothing to show for it which still tells me there is something worse under the debt:

escorts
drugs
gambling
etc

She had a right not to be lied to.

Not to be sold the notion of the wedding venue they chose together & daydreamed about the houses they'd like to buy, the holidays they'd take & love wonderful life they could afford together.

Its really sad that you seem to be convinced no one could possibly lie to you for 18 months when you have an ex you describe like this:

My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell.

Did you marry and have a child with your ex before the 18 month mark in your relationship? Because otherwise you also once believed the man you loved was a goodun - before he wasn’t.

Presumably, your new fella with the ‘heart of gold’ is aware of your abusive ex and the hell you went through with your mental health. Yet still chose to lie to you and fake his reality. Selling you a dream.

Wake up. This guy saw you coming a mile away.

Do not move him in - in fact you should insist he takes formal steps to sort his debt out while not living with you and that any notion of him doing that is off the table. And see what he does. Not what he says, what he does, over a sustained period of months.

Frankly if he was truly sorry he wouldn’t even have the conversation about moving in with you at all. He’s tricking you with this oh no im so terrible I couldn’t possibly bullshit - but he’s letting you convince him isn’t he?

Say no, mean it and stick to it and see what happens. You don’t sound like you’re short for cash so not like you need him to pay your bills. You should seriously consider WHY your first reaction was to rush in to try and help him and remains your desire despite you apparently knowing what a betrayal he committed. For your child if not for yourself.

STAY WITH HIM

came by this bY total mistake AND FELT SO COMPELLED TO REPLY TO THIS POST OF YOURS THAT I CREATED ACCOUNT but I'm begging you to stick with your guns when you said you know you did the right thing!
I've come to learn there are so many rotten people in this world and unfortunately the ones that are the really rottenest can be some of the most trustworthy"seeming" people. It's truly heartbreaking. however when you get to know somebody for the year and a half you've been with him, someone like a significant other, or even a best friend maybe roommate, you also get an instinctual feeling that you should trust in most cases. I think that you should focus on communication above all at this phase of your relationship with him now in addition to helping because after a marriage of verbal and physical abuse it can really let you shut yourself down or it could be the complete opposite and make you extremely vulnerable to anyone who wants to give you the attention you deserve and so to at least be aware of that and always get advice like you are now. just don't let it completely sway your decision.
I think most importantly though is that out of all those rotten people in the world, there are so many wonderful ones too but not a single one of either- is flawless. Depending where a person is in their life, they are going to have flaws. Period. and personally I would much rather even a very large flaw be something that could have very well helped shape them into why they are the heart of Gold they are now! I'd much rather that than someone who doesn't think they have any or someone else that has no desire to work on any of them set in their ways and not evolving in life. Flaws could even be changing through the years when it's in regards to something that's hard to balance, because you try to fix one thing and go to the extreme in another direction sometimes.
Not only that though. When his excuses being in denial himself maybe he's really not lying to you. Having to face something that you don't want to face it's hard enough, but to admit it to another human being... I think that showing that kind of humility could maybe be a sign of growth.....Especially for a man! (Haha that was just a joke btw. Everyone's equal now right?) Being with him for a year and a half is definitely a long time however it's not completely crazy long, in fact it's about the perfect Realistic time in a perfect world I guess, to want to maybe move in with somebody and stop the dreaming and take real action towards the future with someone. So maybe he had to face this on his own to himself knowing that he wants to make positive changes emotionally and financially towards a great future.
I guess lots of this depends on why and when and in how long of a period of time this kind of debt took to acquire. A huge shopping binge for a year or two? His whole life up to two years ago? (which was all before you even started to date him anyways) but quite honestly if it were a worst case scenario even, something like that he was addicted to some severe drugs for years and maybe got some charges learning a lesson and has now resolved the issues he HAD so that he's not creating debt anymore or at least trying as hard as he can to make good decisions now in his life... Honey if it were something like a story like that? you had better believe that (if he truly has worked on himself and isn't lying about that or the person he is right now) then that is the whole reason you probably fell for him and feel the way you do so strongly. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and about a billion other songs and movies have been written about it. And they're way more interesting too compared to, usually what becomes the cheating villain by the end, the pompous jerk raised with all the money in the world, perfect life, perfect family in public, ivy league, blah blah blah, It makes me sick to my stomachs thinking of that brand of boys. A lot of times those are the ones that don't get the chance to be put in a situation to learn anything or grow to become the man of your dreams
Good luck I really hope that whatever you choose it's the right decision and you have no regrets

Oh lots of people 'daydream,' less than 2 years is too soon to be thinking about bloody weddings anyway.

It isn’t the debts it’s the lies.

For 18 months you have been looking at houses, wedding venues, planning a life and all this time he has known it isn’t going to happen.

That type of behaviour is abhorrent.

If he had said something initially you could have left or adjusted your expectations But feeding you lies so you can live in a fantasy is nasty

He’s living within his means for the past 2 years.
No, he hasn't he's been spending money he hasn't got, holidaying having a good time and dining out with you.

But the debts are still unresolved

His CREDITORS are still waiting to be paid for the goods and services he took from them ; please don't delude yourself this is some victimless crime. He still puts gratifying his own selfish frivolous needs ahead of his responsibility to HIS CREDITORS.

  If he's such a great family man , how come he's hidden all this from his parents? 

   Or, is "Mum and Dad know nothing" another of his lies,  the excuse for why you've never met them;  because you'd give his game away. Still living a carefree extravagant life at his creditors expense.

His CREDITORS are still waiting to be paid for the goods and services he took from them ; please don't delude yourself this is some victimless crime. He still puts gratifying his own selfish frivolous needs ahead of his responsibility to HIS CREDITORS.

Wait, are the creditors the 'victims?'

Honestly, it seems like you've already made your mind up about trying to "save" this man. Nothing anyone on Mumsnet says is going to change your mind even though it could be said that this man has manipulated you into a situation where you can't see a life without him despite his horrific financial situation. If he's lied to you about this, imagine what else he could easily be lying about!

It would appear no matter what advice op is given on here, she has made her mind up to stay put and that's her choice.
All the lying would have had me running for the hills, especially with a child.

In the past 1.5 years, I saw him with me, with his family, his friends, I saw the way he acts, the way he thinks, etc. you can’t fake your entire personality like that

But he did. As you now know he WAS faking it with his parents and family, who know nothing of his huge debts, near bankruptcy. He still hasn't told them. Ask your self why he hasn't asked them for a [place to stay, financial help.

The way you saw him act and think was all deception to hide the reality, that he's an irresponsible heartless conman who lies to you, his friends and family.

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been betrayed on this way. I’d end the relationship too. You have left one draining, abusive relationship. This one will also bleed you dry, financially and emotionally. There are lots of nice guys like this out there who don’t lie. And even if it takes you a little time to find one, I’d rather just be independent with my child.

I also think the initial and sustained charm offensive was simply to forge an impression of your commitment to one another (for you to bail him out), building up to this revelation and an attempt to soften the blow when you did find out. It has worked somewhat as you’re here telling us how wonderful he otherwise is. But your reaction is understandable.

If you feel guilty or like you’re abandoning him, remember the deception and how he strung you along with a dream like you were a pair of teenagers. A life with him would always involve the worry that he’s getting the both of you into financial ruin, or doing something else deceptive.

Not a single one of his problems are your problems. If you have a child you should not be getting embroiled with this man and his problems.
I have complex PTSD and I have never been in debt or jobless. These are all excuses.
I was married to a man like this for 20 years. It near destroyed me. It ws such a relief when he finally left. Yes he love bombed me and it wS a constant struggle to stop his reckless behaviour.
Have a bit more self respect and think about your child. This relationship will not end well.

Oh sorry, you just wanted us to agree with you and will continue sharing info until we do??

No, I would not bring bad debts to the address where my child lives. Bailiffs turning up getting you to prove which assets you have paid for (receipts needed!) or your child's Xbox will be taken??
How traumatic would that be.

Every time he spends his money on something stupid, you'll be judging.

Every time he puts his phone down quickly, you'll be wondering.

Keep him as a boyfriend

It's blatantly obvious that you've been groomed Dear. If you've got any sense you'd run a mile

I feel for you OP but I despair. Are you so desperate for the 'happily ever after" that you'll risk yours and your child's emotional
And financial security for this liar?

He lied to the world for years with his overspending, lying by living a life that he couldn't possibly pay for. Then lied to you by making so many promises to you about your imaginary future together.

He lives in a fantasy world
And it looks like you do too. Maybe, and I know this is harsh, you're a perfect match.